Re: depression/suicide Naa Koshie to Rose

[Guest guest]

Rose, In my battles with depression over the years, I have realized how important baby steps are. It sometimes takes me the tiniest of baby steps to get out from under the heavy ass cloud that sometimes envelops my life. You unwittingly took a baby step forward when you admitted to your doctor that you were feeling depressed and I pray that the change in meds continues to help in lightening your load. I totally empathize with your not wanting to totally admit how you were feeling to the doctors. I've been there too and have been hesitant to pour it all out in front of the doctors for fear that they would commit me if they knew the magnitude of

what I was going through and thinking. But at the same time sometimes, I'm too clouded and burdened down by the depression to see that sharing my issues with the doctors is a baby step out. Rose, you have been a blessing to my life with your insightful advice. You have had me in stitches with your humor and I really appreciate you. You play an important role to this group whether you are in a place to help or not. Your presence is help enough. Your courage in sharing this email has touched me and I'm sure many others. Just by putting a voice to your feelings has changed many. Thank You So Very Much, Rose Naa

KoshieRose wrote: This letter is going to be pretty blunt, so if talking about suicide is offensive or uncomfortable for you, you should probably delete now. Otherwise, be warned that this will be a lonnnnng letter, so get some tea & get comfortable. For the past few weeks (months?) I have thought almost daily about how I could kill myself. I tried to think of a way that would be surefire, so that I wouldn't

survive & be worse off than I am; not hurt other people, like a car crash might; not leave any suspicion of suicide, because I wouldn't want my kids & grandkids to have to deal with that. The only person I talked to about this was Tracie. I didn't talk to anyone I know, including my doctor, because if I went through with it, they would be saying, "Oh, I knew she was thinking about it," or whatever. Now, a little about depression, and my thoughts regarding suicide. I believe that in most cases people don't kill themselves because of physical, financial, social, emotional situations, but because of the lack of hope. I've heard & read so many stories of rich & famous people, physically healthy people, killing themselves. So I know that just having enough money, being healthy, etc. does not always satisfy our deepest needs. I've lived with chronic depression for

probably 25+ years. I first took medication for it about 13 years ago. I believe that it's caused by a combination of situational factors, genetics & screwed-up brain chemistry. I don't think that any of my family or friends has any idea how serious this is. I'm an excellent faker (maybe should look into acting? Hmmm, have to be able to memorize lines though.) I also have times when I feel genuinely joyful, and hopeful. But over the last year, the times I've felt hopeless, useless, worthless, have increased. I recognize that I'm much more fortunate than many. I know that many people in this group are much sicker than I am. I see stories of people suffering in Haiti, Africa, etc., and know that my little house would be like a mansion to them, and feel guilty for all that I have, and all that I discard. I know that, thanks to my work history & the amount of money I

earned, I am much more secure financially than many people struggling with chronic illness. So, intellectually, I realize that I really have it made. But knowing something in your mind, and really believing it in your heart, and accepting it in your soul, are very different things. One of my favorite pieces of literature is "Desiderata." I don't know right now where it is in my house, but parts that come to me (probably not exact words) are "don't compare yourself to others, or you will become vain or bitter, for there are always those who are better or worse off than yourself," and also this part, "You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here." I even have a recording of it. But again, although I know it's true, and sometimes I sing the second part in my head, those heavy, hopeless feelings persist. Well, there is some light in this

story. About 3 weeks ago I went to see my primary care doc, with no intention of sharing any of this. But I was unusually quiet, flat, not joking, and he asked me if I was okay. (God bless him, because most of the time I think they're just relieved you aren't going to take up time with a bunch of complaints & questions.) I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I was afraid he'd pop me into stress unit right then, but I did tell him I was pretty depressed. I've been on Cymbalta for the last two years, because of its help with neuropathic pain as well as being an antidepressant. He suggested we switch to Lexapro & even had his nurse call the drug rep to ask whether I could use both of them together. The rep advised against it, so we talked about increasing my Lyrica dose if needed, as I've been taking the minimum dose. He gave me some samples of a lower dose of Cymbalta to taper off it, as well as Lexapro

samples. He also suggested decreasing the dose of Toprol I take, saying that it can cause or worsen depression. I didn't realize that. I started it several years ago for my hypertension, then the dose was increased to control an unexplained tachycardia (fast heart rate) that I had developed. My blood pressure is mostly good now. Before taking Pred, I was on 2 antihypertensives, then had to add 2 more because the Pred drove my b/p so high. But in the 2+ years I've been off the Pred, I've been able to stop 2 of the drugs, and now the Toprol is at a low dose. The medication changes have helped and I'm feeling much more hopeful now. I've tried to return to the list several times, but was so overwhelmed by all the unread messages that I gave up. This time I'm going to just start with today, and try to gradually catch up with past news. So please be patient if I don't seem to

know what you are talking about, or I'm repeating what someone else has already said. Welcome to all the new folks. Ramblin' Rose Moderator Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more. "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." ~ Washington Carver

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