Fears (was Re: New support group tonight)

[Guest guest]

Robynn, you are SO on-target with this. It's easy for me to forget

that although he seems like he knows a lot about it, he really hasn't

done the research into this procedure that I have.

> You need to openly speak with him about your own concerns and

fears. Let him know that he is not entirely alone with all of

that...but at the same time, let him know all about the research

you've done...about how low the risk of death is (at Kaiser, i think

it's less than 1 percent), and how likely it is that you will suffer

a premature death due to your obesity. That's something that he

needs to 'get " . Alot of times our spouses don't really " see " us as

morbidly obese. " She's not THAT fat. " Well, yes, she is...or she

wouldn't qualify for the surgery. He needs to understand that.

>

> He needs to understand the physical and psychological troubles that

you encounter every day due to this extra weight. He needs to know

the statistics that point to you getting fatter and fatter if you

don't have this surgery.

He knows all the risks of obesity. I may not have mentioned it

before, but he's over 300 lbs himself, diabetic, with sleep apnea.

His BMI isn't anywhere near as high as mine since he's also 6'4 " , but

he definitely knows the health risks of his (and my) weight. He just

chooses to believe that he can control them by exercise and diet

rather than surgery. maybe he can. He's still able to walk

miles at a time, bike to work, and so on. . . things I used to be

able to do back when I weighed " only " 220 lbs and he was even less.

> And then, tell him about the vision you have for your lives

together after surgery: more sex, more activity, less asking him to

go and fetch things for you because you can do it yourself. More of

a partnership. Tell him that you want/need to enter into a new

lifestyle, that you want him to be a part of. That as you both age,

you both need to add some walking and some healthier choices to your

day to day...that you want both of you to be active, healthy people.

Together.

I've said those things to him. I don't know if he believes that it

will happen yet. He's trying to make the lifestyle changes already;

he knows that I can't because I simply can't MOVE as well as I used

to, and that that's because of the weight. I just don't think he's

put it all together the same way I have.

> These are good first steps...but let him talk. Ask him questions

about his feelings...and print some articles for him to read so that

he can understand the whole thing better.

I know. I need to bring him to some of the sessions with the medical

team so he can ask his questions, too. It's still early days yet - I

haven't given up by any means yet. I just wish I had his enthusiastic

support rather than his fears to deal with.

> Good luck,

> Robynn

> P.S. I don't know how late you work, but you can always come in

late to the meeting, that's fine.

Not a chance - I'm in San , and I work till almost 9. Sounds

like it wasn't meant to be, anyway, if you were sick!

Cathy C.