Guilt, and not eating over it: A long and rambling saga

[Guest guest]

Last night I did the unthinkable: I called in sick for today's shift at Alta Bates Cancer Center. I've had this cold for 4 days. My head feels like a concrete block; my throat burns and aches; my voice is all froggy, I'm coughing, and I feel like shit.But once you're signed up it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find another nurse to switch shifts with. So all day yesterday I'd tried to convince myself that I'd be well enough to work. I KNEW today would be tough there because the weekdays have been getting halacious, overflowing into the weekends. I didn't want to dump on the other nurse, someone I really like (another Martha). But later last night I realized that I was getting worse, not better. So I started trying to find someone to work for me. Naturally, no one was available. I called one of the RNs who'd worked yesterday. She said the good news was that I was actually one of 3 nurses supposed to work today. The bad news was that they'd added on the third RN because this weekend's schedule was the Schedule From Hell. Yesterday they'd been in the clinic until 7:30 PM  (weekend shifts are supposed to end at 4:30). She added that a lot of the patients scheduled for today were immune-compromised and I shouldn't be there if I'm sick. Well, DUH.So finally I called Martha, the other RN. Gracious, kind person that she is, she told me that I sounded horrible, and to stay home; she and the other RN would cope just fine. She added that the patients wouldn't want me there anyway, which we all know is true, although it doesn't matter to the clinic administration. This is not unusual in health care. The need for bodies to take care ofpatients overrules the need for them to be healthy bodies.Ack, administration. To cover that base, I called the assistant admin/charge nurse at home. Luckily she wasn't home. I know she would have begged, threatened, and been furious with me for being sick. As it was, I left a message saying I'd tried to get someone to fill in for me, but I couldn't. If it had been just me and Martha, I don't know what she would have done because she MUST have 2 nurses to run the place. She might have had to come in and work herself, and she works long hours during the week.Since (luckily) there were 3 RNs scheduled, I'm sure she just said to herself, well, fine, at least there are 2 still on; they'll manage. Anyway, I feel pretty bad because I called in sick. Even though I know it was the right thing to do for me and the patients; even though Martha let me off the hook; even though I know it's ridiculous, I feel so bad. I've been on the receiving end of days like that--where someone's sick and I've had to pick up the slack. Patients are pushed to the limit; you don't have time to put any thought or personal connection into what you're doing; and it's a setup for errors because of the pressure. Administrators shrug their shoulders and give you a pen on Nurses' Day. Makes me want to quit nursing and never go back. I hate to do that to another nurse.I am NOT eating over this. Can't taste anything anyway; what would be the point? Snuffle, cough, hack...Martha

[Guest guest]

Yikes Martha!!

So sorry to hear you are feeling so crappy. Take care of yourself,

let go of the guilt!! You are taking care of your patients by

taking care of yourself. I know, easy to say. I went back to work

after my uterine biopsy...cuz I didnt want to leave the other

teachers in the lurch...even though the sub said she could stay.

>

> Last night I did the unthinkable: I called in sick for today's

> shift at Alta Bates Cancer Center.

> I've had this cold for 4 days. My head feels like a concrete

> block; my throat burns and aches; my voice is all froggy, I'm

> coughing, and I feel like shit.

> But once you're signed up it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find

> another nurse to switch shifts with.

> So all day yesterday I'd tried to convince myself that I'd be

> well enough to work. I KNEW today would be tough there because

> the weekdays have been getting halacious, overflowing into the

> weekends. I didn't want to dump on the other nurse, someone I

> really like (another Martha). But later last night I realized

> that I was getting worse, not better. So I started trying to

> find someone to work for me.

> Naturally, no one was available. I called one of the RNs who'd

> worked yesterday. She said the good news was that I was actually

> one of 3 nurses supposed to work today. The bad news was that

> they'd added on the third RN because this weekend's schedule was

> the Schedule From Hell. Yesterday they'd been in the clinic

> until 7:30 PM (weekend shifts are supposed to end at 4:30). She

> added that a lot of the patients scheduled for today were

> immune-compromised and I shouldn't be there if I'm sick. Well,

> DUH.

> So finally I called Martha, the other RN. Gracious, kind person

> that she is, she told me that I sounded horrible, and to stay

> home; she and the other RN would cope just fine. She added that

> the patients wouldn't want me there anyway, which we all know is

> true, although it doesn't matter to the clinic administration.

> This is not unusual in health care. The need for bodies to take

> care of patients overrules the need for them to be healthy

> bodies.

> Ack, administration. To cover that base, I called the assistant

> admin/charge nurse at home. Luckily she wasn't home. I know she

> would have begged, threatened, and been furious with me for

> being sick.

> As it was, I left a message saying I'd tried to get someone to

> fill in for me, but I couldn't. If it had been just me and

> Martha, I don't know what she would have done because she MUST

> have 2 nurses to run the place. She might have had to come in

> and work herself, and she works long hours during the week.

> Since (luckily) there were 3 RNs scheduled, I'm sure she just

> said to herself, well, fine, at least there are 2 still on;

> they'll manage.

> Anyway, I feel pretty bad because I called in sick. Even though

> I know it was the right thing to do for me and the patients;

> even though Martha let me off the hook; even though I know it's

> ridiculous, I feel so bad. I've been on the receiving end of

> days like that--where someone's sick and I've had to pick up the

> slack. Patients are pushed to the limit; you don't have time to

> put any thought or personal connection into what you're doing;

> and it's a setup for errors because of the pressure.

> Administrators shrug their shoulders and give you a pen on

> Nurses' Day. Makes me want to quit nursing and never go back. I

> hate to do that to another nurse.

> I am NOT eating over this. Can't taste anything anyway; what

> would be the point?

> Snuffle, cough, hack...

> Martha

[Guest guest]

Martha...

i know how you feel. I've been sort of relying more upon my colleagues than usual (and we were already overworked because we are short a couple of people), and I felt so bad about it, I cried in front of them. Embarrassing for a tough attorney to sniffle in front of colleagues. But, there you have it. The anemia has really compromised my ability to do my job well...fuzzy brain power and lack of focus just doesn't work when you are an attorney. (some of you may argue that all of us attorneys have fuzzy brain power...)

this is a real humbling, difficult experience...to learn that I am not invincable. but you know what? I am human. SO are you. And frankly, if you had been more honest with yourself about the fact that you are mortal...you would have realized at a much earlier point that you really needed to find a replacement. You may not have found anybody even so...but it is a lesson, isn't it?

Strong people, all of us. I hear and Tim and and you and me...all of us thinking we have to carry the world on our shoulders. Meanwhile, some of our colleagues have found the secret: balance. Your personal needs must be met...your health needs must be attended to...if not...you can't be as effective at work. Not forever. You may pull off one herculean task after another...but sooner or later, it will catch up to you...because, you are human.

I think that is a great lesson for all of us. Thanks for sharing it, because hearing it come from your mouth makes the reader go, "Well, DUH, Martha...of COURSE you should stay home. You can't HELP it if you are sick..it's NORMAL." It's easier to see the folly of another SuperWoman than it is to see your own folly.

Accomodators...SuperPeople...do we do all of this because we feel worthless if we don't? Why do we drive ourselves to do things that take a terrible toll on our bodies and minds? Does this ever stop? Do we ever get to the point of being like Cybill Shepard in that Loreal commercial, "This I do for me. Because I'm worth it." That used to annoy me, I thought she was ridiculous and conceited and vain. How dare she think she's WORTH it. What a weird concept.

ANd yet, she's right on, isn't she? So, Martha...forgive yourself for being human...step back and think, "If my best friend conveyed to me what I just conveyed to the board...what would I tell her? Would I judge her for being weak...or would I whack her over the head for being so darn hard on herself?"

Kisses to you, even though you are really germy.

Robynn Diane Duenas wrote:

Yikes Martha!!So sorry to hear you are feeling so crappy. Take care of yourself, let go of the guilt!! You are taking care of your patients by taking care of yourself. I know, easy to say. I went back to work after my uterine biopsy...cuz I didnt want to leave the other teachers in the lurch...even though the sub said she could stay.> > Last night I did the unthinkable: I called in sick for today's> shift at Alta Bates Cancer Center.> I've had this cold for 4 days. My head feels like a concrete> block; my throat burns and aches; my voice is all froggy, I'm> coughing, and I feel like shit.> But once you're signed up it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to find> another nurse to switch

shifts with.> So all day yesterday I'd tried to convince myself that I'd be> well enough to work. I KNEW today would be tough there because> the weekdays have been getting halacious, overflowing into the> weekends. I didn't want to dump on the other nurse, someone I> really like (another Martha). But later last night I realized> that I was getting worse, not better. So I started trying to> find someone to work for me.> Naturally, no one was available. I called one of the RNs who'd> worked yesterday. She said the good news was that I was actually> one of 3 nurses supposed to work today. The bad news was that> they'd added on the third RN because this weekend's schedule was> the Schedule From Hell. Yesterday they'd been in the clinic> until 7:30 PM (weekend shifts are supposed to end at 4:30). She> added that a lot of the patients scheduled for today were> immune-compromised

and I shouldn't be there if I'm sick. Well,> DUH.> So finally I called Martha, the other RN. Gracious, kind person> that she is, she told me that I sounded horrible, and to stay> home; she and the other RN would cope just fine. She added that> the patients wouldn't want me there anyway, which we all know is> true, although it doesn't matter to the clinic administration.> This is not unusual in health care. The need for bodies to take> care of patients overrules the need for them to be healthy> bodies.> Ack, administration. To cover that base, I called the assistant> admin/charge nurse at home. Luckily she wasn't home. I know she> would have begged, threatened, and been furious with me for> being sick.> As it was, I left a message saying I'd tried to get someone to> fill in for me, but I couldn't. If it had been just me and> Martha, I don't know what she would have done

because she MUST> have 2 nurses to run the place. She might have had to come in> and work herself, and she works long hours during the week.> Since (luckily) there were 3 RNs scheduled, I'm sure she just> said to herself, well, fine, at least there are 2 still on;> they'll manage.> Anyway, I feel pretty bad because I called in sick. Even though> I know it was the right thing to do for me and the patients;> even though Martha let me off the hook; even though I know it's> ridiculous, I feel so bad. I've been on the receiving end of> days like that--where someone's sick and I've had to pick up the> slack. Patients are pushed to the limit; you don't have time to> put any thought or personal connection into what you're doing;> and it's a setup for errors because of the pressure.> Administrators shrug their shoulders and give you a pen on> Nurses' Day. Makes me want to quit nursing and

never go back. I> hate to do that to another nurse.> I am NOT eating over this. Can't taste anything anyway; what> would be the point?> Snuffle, cough, hack...> Martha