If you knew you were going to gain weight regardless would you eat what you want

March 2, 2003

I am just curious to who would go ahead and eat what they wanted if

they knew because of mechanical failure they would gain weight

anyway? The reason I ask this is if none of you would do this then

maybe I do have a bigger problem than I orginally thought. I do eat

what I want right now because I know in a few months I will never be

able to eat it again at least for awhile because with my fistula

repair I have to start all over with eating that really sucks but

yet it could be just what I need. I am almost 4 years out I don't

remember what it was like to be so full after a few bites. I am

really scared and starting to use food to cope. I can't believe

what I did yesterday after a good friend called to check on how my

grandma is doing who is back in the hospital and dying and asked

when I would be seeing my counselor again? She said I don't know

much about your surgery or what you will be having done but I

noticed you are gaining weight and I have seen what you are eating

and you tell others not to eat that stuff. I said great you notice

it too! She just wanted to catch me before my next counseling

appointment. I was so angry after she said that and guess what I

did I ate one granola bar then a half hour later another and then

another it doesn't stop there of course I ate a Pop Tart Pastry

swirl and some Twizzlers. I of course got really sick and had to go

lay down I wanted to go vomit but have never been able to since I

had surgery except when I had obstructions. Then you think I

would've learned but for dinner I had a couple of slices of Pizza

and a little while later I was so nauseus, dizzy, head pounding and

heart racing the just wanted to die feeling. I can't believe what I

did to get over the dumping I put an ice pack on my head then went

outside barefooted with no coat on and a short sleeve shirt to my

car to get my CD changer out of the trunk. It was like 30 degrees

outside and I am asking for pneumonia but it helped ease the dumping

plus I figured if I get a cold or the flu or what ever I would loose

weight because I wouldn't be able to eat much. I get sick the week

I am on my period so regardless of what I eat I get dumping which is

odd. I am finished with my period today so the dumping has eased

and can eat the foods in moderation that gave me dumping then. I

have so much going on and I know most of us do I can't believe the

habits that I thought were gone forever came back full force. I

guess I never dealt with them before and the surgery just puts them

in remission until we are given something that seems impossible to

deal with or we develop mecahnical failure I don't know I am only

guessing. I do know however as soon as I have the surgery to fix my

fistula which may end up being a total revision again I won't know

until he gets in there but I will be afraid to eat again and the

whole cycle will start all over again. I know I need help and until

I typed this out I was in denial about how bad my problem really

is. The problem I have with getting help is I need to find someone

who understands the surgery and the restrictions we have its not

like before where we could eat until we puked but then again I guess

it is if we eat past what our little pouches can hold. I keep

telling myself that everything will be fine after I have surgery its

the failing mechanics that is causing me to do this but we all know

that is not true so I was in denial I guess I still am. I am so

scared! I don't know what to do?

Anyone relate with what I am saying?

Kristy

March 2, 2003