Guest guest Posted October 4, 2002 Report Share Posted October 4, 2002 Some Friday humor for you. " A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. " -Emo Philips ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast. - Katz ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, " Where do you want to go? " " Heaven! " they all piped up. " And what do you have to do to get there? " " Die! " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [a classic] A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, " I'm drawing God. " The teacher paused and said, " But no one knows what God looks like. " Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, " They will in a minute. " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, " Oh, my God! Help me! " At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, " I thought you didn't believe in Me! " " Come on God, give me a break!, " the man pleaded. " Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either. " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said " I am a Father " . The little boy replied, " My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that " . The priest looked up from his book and answered, " I am the Father of many. " The boy said, " My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. " The priest getting impatient said, " I am the Father of hundreds, " and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said: " Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar " . ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a.. " Indubitably " b.. " Innovative " c.. " Preliminary " d.. " Proliferation " e.. " Cinnamon " Things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk... a.. " Specificity " b.. " Cogito ergo sum " c.. " British Constitution " d.. " Passive-Aggressive Disorder " e.. " Loquacious " f.. " Transubstantiate " Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a.. " Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. " b.. " Nope, no more booze for me! " c.. " Sorry, but you're really not my type. " d.. " Good Evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? " e.. " Oh, I just couldn't... No one wants to hear me sing! " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [the ifinal installment of hysterical similes] She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. -Tom Witte, Gaithersburg Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. - Chuck , Woodbridge She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. - Broadus, Charlottesville She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. - , Garrett Park Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. - Sue Lin Chong, Washington It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. - Broadus, Charlottesville Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 4, 2002 Report Share Posted October 4, 2002 , Thanks for the Humor, it was great. please dont be shy, you have my e-mail address, send more. lol' " tenacity's man " > >Reply-To: shydrager >To: (Recipient list suppressed) >Subject: humor from george relles >Date: Fri, 04 Oct 2002 09:05:47 -0700 > >Some Friday humor for you. > > > > " A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me >at kick boxing. " -Emo Philips > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > >I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can >get the same effect just by standing up real fast. >- Katz > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > >The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and >going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, " Where do you want to >go? " > > " Heaven! " they all piped up. > > " And what do you have to do to get there? " > > " Die! " > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ >[a classic] > >A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they >drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she >got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the >drawing was? > >The girl replied, " I'm drawing God. " > >The teacher paused and said, " But no one knows what God looks like. " > >Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, > " They will in a minute. " > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > >An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was >attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him >and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. >As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, " Oh, my God! Help me! " > >At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung >in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, " I thought you >didn't believe in Me! " > > " Come on God, give me a break!, " the man pleaded. " Two minutes ago I didn't >believe in the Loch Ness monster either. " > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > >A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed >he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar >that way. > >The man, who was a priest, said " I am a Father " . > >The little boy replied, " My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that " . > >The priest looked up from his book and answered, " I am the Father of many. " > >The boy said, " My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he >doesn't wear his collar that way. " > >The priest getting impatient said, " I am the Father of hundreds, " and went >back to reading his book. > >The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and >said: " Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your >collar " . > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > >Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... > a.. " Indubitably " > b.. " Innovative " > c.. " Preliminary " > d.. " Proliferation " > e.. " Cinnamon " > >Things that are very difficult to say when you're drunk... > a.. " Specificity " > b.. " Cogito ergo sum " > c.. " British Constitution " > d.. " Passive-Aggressive Disorder " > e.. " Loquacious " > f.. " Transubstantiate " > >Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... > > a.. " Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. " > b.. " Nope, no more booze for me! " > c.. " Sorry, but you're really not my type. " > d.. " Good Evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? " > e.. " Oh, I just couldn't... No one wants to hear me sing! " > >^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ >[the ifinal installment of hysterical similes] > >She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. -Tom Witte, Gaithersburg > >Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH >cleanser. - Chuck , Woodbridge > >She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was >room-temperature Canadian beef. - Broadus, Charlottesville > >She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. - > , Garrett Park > >Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal >paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. - Sue Lin Chong, >Washington > >It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the >wall. - Broadus, Charlottesville > > >If you do not wish to belong to shydrager, you may >unsubscribe by sending a blank email to > >shydrager-unsubscribe > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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