Guilt

[Guest guest]

Dear Michele,

I know exactly what you mean about the guilt. I too wanted

to breastfeed. Although my reasons for stopping were different from yours.

I suffered from Post Partum Depression and I just could not handle the

demands of it in the beginning. I was so exhausted! I had a placental

abruption at 36 weeks and had to have an emergency C-Section. We had to

spend 9 days in the hospital because our son was in the NICU. For 9 days I

had round the clock feedings while trying to recover from surgery and I had

to walk down to the nursery every 2-3 hours because he was in the NICU and

they could not bring him to me. I was only getting about 1 hour of sleep at

a time and I especially do not function well without sleep(never mind after

having major surgery and being so worried about my baby). So by the time we

actually got home I was incredible drained physically and emotionally. I

only nursed for about a month before giving it up. I still feel guilty

about that. After I stopped nursing my son starting crying all the time and

ended up with severe reflux and on Zantac. I blame myself and will always

wonder if I had kept nursing him if he maybe would not be ASD. Or maybe if

I had been more aware of vaccines maybe this would not have happened to him.

Or maybe if I hadn't eaten tuna while I was pregnant. The list of what ifs

goes on and on. I blame myself for all his problems because I am his mom

and I feel that I failed to protect him from ASD.

What happened to you and your son was not your fault. It sounds like you

tried everything you could and then some. I can't believe that happened to

you. We are their moms and I guess it is human nature to blame ourselves,

even though it is not our fault. When I am feeling positive I look at

things in the light of: Everything happens for a reason and God gave us Noah

because he new that we would be open minded enough to get him the help he

needed(SCD, etc.) Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Kim

Mom to Noah ASD, SCD since Feb2005, 2 1/2 yrs old

Message: 20

Date: Sat, 15 Apr 2006 09:34:03 -0700 (PDT)

Subject: The emotional rollercoaster

I know what you mean Antionette about the process of acceptance. I just

read one of your posts that said you'd found out about some things that can

cause ASD. And I had to check about everything you had on your list. I did

terbutaline (sp) for 2 months while I was on bedrest for preterm labor. Then

they had to induce because I suffered pre-eclampsia at the end. So right

off the bat, the poor kid had some challenges. Then I had a nightmare with

breastfeeding that still chokes me up. The nurses convinced me that I had to

pump because of my age (37 at the time) so I brought the thing home and

pumped every day. Well a couple weeks into it I noticed the supply was

drying up. Also, Danny would cry ALL THE TIME and I assumed it was because

he wasn't getting enough milk. This put me into a deep postpartum depression

because breastfeeding was sooo important to me. I grieved so much thinking

after all that time (13 years) trying to become a mom that I would be unable

to do this one

thing for my child. Finally I accepted that I would have to feed him

formula and vowed to make it up to him in other ways. Well I finally got

around to returning the pump about 3 weeks later and they told me that the

pump was defective.. the tubing had clogged. That was why I wasn't getting

any milk. The reason he was always crying wasn't because he was hungry.

" Collic, digestion issues, reflux etc " were likely to blame in restrospect.

Well I fanatically tried to re-establish my milk supply. Contacted LaLeche

league, took copious amounts of herbs, etc. To no avail. Of course we then

started the ear infection and sinus infection rounds and I've always blamed

myself. I'm trying to let go of this great feeling of being responsible for

EVERTYTHING, try to forgive myself and just take it one day and time and

focus on doing the next right thing. This is so hard.

(Old)Mom to DS 7 with emerging neurological alphabet soup (aspolaraddocd)

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