Thanks for prayers

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for the kinds words, advice and prayers. The

thing is with this relationship is that this has happened so many

times with us, that I have to be the one to make this the last time

or I will have no respect left for myself. It has always been his

decision to leave, and I have always been there for him when he comes

back around. He has pushed me so far that all of the love I feel

(felt) for him is turning into this dark, hateful, relentless rage -

and I have no control over it. I truly feel like a part of me is

dying and I can't do anything about it. He doesn't understand why it

has to be all or nothing and why we can't be friends. He's trying to

call me and talk to me like we are still best friends and I can't

handle it, and I say really hateful things that I don't necessarily

want him to hear - they just come out.

I know all of this anger is not healthy and that I have to let

all go - but can anyone tell me how to do that? I have talked about

this until I just can't stand to think about it anymore, and then I

feel better, and then the whole cycle starts all over again. I've

been through this many times before and i know how it goes - but I

HAVE to make this the last time I ever go through this with him. The

hardest part is that we both love each other - but I am the strong

one in the relationship and I put up with all of his self destructive

behavior (behavior that includes pushing me away every couple years

or so) How do I really make this be the last time? We live in a

small town and it is hard to completely remove myself from anything

that has to do with him - not to mention that I live in the house we

shared and that is really tough - reminders everywhere. That's not

something he has to deal with - oh yeah - it's been less than two

weeks and he's already seeing someone else - what does that tell

you? Let's add a little salt to the wound why don't we?

I am trying to work and go to school - both fulltime, and adjust

to this surgery, and get a new job. I'm scared I'll screw it all up

if I don't get a handle on this. I have talked to someone, but I

only have so much time in day - and this consumes my every thought.

Your words of support help a lot. I'm so glad you all are here.

This surgery is hard enough to deal with, but all the unforseen

events hit even harder at a time like this. Man, he sure picked the

worst time to do this - I hate him for that - I really do - and of

course I'm struggling with that feeling too - it's not something I

have ever felt for him - never ever thought I would - but here it is

staring me in the face and it is so ugly. Thnaks for listening.

Leigh

MGB 05/12/00

288/241

[Guest guest]

> Thank you everyone for the kinds words, advice and prayers.

Dear Leigh,

I really don't have any great words of wisdom for you but I will keep

you in my prayers. You need to know that you are a person who

deserves to be loved and treated well -- don't settle for anything

less.

Hugs,

in land

[Guest guest]

Leigh,

Listen to me. I know you are feeling really alone right now. But you are

not. We are all here. But most of all, God is there with you. Take the

load off of your shoulders and let God bear it for you. I can't give any

advice on knowing how you feel, in that particular situation, but I can

empathize with you. I have been married for 28 years and I have yet to feel

that my husband really is in love with me. I say that to say this, the two

of you may have had a good relationship at some point and I know you do not

want to see that chapter of you life closed. You had this operation to get

another chance at life, if I am not mistaken. Don't let your husband or

anyone else ruin that for you. You have got to get a hold of yourself. Take

control of your life. I mean just literally take it. My heart is heavy for

you. But I know you can beat this. You must allow yourself some time. Don't

go through all of this (THE SURGERY) and then be defeated be something else.

If you ever need someone to just talk to, call me. My phone number is

. We will all be there for you. May God bless you is my prayer.

(waiting to start a new life)