Did I read that right?

[Guest guest]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE

1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T

WORK)

In a newspaper for sale:

4 year old German Shepard, housebroken, good watchdog, and eats anything especially fond of children.

Quotes from famous people

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~ "Lillian, you

should have remained a virgin."

Lillian (mother of Jimmy )

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:

"Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I

have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw my

original statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you

get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

***This is my favorite...***

*I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.*

-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she

stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness. But it can bring you a more pleasant

form of misery.

-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way

through Congress.

-- Will

Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid

you.

-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts

to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go

anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

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