Why we overeat: Reason #48

[Guest guest]

Oh dear, I've been thinking again....What makes us eat? Sometimes we're covering up our reaction to someone else. We spend a lot of time avoiding conflict by pretending everything's okay. For example: Let's talk about apologies.Lots of apologies aren't really apologies. Some are paired with a denial; e.g., " I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I didn't do that " . Some are used to change the focus onto someone else ( " I'm sorry, but you know, when you said what you said, it made me angry " , and my favorite: " I'm sorry, but you know, you really hurt my feelings and said bad things about me " ). There are lots of ways to Not-apologize. In each case, the person apologizing doesn't want to acknowledge their part. They want to wiggle out of responsibility. It's like they've given you a nice cup of coffee, then taken it back after one sip, or spit in it. Your initial emotional reaction to that mixed message points to the truth: A sense of guilt (you've been manipulated into feeling bad for showing that you're hurt and " making " the person apologize), a sense of disappointment (the apology doesn't feel heart-felt), defensiveness (the apology has turned into a subtle attack on you), etc. Some of us with religious training were told we must forgive others no matter what they do. (This is a great way to avoid conflict while looking like a wonderful person.) But the nuns I had taught me that forgiveness has to do with letting go of our own hurt; it doesn't mean being a martyr or enabling another person's destructive behavior. (For a good definition of forgiveness, go to the end of this post.)A real apology clears the air and feels like a relief. A false apology elicits negative feelings. If we don't want to face the fact that the person isn't really sorry for what they did or said, we're likely to cover our negative reaction by eating.Try paying attention to

your reactions to people. How does the person make you feel? When he or she says something, what's your reaction? If you feel like eating, something's going on.MarthaForegiveness: " To enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, all that's really required is that we make the decision to move

forward, to let go of the old hurts. We don't have to condone what's

been done. What's wrong is still wrong. We don't have to invite the

person back into our lives or even be friendly with them. What we do

have to do is allow ourselves to release all the negative emotions

associated with that person. As long as we hold onto the pain, we are

choosing to allow that person's past actions to continue to hurt us. We

can also choose to stop letting them hurt us. That's a definition of

forgiveness that's more doable for those of us who are less than

saintly. " from:http://depression.about.com/od/copingskills/a/forgiveness.htm

[Guest guest]

WOW this is awesome Martha!!!

Huggles

>

> Oh dear, I've been thinking again....

> What makes us eat? Sometimes we're covering up our reaction to

> someone else. We spend a lot of time avoiding conflict by

> pretending everything's okay. For example: Let's talk about

> apologies.

> Lots of apologies aren't really apologies. Some are paired with

> a denial; e.g., " I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I didn't do that " .

> Some are used to change the focus onto someone else ( " I'm sorry,

> but you know, when you said what you said, it made me angry " ,

> and my favorite: " I'm sorry, but you know, you really hurt my

> feelings and said bad things about me " ). There are lots of ways

> to Not-apologize.

> In each case, the person apologizing doesn't want to acknowledge

> their part. They want to wiggle out of responsibility. It's like

> they've given you a nice cup of coffee, then taken it back after

> one sip, or spit in it.

> Your initial emotional reaction to that mixed message points to

> the truth: A sense of guilt (you've been manipulated into

> feeling bad for showing that you're hurt and " making " the person

> apologize), a sense of disappointment (the apology doesn't feel

> heart-felt), defensiveness (the apology has turned into a subtle

> attack on you), etc. Some of us with religious training were

> told we must forgive others no matter what they do. (This is a

> great way to avoid conflict while looking like a wonderful

> person.) But the nuns I had taught me that forgiveness has to do

> with letting go of our own hurt; it doesn't mean being a martyr

> or enabling another person's destructive behavior. (For a good

> definition of forgiveness, go to the end of this post.)

> A real apology clears the air and feels like a relief. A false

> apology elicits negative feelings. If we don't want to face the

> fact that the person isn't really sorry for what they did or

> said, we're likely to cover our negative reaction by eating.

> Try paying attention to your reactions to people. How does the

> person make you feel? When he or she says something, what's your

> reaction? If you feel like eating, something's going on.

> Martha

> Foregiveness:

> " To enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, all that's really

> required is that we make the decision to move forward, to let go

> of the old hurts. We don't have to condone what's been done.

> What's wrong is still wrong. We don't have to invite the person

> back into our lives or even be friendly with them. What we do

> have to do is allow ourselves to release all the negative

> emotions associated with that person. As long as we hold onto

> the pain, we are choosing to allow that person's past actions to

> continue to hurt us. We can also choose to stop letting them

> hurt us. That's a definition of forgiveness that's more doable

> for those of us who are less than saintly. "

> from:

> http://depression.about.com/od/copingskills/a/forgiveness.htm