stress and doctors!!!

October 23, 2001

Hi everyone. I have been out of contact, just trying to get by with my

exhaustion and everything. Tai Chi and Qigong are going well and at times

I feel better. I worry because it seems like no one is listening to

me--well, out of my doctors. I was finally transferred to an internist,

which was great, but my rheumy doesn't listen to me and says that ALL my

problems are due to the prednisone--my weakness, fatigue, migraines,

sensitive scalp, bloody nose, red and inflamed cheeks and ear, to mention

only a few things!!! Which I know is ridiculous. My hand problems started

years ago, migraines, too... He also says that my leg and breathing

problems are due to my weight! Oh well...I am switching as of

January--the soonest I could get in to another doctor.

Anyway, I know this letter is just for venting I had an appointment

last week with my internist and he gave me referrals to vestibular rehab,

opthamology, and for MRI and x-rays...I have a " growth on my temple " and

have had a constant headache for a week--since the thing appeared. It

also hurts to chew---anyway, I went to the opthamologist today and he

looked at my eyes, I asked about the thing on my temple and explained

that my eye pain and headache started when that appeared, but he ignored

what I said and told me I was fine, but might need a new

prescription...so I left that appointment not being able to see--I hate

it when the dilate your eyes!! We then went to another appointment...one

for me, and the other for my daughter--counseling.

I was ready to discuss the death of my brother and the grief I have been

feeling that hospitalized me last year--it has been about a year since

his death...but it didn't happen. The reason why is that I talked with my

daughter's counselor first...and told her about some really crappy stuff

that happened yesterday between my daughter and another kid from next

door...I then started talking about how everyone says I place a lot of

stress of her--she has anxiety and OCD, and is anorexic because of

that...but I don't...if anything I try to keep her away from stress. I

pulled her out of school and am homeschooling because school is so

stressful for her. I don't demand her to do things like keep her room

clean or do her homework, she does that herself. She does have chores,

but her counselor said they were too much---that she should only focus on

school work, nothing else. I was so upset and walked out on her--she then

reported to my counselor and I had to discuss it with my counselor for an

hour--not that I don't have other things going on, you know??? Then after

both the appointments my daughter came up to me and said, " mom, my

counselor wouldn't listen to me today. She kept telling me what to do and

that I was doing too much and that I shouldn't do chores around the

house. " I was so upset, but told her that maybe we should focus more on

school work, she said " NO, I like my chores, I get to pretend I am

someone else and I have fun. " I just feel so stressed and so upset and

like I just can't handle things anymore. We have appointments everyday of

the week, sometimes two or three on one day...we are always rushing here

and there and I just can't do it...then I have everything else to deal

with. I told my husband that I am worried because I am starting to feel

like I did when I was hospitalized last year. He asked what we could do

to stop that and I told him that I need help, but I don't get it...he

tries, but he is gone all day. I just feel overwhelmed with

everything...paying bills, getting up in the morning, doing school work

with the kids, homeschool groups, appointments...taking my husband to

work and picking him up. I am just so tired of fighting and would love

just to stay in bed for the rest of my life and do nothing but sleep. I

am on paxil, but it isn't helping...I feel so HUGE and so

unattractive...I wish that there was something magical that would help me

lose weight, but not on the prednisone!! Oh well. I am just glad that I

have a supportive husband.

Anyway, I am just venting. I have no one else to vent to. I worry my

husband so much and I know he has other stuff that he has to deal with

and doesn't need a basket case for a wife, too

I hope everyone else is doing ok. Take care.

Margaret

October 23, 2001