Free will and worthlessness

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I think we all struggle with feeling worthless. When you've had to give up your jobs and careers, your home, your marriage or at least the role that you had in that aspect- (bill payer, housekeeper, mom, lover, etc) then yes, you fill worthless.

Like all of us, I struggle with those same issues. I do know that if I allowed myself to stay in that place, and not seek the help I need to get out of that place, I probably wouldn't be alive.

In order for any type of healing-- we have to first ask ourself why we are feeling worthless. Sure, most of us have some childhood issues-- whether it was overbearing parents, siblings, or sexual or physical or verbal abuse. Maybe our parents were alcoholics or drug addicts. They may have told us over and over that we weren't worth the piece of dirt under our feet.

We have choices, we can buy into their image of us-- or we can stop the cycle of abuse. When we continue to play those mind tapes over and over-- we affirm their process.

At what time do you say "Hey, I'm an adult. I can change the tape, and seek the help I need. I do not have to continue to be a victim of my past."

This last week, my son's girlfriend - on her 120 day anniversary of sobriety-- chose to buy a bottle of champagne, a fifth of Vodka, and a bottle of wine. Which she drank -alone- over the next 2 days. On day 2- she tried to hang herself from a shower curtain rod-- that thankfully had a spring system and wasn't permanently anchored to the wall. So, it just fell to the ground. She shattered a full length mirror, because she decided the woman looking back at her was too ugly. It was at this point when she came around far enough to reach out for help. She called 911-- and was taken out of town for help.

I spent all of last Thursday trying to find her. I finally did- 70 miles away, and in a 72 hr lockdown facility. I had to contact her dad, tell him what town she was in-- and to look up the numbers himself-- I was on the road trying to take care of letting her boss, and my son know that at least she was safe.

If you're wondering why I share this-- I'll explain. My son walked into his apartment to find the broken mirror, a broken curtain rod and a rope attached to it. No one was there. He had no idea where she was, and he was beside himself. He called me at 6:45 am, and had to be at his work at 7 am. So he asked me to find her. I had gotten to a place by noon thinking I have to go home and call the morgues.

I can't think of a more selfish act that she could have done. It tore up my son, her dad, my husband and I. Her boss and the assistant manager at her work were both in shock and tears. The outpouring of love on her behalf was incredible. She hasn't a clue, even today. We are back at square one-- and this is because she chooses to continue to play a mind tape that she has created telling her she is worthless.

This infuriates me. The amount of energy, love, money, miles, hours, days months, and the loving relationship she has been privy too for the last 15 months-- she chose to pick up the bottles and kick us all in the teeth.

It is hard when we see someone who has medical coverage, who has only to ask for a ride to an appointment, who has been explained to how to get medication at no cost, take absolutely no action to get better. You're right-- that's your free will.

To stay stuck in a place of depression-- stomach problems or not--- (most of us will have stomach problems from our meds, especially if we don't eat right) but at least we're fighting for our health. Any small step forward is huge. If we have side effects from our meds, we tell our MD's - and let them help us. These things can be handled, or not. .

, you're right--- you have "free will." And so do all of us that are on this group site. We REFUSE to see you as worthless.

You can choose to live in the past-- and give up your energy to those who shouldn't have it. Or you can step up to the plate, and get in the fight. I respect your right to chose. I hope you chose wisely.

Sincerely,

Tracie

NS Co-owner/moderator

[Guest guest]

,

I know how much you suffer with this disease, and with depression and concerns about taking meds due to your chronic stomach ulcer issues. I do understand.

One thing I'd like you to see is that when you have an appt, you seem to overdo it the day prior-- by staying up to late, or forgetting to tell someone that you need a ride, or the cellphone, or whatever. It sometimes seems like you are undermining yourself so that you can't get to these appts. I know that is part ofthe depression and not feeling like your worthy of getting well.

I've said it before, and I know that it falls on deaf ears-- but if you did treat your depression-- you would feel so much better. I can say that from first hand experience.

Can you write about depression, being depressed, and such. Yes, you can. But if you get a response that tells you to get help-- and you keep refusing to do so-- then eventually, we'll stop replying to those posts. Personally, I don't have the energy to beat my head against your wall-- as my beating my head on my own wall is too much.

I'm glad you're seeing a physical therapist. when they see that you're not getting much improvement, then maybe they'll take you more seriously.

Take care,

Tracie

[Guest guest]

Tracie, Those thoughts of mine that come back here and there over the last 2 years of just feeling worthlessness last awhile and go away and remain dormat. I never asked my family members to think or say such thoughts towards myself. They dumped this b.s. or trash talking upon me. I don't think or see anyone that writes in this group as worthless. Like what I written to Connie, this only has gone on in a intermitten mannor. Since I was diagnois of lung involvement of this sarcky stuff, they don't "SEE" something going on with myself such as a person is disfigured in a fire. You or someone mentioned before in refering to this Sarcoidosis as a "Hidden Disease". It hasn't helped any matters that I can't get a lousy MRI done on my legs because that's the bulk of my pain is there in my legs. Two weeks ago I went down to Ann Arbor V.A. Hospital just to have my eyeglasses adjusted

because they wouldn't stay up on the bridge of my nose. While down there, I went to what is called "Station 10" is where neurology patients and pain patients meet (but on different days). They wanted me to come back for an appointment which was this morning. Going backtrack here for a moment. I stayed up to long in cleaning around the kitchen which perhaps I shouldn't have late as I did do that. I didn't take this Gabaptin until I was getting ready to try to go to sleep. This medcine makes me sleepy, however may not do that until 2 hours after taking this medcine. So this vibration on the bottom of my feet and lower legs, the burning pain on the bottom of my feet, and this electrical discharge feeling or prickling feeling on the bottom of my feet continued to go on because like I said I didn't take this until going to bed. We had thunderstorms going on last night in this area making sometimes their loud noise. Finally Kathy was snoring once in awhile too. So when I wanted

to go to sleep around 12:30 to 1:00 a.m., I couldn't because of all those factors listed above. I eventually did fall asleep around 3:00 a.m. I got up at 5:00 a.m., left the apartment at 5:40 a.m., and Kathy took me to the V.A. clinic way north of town where it is to ride on this D.A.V. van shuttle directly down to Ann Arbor to see the neuro doc. I only got a little more sleep on the way down there. Why did I go down there on very little sleep??? Because of the desire of "getting to bottom" of this pain in my legs. In essence, an anti-worthlessness attitude of my part. Tracie, I knew that people that written into this thing have had a had time about their health going back to late 2004 before anyone written to me to try to counteract this worthlessness or any other adjectives simliar in meaning. Anyway, I'am going to have some physical therapy on my legs but they are still not willing to have this MRI done on them. This in itself

just REINFORCES this opinion of myself of that I'am worthless- ness. Oh I wasn't talking with slurred speech 2 weeks ago. Perhaps I did have "brain fog" and not paying attention to what I was writing. You know, I should have not said that what Jennerfer stated before about her beliefs in practistizing being a witch in her own words. I said in my opinion that is junk. I should just kept my thoughts to myself. Would you mind if I write about things that are depressing, and things to do that are anti-depressing to these very same indiviual circumstances, situations??? tiodaat@... wrote: Sometimes I think we all struggle with feeling worthless. When you've had to give up your jobs and careers, your home, your marriage or at least the role that you had in that aspect- (bill payer, housekeeper, mom, lover, etc) then yes, you fill worthless.Like all of us, I struggle with those same issues. I do know that if I allowed myself to stay in that place, and not seek the help I need to get out of that place, I probably wouldn't be alive. In order for any type of healing-- we have to first ask ourself why we are feeling worthless. Sure, most of us have some childhood issues-- whether it was overbearing parents, siblings, or sexual or

physical or verbal abuse. Maybe our parents were alcoholics or drug addicts. They may have told us over and over that we weren't worth the piece of dirt under our feet. We have choices, we can buy into their image of us-- or we can stop the cycle of abuse. When we continue to play those mind tapes over and over-- we affirm their process. At what time do you say "Hey, I'm an adult. I can change the tape, and seek the help I need. I do not have to continue to be a victim of my past." This last week, my son's girlfriend - on her 120 day anniversary of sobriety-- chose to buy a bottle of champagne, a fifth of Vodka, and a bottle of wine. Which she drank -alone- over the next 2 days. On day 2- she tried to hang herself from a shower curtain rod-- that thankfully had a spring system and wasn't permanently anchored to the wall. So, it just fell to the ground. She shattered a full

length mirror, because she decided the woman looking back at her was too ugly. It was at this point when she came around far enough to reach out for help. She called 911-- and was taken out of town for help. I spent all of last Thursday trying to find her. I finally did- 70 miles away, and in a 72 hr lockdown facility. I had to contact her dad, tell him what town she was in-- and to look up the numbers himself-- I was on the road trying to take care of letting her boss, and my son know that at least she was safe. If you're wondering why I share this-- I'll explain. My son walked into his apartment to find the broken mirror, a broken curtain rod and a rope attached to it. No one was there. He had no idea where she was, and he was beside himself. He called me at 6:45 am, and had to be at his work at 7 am. So he asked me to find her. I had gotten to a place by noon thinking I have to go

home and call the morgues. I can't think of a more selfish act that she could have done. It tore up my son, her dad, my husband and I. Her boss and the assistant manager at her work were both in shock and tears. The outpouring of love on her behalf was incredible. She hasn't a clue, even today. We are back at square one-- and this is because she chooses to continue to play a mind tape that she has created telling her she is worthless.This infuriates me. The amount of energy, love, money, miles, hours, days months, and the loving relationship she has been privy too for the last 15 months-- she chose to pick up the bottles and kick us all in the teeth. It is hard when we see someone who has medical coverage, who has only to ask for a ride to an appointment, who has been explained to how to get medication at no cost, take absolutely no action to get better. You're right-- that's your free

will. To stay stuck in a place of depression-- stomach problems or not--- (most of us will have stomach problems from our meds, especially if we don't eat right) but at least we're fighting for our health. Any small step forward is huge. If we have side effects from our meds, we tell our MD's - and let them help us. These things can be handled, or not. . , you're right--- you have "free will." And so do all of us that are on this group site. We REFUSE to see you as worthless. You can choose to live in the past-- and give up your energy to those who shouldn't have it. Or you can step up to the plate, and get in the fight. I respect your right to chose. I hope you chose wisely.Sincerely,TracieNS Co-owner/moderator

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[Guest guest]

To all,

Having suffered and been treated for depression 2 times (when each of

my parents died) I knew that this disease could precipitate a problem.

So I began to see a counselor proactively -- before depression could

hit. Was this being pessimistic? I don't think so. It has helped to

have someone I could talk to about anything, someone not judgemental,

someone who could help me see things from another perspective. That's

not to say I don't get down some days. Yes, definitely do. And I still

worry depression will hit. I'm not sure why it hasn't, given the

problems we have to deal with, living with this disease. But getting

qualified help is wonderful. And it makes life for those around you

better as well. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for those who

love you and see you suffering.

-

>

> ,

>

> I know how much you suffer with this disease, and with depression and

> concerns about taking meds due to your chronic stomach ulcer issues.

I do

> understand.

>

> One thing I'd like you to see is that when you have an appt, you

seem to

> overdo it the day prior-- by staying up to late, or forgetting to

tell someone

> that you need a ride, or the cellphone, or whatever. It sometimes

seems like you

> are undermining yourself so that you can't get to these appts. I

know that

> is part ofthe depression and not feeling like your worthy of getting

well.

>

> I've said it before, and I know that it falls on deaf ears-- but if

you did

> treat your depression-- you would feel so much better. I can say

that from

> first hand experience.

>

> Can you write about depression, being depressed, and such. Yes, you

can.

> But if you get a response that tells you to get help-- and you keep

refusing to

> do so-- then eventually, we'll stop replying to those posts.

Personally, I

> don't have the energy to beat my head against your wall-- as my

beating my head

> on my own wall is too much.

>

> I'm glad you're seeing a physical therapist. when they see that

you're not

> getting much improvement, then maybe they'll take you more seriously.

>

> Take care,

> Tracie

>