Wanting to instigate a deep conversation!!

[Guest guest]

Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially ones that are at or

close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read along.....these are

issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when they hit, I was blown

out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed up. Im still

reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this surgery arent

discussed much.

1. Relationships: How is your current relationship handling the new

you?

2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?

3. Do you feel like you are going through a second adolescence or

rebellion?

4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex? If so how are

you handling it? If you are married.....is it scaring the heck ok

hell out of you?

5. Do you wonder who you are and what you want....and does it keep

changing??

6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??

Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside down, shaken not

stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im eating out of comfort

again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big time( twice a

day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know what Im dealing

with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if anyone else is

dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself to an

institution.

Huggles

[Guest guest]

, I am glad that you posted this because a lot

of people probably are dealing with the same thing

that you mentioned but are too afraid to put it out

there. I just got back from a week long trip from the

Bahamas and let me tell you I did not want to come

back. But, to answer you questions, here are my

answers:

1. Relationships: How is your current relationship

handling the new you? I thought my relationship was

handling the new me, rather I thought I had a handle

on things but have recently found that to be not so.

>

> 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you? I

am dealing with the new me as things come. It

certainly is a challenge from one day to the next but

I learned to just keep rolling and to handle things

just as the occur and not wait around until it is too

late.

>

> 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second

> adolescence or rebellion? Sort of like both.

>

> 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex?

Yes I am and that truly is a understatement.

If so how are you handling it? I am handling it one

prayer at a time and that is all I can humanly do. If

you are married.....is it scaring the heck ok

hell out of you? I am married and I would not say

that this is scaring the heck or hell out of him.

What I can say is that what we want for ourselves

sometimes is contradictory to what our spouses what

for ourselves and I will leave it at that.

>

> 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you

> want....and does it keep changing?? I tossed that

idea around on my vacation while in the Bahamas and I

did somethings that I would not ordinarily do or even

think of doing (nothing like you might be thinking so

stay with me). I did live on the edge but I did not

fall off the cliff so to speak.

>

> 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??

I found out that I am more independent than I thought

and not really a codependent at all. I have found it

easy to speak what I feel rather than sugar coat it

and tap dance around it. I realize that it is

important that I speak the truth rather than be too

concerned with the emotional pin cushion that often

hurts us more by not speaking what we feel rather than

nipping things in the bud when it occurs.

, no one told me about the things that we have

to deal with or choose to deal with or not. I knew

already. I am staying grounding in my approach to

everything in this new life howbeit difficult at best,

I found that I am stronger than I considered myself to

be. I can sit here all day, everyday and say stay

strong and pray about it and it will not make that big

of a difference if you are not going to be honest

about the situation. You have to be happy and

if for some reason there is some doubt, I think it is

time that you really evaluate things...your life, your

marriage, your family, etc. and see exactly where you

stand. You can't continue to live a lie if that is

what you have been doing. Consider the source of

things and seek the truth for yourself without outside

influence. The best decisions you can ever make about

your life is the one where there is no one but

calling the shots..you know what I mean. In the end

it is YOU that you have to be accountable to for YOUR

own actions and not to us.

I know that I rambled on and probably did not offer

you a soft place to rest in all of the madness and

that is just my point. I did not want to because I to

am turning the knobs on the doors of life with

concerns of my own. While for this moment I can't

allow this to burden me and steal my joy, at the same

time, I am walking through each door and embracing

everything that I encounter and for those things that

add to my living then I file it so that later I can

recall that memory and for those things that could

potentially be poison or cancerous, I identify it and

leave it. Remember, you have the POWER and that power

is in the decisions and choices that you eventually

will have to make or have made. I hope you find peace

in the midst of your storm .

Pam Marsh-Body in California but everything else is

still in Nassau Bahamas (sigh!!)

--- Diane Duenas brendadiane64@...>

wrote:

> Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially

> ones that are at or

> close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read

> along.....these are

> issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when they

> hit, I was blown

> out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed

> up. Im still

> reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this

> surgery arent

> discussed much.

>

> 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship

> handling the new

> you?

>

> 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?

>

> 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second

> adolescence or

> rebellion?

>

> 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex?

> If so how are

> you handling it? If you are married.....is it

> scaring the heck ok

> hell out of you?

>

> 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you

> want....and does it keep

> changing??

>

> 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??

>

> Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside

> down, shaken not

> stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im eating

> out of comfort

> again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big

> time( twice a

> day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know

> what Im dealing

> with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if

> anyone else is

> dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself

> to an

> institution.

>

> Huggles

>

>

>

>

__________________________________

Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005

http://mail.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

, I think alot of the feeings you are having are normal, but I really suggest you seek out some counseling from a psychologist who specializes in people who have gone through the program. Have you spoken to the psychologist over at Richmond? Maybe she can suggest somebody. It would be worth it, even if you can only afford to go a few times.

1. Relationships. My husband, from whom I am separated, struggled initially with the thought that I would change if I lost the weight. And then, at a certain point, when he could see that I finally had a real weightloss solution, he admitted to me that my weightgain had put a damper on his sexual attraction to me. That was hard to hear, even though, BIG SURPRISE. I mean, it would have affected me if he had gained a lot of weight. (Actually, he has quite a tummy going on, and when he loses weight, I find myself more attracted to him. I hate that this is the truth, but it is.) He isn't sure how to treat me...but he's more attracted. This makes me sad, because it feels like "too little, too late." I had "turned off" of him a long time ago.

Olivier: Hard to say. He was sweet, and he commented on my weight...but he didn't make a big, big deal about it. He was being a bit more jealous than usual, but that's possibly because of . I did feel more confident...less urgently dependent upon him...or less desperately attracted...I think because I felt like I had more options out there? Not sure.

: As the time approaches for him to come here, and as I am starting to feel more attractive, there is a little demon in me thinking, "Gee...do I really want to settle down? And really, what if he isn't hot hot hot? I mean, what if he's wonderful, but on the physical front, I could do better..." These thoughts disgust me. I hate thoughts like that...but they lurk around...no doubt brought on by the attention I'm starting to get from very cute, young things in the neighborhood. But, at the same time, these men don't KNOW the real me.

The one thing that Steve (husband) said that struck a nerve, and that made me think was, "And where were these men when you weighed 261 lbs.? They weren't sniffing around then, were they?" It pissed me off a bit, because, in fact...Olivier and I started out with an attraction when I was 245 lbs. But, at the same time, he has a point. These are people just attracted to my exterior shell...which is GOING to change. I hope to God that I can lose the weight and keep it off for good...but in any event, I'm going to age. And so, you know...I can't rely upon people who like the shiny exterior. The truth is, I'm moody, frequently melancholy, often self-centered. I mean, will these guys showing me attention because they think I'm cute...will they still think I'm cute when they truly know me?

Some of the women in my life are a little different towards me. There are those that are very thrilled and supportive (the vast majority), and then there are a couple that are being a bit strange. A little jealous, I guess. WHich I find odd...because I still think they are more attractive than I am...and they are definitely thinner than I am.

2. The new me. I still have 30 or 40 lbs. to go before I'm where I want to be. But, I definitely feel differently. I was at normal weight about 10 years ago, so it hasn't been THAT long for me...but I have noticed that I'm starting to use my looks a bit more to my advantage. I wear make up more, I wear jewelry, etc. I flirt a bit more (sometimes to get things, like the story I conveyed about having my headlamp and oil changed for free at BMW). I'm not sure if I like that. But, I do feel more confident in a lot of ways...but more self-conscious in other ways. Like I'm totally aware of my upper arms, and I hate the jiggles. I also talk about my weight more now, believe it or not. I feel prettier...and like I'm worth more. I hate to say that, but it's true. My friend teased me when he was here, not realizing how true his words were. I can't remember what prompted him to say this...but at a

certain point, he said (mimicking my voice), "You know, I don't have to put up with your crap anymore. I'm beautiful, I won't settle for that kind of behaviour." He wasn't being mean-spirited, at all. But it struck me on a number of levels. I mean, I think there is a part of me that feels that way. But that he would recognize that (when I hadn't conveyed to him that I felt more "entitled" on some bizarre level) shocked me. It made me wonder if I was THAT different...but it also made me realize that on some level, he felt that now that I'm getting "normal" I'm more entitled...and that kind of made me sad about the state of this world.

3. Not exactly a second adolescense of rebellion...but I'm essentially single. However, I am starting to think, "Do I really want to be in another relationship, with somebody trying to tell me what to do...having to check in and get permission?" I mean, I want to be able to stand up for myself, and not be so "accomodating" all of the time. So, in that way, I guess I feel rebellion. You know, "You're not the boss of me." But, I started feeling that way before I left Steve. And sometimes I wonder if it really had more to do with me not knowing how to stand up for myself than it had to do with him being controlling. I just don't know.

As far as a second adolescense, I've always been active...and kind of went out and did what I wanted to do. The bar scene doesn't appeal to me, really...although it was fun when I was out (safely) with Olivier, Serge and Armand. But, I do want to quit my job and go to paris...or better yet, get a leave of absence and go for 6 months. i want to explore the things that caused me to be fearful before. ANd I am more focused on my looks now, and I find that to be adolescent. You know, "Hmmm...plastic surgery? Definitely." that kind of crap.

4. I have been getting a lot of attention from men. It hasn't scared me, because i used to get it alot, anyway. It has been a little surprising, I guess. When I was younger, the attention was both exhilirating and scary. As it tapered off, I chalked it off to the fact that I was getting older, I was married, and I was starting to be fat. So, it's been a surprise at how many men mention things to me. You know, "beautiful shirt you are wearing, I love the colors." "Give me a smile and make my day." "You are gorgeous, you know that?" These are offered from the street. I find it a bit annoying, to be frank. I think, now that I'm older, and I've had men love me for more substantive reasons...I find that the attention just based upon my exterior shell is rather meaningless. So, I kind of chalk it up to, "Ok...whatever. Thanks for the compliment." It's nice, sometimes...depending upon how the

compliment is delivered, and by whom.

But you konw, I kinda went through a lot of this BEFORE my weight loss. When I met Olivier, he was this incredibly sexy, sweet French guy. Totally my fantasy. He started paying attention to me, and my whole life changed. I started losing weight (when things got bad, I started gaining again), I started feeling rebellious towards my husband (Like, I went to Paris TWICE without him, despite his objections), I started being more irritated at all of the little things he did that had never registered as extreme irritants before. I started dressing younger. I was kind of open and flagrant about my attractiont to Olivier. I think THAt was my second adolescense. It was fun and wonderful...and then it got bad and complicated. I wound up finally leaving my husband, and nothing ever really came to fruition between Olivier and me. (even though he left his wife 8 months before I left my husband.)

This whole thing went on for three and a half years before I left Steve. We never slept together, but we were inappropriately physical with each other. Kissing, etc. And it was intense, and glorious and horrible. And it continued for another year and a half after that. I was nearly insane during that time. So was I scared? You bet. And being in that mode of indecision...torn between my commitments and my fantasies...well, it wasn't easy.

I still love O, to be honest. Always will, on some level. But, I started realizing that hwile Olivier had everything that Steve lacked...he didn't have a lot of the wonderful qualities that Steve had. I was looking only for that which I was missing in my current relationship. But those things, taken on their own as opposed to a supplement to my marriage relationship were quite simply, insufficient to sustain a love relationship.

And there is a part of me that wishes I never met him. I'd probably have a child with my husband had this not happened, for one thing. On the other hand, there was a lot of growth and expansion I needed to do in my own life. I'm still in that growth mode. And it could be that will be the exact combination that I'm looking for: Olivier and Steve combined. In many ways, it seems that he is. But, here I am...still loving Olivier, still loving Steve. And having doubts and fears about ...because, for one thing...I'll have to give up Olivier and Steve if this thing goes forward. Unlike Olivier, is not afraid to make something real with me. And that is both exhilirating and scary beyond words.

5. Who we are and what we want always changes. Because WE change. It's normal to change your mind, to even have mutually exclusive desires and wants. For example, I want freedom. But I also want a loving, committed relationship and a child. I want to travel the world. But, I want a house and a picket fence. I want to live in an apartment in Paris...but I also want to live out in some country village. You usually can't do these things at the same time.

I think that real maturity is learning to balance your desires...find something that fulfills most of them...and then, learn how to embrace what you have with gratitude.

I needed to separate from Steve to find myself. I still haven't figured it all out. There is still a part of me that thinks about going back to him...another part that can't imagine ever giving up my freedom again. We are complex people...and I think that sometimes we become overweight because we eat ourselves into oblivion...choking down the feelings of discontent. Making ourselves fat so that we have to stay in one place. Stagnant.

But you can grow within your marriage, too. You can start developing a more independent life, like with your marathon. Finding things that you enjoy. Quit asking permission...you are an independent adult, after all. Not the child of your husband. He will hate it for a while, but he'll get used to it. It's not rebellion. He's not your father. He's your PARTNER. And in a partnership, there are two sets of needs. If you were always subliminating your own needs to meet his (like his need for security which is all about having you sitting next to him all of the time)...well, that's not a partnership. That's not healthy. And yes, when you change that dynamic, things will change. But many times, they change for the better...after you get through the rocky transition.

Finally, ...getting fat again is NOT going to fix your dilemma. You've tasted the other side, and that won't leave you. Even if you do get fat again. Stop it. It's not the solution. It won't fix anything. You know the expression, "You can't go home again"? Meaning that sometimes when we leave the nest, and go off into the wide, wide world...it's scary and complicated. But going back to the nest is not really an option...because you have changed too much. You will never feel the security of that nest without having the bittersweet loss of the freedom you've experienced.

What will fix your problem is if you address your emotional issues head on...and live through the rocky times. Find yourself. Find in all of this. Keep writing and thinking and working on it. When you get scared, remind yourself that this is normal. It's normal to be scared. But, finding yourself is also wonderful and worthwhile. It may be that stuff comes up from your childhood...stuff that you don't want to deal with...like molestation or abuse or neglect. These things come up as you get unwelcome attention from others...as you find yourself feeling powerless...as you start to feel more entitled to good treatment from others. This is good. It's good to explore these issues...keeping them buried is not healthy. So, go through the grief process from your childhood woes. Get to the point of acceptance. And accept yourself, too.

Look, I am finding that even at this early stage (3 and a half months) I have done a little bit of emotional eating. Yesterday, I grazed. I had two SF chocolate puddings. In addition to my three meals. I wasn't particularly hungry. I was feeling a bit anxious about coming here. I'm worried that I may not be attracted to him. I am worried that I WILL be attracted to him.

So, I know that I have to really work on that. Because me stalling my weightloss...well, maybe I think that this will push him away, so I won't have to worry about hurting his feelings if I don't feel the same way for him that he does for me. And I won't have to take that next step towards divorce from Steve. It's easier, in some ways.

But stupid. And I have to stop and realize that this is not the solution. It's cutting off my nose to spite my face.

What has surprised me is knowing that I am in charge of my own destiny, to a great extent. I make the choices, and I live with the consequences of those choices. I'm a grown up. I'm an adult, responsible for ME. And I can't keep living like a child, moment to moment, mouthful to mouthful. It's a child's response to grab a cookie when there is something tough going on in an emotional realm. It's seeking comfort...but it's a fleeting and childish comfort. As an adult, I have to be a bit more resourceful, more real...more to the point. It's not about what you are eating...it's about what is eating you. And until you get to the bottom of that...lyou are going to continue to struggle.

Don't let Starbucks be your God. Look to God for help. I know you are Catholic. Don't make Starbucks your idol...that breaks one of the 10 commandments. When you are casting your cares upon a coffee drink...don't forget that there is One who can give you water that will cause you never to thirst again. Be brave and dig deep. You need all of this attention from others because you were neglected when you were younger...you didn't get the love and attention you needed from your parents. But, , even if you had the most attentive hubby in the world...that need you have in you...to be loved by your parents...can not be filled by a husband's attention. He is not your parent. He cannot fill that hole.

As a grown up, you need to say to yourself, "You know...that train passed me by...the train with the loving, giving parents. And I'm sad about it, because I deserved to be loved and nurtured by my parents. But, I'm a grown up now. I will love and nurture myself. I will make sure that I take care of me, instead of relying upon others to do it. And when my husband or others in my life give me kindness and attention...WONDERFUL! That's frosting on the cake. But, I'm not going to look to others to fill this chasm left by my unloving parents. It can't be done. All I can do is heal...or I can choose to pick the scab so that it will never heal. I want it to heal, so I will forgive my parents, really, for their inadequacies...I will feel love and compassion for that child who didn't get what she needed...and I will move on to the adult me...making sure that I give myself real love and compassion." Real love and compassion

can't be found in a Starbucks cup. It's a false sense of well-being that is fleeting at best.

OK, end of sermon (much of which is self-directed, you understand. I've walked/am walking in your shoes, too.)

I love you...thanks for bringing this up.

Robynn Diane Duenas wrote:

Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially ones that are at or close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read along.....these are issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when they hit, I was blown out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed up. Im still reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this surgery arent discussed much.1. Relationships: How is your current relationship handling the new you?2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?3. Do you feel like you are going through a second adolescence or rebellion?4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex? If so how are you handling it? If you are married.....is it scaring the heck ok hell out of you?5. Do you wonder who you are and what you want....and does it keep changing??6. What emotionally are you

surprised that came up??Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside down, shaken not stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im eating out of comfort again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big time( twice a day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know what Im dealing with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if anyone else is dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself to an institution.Huggles

[Guest guest]

Welcome back, Pam! I missed you while you were gone!! I can't wait to hear about your vacation. I'm working from home this a.m., but will be in later on, so hopefully we can touch base!

Love,

RobynnPamela A Marsh wrote:

, I am glad that you posted this because a lotof people probably are dealing with the same thingthat you mentioned but are too afraid to put it outthere. I just got back from a week long trip from theBahamas and let me tell you I did not want to comeback. But, to answer you questions, here are myanswers:1. Relationships: How is your current relationshiphandling the new you? I thought my relationship washandling the new me, rather I thought I had a handleon things but have recently found that to be not so.> > 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you? Iam dealing with the new me as things come. Itcertainly is a challenge from one day to the next butI learned to just keep rolling and to handle thingsjust as the occur and not wait around until it is

toolate.> > 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second> adolescence or rebellion? Sort of like both.> > 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex? Yes I am and that truly is a understatement.If so how are you handling it? I am handling it oneprayer at a time and that is all I can humanly do. Ifyou are married.....is it scaring the heck ok hell out of you? I am married and I would not saythat this is scaring the heck or hell out of him. What I can say is that what we want for ourselvessometimes is contradictory to what our spouses whatfor ourselves and I will leave it at that.> > 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you> want....and does it keep changing?? I tossed thatidea around on my vacation while in the Bahamas and Idid somethings that I would not ordinarily do or eventhink of doing (nothing like you might be thinking sostay

with me). I did live on the edge but I did notfall off the cliff so to speak.> > 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??I found out that I am more independent than I thoughtand not really a codependent at all. I have found iteasy to speak what I feel rather than sugar coat itand tap dance around it. I realize that it isimportant that I speak the truth rather than be tooconcerned with the emotional pin cushion that oftenhurts us more by not speaking what we feel rather thannipping things in the bud when it occurs., no one told me about the things that we haveto deal with or choose to deal with or not. I knewalready. I am staying grounding in my approach toeverything in this new life howbeit difficult at best,I found that I am stronger than I considered myself tobe. I can sit here all day, everyday and say staystrong and pray about it and it will not

make that bigof a difference if you are not going to be honestabout the situation. You have to be happy andif for some reason there is some doubt, I think it istime that you really evaluate things...your life, yourmarriage, your family, etc. and see exactly where youstand. You can't continue to live a lie if that iswhat you have been doing. Consider the source ofthings and seek the truth for yourself without outsideinfluence. The best decisions you can ever make aboutyour life is the one where there is no one but calling the shots..you know what I mean. In the endit is YOU that you have to be accountable to for YOURown actions and not to us.I know that I rambled on and probably did not offeryou a soft place to rest in all of the madness andthat is just my point. I did not want to because I toam turning the knobs on the doors of life withconcerns of my

own. While for this moment I can'tallow this to burden me and steal my joy, at the sametime, I am walking through each door and embracingeverything that I encounter and for those things thatadd to my living then I file it so that later I canrecall that memory and for those things that couldpotentially be poison or cancerous, I identify it andleave it. Remember, you have the POWER and that poweris in the decisions and choices that you eventuallywill have to make or have made. I hope you find peacein the midst of your storm . Pam Marsh-Body in California but everything else isstill in Nassau Bahamas (sigh!!)--- Diane Duenas wrote:> Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially> ones that are at or > close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read> along.....these are > issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when

they> hit, I was blown > out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed> up. Im still > reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this> surgery arent > discussed much.> > 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship> handling the new > you?> > 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?> > 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second> adolescence or > rebellion?> > 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex?> If so how are > you handling it? If you are married.....is it> scaring the heck ok > hell out of you?> > 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you> want....and does it keep > changing??> > 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??> > Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside> down, shaken not > stirred and

I dont know how to handle it. Im eating> out of comfort > again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big> time( twice a > day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know> what Im dealing > with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if> anyone else is > dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself> to an > institution.> > Huggles> > > > __________________________________ Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005 http://mail.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Thats cool Robynn. I will stop by your office but I

will check with Carol concerning your schedule. I had

a blast honey!!!

Pam Marsh

--- Robynn VanPatten robynnsf@...> wrote:

> Welcome back, Pam! I missed you while you were

> gone!! I can't wait to hear about your vacation.

> I'm working from home this a.m., but will be in

> later on, so hopefully we can touch base!

>

> Love,

> Robynn

>

> Pamela A Marsh sweetnlow20012001@...> wrote:

> , I am glad that you posted this because a lot

> of people probably are dealing with the same thing

> that you mentioned but are too afraid to put it out

> there. I just got back from a week long trip from

> the

> Bahamas and let me tell you I did not want to come

> back. But, to answer you questions, here are my

> answers:

>

> 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship

> handling the new you? I thought my relationship was

> handling the new me, rather I thought I had a handle

> on things but have recently found that to be not so.

> >

> > 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?

> I

> am dealing with the new me as things come. It

> certainly is a challenge from one day to the next

> but

> I learned to just keep rolling and to handle things

> just as the occur and not wait around until it is

> too

> late.

> >

> > 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second

> > adolescence or rebellion? Sort of like both.

> >

> > 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite

> sex?

> Yes I am and that truly is a understatement.

> If so how are you handling it? I am handling it one

> prayer at a time and that is all I can humanly do.

> If

> you are married.....is it scaring the heck ok

> hell out of you? I am married and I would not say

> that this is scaring the heck or hell out of him.

> What I can say is that what we want for ourselves

> sometimes is contradictory to what our spouses what

> for ourselves and I will leave it at that.

> >

> > 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you

> > want....and does it keep changing?? I tossed that

> idea around on my vacation while in the Bahamas and

> I

> did somethings that I would not ordinarily do or

> even

> think of doing (nothing like you might be thinking

> so

> stay with me). I did live on the edge but I did not

> fall off the cliff so to speak.

> >

> > 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came

> up??

> I found out that I am more independent than I

> thought

> and not really a codependent at all. I have found

> it

> easy to speak what I feel rather than sugar coat it

> and tap dance around it. I realize that it is

> important that I speak the truth rather than be too

> concerned with the emotional pin cushion that often

> hurts us more by not speaking what we feel rather

> than

> nipping things in the bud when it occurs.

>

> , no one told me about the things that we have

> to deal with or choose to deal with or not. I knew

> already. I am staying grounding in my approach to

> everything in this new life howbeit difficult at

> best,

> I found that I am stronger than I considered myself

> to

> be. I can sit here all day, everyday and say stay

> strong and pray about it and it will not make that

> big

> of a difference if you are not going to be honest

> about the situation. You have to be happy

> and

> if for some reason there is some doubt, I think it

> is

> time that you really evaluate things...your life,

> your

> marriage, your family, etc. and see exactly where

> you

> stand. You can't continue to live a lie if that is

> what you have been doing. Consider the source of

> things and seek the truth for yourself without

> outside

> influence. The best decisions you can ever make

> about

> your life is the one where there is no one but

>

> calling the shots..you know what I mean. In the end

> it is YOU that you have to be accountable to for

> YOUR

> own actions and not to us.

>

> I know that I rambled on and probably did not offer

> you a soft place to rest in all of the madness and

> that is just my point. I did not want to because I

> to

> am turning the knobs on the doors of life with

> concerns of my own. While for this moment I can't

> allow this to burden me and steal my joy, at the

> same

> time, I am walking through each door and embracing

> everything that I encounter and for those things

> that

> add to my living then I file it so that later I can

> recall that memory and for those things that could

> potentially be poison or cancerous, I identify it

> and

> leave it. Remember, you have the POWER and that

> power

> is in the decisions and choices that you eventually

> will have to make or have made. I hope you find

> peace

> in the midst of your storm .

>

> Pam Marsh-Body in California but everything else is

> still in Nassau Bahamas (sigh!!)

> --- Diane Duenas brendadiane64@...>

> wrote:

>

> > Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially

> > ones that are at or

> > close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read

> > along.....these are

> > issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when

> they

> > hit, I was blown

> > out of the water and didnt know how to act. I

> messed

> > up. Im still

> > reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this

> > surgery arent

> > discussed much.

> >

> > 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship

> > handling the new

> > you?

> >

> > 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?

> >

> > 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second

> > adolescence or

> > rebellion?

> >

> > 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite

> sex?

> > If so how are

> > you handling it? If you are married.....is it

> > scaring the heck ok

> > hell out of you?

> >

> > 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you

> > want....and does it keep

> > changing??

> >

> > 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came

> up??

> >

> > Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside

> > down, shaken not

> > stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im

> eating

> > out of comfort

> > again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big

> > time( twice a

> > day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know

> > what Im dealing

> > with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know

> if

> > anyone else is

> > dealing with this crap or if I need to commit

> myself

> > to an

> > institution.

> >

> > Huggles

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________

> Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005

> http://mail.yahoo.com

>

>

=== message truncated ===

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Pam and Robynn

God I love you two!! There is so much wisdom and compassion in what

you have written. I think Im living what you have written, but doubt

myself. I am a strong woman and am making my own choices, and I will

drag hubby with me kicking and screaming if I have to.

Will write more later, interruption at work right now.

Huggles

>

> > Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially

> > ones that are at or

> > close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read

> > along.....these are

> > issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when they

> > hit, I was blown

> > out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed

> > up. Im still

> > reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this

> > surgery arent

> > discussed much.

> >

> > 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship

> > handling the new

> > you?

> >

> > 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?

> >

> > 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second

> > adolescence or

> > rebellion?

> >

> > 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex?

> > If so how are

> > you handling it? If you are married.....is it

> > scaring the heck ok

> > hell out of you?

> >

> > 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you

> > want....and does it keep

> > changing??

> >

> > 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??

> >

> > Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside

> > down, shaken not

> > stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im eating

> > out of comfort

> > again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big

> > time( twice a

> > day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know

> > what Im dealing

> > with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if

> > anyone else is

> > dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself

> > to an

> > institution.

> >

> > Huggles

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________

> Yahoo! Mail - PC Magazine Editors' Choice 2005

> http://mail.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

You've discovered something , that I always tell the newbies:

that this journey is going to change you in ways you can't even

imagine (and I'm not talking about the weight loss!)

I thought I had realistic expectations, for the surgery. I figured

I'd still be the same schmuck/bundle of fears and neuroses that I

was pre-op, just in a smaller container. Well guess what? As the

3rd anniversary of my orientation meeting (first Saturday of Nov,

2002) approaches, I've been marvelling at just how different a

person I've become in that time.

Sure, a lot of fundamental things haven't changed, and a lot of

superficial things have, but I am not the person who dragged himself

into that Saturday morning class, not so very long ago. None of us

are. A lot of us used our weight as literal body armour, to keep

the world away and to protect ourselves. When we lose it, it's

natural to feel vulnerable.

The surgery was done with a scalpel, not a magic wand, and it was

done on our stomachs, not our brains. As for your specific points:

1. As you well know , my " current " relationship is handling

the new me just fine, thank you very much - LOL! (For those who

don't know, TLOML is also a member of this list.) Of course it's

impossible to say whether " THIS " would have happened without the

surgery, since we met over two years ago, in our post-op case

management meetings. She has, however watched my entire recovery,

and is my daily inspiration to maintain and explore all the paths on

our journey.

2. I'm still getting used to the new me. It's not as foreign as

when I literally couldn't recognize myself, if I caught my relection

in a mirror or store window, but The neural network has been wired

since birth, to think of myself as fat and that's not going to

change overnight.

3. I've definately gone through remedial adolescence! Face it,

we're confronting all the same issues: getting used to radically

changing bodies, coping with attention (or lack of it) from others,

trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives, and how we

fit into the universe. I've also experienced rebellion, or as I

call it, " compliance fatigue. " Being in such tight control for so

long is bound to lead to a period of experimentation.

Unfortunately, we usually discover that we can (a year or so out)

once again eat more than we need. That's usually the point when

posties realize that the hard work is just starting. " Rebound gain "

is quite normal during this phase. The trick is to realize that

it's happening and to take the necessary corrective action before

things get out of control.

4. Am I getting attention from the opposite sex? I don't think

so. Nothing overt in any case. I may just be oblivious, since I'm

not " out there " but I'm not aware of any (although a certain pair of

eyes may be rolling right now).

5. See number 3. I don't know of many people, for whom this ever

stops (and I'm talking normies, here).

6. I've been surprised at how close to the surface my emotions

are. I can be overwhelmed (as opposed to merely whelmed) by

seemingly trivial or innocent things, and the waterworks will

spontaniously erupt, for no particular reason. On the other end,

I've had uncontrollable fits of the giggles too. Go figure.

As for having my life turned upside down . . . well yeah, there is

that too. Fortunately in my case, it's all the result of something

very wonderful and most definately welcomed. I wish you luck,

strength, and insight, in dealing with your situation. It's hard

not to get dizzy, when you're in the blender. Try to go with the

flow, and avoid those sharp blades on the bottom.

> Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially ones that are at

or

> close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read along.....these are

> issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when they hit, I was

blown

> out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed up. Im still

> reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this surgery arent

> discussed much.

>

> 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship handling the

new

> you?

>

> 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?

>

> 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second adolescence or

> rebellion?

>

> 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex? If so how are

> you handling it? If you are married.....is it scaring the heck ok

> hell out of you?

>

> 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you want....and does it keep

> changing??

>

> 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??

>

> Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside down, shaken not

> stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im eating out of comfort

> again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big time( twice a

> day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know what Im dealing

> with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if anyone else is

> dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself to an

> institution.

>

> Huggles

[Guest guest]

Thanks Tim

These changes are ones I marvel in myself. Im going to be ok. Ive

made the decisions in my life that I want to make. My relationship

with my hubby is improving daily(ummm he accuses me of trying to kill

him though LOL). We are talking more and he and I both are coming to

terms with the I am. Are times tough sometimes...sure...like

when I posted this topic. But I opened it up so that people will feel

comfortable exploring this aspect of this surgery. I am happy in my

life. I am discovering and I like who she is becoming. Im

enjoying my life and the detours and valleys of this journey. Along

the way people come into your life and help you through those times.

You,Martha,Robynn, Pam and so so many others are so important to me.

I love you all.

Huggles

> > Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially ones that are at

> or

> > close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read along.....these are

> > issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when they hit, I was

> blown

> > out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed up. Im still

> > reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this surgery arent

> > discussed much.

> >

> > 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship handling the

> new

> > you?

> >

> > 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?

> >

> > 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second adolescence or

> > rebellion?

> >

> > 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex? If so how are

> > you handling it? If you are married.....is it scaring the heck ok

> > hell out of you?

> >

> > 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you want....and does it

keep

> > changing??

> >

> > 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??

> >

> > Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside down, shaken not

> > stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im eating out of

comfort

> > again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big time( twice a

> > day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know what Im dealing

> > with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if anyone else

is

> > dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself to an

> > institution.

> >

> > Huggles

[Guest guest]

All of this conversation has brought on a new issue in my "self-discovery". My ex-husband and I have been divorced for about 2½ years (After 8 years together, since I was 17). I have spent this last few years trying to figure out who am I? Who is Barbara? Am I only his wife? Am I only LTLJ's Mom? What more is there to me?

I can identify with a lot of what you all have said. And as Tim said, I do use my weight as my armor. My way of keeping the world away so they cannot see how insecure and scared I really am. I desparately long for the closeness and companionship that a relationship carries, but tend to stear away from anything resembling a healthy relationship and then wonder why I see nothing but heartache. It is a viscious cycle. I know there are things I need to improve in me before my life will start taking the turns I want and/or need it to take. But it all has to start with me. I think this is one of the biggest things that scares me about this surgery. This is the first thing in my adult life that I have done just for me. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is only about making my life happier and healthier and a decision made only by me and about me. It is scary to think that.

I don't think any of us realized how much all of this does effect us emotionally. It's a scary road, but I am glad I have all of you to share it with.

Thanks for listening,

Barbara (LTLJSMOM)

From: Diane Duenas Sent: Monday, September 26, 2005 1:16 PMTo: gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients Subject: Re: Wanting to instigate a deep conversation!!

Thanks TimThese changes are ones I marvel in myself. Im going to be ok. Ive made the decisions in my life that I want to make. My relationship with my hubby is improving daily(ummm he accuses me of trying to kill him though LOL). We are talking more and he and I both are coming to terms with the I am. Are times tough sometimes...sure...like when I posted this topic. But I opened it up so that people will feel comfortable exploring this aspect of this surgery. I am happy in my life. I am discovering and I like who she is becoming. Im enjoying my life and the detours and valleys of this journey. Along the way people come into your life and help you through those times. You,Martha,Robynn, Pam and so so many others are so important to me. I love you all.Huggles> > Ok, this will be mostly for post ops, especially ones that are at > or > > close to goal weight. Pre ops, please read along.....these are > > issues that I wasnt told about pre op and when they hit, I was > blown > > out of the water and didnt know how to act. I messed up. Im still > > reeling from some of it. Emotional effects of this surgery arent > > discussed much.> > > > 1. Relationships: How is your current relationship handling the > new > > you?> > > > 2. How are you handling/dealing with the new you?> > > > 3. Do you feel like you are going through a second adolescence or > > rebellion?> > > > 4. Are you getting attention from the opposite sex? If so how are > > you handling it? If you are married.....is it scaring the heck ok > > hell out of you?> > > > 5. Do you wonder who you are and what you want....and does it keep > > changing??> > > > 6. What emotionally are you surprised that came up??> > > > Thanks everyone. My life has been turned upside down, shaken not > > stirred and I dont know how to handle it. Im eating out of comfort > > again and giving in to my starbucks addiction big time( twice a > > day). Im a mess. Robynn my dear friend, you know what Im dealing > > with and I feel like Im drowning. I need to know if anyone else is > > dealing with this crap or if I need to commit myself to an > > institution.> > > > Huggles