The good, the bad and the ugly

[Guest guest]

<<Surprisingly (to me) he was one of

the hardest people to swing over to my side. He really resisted my

efforts to get healthy and resented the changes I made.>>

Vicki, this is just a shot in the dark, and observation from past

experience...do you think he was resistant because of control issues, or his

own personal self-esteem issues on his part? It's easy for people who have

low self-esteem to associate themselves with people they consider inferior

or with lower self-esteem in order to feel in control or superior.

That was my experience with my ex-husband. It wasn't that I was fat when he

met me. I was 4 years post ops when that happened, but I still had self

esteem issues. It was hard for me to believe that I " deserved " someone like

him. But over time, I think he began to resent my independent,

self-sufficient nature. He became abusive, verbally and physically. Then he

left me...for a woman who weighed (from what I've been told) at least twice

what I did. I really think he did it because he felt so little of him self,

and that situation made him feel superior and in control.

It's very likely that the MIL issue is the same. As long as you were fat,

she felt superior, and now you threaten her control, and reverse the image

she has of herself as being a superior person.

IMHO

Jac

mailto:jholdaway@...

before and after pictures at:

http://hometown.aol.com/jrandjrholdaway

http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints

[Guest guest]

<<Surprisingly (to me) he was one of

the hardest people to swing over to my side. He really resisted my

efforts to get healthy and resented the changes I made.>>

Vicki, this is just a shot in the dark, and observation from past

experience...do you think he was resistant because of control issues, or his

own personal self-esteem issues on his part? It's easy for people who have

low self-esteem to associate themselves with people they consider inferior

or with lower self-esteem in order to feel in control or superior.

That was my experience with my ex-husband. It wasn't that I was fat when he

met me. I was 4 years post ops when that happened, but I still had self

esteem issues. It was hard for me to believe that I " deserved " someone like

him. But over time, I think he began to resent my independent,

self-sufficient nature. He became abusive, verbally and physically. Then he

left me...for a woman who weighed (from what I've been told) at least twice

what I did. I really think he did it because he felt so little of him self,

and that situation made him feel superior and in control.

It's very likely that the MIL issue is the same. As long as you were fat,

she felt superior, and now you threaten her control, and reverse the image

she has of herself as being a superior person.

IMHO

Jac

mailto:jholdaway@...

before and after pictures at:

http://hometown.aol.com/jrandjrholdaway

http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints

[Guest guest]

Jac,

I think a lot of it was because of his upbringing in Singapore where

everything is so restricted and censored. I know when he met me he

felt as if he was breaking away from that suffocating existence, and

that he felt a sense of freedom in our lifestyle together, especially

when we lived overseas. It was fun all of the time, non-stop party

and the best of the best of everything.

When I changed my lifestyle, I stopped going out to bars with him

late at night, stopped drinking, went to bed at 9 pm and got up at

5am, started preparing food differently, made new friends and spent a

lot of time at the gym and at support groups. I still do.

He felt the party was over. He kept going out 3-4 times a week, but

alone. We almost never saw each other. My interests changed, or I

should say, developed and I wasn't happy listening to him drone on

about himself without giving me a chance to share. He felt like his

life was yanked away from him and he had no control over what was

happening to his life. He felt restricted and chafed at what he

perceived to be the bit.

I was going to walk. But something happened, I don't know exactly

what, and he turned the corner. He doesn't go out all the time now

and is starting to get to know me again. We do some active things

together and he is discovering it's actually fun. He's coming to

realize we can party and have fun just as much as before, just in a

different way.

It's a process. But you just can't imagine what a tremendous burden

has been lifted from me now that I don't have to fight him every

minute of every day just to stand my ground. Sure, we do this for

ourselves and can't depend on the approval of others. Still, it

feels liberating to have his support and recognition.

It's all good.

Vicki A.

> <<Surprisingly (to me) he was one of

> the hardest people to swing over to my side. He really resisted my

> efforts to get healthy and resented the changes I made.>>

> Vicki, this is just a shot in the dark, and observation from past

> experience...do you think he was resistant because of control

issues, or his

> own personal self-esteem issues on his part? It's easy for people

who have

> low self-esteem to associate themselves with people they consider

inferior

> or with lower self-esteem in order to feel in control or superior.

> That was my experience with my ex-husband. It wasn't that I was fat

when he

> met me. I was 4 years post ops when that happened, but I still had

self

> esteem issues. It was hard for me to believe that I " deserved "

someone like

> him. But over time, I think he began to resent my independent,

> self-sufficient nature. He became abusive, verbally and physically.

Then he

> left me...for a woman who weighed (from what I've been told) at

least twice

> what I did. I really think he did it because he felt so little of

him self,

> and that situation made him feel superior and in control.

> It's very likely that the MIL issue is the same. As long as you

were fat,

> she felt superior, and now you threaten her control, and reverse

the image

> she has of herself as being a superior person.

> IMHO

>

> Jac

> mailto:jholdaway@c...

> before and after pictures at:

> http://hometown.aol.com/jrandjrholdaway

> http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

> http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints

[Guest guest]

Jac,

I think a lot of it was because of his upbringing in Singapore where

everything is so restricted and censored. I know when he met me he

felt as if he was breaking away from that suffocating existence, and

that he felt a sense of freedom in our lifestyle together, especially

when we lived overseas. It was fun all of the time, non-stop party

and the best of the best of everything.

When I changed my lifestyle, I stopped going out to bars with him

late at night, stopped drinking, went to bed at 9 pm and got up at

5am, started preparing food differently, made new friends and spent a

lot of time at the gym and at support groups. I still do.

He felt the party was over. He kept going out 3-4 times a week, but

alone. We almost never saw each other. My interests changed, or I

should say, developed and I wasn't happy listening to him drone on

about himself without giving me a chance to share. He felt like his

life was yanked away from him and he had no control over what was

happening to his life. He felt restricted and chafed at what he

perceived to be the bit.

I was going to walk. But something happened, I don't know exactly

what, and he turned the corner. He doesn't go out all the time now

and is starting to get to know me again. We do some active things

together and he is discovering it's actually fun. He's coming to

realize we can party and have fun just as much as before, just in a

different way.

It's a process. But you just can't imagine what a tremendous burden

has been lifted from me now that I don't have to fight him every

minute of every day just to stand my ground. Sure, we do this for

ourselves and can't depend on the approval of others. Still, it

feels liberating to have his support and recognition.

It's all good.

Vicki A.

> <<Surprisingly (to me) he was one of

> the hardest people to swing over to my side. He really resisted my

> efforts to get healthy and resented the changes I made.>>

> Vicki, this is just a shot in the dark, and observation from past

> experience...do you think he was resistant because of control

issues, or his

> own personal self-esteem issues on his part? It's easy for people

who have

> low self-esteem to associate themselves with people they consider

inferior

> or with lower self-esteem in order to feel in control or superior.

> That was my experience with my ex-husband. It wasn't that I was fat

when he

> met me. I was 4 years post ops when that happened, but I still had

self

> esteem issues. It was hard for me to believe that I " deserved "

someone like

> him. But over time, I think he began to resent my independent,

> self-sufficient nature. He became abusive, verbally and physically.

Then he

> left me...for a woman who weighed (from what I've been told) at

least twice

> what I did. I really think he did it because he felt so little of

him self,

> and that situation made him feel superior and in control.

> It's very likely that the MIL issue is the same. As long as you

were fat,

> she felt superior, and now you threaten her control, and reverse

the image

> she has of herself as being a superior person.

> IMHO

>

> Jac

> mailto:jholdaway@c...

> before and after pictures at:

> http://hometown.aol.com/jrandjrholdaway

> http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

> http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints

[Guest guest]

<<Sure, we do this for

ourselves and can't depend on the approval of others. Still, it

feels liberating to have his support and recognition.>>

We all do it " for ourselves. " But we all need support and recognition for

our efforts. I'm glad he's caught up with you in growth...It's a lot more

fun to be growing together than to be growing apart!

Jac

mailto:jholdaway@...

before and after pictures at:

http://hometown.aol.com/jrandjrholdaway

http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints

[Guest guest]

<<Sure, we do this for

ourselves and can't depend on the approval of others. Still, it

feels liberating to have his support and recognition.>>

We all do it " for ourselves. " But we all need support and recognition for

our efforts. I'm glad he's caught up with you in growth...It's a lot more

fun to be growing together than to be growing apart!

Jac

mailto:jholdaway@...

before and after pictures at:

http://hometown.aol.com/jrandjrholdaway

http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints

[Guest guest]

Damn, Woman!

You can't expect us to leave the toilet seat down **AND** take out

the trash, too.

Get real!

(^>^)

--Steve

At 10:18 AM -0800 3/10/03, Tara and Brzezinski wrote:

> Sometimes he is so perfect , and then he goes and blows it by not

>taking the trash out---- MEN

[Guest guest]

Damn, Woman!

You can't expect us to leave the toilet seat down **AND** take out

the trash, too.

Get real!

(^>^)

--Steve

At 10:18 AM -0800 3/10/03, Tara and Brzezinski wrote:

> Sometimes he is so perfect , and then he goes and blows it by not

>taking the trash out---- MEN

[Guest guest]

WOW! What a wunnerful change, Vicki! " Has-been " now *IS*! So nice

to read this. Thousands of times more meaningful than what the Evil

Stepmother has to say.

--Steve

At 5:50 PM +0000 3/10/03, vickiang wrote:

>it feels liberating to have his support and recognition.

>

>It's all good.

[Guest guest]

WOW! What a wunnerful change, Vicki! " Has-been " now *IS*! So nice

to read this. Thousands of times more meaningful than what the Evil

Stepmother has to say.

--Steve

At 5:50 PM +0000 3/10/03, vickiang wrote:

>it feels liberating to have his support and recognition.

>

>It's all good.

[Guest guest]

It is truly sad that some of the people that we used to trust have

become " the enemy " after weight loss. I work with doctors and nurses

and one would have thought they would be understanding. Huh! Adipose

probability or fat chance! One nurse was someone I thought was a dear

friend. She and I used to commiserate over what we believedwas

discrimination against the two of us because we were both obese.

However, she shifted away as I lost weight. One of the saddest

experiences in my weight loss was to accept that she was lost as a

friend. I guess that my new self and lifestyle causes her pain and

self-recrimination because I made the change and she didn't. Now I

am one of " the enemy " to her subconsciously.

These folks that turn away from aren't " evil. " In many cases, seeing

us as we are now --after weight loss-- is painful for them. We may

be a reminder to them of what they feel is their personal failure.

Remember how we used to feel about ourselves--many of us bought the

low self-esteem that the " thin " world made us believe was our due.

Undoubtedly, we are mirror that makes some of former obese friends

see themself as a failure the more we succeed. As for the " thin "

people: we are a silent rebuke to those people who used their low

esteem of us to make themself feel good. Our success is a very real

mirror that reflects their own inadewquacy back at them.

In the end, you try to treat every as would want to be treated--and

that includes everyone: " the long, and the short, and the tall,

bless 'em all. "

The Nortalian Stallion

Was: 329 Is: 175

Was: near death Is: full of life

Was: BMI 46 Is BMI: 24

Was: filled with self-doubt Is: confident of the beauty of the future

[Guest guest]

It is truly sad that some of the people that we used to trust have

become " the enemy " after weight loss. I work with doctors and nurses

and one would have thought they would be understanding. Huh! Adipose

probability or fat chance! One nurse was someone I thought was a dear

friend. She and I used to commiserate over what we believedwas

discrimination against the two of us because we were both obese.

However, she shifted away as I lost weight. One of the saddest

experiences in my weight loss was to accept that she was lost as a

friend. I guess that my new self and lifestyle causes her pain and

self-recrimination because I made the change and she didn't. Now I

am one of " the enemy " to her subconsciously.

These folks that turn away from aren't " evil. " In many cases, seeing

us as we are now --after weight loss-- is painful for them. We may

be a reminder to them of what they feel is their personal failure.

Remember how we used to feel about ourselves--many of us bought the

low self-esteem that the " thin " world made us believe was our due.

Undoubtedly, we are mirror that makes some of former obese friends

see themself as a failure the more we succeed. As for the " thin "

people: we are a silent rebuke to those people who used their low

esteem of us to make themself feel good. Our success is a very real

mirror that reflects their own inadewquacy back at them.

In the end, you try to treat every as would want to be treated--and

that includes everyone: " the long, and the short, and the tall,

bless 'em all. "

The Nortalian Stallion

Was: 329 Is: 175

Was: near death Is: full of life

Was: BMI 46 Is BMI: 24

Was: filled with self-doubt Is: confident of the beauty of the future

[Guest guest]

Oh..and could ya' empty the dishwasher while you're at it? And about that

foot massage you promised... ;-)

anonymous

Message: 24

Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 13:36:12 -0500

Subject: RE: The good, the bad and the ugly

Damn, Woman!

You can't expect us to leave the toilet seat down **AND** take out

the trash, too.

Get real

[Guest guest]

Oh..and could ya' empty the dishwasher while you're at it? And about that

foot massage you promised... ;-)

anonymous

Message: 24

Date: Mon, 10 Mar 2003 13:36:12 -0500

Subject: RE: The good, the bad and the ugly

Damn, Woman!

You can't expect us to leave the toilet seat down **AND** take out

the trash, too.

Get real