Re: Food is not my friend...it's just food.

February 15, 2003

Ya know, this has been a topic of conversation on and off for

several years with my therapists. My biggest problem is that at some

point the food actually did work to relieve to pain of what ever I was

feeling. I knew for a good 5 to 10 years that the food truly was not

working. It became very evident the last year. It took me nearly dieing

before I was able to get the surgery done. I had to help with my

stinking thinking. Thanks for the input.

Lori Owen - Denton, Texas

CHF 4/14/01 479 lbs.

SRVG 7/16/01 401 lbs.

Current Weight 339.5 lbs. and loosing again

Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce

On Sat, 15 Feb 2003 11:43:23 -0500 Irving

writes:

> Lori, my therapist and I were talking about this very thing last

> week.

> Let's see if I can summarize. I was saying that in our family, food

> was

> not really about " comfort " , since a) my mother was a terrible cook

> for

> the most part, and my parents were very rigid about food, only

> shopping on a certain day of the week, and insisting that what they

>

> bought during that one trip should last a family of 5 until the next

>

> shop. They bought the cheapest foods available, and never bought

> enough

> fruits and veggies, etc. Thus, I remember searching through the

> kitchen

> in the couple of days before shopping day, eating things like

> ketchup

> sandwiches on white bread.

>

> My therapist pointed out that while food wasn't really " comfort " for

> me

> in the " here, dear, have some nice cake and feel better, " it felt

> like

> a survival issue. I.e., eat hearty while there's any food around,

> because you never know when your competitors (i.e., the rest of my

> family) will beat you to it, and you'll be left to starve.

> (Incidentally, of the three kids, my brother is the only one who has

>

> never been overweight -- and he was the one who'd steal away with

> the

> few " treat " foods my parents would buy, under the guise of " keeping

> us

> from hogging them " . Of course, my sister and I would find the

> empties

> once he'd " protected " us from them. Gee, thanks!)

>

> So in adulthood, food was one of the few ways I had of dealing with

> my

> rnal " hunger " -- only it didn't work. It never really made me feel

> better, just fuller and sicker. I always had the idea that it

> *would*

> help, but because it was, in fact, JUST FOOD, it could never fill up

>

> the emotional emptiness, could never provide the emotional comfort

> that

> I hoped it would. For that, I needed to look to the humans in my

> life,

> but because I had been taught early on that you can't depend on

> humans

> to give comfort, I never really thought of that as a viable

> alternative. Just never occurred to me to ask for a hug instead of

> skulking off to find the nearest bag of marshmallows or whatever.

>

> The problem with using food as a companion, comforter, friend, etc.,

> is

> this: *it just doesn't work*. Doesn't matter how much of it I could

>

> suck in, it just never did the job. And because I wasn't fully aware

>

> that I expected it to help in that way, I kept eating more. You

> know,

> the old idea that if what you're doing doesn't work, do it more or

> do

> it better, and then it will? Problem is that if your basic premise

> is

> flawed, no matter how much or how good the food is, it's just not

> going

> to do what you expect it to. It's a bit like being in a relationship

>

> with a sociopath or an alcoholic (and I've tried both) -- you can

> try

> all you like, but you are not going to be able to *make* that person

>

> into a good partner. They, for whatever reason, just cannot do it.

> They

> can never really be there for you, never really give of themselves

> in

> the way that makes a truly good relationship.

>

> Neither can food.

>

> Lately, as I worry about the possibility of allowing myself to slide

>

> back into that tortured relationship with food again, I've been

> thinking about some of my oldest assumptions. What if (gasp!) I just

>

> ask for a hug when I need comfort? Of course, the first step is

> identifying the need for comfort, which usually seems to manifest,

> in

> me, as a wish to eat something sweet. But when I'm able to do it,

> and

> it works, it feels like such a triumph. And when that happens, I'm

> able

> to allow myself to hope that, having found my " new body " underneath

> all

> those layers of fat, I might, perchance, be able to hang onto it,

> and

> not let it, or myself, get buried again. (And if you managed to wend

>

> your way through that rather convoluted syntax, you should win a

> prize

> of some sort!)

>

> I.

February 15, 2003

Ya know, this has been a topic of conversation on and off for

several years with my therapists. My biggest problem is that at some

point the food actually did work to relieve to pain of what ever I was

feeling. I knew for a good 5 to 10 years that the food truly was not

working. It became very evident the last year. It took me nearly dieing

before I was able to get the surgery done. I had to help with my

stinking thinking. Thanks for the input.

Lori Owen - Denton, Texas

CHF 4/14/01 479 lbs.

SRVG 7/16/01 401 lbs.

Current Weight 339.5 lbs. and loosing again

Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce

On Sat, 15 Feb 2003 11:43:23 -0500 Irving

writes:

> Lori, my therapist and I were talking about this very thing last

> week.

> Let's see if I can summarize. I was saying that in our family, food

> was

> not really about " comfort " , since a) my mother was a terrible cook

> for

> the most part, and my parents were very rigid about food, only

> shopping on a certain day of the week, and insisting that what they

>

> bought during that one trip should last a family of 5 until the next

>

> shop. They bought the cheapest foods available, and never bought

> enough

> fruits and veggies, etc. Thus, I remember searching through the

> kitchen

> in the couple of days before shopping day, eating things like

> ketchup

> sandwiches on white bread.

>

> My therapist pointed out that while food wasn't really " comfort " for

> me

> in the " here, dear, have some nice cake and feel better, " it felt

> like

> a survival issue. I.e., eat hearty while there's any food around,

> because you never know when your competitors (i.e., the rest of my

> family) will beat you to it, and you'll be left to starve.

> (Incidentally, of the three kids, my brother is the only one who has

>

> never been overweight -- and he was the one who'd steal away with

> the

> few " treat " foods my parents would buy, under the guise of " keeping

> us

> from hogging them " . Of course, my sister and I would find the

> empties

> once he'd " protected " us from them. Gee, thanks!)

>

> So in adulthood, food was one of the few ways I had of dealing with

> my

> rnal " hunger " -- only it didn't work. It never really made me feel

> better, just fuller and sicker. I always had the idea that it

> *would*

> help, but because it was, in fact, JUST FOOD, it could never fill up

>

> the emotional emptiness, could never provide the emotional comfort

> that

> I hoped it would. For that, I needed to look to the humans in my

> life,

> but because I had been taught early on that you can't depend on

> humans

> to give comfort, I never really thought of that as a viable

> alternative. Just never occurred to me to ask for a hug instead of

> skulking off to find the nearest bag of marshmallows or whatever.

>

> The problem with using food as a companion, comforter, friend, etc.,

> is

> this: *it just doesn't work*. Doesn't matter how much of it I could

>

> suck in, it just never did the job. And because I wasn't fully aware

>

> that I expected it to help in that way, I kept eating more. You

> know,

> the old idea that if what you're doing doesn't work, do it more or

> do

> it better, and then it will? Problem is that if your basic premise

> is

> flawed, no matter how much or how good the food is, it's just not

> going

> to do what you expect it to. It's a bit like being in a relationship

>

> with a sociopath or an alcoholic (and I've tried both) -- you can

> try

> all you like, but you are not going to be able to *make* that person

>

> into a good partner. They, for whatever reason, just cannot do it.

> They

> can never really be there for you, never really give of themselves

> in

> the way that makes a truly good relationship.

>

> Neither can food.

>

> Lately, as I worry about the possibility of allowing myself to slide

>

> back into that tortured relationship with food again, I've been

> thinking about some of my oldest assumptions. What if (gasp!) I just

>

> ask for a hug when I need comfort? Of course, the first step is

> identifying the need for comfort, which usually seems to manifest,

> in

> me, as a wish to eat something sweet. But when I'm able to do it,

> and

> it works, it feels like such a triumph. And when that happens, I'm

> able

> to allow myself to hope that, having found my " new body " underneath

> all

> those layers of fat, I might, perchance, be able to hang onto it,

> and

> not let it, or myself, get buried again. (And if you managed to wend

>

> your way through that rather convoluted syntax, you should win a

> prize

> of some sort!)

>

> I.

February 15, 2003

In a message dated 2/15/2003 11:43:01 AM Central Standard Time,

loriowen@... writes:

> What if (gasp!) I just ask for a hug when I need comfort?

---------------------------------

This of course assumes that

a) there is someone there to ask for the hug, and

the someone is willing to give it when asked

In my case, it's been rare when both conditions are present at the same time

Carol A

February 15, 2003

In a message dated 2/15/2003 11:43:01 AM Central Standard Time,

loriowen@... writes:

> What if (gasp!) I just ask for a hug when I need comfort?

---------------------------------

This of course assumes that

a) there is someone there to ask for the hug, and

the someone is willing to give it when asked

In my case, it's been rare when both conditions are present at the same time

Carol A

February 15, 2003

In a message dated 2/16/2003 7:09:39 AM Eastern Standard Time,

clis1@... writes:

> {{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}

>

My goodness, those Italian hugs look just like the Jewish hugs I am sending

you. I wish I could send you my grandbabies' hugs, boy do they help.

Fay

February 15, 2003

In a message dated 2/16/2003 7:09:39 AM Eastern Standard Time,

clis1@... writes:

> {{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}

>

My goodness, those Italian hugs look just like the Jewish hugs I am sending

you. I wish I could send you my grandbabies' hugs, boy do they help.

Fay

February 16, 2003

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hope those big " Italian " hugs hold you over for a bit. They come

with much love and appreciation for your desire to share all you

have learned with this list.

(Now...ain't that better then food?

Carol G.

> In a message dated 2/15/2003 11:43:01 AM Central Standard Time,

> loriowen@j... writes:

>

> > What if (gasp!) I just ask for a hug when I need comfort?

> ---------------------------------

>

> This of course assumes that

> a) there is someone there to ask for the hug, and

> the someone is willing to give it when asked

> In my case, it's been rare when both conditions are present at the

same time

>

> Carol A

>

February 16, 2003

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carol A}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hope those big " Italian " hugs hold you over for a bit. They come

with much love and appreciation for your desire to share all you

have learned with this list.

(Now...ain't that better then food?

Carol G.

> In a message dated 2/15/2003 11:43:01 AM Central Standard Time,

> loriowen@j... writes:

>

> > What if (gasp!) I just ask for a hug when I need comfort?

> ---------------------------------

>

> This of course assumes that

> a) there is someone there to ask for the hug, and

> the someone is willing to give it when asked

> In my case, it's been rare when both conditions are present at the

same time

>

> Carol A

>

February 16, 2003

> loriowen@... writes:

> > What if (gasp!) I just ask for a hug when I need comfort?

> ---------------------------------

Carol A added:

> This of course assumes that

> a) there is someone there to ask for the hug, and

> the someone is willing to give it when asked

> In my case, it's been rare when both conditions are present at

> the same time

----------------------------

~denise suggests...

This is a good time to learn 2 very important things:

a.) I am a very valuable person

b.) I can hug myself and there is great value in hugging myself -- if I

reach my arms out and wrap them around me I can comfort myself in my time of

need...

It is truly nice to have a second person who loves us to hug us when we

need a hug but as Carol pointed out... that second loved person is not

always available so it is good to learn that we can love, hug and comfort

ourselves in our time of need.

Imagine if we'd have been taught that in our childhood instead of given a

cookie for comfort...

Have we ever watched a child who falls down on the playground -- one who

will instinctually wrap their arms around themselves, sometimes in a fetal

position and cry and " hug themselves " until the hurt is over or a loving

adult comes to the rescue ~smile~ We can learn many things from watching the

innocence's and instincts of children.

hugz,

~denise

February 16, 2003

> loriowen@... writes:

> > What if (gasp!) I just ask for a hug when I need comfort?

> ---------------------------------

Carol A added:

> This of course assumes that

> a) there is someone there to ask for the hug, and

> the someone is willing to give it when asked

> In my case, it's been rare when both conditions are present at

> the same time

----------------------------

~denise suggests...

This is a good time to learn 2 very important things:

a.) I am a very valuable person

b.) I can hug myself and there is great value in hugging myself -- if I

reach my arms out and wrap them around me I can comfort myself in my time of

need...

It is truly nice to have a second person who loves us to hug us when we

need a hug but as Carol pointed out... that second loved person is not

always available so it is good to learn that we can love, hug and comfort

ourselves in our time of need.

Imagine if we'd have been taught that in our childhood instead of given a

cookie for comfort...

Have we ever watched a child who falls down on the playground -- one who

will instinctually wrap their arms around themselves, sometimes in a fetal

position and cry and " hug themselves " until the hurt is over or a loving

adult comes to the rescue ~smile~ We can learn many things from watching the

innocence's and instincts of children.

hugz,

~denise

February 16, 2003

> > What if (gasp!) I just ask for a hug when I need comfort?

> ---------------------------------

>

> This of course assumes that

> a) there is someone there to ask for the hug, and

> the someone is willing to give it when asked

> In my case, it's been rare when both conditions are present at the

> same time

Point definitely taken, Carol. And I have been in the situation where

I've had neither a) nor available to me, so I should have thought to

mention this possibility at the time. Mea culpa.

But still, I think my basic premise stands -- that food is an inanimate

substance, not really capable of giving us what we need emotionally. In

my own life, reaching out to others has always been waaaaaay down on my

list, and whenever I do it, I'm surprised at how well it works. My old

therapist once said, " Wow, you were really good at self-soothing at an

early age, " and that struck home to me. It just happened that one of

the tools I tried to use for " self-soothing " was food. Unfortunately,

that was a bit of a bust, and had some unwanted side effects. Not

recommended. I've used other strategies in my life, though --

journalling, talking to myself, being kind to myself in other ways --

that have given me much better results, with far fewer health and

well-being difficulties. I guess my point was that there's just gotta

be another way.

Take care,

I.

-

- <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 22

-152 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

February 16, 2003