Expectations

[Guest guest]

I've been sitting here tonight going over my life, my expectations of myself, and my expectations of others.

So many times it seems that I end up feeling like I'm preaching to friends and family and even members of this group--that we have a responsibility to take as good a care of ourself as we possibly can.

Since exercising for most of us has become a huge burden where our bodies are so exhausted that we've stopped taking that walk, or we truly can't take that walk anymore due to the neuropathy.

We end up eating to fill a void in life, and with years of prednisone, that comfort food is equal to an additional 30 pounds of weight that we can ill afford to carry. That doesn't count the other 50 or 60 pounds that we put on because of the prednisone and immunosuppresants.

We find ourself at home, alone, and our friends don't understand why we won't meet them for lunch. Or they were too blown away the last time they saw you-- and the reality is too much. Our family doesn't want to admit that they can't help us-- so they run off to their corners of safety-- and denial.

For me, it is so very important to maintain some assemblance of what was "normal." I can't change how my friends, or my family reacts-- or even as how the group chooses to react. I have no control over any of that. What I can control is what I put into my mouth. I can control what I say about myself. I can control what I choose to take as far as my medications. I can control whether I pick up a 1 pound bag of rice or spaghetti and use it for armchair weight exercises.

I can tell myself that I will get sick if I take xxxx. I can tell myself that my life will end in xxxx years. I can convince myself that I'm worthless, and not worth having a relationship or friendship with. I can do those things.

I can also choose to get up, get dressed, and sit on the couch in front of the tv all day. I can choose to look at my life as something wonderful, even with the limitations-- or I can curl up and wish myself into an early grave. And who knows--even with positive thinking-- I could end up dead tomorrow.

For now-- I am alive. I am here, and I have choices and responsibilities - both to myself and to my family. If I eat DingDongs-- and then complain that I've gained 30 extra pounds, (on top of the 50) or I can eat a banana. I can use visualization and move my arms in an Australian Crawl swim motion-- and get my blood circulating. I can take that spaghetti and do arm curls, and I can twirl my thumbs in circles, and use that exercise to loosen the arthritis that wants to claim that thumb joint.

I can take a walk to the mailbox, or not. I can sit in my chair and raise each leg as tho I am marching in place-- maybe I can only do one rep a day for the first few days-- and I may have to work up to 5 a day by the end of the first week.

I can choose happiness, or misery. Those are the things I can do something about.

Does in infuriate me when I see someone destroying their health. Like my mom who is insulin dependent diabetic and has her two highballs each night, then pushes her insulin and eats dinner. Or I see her and dad cut a danish roll in half-- and add hot chocolate to their coffee and call it breakfast. You bet it does.

Does it infuriate me when I know that there are things I could choose to do to take some of this weight off, and instead I eat a box of chocolates. You bet it does. Do I still abuse myself. Yes, sometimes I do.

what I share with all of you is things that have made my life easier. What you do with that information is your choice. It is your free will to do what you want.

Do any of us have to put up with someone throwing temper tantrums and stating time and again that life sucks-- and that in the scheme of things, they are just a "floater" in the septic world.

It isn't that we don't care--- and aren't able to understand what is being said-- in fact, we do care. Everyone on this list wants for the others to be as healthy and alive as they can possibly be. How you go about that is your free will.

What I have a hard time tolerating is the self denegration time and again. From where I stand, that is taking the easy way out. Doing nothing is simple-- it doesn't require any changes. It doesn' t require stepping out in faith that something good could happen.

My therapist had been listening to me whine week after week about a situation that for me was huge. I kept right on, shoulder down, head down, plowing into the problem in the way I had always plowed into (and over) everything in my life. I was miserable.

After a couple of years of beating this dead horse-- she finally asked me if my approach was working for me. Well damn. No, it wasn't and if I was going to change anything about the situation-- it was going to have to be me that made the change. I could cry and bitch and moan and be miserable. Or I could change my approach.

Hmmm, we all know how hard change is. We all know how scary change is. We all know how much any change we make is going to make those around us run for cover. After all, we are going to be fearful because we don't know how this is going to work out. And if you are fearful, then you are defensive. If you are defensive, then you will jump everyone else's shit for running for cover.

That's how this disease is. We either make changes by choice, or our bodies will force us to change. It doesn't get any more black and white than that.

So, as the New Year approaches, what changes do you want to see in your life. In your relationships, in your health. If what you are doing now isn't working- then what needs to happen.

For me, I want to see myself following thru with my diet plan, and working closely with those medical providers that can help me do that. I want to see myself get on my treadmill and exercise bike (ok, Tracie- get out the oxygen) and do what my body is going to require for me to be as healthy as I can be. I want to be patient with myself and my limitations. I want to be open-hearted with my family and my friends and the extended family of this group, and see all of us getting stronger, even if it's not a physical strength-- but stronger in loving ourself. I want to see a more peaceful world, where we can reach out to each other-- and see that when help is offered, that it comes from our hearts.

I want these things for myself, and for each and everyone one of you. Happy New Year 2007.

With compassion,

Tracie

NS Co-owner/moderator