GREAT BITS OF WISDOM FOR OUR TIME

August 28, 2001

(1) " Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I

don't like and just give her a house. " * Seagal

(2) " The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a

desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun

with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. "

* Jeff Foxworthy

(3) " See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,

and only enough blood to run one at a time. " * Robin

(4) " If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and

saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without

even considering if there is a man on base. " * Dave Barry

(5) " What do people mean when they say the computer went down on

them? " * Marilyn Pittman

(6) " Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we

should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to

leave you, they should give! you two weeks' notice. There should be

severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find

you a temp. " * Bob Ettinger

(7) " My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out

in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't

trying to teach you how to swim. " * a Poundstone

(8) " A study in the Washington Post says that women have better

verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that

study: " duh. " * Conan O'Brien

(9) " Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway

through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I could be

eating a slow learner. " * Lynda Montgomery

(10) " The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears

comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. " * Roseanne

(11) " I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in

New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it

just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.! ' " * Jeni

(12) " If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead. " * ny Carson

(13) " Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us

geography. " *

(14) " My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned

sixty, and that's the law. " * Jerry Seinfeld

(15) " In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up

quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the

logic? Do tall people burn slower? " * Warren Hutcherson

(16) " Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the

same. " * Wilde

(17) " Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an

institution yet. " * Mae West

(18) " Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member

of Congress . . . But I repeat myself. " * Mark Twain

(19) " Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Kuwait. " * A. Whitney Brown

(20) " Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out

a man's genitals through his wallet, " * Robin

(21) " Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it

as the only time of the month that I can be myself. " * Roseanne

(23) " You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give

you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've

thought of that!' " * Dave Barry

(24) " If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

* Carlin

(25) " When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died

peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in

her car. " * Author Unknown

(26) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a

headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: " Take two aspirin "

and " Keep away from children "

(27) " Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a

support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the

bar. " * Drew Carey

August 28, 2001