Are you following me?

[Guest guest]

Hi, everybody. You know how there is always at least one person who

seems to follow you around? How else would they know exactly how you

feel and what was going on in your head? Well, this has happened to

me on several occasions on this list. The person who really hits me

the most seems to be Flo. Are you following me or what? You have

posted at least 3 times now that have really hit me. I thought it

was time to let you know. The latest one was about eating

disorders. I have never been to a in-patient treatment program,

although I seriously considered it at one time. I did attend

Overeaters Anon. for about 8 years though. It is based on the 12

step program of Alcoholics Anon. A person very close to me is a

member of AA. I spent a lot of time beating myself up because I was

not able to recover from my addiction with food being in OA. The

person close to me has been able to recover from his addiction to

alcohol. I was always comparing his program and mine. Always trying

to figure out why he could make it and I couldn't. I do believe that

we both have an addiction, a disease, I drove myself absolutely crazy

trying to recover in OA. I know the 12 step program worked for the

person close to me and for thousands of other people. I felt like I

was being disloyal to a program that had brought so much to my life.

I still struggle with that from time to time. I just know for me,

for whatever reason I did not find recovery in OA. Everything you

said in your post, I agree with and have felt, except the sweets

thing, I have a real hard time believing that. That is one of the

things that scares me about having this surgery. There has never

been anything in my life happen that has changed the way I feel about

food. Especially sweets (chocolate being the all time best!. I

can't fathom not eating my face in. I have ate when I thought I

could not eat another bite, but I always managed to stuff one more of

whatever down my throat. I also was always looking for that one bite

that would make me feel okay with me. It hasn't happened for me

either. For me I believe in my heart of hearts it is emotional,

spiritual, and physical just like the Big Book of AA says it is. At

this time in my life I have come to the conclusion that in order for

me to grow emotionally and spiritually that I have to find a way to

help myself physically. For me that is where the MGB comes in. I

know that my emotions feed my addiction big time, but I also know

that if I can't stop physically that that in turn feeds my emotions.

The results: I'm up to 270 pounds and steadily climbing and have no

self-esteem, I hate the way I look and am getting progressively more

depressed. I truly look at the MGB as my last hope and that scares

the hell out of me too. If I fail at this, there is nothing left. I

also try to end my thoughts on a positive note, I NOW HAVE HOPE!!

Thanks for your post and how well you are able to express how you

felt then and how you feel now. It really does help.

Rhonda from Indiana