depression/suicide

[Guest guest]

This letter is going to be pretty blunt, so if talking about suicide is offensive or uncomfortable for you, you should probably delete now. Otherwise, be warned that this will be a lonnnnng letter, so get some tea & get comfortable.

For the past few weeks (months?) I have thought almost daily about how I could kill myself. I tried to think of a way that would be surefire, so that I wouldn't survive & be worse off than I am; not hurt other people, like a car crash might; not leave any suspicion of suicide, because I wouldn't want my kids & grandkids to have to deal with that. The only person I talked to about this was Tracie. I didn't talk to anyone I know, including my doctor, because if I went through with it, they would be saying, "Oh, I knew she was thinking about it," or whatever.

Now, a little about depression, and my thoughts regarding suicide. I believe that in most cases people don't kill themselves because of physical, financial, social, emotional situations, but because of the lack of hope. I've heard & read so many stories of rich & famous people, physically healthy people, killing themselves. So I know that just having enough money, being healthy, etc. does not always satisfy our deepest needs.

I've lived with chronic depression for probably 25+ years. I first took medication for it about 13 years ago. I believe that it's caused by a combination of situational factors, genetics & screwed-up brain chemistry. I don't think that any of my family or friends has any idea how serious this is. I'm an excellent faker (maybe should look into acting? Hmmm, have to be able to memorize lines though.) I also have times when I feel genuinely joyful, and hopeful. But over the last year, the times I've felt hopeless, useless, worthless, have increased.

I recognize that I'm much more fortunate than many. I know that many people in this group are much sicker than I am. I see stories of people suffering in Haiti, Africa, etc., and know that my little house would be like a mansion to them, and feel guilty for all that I have, and all that I discard. I know that, thanks to my work history & the amount of money I earned, I am much more secure financially than many people struggling with chronic illness. So, intellectually, I realize that I really have it made. But knowing something in your mind, and really believing it in your heart, and accepting it in your soul, are very different things.

One of my favorite pieces of literature is "Desiderata." I don't know right now where it is in my house, but parts that come to me (probably not exact words) are "don't compare yourself to others, or you will become vain or bitter, for there are always those who are better or worse off than yourself," and also this part, "You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." I even have a recording of it. But again, although I know it's true, and sometimes I sing the second part in my head, those heavy, hopeless feelings persist.

Well, there is some light in this story. About 3 weeks ago I went to see my primary care doc, with no intention of sharing any of this. But I was unusually quiet, flat, not joking, and he asked me if I was okay. (God bless him, because most of the time I think they're just relieved you aren't going to take up time with a bunch of complaints & questions.) I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I was afraid he'd pop me into stress unit right then, but I did tell him I was pretty depressed. I've been on Cymbalta for the last two years, because of its help with neuropathic pain as well as being an antidepressant. He suggested we switch to Lexapro & even had his nurse call the drug rep to ask whether I could use both of them together. The rep advised against it, so we talked about increasing my Lyrica dose if needed, as I've been taking the minimum dose. He gave me some samples of a lower dose of Cymbalta to taper off it, as well as Lexapro samples. He also suggested decreasing the dose of Toprol I take, saying that it can cause or worsen depression. I didn't realize that. I started it several years ago for my hypertension, then the dose was increased to control an unexplained tachycardia (fast heart rate) that I had developed. My blood pressure is mostly good now. Before taking Pred, I was on 2 antihypertensives, then had to add 2 more because the Pred drove my b/p so high. But in the 2+ years I've been off the Pred, I've been able to stop 2 of the drugs, and now the Toprol is at a low dose. The medication changes have helped and I'm feeling much more hopeful now.

I've tried to return to the list several times, but was so overwhelmed by all the unread messages that I gave up. This time I'm going to just start with today, and try to gradually catch up with past news. So please be patient if I don't seem to know what you are talking about, or I'm repeating what someone else has already said.

Welcome to all the new folks.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

[Guest guest]

ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU AND IF YOU EVER ATTEMPT SUICIDE, YOU WILL HAVE ME COMING OVER TO WHIP YOUR ASS!

That being said, I am so so very glad that you have come back to us. Don't worry about the past--and all that is sitting waiting for you. It will repeat itself, and we'll discuss it again.

I think for all of us, dealing with the chronicity of illness is sometimes more than any of us think we can handle. I can't urge all of you enough-- get the phone number of someone you can relate to on this group, or keep the Hotline # for your area next to your phone-- and when you hit bottom, call someone.

We had our son's ex-girlfriend try to hang herself this last September. she didn't succeed! But over the next several months, she found her comfort in fifths of Vodka. She doesn't weigh more than 90 pounds, and this was a daily event. She is now in a 30 day inpatient program (on day 22 I believe) and is sober, getting the help she needs and deserves, and prayerfully, will find her way.

Going over to their apartment, finding her missing, seeing the rope hanging on the curtain rod for the shower, (thank god it wasn't a rod that was anchored to the wall)-- was the most humbling experience of my life. My son had to be at work, and I had been asked to find out where she was- or even if she was alive.

Seventeen years ago, I found myself suffering from chronic pain due to a serious back injury I'd had happen while working retail. I ended up self-treating with pain meds, and I was working for MD's. so I had access to the drug reps, the sample closet, and the fact that even then- it took an army of MD's to take care of me, I had several writing scripts for pain meds.

It took me a long, long while to realize that I was at the bottom. I was working 60 hours a week, and going to my chiropractor 2x daily. I was taking 100mg of Vicodin at a time-- multiple times a day. I was taking Soma, Relafen, Robaxin, Lortab, Hydrocodone, Darvocet, Duregisic, and more-- and still in pain. It was at this point that I realized I was killing myself.

I ended up going home from work, and to this day, I don't know if this happened, or if this is a dream. I turned on the tv, and there was a show about a woman who was a newsreporter. She'd been after a story, running with a 70 pound camera on her shoulder, when her high heel caught in a crack in the sidewalk, and she went down. She shattered vertebrae, and her life-- she was also a Blackbelt Karate instructor-- was over as she knew it.

She ended up on suicide watch, 24/7-- pain meds didn't touch her pain. She too, had accidently heard of comprehensive pain medical rehab centers. There were only 2 in California, one in LA and one in Auburn. I live a 2 hour drive from Auburn.

This pain clinic had the psychotherapist, the reflexologist, the physical therapist, massage therapist, Rheumatologist, Neurologist, Physical Medicine MD, the biofeedback therapist, the anesthesiologist, the Chiropractor all under one roof. It was "outpatient" so I lived in a motel for 3 1/2 weeks-- driving down on Sunday night and coming home each Friday afternoon.

We started our day with a walk around the building-- (it was the size of a normal home.) For some of us, this was all we could manage. Others made it to the end of the block-- 3 houses down. We worked up to whatever distance we could handle. Then we came back for an hour of group education on pain issues. There were 7 women in my group. Next we had our private appointments - with whatever specialist we needed. For me, it was the therapy and biofeedback, and physical medicine MD. Then we broke for lunch.

After a 90 minute break, we came back and had group instruction and therapy where we discussed the losses and the issues and how to deal with them, and reframe them. We weren't allowed to dwell on our illness-- but we could discuss how to handle the challenges.

Following this, we had an hour of stretching exercises (mostly Yoga moves) that was very VERY low key. From there, we were sent again to whatever specialist we needed to work with.

I've forgotten to say that when we walked in the first day-- we had to surrender our pain meds, and they were dispensed EXACTLY as they were written. and it would be 3 days before we'd be given any more, or anything different. (Being an addict, I had used up all my stuff prior to going in-- thinking I'd be prescribed something that first day. . )

Twice a week, the MD's and therapists got together, and discussed each of our cases-- in one room-- all of them together--so that no bases were missed by Dr. X not telling Dr. Z what was going on.

This is what saved my life.

If you're wondering why I share this-- it's because with Rose's issues, and having just experienced the issues of having a beautiful binge alcoholic in my home, and then her apartment-- I can tell you that SUICIDE IS THE MOST SELFISH THING YOU CAN EVER DO.

Our families may not even realize how much pain, emotional pain we are in. Rose is right-- it's not about finances, it's about losing hope. I look back at the time I was in such deep despair, and at my own selfish act of suicidal thoughts. I thought I was the only one suffering-- and that if I was no longer here-- then my husband could move on and find someone that could love him the way I wanted too. I thought my son would be better off without a mom who was bitchy-- always.

Well, my husband was devasted that I wanted to leave him-- not by divorce, but by death. Talk about selfish. We have never had a tougher argument, and I know that this is not what I entended. I thought my actions would free him.

I've learned that if I had followed thru, that the heartwound would never had healed. Our families would always question themself as to what they could have done differently. They'd always carry the guilt that they didn't see it coming. Even small children, (Tor was 7) would have carried this guilt throughout their life!

Guys, if you are in this ugly, ugly place-- call someone. Send us an email-- via our private address or via the group and say please call me. Get someone you can connect to. A best friend, a minister, a hotline.

Rose, love-- I am so glad you're back!

From my heart,

Tracie

NS Co-owner/moderator

[Guest guest]

Dear Rose, I cried when I read your e-mail. I am fairly new to this support group and you probably don't know my name but I do know your despair. My family has had a suicide in each generation (somethmes more than one) My Uncle was in the first world war (he was but 17) he went on to join the RCMP's and witnessed some ethnic cleansing that left him mentally depressed during the 1920's, then his wife said she was leaving him, taking the 3 kids with her. He shot himself soon after (he was but 29) My Brother was a gifted young man with a wonderful brain but the sarcoidosis took him into depression, at age 24 he shot himself. My youngest son suffered from symptoms of sarcoidosis and depression and he was unable to cope, turning to drugs and alcohol; he ended his life at 32. Oh, how I miss my baby boy! Why mention this? I want to let you know that I could not help any of my family, no one could see how disease took their health and

life treated them harshly but it was the people around them that took their hope. Sometimes I think a kind word from the right person, including the doctor could have stopped their pain short of ending their life. One person can't always be the total light from above....we have to join together to create a light so bright that those alone in the night can see there is HOPE beyond the darkness. I truly am glad you among us and just wanted to say "You Matter" to me. I wish you rainbows, colorful flowers and yes, a medicine that takes the pain away. Sincerely, Clare Rose wrote: This letter is going to be pretty blunt, so if talking about suicide is offensive or uncomfortable for you, you should probably delete now. Otherwise, be warned that this will be a lonnnnng letter, so get some tea & get comfortable. For the past few weeks (months?) I have thought almost daily about how I could kill myself. I tried to think of a way that would be surefire, so that I wouldn't survive & be worse off than I am; not hurt other people, like a car crash might; not leave any suspicion of suicide, because I wouldn't want my kids & grandkids to have to deal with that. The only person I talked to about this was

Tracie. I didn't talk to anyone I know, including my doctor, because if I went through with it, they would be saying, "Oh, I knew she was thinking about it," or whatever. Now, a little about depression, and my thoughts regarding suicide. I believe that in most cases people don't kill themselves because of physical, financial, social, emotional situations, but because of the lack of hope. I've heard & read so many stories of rich & famous people, physically healthy people, killing themselves. So I know that just having enough money, being healthy, etc. does not always satisfy our deepest needs. I've lived with chronic depression for probably 25+ years. I first took medication for it about 13 years ago. I believe that it's caused by a combination of situational factors, genetics & screwed-up brain chemistry. I don't think that any of my family or friends has

any idea how serious this is. I'm an excellent faker (maybe should look into acting? Hmmm, have to be able to memorize lines though.) I also have times when I feel genuinely joyful, and hopeful. But over the last year, the times I've felt hopeless, useless, worthless, have increased. I recognize that I'm much more fortunate than many. I know that many people in this group are much sicker than I am. I see stories of people suffering in Haiti, Africa, etc., and know that my little house would be like a mansion to them, and feel guilty for all that I have, and all that I discard. I know that, thanks to my work history & the amount of money I earned, I am much more secure financially than many people struggling with chronic illness. So, intellectually, I realize that I really have it made. But knowing something in your mind, and really believing it in your heart, and accepting it

in your soul, are very different things. One of my favorite pieces of literature is "Desiderata." I don't know right now where it is in my house, but parts that come to me (probably not exact words) are "don't compare yourself to others, or you will become vain or bitter, for there are always those who are better or worse off than yourself," and also this part, "You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." I even have a recording of it. But again, although I know it's true, and sometimes I sing the second part in my head, those heavy, hopeless feelings persist. Well, there is some light in this story. About 3 weeks ago I went to see my primary care doc, with no intention of sharing any of this. But I was unusually quiet, flat, not joking, and he asked me if I was okay. (God bless him, because most of the time I think they're

just relieved you aren't going to take up time with a bunch of complaints & questions.) I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I was afraid he'd pop me into stress unit right then, but I did tell him I was pretty depressed. I've been on Cymbalta for the last two years, because of its help with neuropathic pain as well as being an antidepressant. He suggested we switch to Lexapro & even had his nurse call the drug rep to ask whether I could use both of them together. The rep advised against it, so we talked about increasing my Lyrica dose if needed, as I've been taking the minimum dose. He gave me some samples of a lower dose of Cymbalta to taper off it, as well as Lexapro samples. He also suggested decreasing the dose of Toprol I take, saying that it can cause or worsen depression. I didn't realize that. I started it several years ago for my hypertension, then the dose was increased to control an unexplained

tachycardia (fast heart rate) that I had developed. My blood pressure is mostly good now. Before taking Pred, I was on 2 antihypertensives, then had to add 2 more because the Pred drove my b/p so high. But in the 2+ years I've been off the Pred, I've been able to stop 2 of the drugs, and now the Toprol is at a low dose. The medication changes have helped and I'm feeling much more hopeful now. I've tried to return to the list several times, but was so overwhelmed by all the unread messages that I gave up. This time I'm going to just start with today, and try to gradually catch up with past news. So please be patient if I don't seem to know what you are talking about, or I'm repeating what someone else has already said. Welcome to all the new folks. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

Want to start your own business? Learn how on Yahoo! Small Business.

[Guest guest]

Hey

Rose, so so very happy to see you back, I’ve missed you a lot, you’re

in my prayers, and remember one day at a time, that’s the only way I can

live these days, then I don’t feel so overwhelmed with life. Love ya,

Marla

Bramer

" Faith

sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible "

From: Neurosarcoidosis [mailto:Neurosarcoidosis ] On Behalf Of Rose

Sent: Tuesday, January 30, 2007

8:37 AM

To: Neurosarcoidosis

Subject:

depression/suicide

This

letter is going to be pretty blunt, so if talking about suicide is offensive or

uncomfortable for you, you should probably delete now. Otherwise, be

warned that this will be a lonnnnng letter, so get some tea & get

comfortable.

For the

past few weeks (months?) I have thought almost daily about how I could kill

myself. I tried to think of a way that would be surefire, so that I

wouldn't survive & be worse off than I am; not hurt other people, like a

car crash might; not leave any suspicion of suicide, because I wouldn't want my

kids & grandkids to have to deal with that. The only person I talked

to about this was Tracie. I didn't talk to anyone I know, including my

doctor, because if I went through with it, they would be saying, " Oh, I

knew she was thinking about it, " or whatever.

Now, a

little about depression, and my thoughts regarding suicide. I believe

that in most cases people don't kill themselves because of physical, financial,

social, emotional situations, but because of the lack of hope. I've heard

& read so many stories of rich & famous people, physically healthy

people, killing themselves. So I know that just having enough money,

being healthy, etc. does not always satisfy our deepest needs.

I've

lived with chronic depression for probably 25+ years. I first took

medication for it about 13 years ago. I believe that it's caused by a

combination of situational factors, genetics & screwed-up brain

chemistry. I don't think that any of my family or friends has any idea

how serious this is. I'm an excellent faker (maybe should look into acting?

Hmmm, have to be able to memorize lines though.) I also have times when I

feel genuinely joyful, and hopeful. But over the last year, the times

I've felt hopeless, useless, worthless, have increased.

I

recognize that I'm much more fortunate than many. I know that many people

in this group are much sicker than I am. I see stories of people

suffering in Haiti, Africa, etc., and know that my little house would be like a

mansion to them, and feel guilty for all that I have, and all that I

discard. I know that, thanks to my work history & the amount of money

I earned, I am much more secure financially than many people struggling with

chronic illness. So, intellectually, I realize that I really have it

made. But knowing something in your mind, and really believing it in your

heart, and accepting it in your soul, are very different things.

One of my

favorite pieces of literature is " Desiderata. " I don't

know right now where it is in my house, but parts that come to

me (probably not exact words) are " don't compare yourself to

others, or you will become vain or bitter, for there are always those

who are better or worse off than yourself, " and also this part,

" You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here. "

I even have a recording of it. But again, although I know it's true, and

sometimes I sing the second part in my head, those heavy, hopeless feelings

persist.

Well,

there is some light in this story. About 3 weeks ago I went to see my

primary care doc, with no intention of sharing any of this. But I was

unusually quiet, flat, not joking, and he asked me if I was okay. (God

bless him, because most of the time I think they're just relieved you aren't

going to take up time with a bunch of complaints & questions.) I

didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I was afraid he'd pop me

into stress unit right then, but I did tell him I was pretty depressed.

I've been on Cymbalta for the last two years, because of its help with

neuropathic pain as well as being an antidepressant. He suggested we switch

to Lexapro & even had his nurse call the drug rep to ask whether I could

use both of them together. The rep advised against it, so we talked about

increasing my Lyrica dose if needed, as I've been taking the minimum

dose. He gave me some samples of a lower dose of Cymbalta to taper off

it, as well as Lexapro samples. He also suggested decreasing the dose of

Toprol I take, saying that it can cause or worsen depression. I didn't

realize that. I started it several years ago for my hypertension, then the

dose was increased to control an unexplained tachycardia (fast heart rate) that

I had developed. My blood pressure is mostly good now. Before

taking Pred, I was on 2 antihypertensives, then had to add 2 more because

the Pred drove my b/p so high. But in the 2+ years I've been off the

Pred, I've been able to stop 2 of the drugs, and now the Toprol is at a low

dose. The medication changes have helped and I'm feeling much more

hopeful now.

I've

tried to return to the list several times, but was so overwhelmed by all

the unread messages that I gave up. This time I'm going to just start

with today, and try to gradually catch up with past news. So please be

patient if I don't seem to know what you are talking about, or I'm

repeating what someone else has already said.

Welcome to all the new folks.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

Search

for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

[Guest guest]

Rose:

You don't know me, I am new to the site, but certianly not to this

damdable disease. I'd be willing to bet that everyone who has fought

this for any length of time has had these thoughts, myself included.

I've been lucky in that I have a wonderful supportive wife and family

who have accepted the limitations of a husband and father who cannot

do many of the things that one expects of their spouce parent

grandparent etc.. I'm not sure if it was worse when I could not work

for three years and came all to close to loseing our home to the bank,

or the mood swings and inability to be close due to the pain etc., or

the lack of mental acuity that has at times left me more like a kid

than an adult who can be counted upon by those who need him, or,or,or,

yes the list could go on for pages of the ways I have let my family

down due to a disease that for years the docs said I didn't even have!

You know your loved when your family can accept all this *%&%& when

the doc is saying there is nothing wrong!!! So, that's been my saving

grace, I hope that you can take a step back and look at the wonders in

your life, because we all have them, sometimes they are just hidden

behind a mask of crap that can seem insurmountable. But know this,

nomatter how bad things seeem, or get, the easy out is anything but

for those you leave behind, and for me at least that has always been

enough.

It sounds like you are getting a bit better, and for that I am

thankful, but do be aware that the risk of suiside rises when a

depressed person starts to feel a little better and doesn't usually

improve for awhile after the depression lifts. So, hang in there and

don't let the sarc monster defeat you just when things are getting

better, there are clearly a lot of people praying for you, and I am

among thejm.

STu

[Guest guest]

Well, Rosie, Posie..... I am glad to see you posting. I was just gonna start asking what anybody has heard from you. I am not glad to hear of all the mental distress you have been going through. I had a bad patch a couple years ago when I had a strong reaction to Advair with despair and depression. I quess part of this 'lesson' is to review your meds with your doc if depression rears it's ugly head more than usual. Last spring my depression was also bad but that was due to PAIN from the cold and wet weather. As soon as it warmed up I started to feel better. People with chronic illness have to be extra vigilent when it comes to handling depression. When the thoughts rise up on the best way to kill yourself......please talk to the doc. Better to be embarrassed than ....... I bet we could even have a discussion on the best way

to end it all, if we felt morbid enough, cuz in the past I got that down to a science...but in the end we have to think of the message it gives to the ones we leave behind. The fact that we've reviewed all the different ways is a SIGN to talk to someone about it and it should include the pharmacist and the doctor to go over side-effects from meds. I am glad you brought this up because i've had those thoughts and believed it was only 'my' problem. Believe it or not, I was getting depressed cuz my kindred sister Rosie hasn't been on-line. If you get so bad that you can't even care what it would do to others...you just want to stop the pain...call your doc immediately. I have been there. Talking, venting helps. Holding it all inside only hurts you more and blows some things out of proportion. Love ya Rosie. and so glad to see you back. hugs alot S. Rose

wrote: This letter is going to be pretty blunt, so if talking about suicide is offensive or uncomfortable for you, you should probably delete now. Otherwise, be warned that this will be a lonnnnng letter, so get some tea & get comfortable. For the past few weeks (months?) I have thought almost daily about how I could kill myself. I tried to think of a way that would be surefire, so that I wouldn't survive & be worse off than I am;

not hurt other people, like a car crash might; not leave any suspicion of suicide, because I wouldn't want my kids & grandkids to have to deal with that. The only person I talked to about this was Tracie. I didn't talk to anyone I know, including my doctor, because if I went through with it, they would be saying, "Oh, I knew she was thinking about it," or whatever. Now, a little about depression, and my thoughts regarding suicide. I believe that in most cases people don't kill themselves because of physical, financial, social, emotional situations, but because of the lack of hope. I've heard & read so many stories of rich & famous people, physically healthy people, killing themselves. So I know that just having enough money, being healthy, etc. does not always satisfy our deepest needs. I've lived with chronic depression for probably 25+ years. I first took

medication for it about 13 years ago. I believe that it's caused by a combination of situational factors, genetics & screwed-up brain chemistry. I don't think that any of my family or friends has any idea how serious this is. I'm an excellent faker (maybe should look into acting? Hmmm, have to be able to memorize lines though.) I also have times when I feel genuinely joyful, and hopeful. But over the last year, the times I've felt hopeless, useless, worthless, have increased. I recognize that I'm much more fortunate than many. I know that many people in this group are much sicker than I am. I see stories of people suffering in Haiti, Africa, etc., and know that my little house would be like a mansion to them, and feel guilty for all that I have, and all that I discard. I know that, thanks to my work history & the amount of money I earned, I am much more secure financially

than many people struggling with chronic illness. So, intellectually, I realize that I really have it made. But knowing something in your mind, and really believing it in your heart, and accepting it in your soul, are very different things. One of my favorite pieces of literature is "Desiderata." I don't know right now where it is in my house, but parts that come to me (probably not exact words) are "don't compare yourself to others, or you will become vain or bitter, for there are always those who are better or worse off than yourself," and also this part, "You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." I even have a recording of it. But again, although I know it's true, and sometimes I sing the second part in my head, those heavy, hopeless feelings persist. Well, there is some light in this story. About 3 weeks ago I went to

see my primary care doc, with no intention of sharing any of this. But I was unusually quiet, flat, not joking, and he asked me if I was okay. (God bless him, because most of the time I think they're just relieved you aren't going to take up time with a bunch of complaints & questions.) I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I was afraid he'd pop me into stress unit right then, but I did tell him I was pretty depressed. I've been on Cymbalta for the last two years, because of its help with neuropathic pain as well as being an antidepressant. He suggested we switch to Lexapro & even had his nurse call the drug rep to ask whether I could use both of them together. The rep advised against it, so we talked about increasing my Lyrica dose if needed, as I've been taking the minimum dose. He gave me some samples of a lower dose of Cymbalta to taper off it, as well as Lexapro samples. He also suggested decreasing

the dose of Toprol I take, saying that it can cause or worsen depression. I didn't realize that. I started it several years ago for my hypertension, then the dose was increased to control an unexplained tachycardia (fast heart rate) that I had developed. My blood pressure is mostly good now. Before taking Pred, I was on 2 antihypertensives, then had to add 2 more because the Pred drove my b/p so high. But in the 2+ years I've been off the Pred, I've been able to stop 2 of the drugs, and now the Toprol is at a low dose. The medication changes have helped and I'm feeling much more hopeful now. I've tried to return to the list several times, but was so overwhelmed by all the unread messages that I gave up. This time I'm going to just start with today, and try to gradually catch up with past news. So please be patient if I don't seem to know what you are talking about, or I'm

repeating what someone else has already said. Welcome to all the new folks. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

No need to miss a message. Get email on-the-go with Yahoo! Mail for Mobile. Get started.

[Guest guest]

Rose, I've actually sat down and counted out pills. I've never tried

to take them, but a part of me has thought about it. I can't take the

pred except in extreme situations as it causes me to have psychotic

episodes and last year after a month of it I got to spend the night

in hold because I admitted to having suicidal thoughts.

I hope that with your med changes things will be better for you. I

will keep you in my prayers.

Kimber

[Guest guest]

Rose you haven't left my thoughts for more than a few minutes since I read your email. I am praying that soon you will be feeling alot better. You are such an important & wonderful person that the thought of losing you is unbearable. I do know what it feels like to get to a point where you wonder whether it's worth it, and you want to just lay down an quit because it is so hard to go on. But I have to stick by what I have always told my kids; as long as your breathing there's a chance for things to get better. Please keep breathing with me; you never know....... Rose, good people are not the majority in this world, and the bad in this world would like to see them all go missing because they give so much to others. We can't let them win out. Rose you are one of the good people, you care and you give; sometimes maybe a little too much, I know from what you write that you have a

tremendous amount on you, but I'm asking as someone who has been blessed by you; for you to hold on tight. We need you. You will be in my thoughts and my prayers, I wish I could do more.....ConnieRose wrote: This letter is going to be pretty blunt, so if talking about suicide is offensive or uncomfortable for you, you should probably delete now. Otherwise, be warned that this will be a lonnnnng letter, so get some tea

& get comfortable. For the past few weeks (months?) I have thought almost daily about how I could kill myself. I tried to think of a way that would be surefire, so that I wouldn't survive & be worse off than I am; not hurt other people, like a car crash might; not leave any suspicion of suicide, because I wouldn't want my kids & grandkids to have to deal with that. The only person I talked to about this was Tracie. I didn't talk to anyone I know, including my doctor, because if I went through with it, they would be saying, "Oh, I knew she was thinking about it," or whatever. Now, a little about depression, and my thoughts regarding suicide. I believe that in most cases people don't kill themselves because of physical, financial, social, emotional situations, but because of the lack of hope. I've heard & read so many stories of rich & famous people, physically

healthy people, killing themselves. So I know that just having enough money, being healthy, etc. does not always satisfy our deepest needs. I've lived with chronic depression for probably 25+ years. I first took medication for it about 13 years ago. I believe that it's caused by a combination of situational factors, genetics & screwed-up brain chemistry. I don't think that any of my family or friends has any idea how serious this is. I'm an excellent faker (maybe should look into acting? Hmmm, have to be able to memorize lines though.) I also have times when I feel genuinely joyful, and hopeful. But over the last year, the times I've felt hopeless, useless, worthless, have increased. I recognize that I'm much more fortunate than many. I know that many people in this group are much sicker than I am. I see stories of people suffering in

Haiti, Africa, etc., and know that my little house would be like a mansion to them, and feel guilty for all that I have, and all that I discard. I know that, thanks to my work history & the amount of money I earned, I am much more secure financially than many people struggling with chronic illness. So, intellectually, I realize that I really have it made. But knowing something in your mind, and really believing it in your heart, and accepting it in your soul, are very different things. One of my favorite pieces of literature is "Desiderata." I don't know right now where it is in my house, but parts that come to me (probably not exact words) are "don't compare yourself to others, or you will become vain or bitter, for there are always those who are better or worse off than yourself," and also this part, "You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." I even have a

recording of it. But again, although I know it's true, and sometimes I sing the second part in my head, those heavy, hopeless feelings persist. Well, there is some light in this story. About 3 weeks ago I went to see my primary care doc, with no intention of sharing any of this. But I was unusually quiet, flat, not joking, and he asked me if I was okay. (God bless him, because most of the time I think they're just relieved you aren't going to take up time with a bunch of complaints & questions.) I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I was afraid he'd pop me into stress unit right then, but I did tell him I was pretty depressed. I've been on Cymbalta for the last two years, because of its help with neuropathic pain as well as being an antidepressant. He suggested we switch to Lexapro & even had his nurse call the drug rep to ask whether I could use both of them together. The

rep advised against it, so we talked about increasing my Lyrica dose if needed, as I've been taking the minimum dose. He gave me some samples of a lower dose of Cymbalta to taper off it, as well as Lexapro samples. He also suggested decreasing the dose of Toprol I take, saying that it can cause or worsen depression. I didn't realize that. I started it several years ago for my hypertension, then the dose was increased to control an unexplained tachycardia (fast heart rate) that I had developed. My blood pressure is mostly good now. Before taking Pred, I was on 2 antihypertensives, then had to add 2 more because the Pred drove my b/p so high. But in the 2+ years I've been off the Pred, I've been able to stop 2 of the drugs, and now the Toprol is at a low dose. The medication changes have helped and I'm feeling much more hopeful now. I've tried to return to the list several times, but

was so overwhelmed by all the unread messages that I gave up. This time I'm going to just start with today, and try to gradually catch up with past news. So please be patient if I don't seem to know what you are talking about, or I'm repeating what someone else has already said. Welcome to all the new folks. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

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[Guest guest]

Rose,

I don't post much anymore and you probably don't even remember me from before but I just have to tell you that you have been an inspiration to me from the first time I logged on. If I was down you always responded to me in such a way as to make me feel better or, you just happened to post the right thing at the right time whether it was meant for me personally or not. At times when I was so far down I was getting my face in the dirt i would log on and read something funny from Rose. I especially remember the time when you were judging and scoring anger as if it were an olympic sport.

You are just too dear to be gone from us. Thank God the doctor had time to talk to you that day. (You know it was because the person after you cancelled his appointment, right?)

I pray that the new meds help and life throws you a homerun ball for today.

Barb J.

you are on my mind and in my prayers

depression/suicide

This letter is going to be pretty blunt, so if talking about suicide is offensive or uncomfortable for you, you should probably delete now. Otherwise, be warned that this will be a lonnnnng letter, so get some tea & get comfortable.

For the past few weeks (months?) I have thought almost daily about how I could kill myself. I tried to think of a way that would be surefire, so that I wouldn't survive & be worse off than I am; not hurt other people, like a car crash might; not leave any suspicion of suicide, because I wouldn't want my kids & grandkids to have to deal with that. The only person I talked to about this was Tracie. I didn't talk to anyone I know, including my doctor, because if I went through with it, they would be saying, "Oh, I knew she was thinking about it," or whatever.

Now, a little about depression, and my thoughts regarding suicide. I believe that in most cases people don't kill themselves because of physical, financial, social, emotional situations, but because of the lack of hope. I've heard & read so many stories of rich & famous people, physically healthy people, killing themselves. So I know that just having enough money, being healthy, etc. does not always satisfy our deepest needs.

I've lived with chronic depression for probably 25+ years. I first took medication for it about 13 years ago. I believe that it's caused by a combination of situational factors, genetics & screwed-up brain chemistry. I don't think that any of my family or friends has any idea how serious this is. I'm an excellent faker (maybe should look into acting? Hmmm, have to be able to memorize lines though.) I also have times when I feel genuinely joyful, and hopeful. But over the last year, the times I've felt hopeless, useless, worthless, have increased.

I recognize that I'm much more fortunate than many. I know that many people in this group are much sicker than I am. I see stories of people suffering in Haiti, Africa, etc., and know that my little house would be like a mansion to them, and feel guilty for all that I have, and all that I discard. I know that, thanks to my work history & the amount of money I earned, I am much more secure financially than many people struggling with chronic illness. So, intellectually, I realize that I really have it made. But knowing something in your mind, and really believing it in your heart, and accepting it in your soul, are very different things.

One of my favorite pieces of literature is "Desiderata. " I don't know right now where it is in my house, but parts that come to me (probably not exact words) are "don't compare yourself to others, or you will become vain or bitter, for there are always those who are better or worse off than yourself," and also this part, "You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." I even have a recording of it. But again, although I know it's true, and sometimes I sing the second part in my head, those heavy, hopeless feelings persist.

Well, there is some light in this story. About 3 weeks ago I went to see my primary care doc, with no intention of sharing any of this. But I was unusually quiet, flat, not joking, and he asked me if I was okay. (God bless him, because most of the time I think they're just relieved you aren't going to take up time with a bunch of complaints & questions.) I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I was afraid he'd pop me into stress unit right then, but I did tell him I was pretty depressed. I've been on Cymbalta for the last two years, because of its help with neuropathic pain as well as being an antidepressant. He suggested we switch to Lexapro & even had his nurse call the drug rep to ask whether I could use both of them together. The rep advised against it, so we talked about increasing my Lyrica dose if needed, as I've been taking the minimum dose. He gave me some samples of a lower dose of

Cymbalta to taper off it, as well as Lexapro samples. He also suggested decreasing the dose of Toprol I take, saying that it can cause or worsen depression. I didn't realize that. I started it several years ago for my hypertension, then the dose was increased to control an unexplained tachycardia (fast heart rate) that I had developed. My blood pressure is mostly good now. Before taking Pred, I was on 2 antihypertensives, then had to add 2 more because the Pred drove my b/p so high. But in the 2+ years I've been off the Pred, I've been able to stop 2 of the drugs, and now the Toprol is at a low dose. The medication changes have helped and I'm feeling much more hopeful now.

I've tried to return to the list several times, but was so overwhelmed by all the unread messages that I gave up. This time I'm going to just start with today, and try to gradually catch up with past news. So please be patient if I don't seem to know what you are talking about, or I'm repeating what someone else has already said.

Welcome to all the new folks.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

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