humor from george relles

[Guest guest]

I think we could all do with a bit more humor. Hope you

enjoy these:

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A patient tells his psychiatrist, “Doctor, I feel like a pair of

curtains.”

The doctor replies, “Come now, pull yourself

together.”

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" Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn't

know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: " That happens in most countries, son. "

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At the head table in a Catholic school cafeteria sat a big bowl of fresh,

juicy apples. Beside the bowl, a nun had placed a note that read,

" Take only one. Remember, God is watching. "

At the other end of the table was a plate of freshly baked cookies, still

warm from the oven. Beside the plate, a little note scrawled in a child's

handwriting read: " Take all you want. God's watching the

apples. "

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A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, " Mom,

guess what? We learned how to make babies today. "

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

" That's interesting, " she said, " How do you make

babies? "

" It's simple, " replied the girl. " You just change 'y' to

'i' and add 'es'. "

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine

when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the roadside.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked,

" Why are you eating grass? "

" We don't have no money for food, " the first man replied.

" Oh, well, you can come with me to my house, " insisted the

lawyer.

" But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here. "

" Bring them along! " replied the lawyer.

" But how 'bout my friend? "

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, " You come with us,

too. "

" But, sir, " said the friend, " I got a wife and six

kids! "

" Bring them as well! " answered the lawyer as he headed for his

limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor fellows

says: " Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with

you. "

The lawyer replied, " Glad to do it.

You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall. "

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[more wonderfully wacky similes]

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg

behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of

his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a

formerly surcharge-free ATM. J. Kocak, Syracuse

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric

fan set on medium. Unknown

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power

tools. Broadus, Charlottesville

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if

she were a garbage truck backing up. Reese, Arlington

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Why English Is So Difficult!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox

became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of

house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot,

would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are

teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural

would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother,

we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was

time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass

drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example... If you have a

rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a

tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine

in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries

in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,

are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find

that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig

is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write

but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you

have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do

you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats

vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be

committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do

people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send

cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim

chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are

opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house

can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it

out and in which

an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, across the ages, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the

lights are out, they are invisible.

That's about enough of this stuff.

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The following list of rules applies to each person entering Texas:

1.. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an

idiot. Let’s get this straight.

2.. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when

it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

3.. It’s called a ‘gravel road’. I drive a

pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re

going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4.. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That’s

what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.

Don’t like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.

Pick one.

5.. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car.

We’re real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers

that we drive three weeks a year.

6.. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s

called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7.. Trucks are made to get dirty. Don’t bring

you Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin’ camp and expect to

leave clean on Sunday. It won’t happen.

8. We all started hunting and fishing when we

were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.

9.. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of

doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope

you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

10.. Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod.

Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name

for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.

11.. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawfish.

You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait

shop.

12.. The “Opener” refers to the first day of

deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the

first of November.

13.. Any references to “corn fed” when talking

about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

14.. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -

because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the

country.

15.. We open doors for women. That applies to

everyone regardless of age!

16.. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the

menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and

pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

17.. When we fill out a table there are three

main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices- salt,

pepper, and Tabasco sauce!

8.. You bring “Coke” into my house it better be

brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it!

19.. You bring “Hooch” into my house it better

have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or

pheasant.

20.. You bring “ Jane” to my house she

better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long

hair.

21.. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a

glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

22.. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We

can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New

York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.

23.. High School Football is as important here

as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

24.. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in

the water hazards- it spooks the fish.

25.. Colleges? Try Texas A & M. They come outa

there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still

wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

26.. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air

Force than any other state, so, “Don’t Mess With Texas”. If you do it

will get your butt kicked by the best!

27.. Our Military is only used as a back up. Per

capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has

taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

28.. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston

once said, “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United

States can’t make it without

Texas.”