Guest guest Posted October 29, 2002 Report Share Posted October 29, 2002 Sorry for the long drought of jokes...it's been busy around here... _______________________ Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” --Mark Twain ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ " When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. " ---Dave Barry ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. “Dead.” She was informed. “How do you know?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Bush was out jogging one morning when he came across a little boy sitting on the White House lawn with a box full of newborn puppies. He was mesmerized by the cute little puppies and when the little boy said, " You should take one, they're Republican puppies, " replied, " Well, that's just great, maybe I will. " The next day, he takes Dick Cheney jogging with him. " Dick, you gotta come with me, there's something I have to show you. " As they approach the boy with the box, the boy says, " Would either of you like a puppy? They're Democrat puppies. " A puzzled asks, " But didn't you tell me just yesterday that they were Republican puppies? " The boy replied, " Yes, but that was before their eyes opened. " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, " Tick - Tock " , over and over. After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do. The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, " Tick...Tick.. Tick... " The German officer in charge went up to him and said, " You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK! " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ New Medications at Your Local Pharmacy St . Mom's Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers quiet nd calm for up to six hours. EmptyNestrogen Highly effective daily pill that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the emory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait they moved out. Peptobimbo Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening ut increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and enhances flirtation skills. Dumerol When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, " You make me want to be a better person ...can we get naked now? " Buyagra Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. . JackAsspirin Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number. Anti-talksident A spray, carried in a purse or wallet, to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin More effective than Excedrin in treating the, " Not now, dear, I have a headache, " syndrome. Ragamet When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing itherself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 29, 2002 Report Share Posted October 29, 2002 Sorry for the long drought of jokes...it's been busy around here... _______________________ Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” --Mark Twain ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ " When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. " ---Dave Barry ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. “Dead.” She was informed. “How do you know?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.” ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Bush was out jogging one morning when he came across a little boy sitting on the White House lawn with a box full of newborn puppies. He was mesmerized by the cute little puppies and when the little boy said, " You should take one, they're Republican puppies, " replied, " Well, that's just great, maybe I will. " The next day, he takes Dick Cheney jogging with him. " Dick, you gotta come with me, there's something I have to show you. " As they approach the boy with the box, the boy says, " Would either of you like a puppy? They're Democrat puppies. " A puzzled asks, " But didn't you tell me just yesterday that they were Republican puppies? " The boy replied, " Yes, but that was before their eyes opened. " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, " Tick - Tock " , over and over. After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do. The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, " Tick...Tick.. Tick... " The German officer in charge went up to him and said, " You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK! " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ New Medications at Your Local Pharmacy St . Mom's Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers quiet nd calm for up to six hours. EmptyNestrogen Highly effective daily pill that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the emory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait they moved out. Peptobimbo Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening ut increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and enhances flirtation skills. Dumerol When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, " You make me want to be a better person ...can we get naked now? " Buyagra Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. . JackAsspirin Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number. Anti-talksident A spray, carried in a purse or wallet, to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin More effective than Excedrin in treating the, " Not now, dear, I have a headache, " syndrome. Ragamet When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing itherself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.