Guest guest Posted April 25, 2003 Report Share Posted April 25, 2003 Hi Sondra, Your post was very dear and touching. There were so many things I was thinking as I read it. And I thought 's response was excellent also but I'd go a step further: I'd tell you to get some professional help to sort out some of the feelings you are having. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because it's a lot of turmoil to sort out. Some good 'relationship' counseling about now could be very beneficial and your future relationships might be much richer for the effort. As normal and natural as your feelings may be they are still, very difficult to deal with alone. It's a wonderful but scary place you are in and I wish you great courage and caution moving forward. It would be nice if you could find someone who has had experience with Bariatric surgery patients in your area. I might be able to help with that so if you need it let me know. So many morbidly obese people are traumatized in subtle (and not so subtle) ways by all the years of self loathing spent living in a fat body and a thin obsessed culture. What I wish for you is the luxury of time and good help to wiggle out of the protective coccoon you built for yourself when you were morbidly obese (wisely, I might add) so that you can blossom into the woman you truly are and truly deserve to be. Give yourself those gifts ( time and good help) You might consider taking the post you wrote here with you if you do decide to seek some help. Then forge ahead to a sturdy new you and then ....go get 'em girl! Warm regards, Carol Shrinkin in Philly PS To All Who " Relate " Sondra's post provides great insight into some of the many interesting relationship issues all post-ops experience. I am currently writing an article about this subject and I'd love to have help from any of you who would be willing to share your relationship " triumphs " or " challenges " . Very little has been written about the enormous impact that Bariatric surgery has on relationships. I don't think many of us had a clue how enormous that impact might be. My clinical background and training is in systems theory and family therapy and I am keenly aware of how easily a small change in a person's life can effect the larger system around him/her. WLS is huge! It can rip or ripple through our lives touching absolutely everything and everyone around us. It's like a huge wave of cascading dominoes. Some changes are positive ones. People may become more confident and assertive. Lives may fill with new and better quality. Self esteem may begin to flower where self loathing lived for many years. New relationships may develop, nuturing and supporting in ways never before experienced. New careers may explode with surprising power and success. Athletes are born who never ran a race, rowed a boat or pressed a pound. Some changes are negative. Guilt may be triggered, as well as self doubt, and depression. In families or couples there may be new friction. When one person seems to be taking more from life another may begin to feel deprived. As one person feels more entitled and increases their demand for attention another may feel less important or even ignored. Partners may have to negotiate entirely new ways of being together both physically and emotionally. People who move too quickly in new directions may leave loved ones behind, confused and angry. New relationships are forged with support groups and other post-ops. Sometimes these are nurturing and become life long support people. Sometimes patient relationships become obsessive and destructive. Families may suffer and resent the loss of a parent or partner who seems distant and filled with new priorities. Some patients have difficulty moving beyond their 'patient' status and the attention it provides. Crafting a balanced response to such a life changing experience and moving gracefully back into a full and varied life is a challenge for most Bariatric surgery patients. If you have had an unusual or unexpected experience in any of your important relationships - something you believe was heavily influenced by your surgery or its aftermath... I'd very much like to hear from you. I can protect your identity if you wish but I need your full permission to quote your words/story in my article. If you are interested in sharing your experience or relationship story with others in this way please summarize it briefly and send it to me at CarolASig@... If you do write put " Relationship Article " on the subject line so I don't miss your post. Please also include your name: phone number: email address: date of surgery: type of surgery: surgeon: Carol Signore, MAT, MS, LMFT Private Practice: Ambler, PA Clinical Memberships: American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy Academy For Eating Disorders Chairman AED Weight Loss Surgery SIG Director: My Self Design A cognitive behavorial treatment program for Bariatric surgery patients see www.myselfdesign.com >>Sondra's post: > Dear Group, > Not sure if there are many of you that will identify w/ this for two reasons, > 1) it seems like most people are married, and 2) I think I may simply be > losing my mind. I am now 18mths post op and down 120lbs, from a 24/26 to a > 12 and feeling pretty good about life and things. I am 32 and have never > been married. Now that I am " normal sized " I am getting more attention from > men, which is a great thing, but I am having trouble always wondering " Would > this guy be paying me any attention if he knew me before? " as well as still > feeling like a MO person who should be THRILLED that someone/anyone would > notice her, and therefore being nice to people who I'm not really attracted > to for reasons having NOTHING to do w/ their appearance simply because they > are attracted to me???!!! I guess I thought that once I was 'normal' all > these issues of 'attractiveness' would go away and prince charming was going > to rush in on his white horse and life would be 'perfect'. Since of course > it was my 'fat and ugly' appearance that was the reason I wasn't married.... > not ever crossing my mind that it was because I am a bit sarcastic I > guess I'm just very frustrated w/ all the changes, not that they aren't good > just that it seems to be having a domino effect on everything. Feeling like > I don't know how to act, how to reject people 'nicely', or how to allow > myself to trust that someone could like me. Perhaps I am just going a bit > crazy or something. Is there anyone else w/ these same issues? > > I know the " right " answer is that God will bring your mate into your life > when you're ready, when you've stopped looking for him/her, when youleast > expect it, etc etc. And I know that one must accept themselves and be HAPPY > w/ who they are before you can be connected w/ someone else. I just feel > like screaming " I'm really a MO person, get to KNOW me!!! " > > Not to even begin to mention trying to 'explain' old 'saggy and baggy' that > used to be my chest Lots of drama it seems on every side. > > Thanks for letting me vent, it seems no one else can understand why I feel > like Sondra the body snatcher!!! > >>'s answer >>Hi Sondra, Join the club. Even old married people have similar feelings as yours. Even men have similar feelings as yours. I think that it is a hard complicated problem to work out for yourself. Here are the principles that I believe are true from some thinking about it. Appearances are important. The fact that people are more attracted to the " new you " than to the " old you " is a reality. It is a reasonable response for them to have. You had the surgery to be healthier and happier and more active and people are going to be attracted to those things. All that this is saying is that you have made a good decision. It's nice to have people attracted to you and you should like it. It proves you are human and you have a very normal response to a good thing. You should give yourself time to learn to live in this new milieu. Once you get into it, you will feel like a kid in a candy store (don't eat too much and get sick). Don't try to hide the fact of your surgery. That is part of you too. Beside the physical issues, it says a lot about how you make decisions about your life and people that get close to you should be able to understand and admire you for doing a smart, hard, risky thing. I am still trying to decide how I want to deal with the loose skin issue for myself. How do other people's " significant others " deal with the loose skin issue? I for one, am bothered by even my minimal amount: even though the skin is not very evident when I am standing, sitting, lying down on my back, or swimming (all is vanity...). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 25, 2003 Report Share Posted April 25, 2003 Hi Sondra, Your post was very dear and touching. There were so many things I was thinking as I read it. And I thought 's response was excellent also but I'd go a step further: I'd tell you to get some professional help to sort out some of the feelings you are having. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because it's a lot of turmoil to sort out. Some good 'relationship' counseling about now could be very beneficial and your future relationships might be much richer for the effort. As normal and natural as your feelings may be they are still, very difficult to deal with alone. It's a wonderful but scary place you are in and I wish you great courage and caution moving forward. It would be nice if you could find someone who has had experience with Bariatric surgery patients in your area. I might be able to help with that so if you need it let me know. So many morbidly obese people are traumatized in subtle (and not so subtle) ways by all the years of self loathing spent living in a fat body and a thin obsessed culture. What I wish for you is the luxury of time and good help to wiggle out of the protective coccoon you built for yourself when you were morbidly obese (wisely, I might add) so that you can blossom into the woman you truly are and truly deserve to be. Give yourself those gifts ( time and good help) You might consider taking the post you wrote here with you if you do decide to seek some help. Then forge ahead to a sturdy new you and then ....go get 'em girl! Warm regards, Carol Shrinkin in Philly PS To All Who " Relate " Sondra's post provides great insight into some of the many interesting relationship issues all post-ops experience. I am currently writing an article about this subject and I'd love to have help from any of you who would be willing to share your relationship " triumphs " or " challenges " . Very little has been written about the enormous impact that Bariatric surgery has on relationships. I don't think many of us had a clue how enormous that impact might be. My clinical background and training is in systems theory and family therapy and I am keenly aware of how easily a small change in a person's life can effect the larger system around him/her. WLS is huge! It can rip or ripple through our lives touching absolutely everything and everyone around us. It's like a huge wave of cascading dominoes. Some changes are positive ones. People may become more confident and assertive. Lives may fill with new and better quality. Self esteem may begin to flower where self loathing lived for many years. New relationships may develop, nuturing and supporting in ways never before experienced. New careers may explode with surprising power and success. Athletes are born who never ran a race, rowed a boat or pressed a pound. Some changes are negative. Guilt may be triggered, as well as self doubt, and depression. In families or couples there may be new friction. When one person seems to be taking more from life another may begin to feel deprived. As one person feels more entitled and increases their demand for attention another may feel less important or even ignored. Partners may have to negotiate entirely new ways of being together both physically and emotionally. People who move too quickly in new directions may leave loved ones behind, confused and angry. New relationships are forged with support groups and other post-ops. Sometimes these are nurturing and become life long support people. Sometimes patient relationships become obsessive and destructive. Families may suffer and resent the loss of a parent or partner who seems distant and filled with new priorities. Some patients have difficulty moving beyond their 'patient' status and the attention it provides. Crafting a balanced response to such a life changing experience and moving gracefully back into a full and varied life is a challenge for most Bariatric surgery patients. If you have had an unusual or unexpected experience in any of your important relationships - something you believe was heavily influenced by your surgery or its aftermath... I'd very much like to hear from you. I can protect your identity if you wish but I need your full permission to quote your words/story in my article. If you are interested in sharing your experience or relationship story with others in this way please summarize it briefly and send it to me at CarolASig@... If you do write put " Relationship Article " on the subject line so I don't miss your post. Please also include your name: phone number: email address: date of surgery: type of surgery: surgeon: Carol Signore, MAT, MS, LMFT Private Practice: Ambler, PA Clinical Memberships: American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy Academy For Eating Disorders Chairman AED Weight Loss Surgery SIG Director: My Self Design A cognitive behavorial treatment program for Bariatric surgery patients see www.myselfdesign.com >>Sondra's post: > Dear Group, > Not sure if there are many of you that will identify w/ this for two reasons, > 1) it seems like most people are married, and 2) I think I may simply be > losing my mind. I am now 18mths post op and down 120lbs, from a 24/26 to a > 12 and feeling pretty good about life and things. I am 32 and have never > been married. Now that I am " normal sized " I am getting more attention from > men, which is a great thing, but I am having trouble always wondering " Would > this guy be paying me any attention if he knew me before? " as well as still > feeling like a MO person who should be THRILLED that someone/anyone would > notice her, and therefore being nice to people who I'm not really attracted > to for reasons having NOTHING to do w/ their appearance simply because they > are attracted to me???!!! I guess I thought that once I was 'normal' all > these issues of 'attractiveness' would go away and prince charming was going > to rush in on his white horse and life would be 'perfect'. Since of course > it was my 'fat and ugly' appearance that was the reason I wasn't married.... > not ever crossing my mind that it was because I am a bit sarcastic I > guess I'm just very frustrated w/ all the changes, not that they aren't good > just that it seems to be having a domino effect on everything. Feeling like > I don't know how to act, how to reject people 'nicely', or how to allow > myself to trust that someone could like me. Perhaps I am just going a bit > crazy or something. Is there anyone else w/ these same issues? > > I know the " right " answer is that God will bring your mate into your life > when you're ready, when you've stopped looking for him/her, when youleast > expect it, etc etc. And I know that one must accept themselves and be HAPPY > w/ who they are before you can be connected w/ someone else. I just feel > like screaming " I'm really a MO person, get to KNOW me!!! " > > Not to even begin to mention trying to 'explain' old 'saggy and baggy' that > used to be my chest Lots of drama it seems on every side. > > Thanks for letting me vent, it seems no one else can understand why I feel > like Sondra the body snatcher!!! > >>'s answer >>Hi Sondra, Join the club. Even old married people have similar feelings as yours. Even men have similar feelings as yours. I think that it is a hard complicated problem to work out for yourself. Here are the principles that I believe are true from some thinking about it. Appearances are important. The fact that people are more attracted to the " new you " than to the " old you " is a reality. It is a reasonable response for them to have. You had the surgery to be healthier and happier and more active and people are going to be attracted to those things. All that this is saying is that you have made a good decision. It's nice to have people attracted to you and you should like it. It proves you are human and you have a very normal response to a good thing. You should give yourself time to learn to live in this new milieu. Once you get into it, you will feel like a kid in a candy store (don't eat too much and get sick). Don't try to hide the fact of your surgery. That is part of you too. Beside the physical issues, it says a lot about how you make decisions about your life and people that get close to you should be able to understand and admire you for doing a smart, hard, risky thing. I am still trying to decide how I want to deal with the loose skin issue for myself. How do other people's " significant others " deal with the loose skin issue? I for one, am bothered by even my minimal amount: even though the skin is not very evident when I am standing, sitting, lying down on my back, or swimming (all is vanity...). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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