having a hard day

[Guest guest]

Gosh, I feel like I just joined this list and I just complain and

complain and I wish I didn't. I have read all the posts about stress and

hair loss and even memory loss, and anti-depressants...I was actually

encouraged by the hair loss indication on the methotrexate label because

I hate cutting my hair, shaving, and I am sick of this mustache and side

burns I have developed thanks to the prednisone--I didn't want to have

to start shaving my face!! And when I was a teenager I thought being bald

might be cool except I have a few moles on my head, and a scar that

might look strange!

it is funny because before I got so sick I was on Paxil because I have

had problems with depression since my brother died last year...but when I

was so sick, I couldn't get out of bed for about a month--I was totally

drugged on pain killers and just in excrutiating pain--I stopped taking

the paxil because I couldn't remember. Just this past Thursday I had an

appointment and asked for a prescription for it...and started taking it

yesterday--but have lost the bottle and the prescription...so, my memory

is bad, too--I actually can't remember my train of thought most of the

time and feel really stupid because sometimes I forget how to spell " The "

or " and " because they don't look right...and can't remember any

vocabulary except for simple words...this really stresses me out because

I am only my thesis away from my Master's Degree...which I feel I will

not be able to finish--for other reasons, though.

Anyway, today has been hard...it started yesterday with my husband

needing to pack up all his " soldier " stuff and leave. I didn't know if he

was going for good or if he would be back...I did get to pick him up,

though, and we went on a date, stayed out late, which was hard but

nice...but at 5 am they called and said he needed to come in immediately

for possible deployment. He was able to call me and say that he might

come home, but all his stuff is there and when they call he is leaving

and he can't tell me where he is going, how I can contact him, if he can

contact me or anything.

I asked him before he left this morning to call our church...I don't want

to get into a religious discussion, because it might get heated...as it

has on other e-lists I'm on...anyway, he called, as he called before he

left for 2 weeks when he was in the field, asking someone to check up on

me--as I had started all these new medications and wasn't doing so

well...no one ever called or came by. I did call a person who told me she

would be by--it never happened...then I hurt my back and couldn't leave

the apartment because of the stairs...and was just desperate, but still

no one....I was in contact with one lady who watches my kids, and asked

her for help, but she couldn't help me--she actually doesn't have a phone

and she also has medical problems.

So, my husband called today and was told that people had tried and

weren't able to get in contact with me, and nothing would be done for me

or the family until he was definately gone--not just on lock down. I feel

so alone, and really scared right now. It is so hard for me to carry

anything right now, even the baby...and leaving this apartment terrifies

me...I am shaky on the stairs and get dizzy when I drive--I have bad

vertigo...for about 3 years now...so it isn't because of medication, but

I think it has made it worse...so, I can't do laundry or go shopping...we

would usually do all that when my husband came home at night, or on the

weekend.

I am trying to be so positive, well, as much as possible, but I can't

and I don't know what to do. There is no one I can call on...no family,

no friends, nothing. I don't know exactly how to cope right now. Totally

ironic, is that my MA is in psychology...but it is diffierent when it is

happening to you--and I know what a counselor would tell me--get a

support system...but where? How? this group is great, but it is a million

miles from me, you know? I call people to figure out support...different

offices, advocacy, but still feel like I have gotten no where.

On a more positive note...I did enjoy the posts about the Hind Lick

Maneuver and the one about the 1000 marbles...and I wish I could feel

like that...maybe when I feel better, which I hope will be really soon

because I just don't know how much I can take...I was hospitalized for

major depressive disorder last year...if that happened now, with my

husband gone I would lose my children...and I wouldn't be able to live

with that.

Well, I am just venting The baby is asleep...he has some sort of

stomach bug...I think I will lay down, too...I hope everyone is having a

better day than I am Take care.

Margaret

[Guest guest]

Gosh, I feel like I just joined this list and I just complain and

complain and I wish I didn't. I have read all the posts about stress and

hair loss and even memory loss, and anti-depressants...I was actually

encouraged by the hair loss indication on the methotrexate label because

I hate cutting my hair, shaving, and I am sick of this mustache and side

burns I have developed thanks to the prednisone--I didn't want to have

to start shaving my face!! And when I was a teenager I thought being bald

might be cool except I have a few moles on my head, and a scar that

might look strange!

it is funny because before I got so sick I was on Paxil because I have

had problems with depression since my brother died last year...but when I

was so sick, I couldn't get out of bed for about a month--I was totally

drugged on pain killers and just in excrutiating pain--I stopped taking

the paxil because I couldn't remember. Just this past Thursday I had an

appointment and asked for a prescription for it...and started taking it

yesterday--but have lost the bottle and the prescription...so, my memory

is bad, too--I actually can't remember my train of thought most of the

time and feel really stupid because sometimes I forget how to spell " The "

or " and " because they don't look right...and can't remember any

vocabulary except for simple words...this really stresses me out because

I am only my thesis away from my Master's Degree...which I feel I will

not be able to finish--for other reasons, though.

Anyway, today has been hard...it started yesterday with my husband

needing to pack up all his " soldier " stuff and leave. I didn't know if he

was going for good or if he would be back...I did get to pick him up,

though, and we went on a date, stayed out late, which was hard but

nice...but at 5 am they called and said he needed to come in immediately

for possible deployment. He was able to call me and say that he might

come home, but all his stuff is there and when they call he is leaving

and he can't tell me where he is going, how I can contact him, if he can

contact me or anything.

I asked him before he left this morning to call our church...I don't want

to get into a religious discussion, because it might get heated...as it

has on other e-lists I'm on...anyway, he called, as he called before he

left for 2 weeks when he was in the field, asking someone to check up on

me--as I had started all these new medications and wasn't doing so

well...no one ever called or came by. I did call a person who told me she

would be by--it never happened...then I hurt my back and couldn't leave

the apartment because of the stairs...and was just desperate, but still

no one....I was in contact with one lady who watches my kids, and asked

her for help, but she couldn't help me--she actually doesn't have a phone

and she also has medical problems.

So, my husband called today and was told that people had tried and

weren't able to get in contact with me, and nothing would be done for me

or the family until he was definately gone--not just on lock down. I feel

so alone, and really scared right now. It is so hard for me to carry

anything right now, even the baby...and leaving this apartment terrifies

me...I am shaky on the stairs and get dizzy when I drive--I have bad

vertigo...for about 3 years now...so it isn't because of medication, but

I think it has made it worse...so, I can't do laundry or go shopping...we

would usually do all that when my husband came home at night, or on the

weekend.

I am trying to be so positive, well, as much as possible, but I can't

and I don't know what to do. There is no one I can call on...no family,

no friends, nothing. I don't know exactly how to cope right now. Totally

ironic, is that my MA is in psychology...but it is diffierent when it is

happening to you--and I know what a counselor would tell me--get a

support system...but where? How? this group is great, but it is a million

miles from me, you know? I call people to figure out support...different

offices, advocacy, but still feel like I have gotten no where.

On a more positive note...I did enjoy the posts about the Hind Lick

Maneuver and the one about the 1000 marbles...and I wish I could feel

like that...maybe when I feel better, which I hope will be really soon

because I just don't know how much I can take...I was hospitalized for

major depressive disorder last year...if that happened now, with my

husband gone I would lose my children...and I wouldn't be able to live

with that.

Well, I am just venting The baby is asleep...he has some sort of

stomach bug...I think I will lay down, too...I hope everyone is having a

better day than I am Take care.

Margaret