Intro

February 10, 2003

Hi...I understand that you are supposed to do an intro before

starting to post here, so this will be mine. I have been lurking on

and off for months, but haven't gotten around to doing an intro since

I passed my first anniversary.

My surgery (open rny at BTC in Belvidere, IL) was on Dec. 26, 2001.

By the time I was a year out, I had lost 121 lbs., which was about

half of my pre-op weight. I feel very good about that, but I don't

know if I can say I'm " at goal " or not, because I was never given a

weight loss goal and never set one for myself. I had kind of a

general idea of what I was hoping for, but it was a pretty modest

one, because I was afraid of setting my sights too high for fear that

I'd probably be disappointed. I never even dared hope I'd get all the

way to a " normal " weight, much less my " ideal " weight. I read so many

stories about people stalling out at higher weights that I guess I

just assumed that's what would happen to me. But instead, my weight

loss surpassed all my pre-op expectations and kept on going. This is,

OF COURSE, great--the only problem is that I don't know how to figure

out what I should weigh or whether I am there yet. I am also not sure

whether I should be trying to get to a point that is a little lower

than where I'd ideally like to be, so that I have a little bit of

a " cushion " against regain. I just read a post on this group saying

that it's common to regain about 10 pounds after reaching goal. Is

that true? This has me a bit scared. I feel like what I weigh as of

this moment is the max that I would really want to weigh, and that

makes me afraid to stop losing now.

To get down to specifics, I will tell you that I weigh 120 right now,

and have been holding fairly steady here for about the last month and

a half. I realize that probably sounds tiny to some people, but since

I'm only 5'1 " with a very small frame, it's not a ridiculously low

weight for me at all. I have a BMI of 22.7 at this weight, which is a

little above the middle of the " normal " range, so I am definitely NOT

underweight right now.

My current weight feels pretty good to me, which tells me that maybe

this IS where I want to be. But I really don't want to weigh any more

than this, so the idea that I might end up 10 lbs. than this if I

don't get down even lower has me worried.

Another thing that is making this situation even more confusing for

me is that I spent my teens and 20s absolutely convinced that I was

too heavy at 120 and needed to weigh around 105. I actually got down

to that weight ONCE, about 30 years ago (I was 21 at the time), and

that is the only time in my adult life (before now) that I can ever

remember not thinking of myself as weighing more than I should.

Believe me, I KNOW that my ideas about my weight and body image were

messed up when I was younger--I've been aware of that for years--but

I am still confused about the whole thing. 105 is definitely thinner

than I want to be now, and I really don't have any desire to get down

that low--but I don't know what I SHOULD be shooting for. And in the

meantime, finding myself at a weight that is right in the range that

I once considered " overweight " after all these years is doing a major

number on my head.

Is any of this making any sense whatsoever, lol? I feel like I

probably sound like a complete nutcase. This whole thing has taken me

by surprise, to tell you the truth. Over the years, as my weight

climbed higher and higher and I gave up any hopes of ever at

a " normal " weight again, much less a truly " slender " one, I gradually

began to think of myself as a fat woman. I didn't feel like I was

ever going to be able to lose the weight, and I convinced myself that

I was comfortable with who I was. The truth was that I really was NOT

happy with my weight, but since I felt like I had NO hope of changing

things, I decided to accept the status quo rather than agonize over

things. That really didn't change till I got to the point of being MO

and gradually began to feel worse and worse physically--and boy, did

it change then! It was like one day I suddenly woke up and

said, " Man, you know what--I really HATE this!!! " *look of surprise*

Things came to a head in 2001. The year efore, I managed to lose 20

lbs. on Atkins, and was feeling pretty decent...but by the middle of

2001, I had gained back 40 and was feeling worse than ever and

frantic to do something about. Around that time, all the publicity

about Carnie was hitting the fan, and I got curious and

started to investigate. I was flabbergasted to learn that obesity

could actually be treated effectively with surgery and that I was

heavy enough to qualify for it and that my insurance would cover it.

The rest, as they say, is history.

By the time I decided to have wls, I had long since given up hope of

ever being anything other than obese, so I figured that I would be

ecstatic if I could just get myself to the point of being " merely "

overweight (which for me is somewhere in the upper 150s). I did

that...and then some...and that's when the confusion really started

to kick in.

To further complicate things, I also have a ton of extra skin hanging

all over me, with no hopes of being able to get rid of it in the

foreseeable future. That is confusing things for me even more,

because I feel like all the rolls and folds are making me looking

heavier than I actually am. If there's a skinny person in here

somewhere, I'm having a hard time seeing her right now, lol. (PS is

just not in the picture right now--my insurance guidelines are VERY

strict and there's no way I could qualify based on the way they are

written--and I have no other way to pay for any PS. So for the time

being, at least, I will just have to find a way to deal.)

So...that is where I am at the moment. Sorry my first post here is so

darned long. I was going to just do a brief intro this time, but once

I got started, it was hard to stop, lol. I have been wanting to talk

about all this, but afraid of being lectured to just count my

blessings and just being glad I lost the weight. Well, duh, I AM glad

I lost the weight--how dumb would it be if I wasn't, lol? But I seem

to feel a need to quantify things in some way. And when people make

comments about " getting to goal " or being X no. of lbs. away from

that, I feel lost. Plus there is that fear of not being able to count

on staying where I am right now...darn it, I really need to shut up

now, because I'm starting to repeat myself!

Sorry if I put anyone to sleep with this long post...and I'm sorry if

I sound like a total nutjob. Thanks so much for listening!

Sharon <--are there any other Sharons here? If so, I will start using

an initial

February 10, 2003