Re: gift when child dies

[Guest guest]

Ann

this is right up my alley. By the way, if you are interested I have compiled some research and wrote a little bit about how to support friends during this time.

I would have suggested someday heaven for the kids...that book is great and you might be the one who told me about it...either you or N told me about it.

The thing I see help bereaved parents in meetings is finding a symbol for thier child. It might just be butterflies that represent new life. Or the dragonfly story has made us bigtime dragonfly fans here. Also anything that the child loved (like balls and skateboards in our 's case) can be symbols...so if you could find a little token and know them well enough then that is helpful.

Donations are nice, yet I would have been happier to get something like this...well thought out and meaningful.

There is also the angel of hope statues that are in about fifty cities now. They allow you to purchase a brick in memory of your child and that is nice. We visit the angel often b/c we had cremated and dont' have a gravesite to visit.

Now, I am not saying this to plug my own business, but the reason I came up with the grief line is because I saw the need for it. If you visit my website www.heartliftersgallery.com there is a line of framed Grief things...dragonfly story is there too. There is also a card line that would be helpful to send her in the next year. I now have where you can buy cards individually but haven't changed my website yet. Anyway, that's an option for you.

I think if you go to www.thecompassionatefriends.org you can click on butterfly botique and see what they have there. I haven't looked there in a while and dont' know if they can get it to you that quickly but its there if you want to look.

if you have any questions, please ask away.

deb...mom to three great kids and wife to one amazing guy!http://www.lifeofloveproject.org/http://www.heartliftersgallery.com/

[Guest guest]

Anne,

Having been there, I can assure you that your first instinct, to be

there for this family and listen while they work their way through

the shock of this overwhelming and unexpected loss, is right on

target. Many people have the ability to " be there " for the grieving

family in the beginning, but few have the courage to continue to do

so weeks and months and years later, when it's really needed.

The greatest gift you can give this family is to be one of those who

is around for the long term, to listen when they talk about this

precious boy who was gone too soon, and to share your memories of him

with them. The worst part of grief is the silence we endure when we

mention our lost children, and people turn away or change the subject.

I can't remember what material gifts people gave to me when my

daughter died, but I remember with love each person who let me speak

about her after the initial weeks of grief.

Theresa

> My dear friend's little boy passed away very unexpectedly on

Tuesday morning. he had a mitochondrial disease but his death was

the last thing any of us expected for him. It has been a complete

shock to their family. He is 3 1/2 years old and the youngest of 6.

the oldest is only 17. All of the kids were home when he went into

respiratory arrest. The older boys (15 and 17) were trying to do CPR

on him - they all watched the paramedics come, they all were at the

hospital while staff worked and worked on this sweet little one and I

cannot imagine how traumatized they all feel (as well as guilty

because if only, if only, if only...).

>

> I know the most important thing I can do is be there for my friend

and listen to her go through every detail as she has been doing. she

needs to tell someone every detail of what happened. she needs

someone to laugh and listen to her memories and I can do that.

>

> Aside from that i want to do something for them/ give them

something on Saturday when I go to the funeral. I wondered if any of

you could share things you know have been helpful....

>

> Three of the kids are age 5-11 and I want to give them the book

called Someday heaven - My friend gave it to me and my kids love it.

It answers questions kids have about heaven with honest but

comforting answers.

>

> I thought about the book called The Anatomy of Hope for their

primary nurse who is absolutely devastated by this ....The Anatomy

of .Hope is by Jerome Gropman and I love it.

>

> I thought about a locket for the mom....but not sure. Or something

for her and dad.....Not sure about the teenagers...they may even find

comfort in the same book for the little ones because I know my

daughter has even though she is 17. The questions are always the

same.

>

> A plant....a stepping stone...I just don't know... things to make

ceramic tiles that they could each dedicate to this little boy,

donations???//any ideas?

>

> so heart broken I can not sleep.....how fast life can slip

away ....as his mom says " anne it was too soon. i was not ready. " and

i wonder are we ever ready?

>

> anne

> Anne

> www.caringbridge.org/wi/zachsam

[Guest guest]

Anne,

Unfortunately, I have been there. Even though my daughter's, Tyler, death

was expected, it was still a most devasting shock. You are right in letting

them tell their " story " . It is necessary in the healing process to tell it

over and over again. " They " say everytime you tell your story you are a

little closer to healing, although there is never any closure.

I remember most the support from all of my family and friends. Just being

there, even when I didn't want them there, is so important. After the

funeral and when all extended friends and family go on with their lives is

the hardest. I didn't always answer the phone when people called to check

on me, but I did appreciate their messages of love and concern.

The greatest gift I found for me was when people shared a Tyler memory.

Tyler's birthday was a few months after she died. My older daughter wanted

to come up with something to do, so she decorated a box and we asked all our

friends and family to write a letter sharing how Tyler made them smile. I

know I clung/cling to those letters. They are something to hold and read,

again and again, to remember your child. I used to think there were good

pictures of Tyler, now I think they are all terrific. It sounds like you and

this family are close, so if you have a picture or particular memory of

their child, write it down and give it to the Mom. She can remember with

you and appreciate how others thought her child was so special.

As far as books go for the children, my older daughter was given a book

called The Missing Piece. I don't know where it is right now and she is

gone, but when she gets back this weekend, I will have her get it and send

you the author. It was most comforting to her. She attended a grief camp

called Comfort Zone Camp, and they used this book for a weekend camp. This

is a terrific camp, and my daughter and I do volunteer work with them. They

hold weekend camps in Richmond VA for children from all over the US who have

a lost a sibling or parent. I can't say enough good about this camp. The

website is comfortzonecamp.org. If down the road the parent's are looking

for resources for their children, please pass this along. And I would be

happy to answer any questions about camp for you that I could. The camp is

free to all and they fly a parent and the children in for free too.

I am sorry for your broken heart. You are a good friend to be finding out

what you can do. My heart is with this family. No parent should ever bury

a child. And it is always too soon.

Susie

mom to Tyler (forever 12) and (17)

>

>Reply-To: Mito

>To: Mito >

>Subject: gift when child dies

>Date: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 08:14:32 -0700

>

>My dear friend's little boy passed away very unexpectedly on Tuesday

>morning. he had a mitochondrial disease but his death was the last thing

>any of us expected for him. It has been a complete shock to their family.

>He is 3 1/2 years old and the youngest of 6. the oldest is only 17. All

>of the kids were home when he went into respiratory arrest. The older boys

>(15 and 17) were trying to do CPR on him - they all watched the paramedics

>come, they all were at the hospital while staff worked and worked on this

>sweet little one and I cannot imagine how traumatized they all feel (as

>well as guilty because if only, if only, if only...).

>

>I know the most important thing I can do is be there for my friend and

>listen to her go through every detail as she has been doing. she needs to

>tell someone every detail of what happened. she needs someone to laugh and

>listen to her memories and I can do that.

>

>Aside from that i want to do something for them/ give them something on

>Saturday when I go to the funeral. I wondered if any of you could share

>things you know have been helpful....

>

>Three of the kids are age 5-11 and I want to give them the book called

>Someday heaven - My friend gave it to me and my kids love it. It answers

>questions kids have about heaven with honest but comforting answers.

>

>I thought about the book called The Anatomy of Hope for their primary nurse

>who is absolutely devastated by this ....The Anatomy of .Hope is by Jerome

>Gropman and I love it.

>

>I thought about a locket for the mom....but not sure. Or something for her

>and dad.....Not sure about the teenagers...they may even find comfort in

>the same book for the little ones because I know my daughter has even

>though she is 17. The questions are always the same.

>

>A plant....a stepping stone...I just don't know... things to make ceramic

>tiles that they could each dedicate to this little boy, donations???//any

>ideas?

>

>so heart broken I can not sleep.....how fast life can slip away ....as his

>mom says " anne it was too soon. i was not ready. " and i wonder are we ever

>ready?

>

>anne

>Anne

>www.caringbridge.org/wi/zachsam

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[Guest guest]

Anne,

I am so sorry for your friends loss. How about helping them plant

a memorial garden at their home. It is something they can all be

part of and will be a daily reminder of life-not death.Each of the

children can pick out somehitng special to plant. It can be their

contribution. Just a thought.

Dawn

[Guest guest]

Anne, I am so sorry for your friends loss. My cousins wife passed

away at age 34 and left 3 young children. The youngest being 5 at

the time. To help the kids remember there mom, I left sheets of

paper at the wake and church that had her name at the top and then

the first line said I remember when . . . Quite a few people wrote

stories about their favorite memories of Sue. I then combined all

of the stories, photo copied them, and bound them into a book for

each one of her children. When they are missing their mom they can

now go back to their book and remember her and learn a little more

about what a great person she was.

Geri-Anne and Wyatt, Complex I

> My dear friend's little boy passed away very unexpectedly on

Tuesday morning. he had a mitochondrial disease but his death was

the last thing any of us expected for him. It has been a complete

shock to their family. He is 3 1/2 years old and the youngest of

6. the oldest is only 17. All of the kids were home when he went

into respiratory arrest. The older boys (15 and 17) were trying to

do CPR on him - they all watched the paramedics come, they all were

at the hospital while staff worked and worked on this sweet little

one and I cannot imagine how traumatized they all feel (as well as

guilty because if only, if only, if only...).

>

> I know the most important thing I can do is be there for my friend

and listen to her go through every detail as she has been doing.

she needs to tell someone every detail of what happened. she needs

someone to laugh and listen to her memories and I can do that.

>

> Aside from that i want to do something for them/ give them

something on Saturday when I go to the funeral. I wondered if any

of you could share things you know have been helpful....

>

> Three of the kids are age 5-11 and I want to give them the book

called Someday heaven - My friend gave it to me and my kids love

it. It answers questions kids have about heaven with honest but

comforting answers.

>

> I thought about the book called The Anatomy of Hope for their

primary nurse who is absolutely devastated by this ....The Anatomy

of .Hope is by Jerome Gropman and I love it.

>

> I thought about a locket for the mom....but not sure. Or

something for her and dad.....Not sure about the teenagers...they

may even find comfort in the same book for the little ones because I

know my daughter has even though she is 17. The questions are

always the same.

>

> A plant....a stepping stone...I just don't know... things to make

ceramic tiles that they could each dedicate to this little boy,

donations???//any ideas?

>

> so heart broken I can not sleep.....how fast life can slip

away ....as his mom says " anne it was too soon. i was not ready. "

and i wonder are we ever ready?

>

> anne

> Anne

> www.caringbridge.org/wi/zachsam

[Guest guest]

Anne,

There is a creativity kit for a garden stone which you can make. The kids could each put something in the stone which would remind them of their brother.

Also, memory boxes are nice. You decopage pictures of the child or a poem on the lid and fill it with special things that belonged to the child. These are two things things that I have heard of.

Such a sad loss that reminds us just how vulnerable our kids are

Laurel

[Guest guest]

Anne,

I know that when my daughters twin passed away at birth, my best friend made a scrap book up for me of all of the little things that were for Karianna. Some wrapping paper from her shower, pictures of some of the outfits, she wrote some of the funny things that happened while I was pregnant with her like when she first saw her kick. She wrote a poem and put that in there. It was a connection for me to have forever that even though we didn't get a lot of time with her she was loved by us and our friends. Although I have a forever connection to her in Krisalynn, I still get out Karianna's book and look every once and a while. We even have a picture of her just before her last breath that the nurses took that she put in the book.

I agree with everyone else here. She will need a listener for life that she can feel free to talk with about him. My friend is the best in this area and I treasure that the most that Karianna has not been forgotten.

HUGS!

O and crew - Kira,, and Krisalynn Mitochondrial Myopathy-MIDS Maternally Inherited Dysautonomia- NVD ( Nuro Vascular Dystrophy) and dad Enrique

Visit our web page: WWW. caringbridge.org/ca/mitooggo

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