Dealing with Family and Friends

[Guest guest]

I know this topic has been discussed ad nauseum...

I recently told a few people what I have been doing- trying to get

approved for the ds. I told my mom, a couple of friends. One friend

has been really supportive as she had another friend go through

this. My mom has been almost TOO supportive. Its almost like she

wants it for me more than I do. When I was waiting for Rabkin's

office to send out the LOMN, she would call a couple times a week

just to see if I had heard anything yet. Maybe its just my own

insecurities. Anyhow, I wish I was hearing more of the 'I hope

you'll be okay after surgery' than the 'I can't wait until your no

longer a fat slob' in what she says to me regarding this whole thing.

Then, of course, I have another friend who is slightly overweight

herself and somewhat insecure about it. I don't even know why I told

her. I guess because I spend alot of time with her. Anyhow, she is

sort of transparently supportive.

And then I have another friend who has been really, truly supportive

but I really worry about her. She is also MO. I wish I could

convince her to have the surgery, too, but I figure I should get

through mine first before pushing it on someone else. Anyhow, I am

worried about how our friendship will change because she is truly my

best friend and I would just not be able to get by without her

friendship.

Okay, well thats all. Just thought I'd see if people have any advice.

Amy

Fremont, CA

Pre-Op Rabkin/Jossart

BMI 44

[Guest guest]

Amy,

I haven't told my Mom (or my Dad) yet, but I have told both my

brothers and they've been remarkably enlightened! As for my Mom, I've

hinted to her, but she'd rather have me try the next miracle drug

than a surgical procedure. I know she is embarassed by my size and

worried about my health, but then again, so am I and I know she loves

me regardless. It's also an issue where I think parents feel

helpless, because it's not something they can 'fix' like they fixed a

lot of other problems. I'm sure you're Mom is concerned about the

surgery itself, but I'm also sure she trusts in your judgement..would

you really want her to make you a nervous wreck by worrying about the

complications, etc all the time ? I think instead of reading the 'I

can't wait until you're no longer a fat slob', which I'm sure she's

not actually saying, interpret that concern as, 'I can't wait until

you're healthy!' I have a feeling that you, like me, are reading more

negative connotation into it as well, because it matches your

underlying feelings. Sure, she maybe happy when you're thin and you

can do a lot more things or she could be also into having that normal

sized, healthy daughter, but hey, you want that as well, so it's not

fair to judge your Mom for wanting the same for you as you do for

yourself!

As for your friend, I'm sure she'll consider it after she sees you go

through it successfully. Will she no longer be your best friend if

you become a smaller version of you ? Not if she's really your best

friend! She maybe concerned and she may wonder if you're feelings

changed (a lot of people equate thin with shallow and maybe she

thinks you won't want a fat best friend once you're thin!) Only time

will take you through all those issues and your friendship should

come out stronger for it!

Good luck and we'll be swinging chickens for you!

Anita

Pre-pre-op in Denver

> I know this topic has been discussed ad nauseum...

>

> I recently told a few people what I have been doing- trying to get

> approved for the ds. I told my mom, a couple of friends. One

friend

> has been really supportive as she had another friend go through

> this. My mom has been almost TOO supportive. Its almost like she

> wants it for me more than I do. When I was waiting for Rabkin's

> office to send out the LOMN, she would call a couple times a week

> just to see if I had heard anything yet. Maybe its just my own

> insecurities. Anyhow, I wish I was hearing more of the 'I hope

> you'll be okay after surgery' than the 'I can't wait until your no

> longer a fat slob' in what she says to me regarding this whole

thing.

>

> Then, of course, I have another friend who is slightly overweight

> herself and somewhat insecure about it. I don't even know why I

told

> her. I guess because I spend alot of time with her. Anyhow, she

is

> sort of transparently supportive.

>

> And then I have another friend who has been really, truly

supportive

> but I really worry about her. She is also MO. I wish I could

> convince her to have the surgery, too, but I figure I should get

> through mine first before pushing it on someone else. Anyhow, I am

> worried about how our friendship will change because she is truly

my

> best friend and I would just not be able to get by without her

> friendship.

>

> Okay, well thats all. Just thought I'd see if people have any

advice.

>

> Amy

> Fremont, CA

> Pre-Op Rabkin/Jossart

> BMI 44

[Guest guest]

This is such a major life altering decision with risks involved that I

think we all need to decide for ourselves. I wouldn't want to talk

someone into this. I had to hit my own " rock bottom " ; no longer being

able to do day to day things, fear of falling and getting seriously

injured... before I could make this decision. If your friend asks for

info. give it to her or show her where she can search, but that's as far

as I would go.

JMHO Good luck to you.

> And then I have another friend who has been really, truly supportive

> but I really worry about her. She is also MO. I wish I could

> convince her to have the surgery, too, but I figure I should get

> through mine first before pushing it on someone else. Anyhow, I am

> worried about how our friendship will change because she is truly my

> best friend and I would just not be able to get by without her

> friendship.

>

> Okay, well thats all. Just thought I'd see if people have any advice.

>

> Amy

> Fremont, CA

> Pre-Op Rabkin/Jossart

> BMI 44

>

>

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

[Guest guest]

At 3:14 PM +0000 5/29/01, ayasud@... wrote:

>... My mom has been almost TOO supportive. Its almost like she

>wants it for me more than I do. ... I wish I was hearing more of the 'I hope

>you'll be okay after surgery' than the 'I can't wait until your no

>longer a fat slob' in what she says to me regarding this whole thing.

Gee, Ma, why hold back; tell us what's really on your mind . . .

>

>Then, of course, I have another friend who is slightly overweight

>herself and somewhat insecure about it. I don't even know why I told

>her. I guess because I spend alot of time with her. Anyhow, she is

>sort of transparently supportive.

>

>And then I have another friend who has been really, truly supportive

>but I really worry about her. She is also MO. I wish I could

>convince her to have the surgery, too, but I figure I should get

>through mine first before pushing it on someone else. Anyhow, I am

you got that right!

>

>worried about how our friendship will change because she is truly my

>best friend and I would just not be able to get by without her

>friendship.

>

>Okay, well thats all. Just thought I'd see if people have any advice.

Amy,

Get real! You are doing this for you, not for Mom. Or for your

friends. And, YES, you will surely be able to get by without the

friendship of your best friend, and if the surgery's results affect

your friendship, then the friendship is not all that your are making

it to be. You've got to think of Numero Uno here, and drown out the

other noise. The members of this list will help you focus on Numero

Uno. Stay tuned and in touch. And, good luck!

--

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Steve Goldstein, age 61

Lap BPD/DS on May 2, 2001

Dr. Elariny, INOVA Fairfax Hospital, Virginia

Starting (05/02/01) BMI = 51

BMI on 05/29 = 45.6

[Guest guest]

As for my Mom, I've hinted to her, but she'd rather have me try the next miracle drug than a surgical procedure.

I haven't told my mother, and I am not going to. ( long personal history here-basically she is a certifiable nut job) She has just turned 80 and has started saying things like "do you have plans if something happens to you?"

"you may go before I do" "shall we buy adjoining plots"-- Talk about being cursed. When I had my hysterectomy, she spent the week camped out in the hospital parking lot, or sitting in my room weeping on anyone who came near. EVERYTHING that I go thru becomes ALL about HER. (talk about your undifferentiated ego mass). I know that I will strangle her with my iv line if she comes anywhere near me while I am recovering from surgery-or beat her senseless (well, more than she already is) with the iv pole. And PLEASE, don't anyone tell me she just loves me -- she can't tell the difference between me and her. I'd say about half of my excess weight was put on in an effort to get her to notice that I am NOT her. (Nobody ever said subconscious reasons were logical, they usually aren't, they just make bizarre kinds of sense in context.)

The moral of this story is:

SOME people just cannot provide even a reasonable facsimile of support. DO NOT set yourself up for disappointment by trying to get it from them

[Guest guest]

>EVERYTHING that I go thru becomes ALL about HER. (talk about your

>undifferentiated ego mass). I know that I will strangle her with my iv

>line if she comes anywhere near me while I am recovering from surgery-or beat

>her senseless (well, more than she already is) with the iv pole. And PLEASE,

>don't anyone tell me she just loves me...

Man, I " m sitting here trying to figure out how my mother gave birth to you

and Sondra and I never knew about it! I've got two more sisters!

L.

--not telling anyone I'm related to -- of course it helps to live two time

zones away!)