Re: Nan/Dealing with Family and Friends

[Guest guest]

Nan,

I can totally relate to Moms and the " meshing " concept. My mom is

making efforts to be supportive but she is truly unable and her

psyche is plunging ahead with sabatoge efforts (too many to even go

into here). Not that I will let anyone sabatoge me but it is still

tough to tango with that, considering all I am trying to tackle in

regards to preparation (mental and physical).

As you said it is best not to set yourself up with any expectations

with such dysfunction. I made that mistake slightly, by making the

assumption that my mom would be there to bring my daughter to see me

(if I was up to it and it is appropriate) in the hospital. It turned

into a nightmare of a conversation with me on the verge of tears. How

silly of me to think that the one time her daughter actually kept her

in the loop during what will be a major operation (as I have had other

brief stints in the hospital that I never bothered to mention until

years later) she might be open to being supportive and actually bring

her grandaughter to the hospital (which comprises of leaving her

office for a few hours and taking a cab uptown with my daughter, not a

huge inconvenience in my book since she is her own boss, but what do I

know?!). I realized my error with such an assumption immediately after

it came out of my mouth and was once again sorry I left myself open to

disappointment.

Of course, as soon as I said forget it, I will ask my best friend, we

went directly into the martyr stage with Mom feigning devotion and

claimiing " as usual, somehow " she will manage it.

Mom has made no bones about each the fact that each time my surgery

was scheduled was more inconvenient FOR HER than the time before. How

selfish of me, to actually schedule surgery with little regard as to

the timing in HER life and concentrate on ME, MY SURGEON, etc. etc.

She too was very concerned with my " making plans in the event

something goes wrong " until I informed her that my plans for my

daughter, in the unlikely event of my demise, did not necessarily

revolve around my mother. All of a sudden, she won't consider such

matters. Heaven help my designated guardian in such an event as they

are surely looking at a long stint in probate court.

In all of this I have had reason to take a long hard look at my life

and take some of the blinders off and peer through the lense of my

reality instead of continuing to see through the fuzzy haze of my

fantasy life with the family I always longed to have. While it will

still take a few years to get my life on track and down the road I

know it can go, this surgery is a major step in the right direction.

Perhaps that is why Mom is so scared, I am finally going in a

direction she can't control.

And yes, she does love me, to the best of her ability. I am also

coming to terms with that, slowly wading through the anger and the

pain knowing it is time to rely on my abilities to love myself as I

have always deserved. This metamorphosis is and will be a long arduous

process which I finally welcome in my life.

Sondra

Preop BPD/DS

w/Dr. Herron 6/18/01

BMI 61

> In a message dated 5/29/01 10:14:37 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

> rowanceleste@y... writes:

>

> > I haven't told my mother, and I am not going to. ( long personal

history

> here-basically she is a certifiable nut job) She has just turned 80

and has

> started saying things like " do you have plans if something happens

to you? " EVERYTHING that I go thru becomes ALL about HER. (talk

about your undifferentiated ego mass). I know that I will strangle

her

with my iv line if she comes anywhere near me while I am recovering

from surgery-or beat her senseless (well, more than she already is)

with the iv pole. And PLEASE, don't anyone tell me she just loves me

-- she can't tell the difference between me and her. I'd say about

half of my excess weight was put on in an effort to get her to notice

that I am NOT her. (Nobody ever said subconscious reasons were

logical, they usually aren't, they just make bizarre kinds of sense

in

context.) The moral of this story is: SOME people just cannot

provide

even a reasonable facsimile of support. DO NOT set yourself up for

disappointment by trying to get it from them