humor from george relles

[Guest guest]

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa

Zsa Gabor-

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell

happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

" No need for me to come out to the house, " the doctor told the worried caller.

" I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks

he's sick. "

A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been

correct. " How's your uncle today? " he asked.

" Worse, " came the reply. " Now he thinks he's dead. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The man was in no shape to drive so he wisely left his car parked and walked

home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

" What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? " said the officer.

" I'm going to a lecture, " the man answered.

" And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? " asked the cop.

" My wife, " replied the man.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

" I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this:

If you can't find a good man, raise one. " Anon

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The preacher said: " There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who

has ever known a perfect man, stand up. "

Nobody stood up.

" Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up. "

One demure little woman stood up.

" Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman? " he asked, somewhat amazed.

" I didn't know her personally, " replied the little old woman, " but I have heard

a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A WOMAN

A married couple is driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind

the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, " Honey, I know

we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce. "

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says,

" I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an

affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are. "

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up. " I want the house, " he insists,

pressing his luck.

The wife speeds up to eighty. He says, " I want the car, too, " By now she's up

to ninety. " All right, " he says, " I want the bank accounts, and all the credit

cards, too. " The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, " Isn't there anything you want? "

The wife says, " No, I've got everything I need. "

" Oh, really, " he says, " so what have you got? " Right before they slam into the

wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, --------- " The airbag. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

1. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be !

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only

expects you

to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the

bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink

spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,

there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the

impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large

trash can.

10. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still

end up at work.

11. Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a

station-wagon

to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry

ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Now, a five-year-old can do it.

12. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,

I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid”.

13. I’m so depressed.... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for

Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned

building.

14. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and

found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he

didn’t have to worry about a Will. He said, “Will!? What will? I’m making a

list of the people I wanna bite.”

15. Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office

when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. “Pardon me,” the stock boy says.

“Sure,” Clinton replies, “but it’ll cost you.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Guest guest]

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa

Zsa Gabor-

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell

happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

" No need for me to come out to the house, " the doctor told the worried caller.

" I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks

he's sick. "

A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been

correct. " How's your uncle today? " he asked.

" Worse, " came the reply. " Now he thinks he's dead. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The man was in no shape to drive so he wisely left his car parked and walked

home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

" What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? " said the officer.

" I'm going to a lecture, " the man answered.

" And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? " asked the cop.

" My wife, " replied the man.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

" I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this:

If you can't find a good man, raise one. " Anon

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The preacher said: " There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who

has ever known a perfect man, stand up. "

Nobody stood up.

" Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up. "

One demure little woman stood up.

" Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman? " he asked, somewhat amazed.

" I didn't know her personally, " replied the little old woman, " but I have heard

a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A WOMAN

A married couple is driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind

the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, " Honey, I know

we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce. "

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says,

" I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an

affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are. "

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up. " I want the house, " he insists,

pressing his luck.

The wife speeds up to eighty. He says, " I want the car, too, " By now she's up

to ninety. " All right, " he says, " I want the bank accounts, and all the credit

cards, too. " The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, " Isn't there anything you want? "

The wife says, " No, I've got everything I need. "

" Oh, really, " he says, " so what have you got? " Right before they slam into the

wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, --------- " The airbag. "

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

1. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be !

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only

expects you

to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the

bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink

spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,

there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the

impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large

trash can.

10. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still

end up at work.

11. Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a

station-wagon

to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry

ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Now, a five-year-old can do it.

12. A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off,

I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid”.

13. I’m so depressed.... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for

Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned

building.

14. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and

found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he

didn’t have to worry about a Will. He said, “Will!? What will? I’m making a

list of the people I wanna bite.”

15. Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office

when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. “Pardon me,” the stock boy says.

“Sure,” Clinton replies, “but it’ll cost you.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^