please help me with my dreams ......loss of my baby

[Guest guest]

What a beautiful reply. Well done.

RE: please help me with my dreams ......loss of my baby

Dear Ayesha, I do not think you are losing your mind at all. What you are describingis normal, at least I have it too. 5 minutes ago, I was doing homework withLeanna and I got a sudden flashback of Samya sitting there doing homeworkwith me. We used to work on that same table and them suddenly it was likethis could not ever have happened. I started crying and poor Leanna startedhugging me and I told her I missed Samya so much. There are times I relivemoments over and over in my head until it aches and I feel sick to mystomach because I could not change things and it is like it is happening allover again. I know this is normal considering what we went through was anightmare to say the least. It has been 2 years since Samya died and thereare days I just cannot believe still all that happened and feel like I amgoing crazy. I do not know what to tell you as far as advice except thatsome days are much harder than others. I also feel at times that I did notdo enough and have lots of guilt like If I had been a better mom , thingswould have been different. I usually come to my senses eventually and aftermany people that love me convince me that I did the best I could. It is sooohard, I know. M<y heart aches so much I do not even know why I am stillalive and yet I have no choice because I have another mito child to dealwith and if I waste too much energy on my pain, I might regret it whenleanna gets sick and dies. I try so hard to enjoy her because I know howshort the time may be (and that is not easy). We are all human and have aright to feel like we are going crazy at times. I do it a lot.My advice toyou is to try Real hard (I know it is not easy) to concentrate on what youhave (a healthy non mito 10 year old girl) and less on what you do nothave. Be thankful (I am sure you are) and enjoy every day with her. It isstill also very early for you. 10 months is not a long time at all and youhave a right to hurt. This past Saturday, me and my husband went on a "date"together for the first time in almost a year without Leanna. We had abeautiful time, and yet as much as I tried to relax, I kept feeling like Iwas living a lie by eating a nice lunch, having ice cream and walking aroundwith the love of my life like the old days when we had no care in the world,so young, so innocent with so much hopes and dream. I felt really weird likewhy am I doing this when I have a DEAD daughter and a sick one. I also knowthat my relationship with him still matters and needs investment because Ilove him so much. When we have gone through so much, our relationshipssuffer because they become less important an yet they need nurturing. We had a good time but it was not like when we were young for sure and wasin some ways painful to be around people with so much life, laughing ets. As for having another baby, that is such a personal decision and only youand your husband know what is right for you. I have no desire but I have adifferent situation than you and my risk is too high. I pray that you findpeace and don't be so hard on yourself. I do not believ God is punishing usat all. That is not how he works. If it was, I know people that deserve alot more punishment that are terrible parents and yet they have healthy kidsand I know awesome parents that have lost children. Nothing in this world isever fair, that is for sure or just. God's will is something we can neverunderstand or know until we face him one day and he will explain it all tous.Try to find a way to relax and take it easy but don't ever feel you were abad mother. You probably did your best, but we can't win against God's will.May God bless you, Suhad Haddad -- Mom to Samya (Died 12-10-02 of Leigh's Synd.) & Leannawith same disease.Samya's Memorial Site: www.samyahaddad.com/.org/.netEmail: Suhad1970@...Alt Email: Suhad@...AiM Chat: Suhad1970-----Original Message-----From: ayesha Sent: Sunday, December 19, 2004 9:45 AMTo: Mito Subject: please help me with my dreams ......loss of my babyhi all its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its been hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i have flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the whole thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis. we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing everything as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am i loosing my mind.i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child, sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too . sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont kno wmy life has become soooooo uncertain. my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day dream that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like this. please reply thankssssayeshaPlease contact mito-owner with any problems or questions.

[Guest guest]

What a beautiful reply. Well done.

RE: please help me with my dreams ......loss of my baby

Dear Ayesha, I do not think you are losing your mind at all. What you are describingis normal, at least I have it too. 5 minutes ago, I was doing homework withLeanna and I got a sudden flashback of Samya sitting there doing homeworkwith me. We used to work on that same table and them suddenly it was likethis could not ever have happened. I started crying and poor Leanna startedhugging me and I told her I missed Samya so much. There are times I relivemoments over and over in my head until it aches and I feel sick to mystomach because I could not change things and it is like it is happening allover again. I know this is normal considering what we went through was anightmare to say the least. It has been 2 years since Samya died and thereare days I just cannot believe still all that happened and feel like I amgoing crazy. I do not know what to tell you as far as advice except thatsome days are much harder than others. I also feel at times that I did notdo enough and have lots of guilt like If I had been a better mom , thingswould have been different. I usually come to my senses eventually and aftermany people that love me convince me that I did the best I could. It is sooohard, I know. M<y heart aches so much I do not even know why I am stillalive and yet I have no choice because I have another mito child to dealwith and if I waste too much energy on my pain, I might regret it whenleanna gets sick and dies. I try so hard to enjoy her because I know howshort the time may be (and that is not easy). We are all human and have aright to feel like we are going crazy at times. I do it a lot.My advice toyou is to try Real hard (I know it is not easy) to concentrate on what youhave (a healthy non mito 10 year old girl) and less on what you do nothave. Be thankful (I am sure you are) and enjoy every day with her. It isstill also very early for you. 10 months is not a long time at all and youhave a right to hurt. This past Saturday, me and my husband went on a "date"together for the first time in almost a year without Leanna. We had abeautiful time, and yet as much as I tried to relax, I kept feeling like Iwas living a lie by eating a nice lunch, having ice cream and walking aroundwith the love of my life like the old days when we had no care in the world,so young, so innocent with so much hopes and dream. I felt really weird likewhy am I doing this when I have a DEAD daughter and a sick one. I also knowthat my relationship with him still matters and needs investment because Ilove him so much. When we have gone through so much, our relationshipssuffer because they become less important an yet they need nurturing. We had a good time but it was not like when we were young for sure and wasin some ways painful to be around people with so much life, laughing ets. As for having another baby, that is such a personal decision and only youand your husband know what is right for you. I have no desire but I have adifferent situation than you and my risk is too high. I pray that you findpeace and don't be so hard on yourself. I do not believ God is punishing usat all. That is not how he works. If it was, I know people that deserve alot more punishment that are terrible parents and yet they have healthy kidsand I know awesome parents that have lost children. Nothing in this world isever fair, that is for sure or just. God's will is something we can neverunderstand or know until we face him one day and he will explain it all tous.Try to find a way to relax and take it easy but don't ever feel you were abad mother. You probably did your best, but we can't win against God's will.May God bless you, Suhad Haddad -- Mom to Samya (Died 12-10-02 of Leigh's Synd.) & Leannawith same disease.Samya's Memorial Site: www.samyahaddad.com/.org/.netEmail: Suhad1970@...Alt Email: Suhad@...AiM Chat: Suhad1970-----Original Message-----From: ayesha Sent: Sunday, December 19, 2004 9:45 AMTo: Mito Subject: please help me with my dreams ......loss of my babyhi all its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its been hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i have flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the whole thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis. we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing everything as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am i loosing my mind.i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child, sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too . sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont kno wmy life has become soooooo uncertain. my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day dream that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like this. please reply thankssssayeshaPlease contact mito-owner with any problems or questions.

[Guest guest]

hi all

its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its been

hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i have

flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second

i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes

nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...

what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i

have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the whole

thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this

morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the

crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping

for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis.

we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing everything

as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more

than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad

story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am i

loosing my mind.

i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am

mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being

punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember

things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child,

sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too .

sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont kno

wmy life has become soooooo uncertain.

my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day dream

that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like

this.

please reply thankssss

ayesha

[Guest guest]

hi all

its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its been

hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i have

flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second

i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes

nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...

what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i

have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the whole

thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this

morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the

crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping

for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis.

we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing everything

as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more

than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad

story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am i

loosing my mind.

i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am

mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being

punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember

things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child,

sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too .

sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont kno

wmy life has become soooooo uncertain.

my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day dream

that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like

this.

please reply thankssss

ayesha

[Guest guest]

Ayesha,

You are NOT losing your mind. This is a normal part of grief. I had

flashbacks every day for years after my daughter died. Even now, 18

years later, I still do, especially during the time of year that she

was hospitalized (October-November). I see her in dreams where she

is calling to me to help her, and I'm trying, but just can seem to

save her.

I hope someday to have dreams where she is healthy and happy, but so

far, I just have the tormented kind.

Theresa

>

> hi all

> its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its

been

> hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i

have

> flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second

> i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes

> nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...

> what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i

> have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the

whole

> thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this

> morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the

> crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping

> for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis.

> we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing

everything

> as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more

> than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad

> story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am

i

> loosing my mind.

> i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am

> mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being

> punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember

> things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child,

> sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too .

> sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont

kno

> wmy life has become soooooo uncertain.

> my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day

dream

> that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like

> this.

> please reply thankssss

> ayesha

[Guest guest]

Ayesha,

You are NOT losing your mind. This is a normal part of grief. I had

flashbacks every day for years after my daughter died. Even now, 18

years later, I still do, especially during the time of year that she

was hospitalized (October-November). I see her in dreams where she

is calling to me to help her, and I'm trying, but just can seem to

save her.

I hope someday to have dreams where she is healthy and happy, but so

far, I just have the tormented kind.

Theresa

>

> hi all

> its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its

been

> hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i

have

> flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second

> i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes

> nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...

> what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i

> have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the

whole

> thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this

> morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the

> crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping

> for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis.

> we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing

everything

> as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more

> than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad

> story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am

i

> loosing my mind.

> i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am

> mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being

> punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember

> things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child,

> sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too .

> sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont

kno

> wmy life has become soooooo uncertain.

> my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day

dream

> that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like

> this.

> please reply thankssss

> ayesha

[Guest guest]

Ayesha,

What you describe is what we here in the US call " flasbacks " that come from

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is a psychological condition that occurs

when someone has been under extreme/unusual stress with the threat of death to

themselves or a loved one. It is totally 'normal' given the situation you've

been in - please do not be mean to yourself because of it. Talk with your

friends and your family over and over about the story if you need to. You are

not crazy.

Anne R

[Guest guest]

Ayesha,

What you describe is what we here in the US call " flasbacks " that come from

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is a psychological condition that occurs

when someone has been under extreme/unusual stress with the threat of death to

themselves or a loved one. It is totally 'normal' given the situation you've

been in - please do not be mean to yourself because of it. Talk with your

friends and your family over and over about the story if you need to. You are

not crazy.

Anne R

[Guest guest]

> something that helps me is to remember grief is cyclic something

i thought i was passed and worked thru comes back--then i had a grief

counselor tell me that grieving is cyclic so i stopped getting so mad

at myself another thing that help is believing that my daughter

would not want me sad so i try to have more good days than bad

sleeping is tough for me too my mind just races when i slow down

please hang in there and enjoy the time with you ten year old lisa

> hi all

> its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its

been

> hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i

have

> flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second

> i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes

> nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...

> what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i

> have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the

whole

> thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this

> morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the

> crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping

> for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis.

> we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing

everything

> as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more

> than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad

> story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am

i

> loosing my mind.

> i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am

> mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being

> punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember

> things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child,

> sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too .

> sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont

kno

> wmy life has become soooooo uncertain.

> my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day

dream

> that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like

> this.

> please reply thankssss

> ayesha

[Guest guest]

> something that helps me is to remember grief is cyclic something

i thought i was passed and worked thru comes back--then i had a grief

counselor tell me that grieving is cyclic so i stopped getting so mad

at myself another thing that help is believing that my daughter

would not want me sad so i try to have more good days than bad

sleeping is tough for me too my mind just races when i slow down

please hang in there and enjoy the time with you ten year old lisa

> hi all

> its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its

been

> hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i

have

> flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second

> i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes

> nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...

> what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i

> have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the

whole

> thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this

> morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the

> crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping

> for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis.

> we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing

everything

> as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more

> than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad

> story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am

i

> loosing my mind.

> i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am

> mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being

> punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember

> things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child,

> sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too .

> sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont

kno

> wmy life has become soooooo uncertain.

> my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day

dream

> that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like

> this.

> please reply thankssss

> ayesha

[Guest guest]

Dear Ayesha,

I do not think you are losing your mind at all. What you are describing

is normal, at least I have it too. 5 minutes ago, I was doing homework with

Leanna and I got a sudden flashback of Samya sitting there doing homework

with me. We used to work on that same table and them suddenly it was like

this could not ever have happened. I started crying and poor Leanna started

hugging me and I told her I missed Samya so much. There are times I relive

moments over and over in my head until it aches and I feel sick to my

stomach because I could not change things and it is like it is happening all

over again. I know this is normal considering what we went through was a

nightmare to say the least. It has been 2 years since Samya died and there

are days I just cannot believe still all that happened and feel like I am

going crazy. I do not know what to tell you as far as advice except that

some days are much harder than others. I also feel at times that I did not

do enough and have lots of guilt like If I had been a better mom , things

would have been different. I usually come to my senses eventually and after

many people that love me convince me that I did the best I could. It is sooo

hard, I know. M<y heart aches so much I do not even know why I am still

alive and yet I have no choice because I have another mito child to deal

with and if I waste too much energy on my pain, I might regret it when

leanna gets sick and dies. I try so hard to enjoy her because I know how

short the time may be (and that is not easy). We are all human and have a

right to feel like we are going crazy at times. I do it a lot.My advice to

you is to try Real hard (I know it is not easy) to concentrate on what you

have (a healthy non mito 10 year old girl) and less on what you do not

have. Be thankful (I am sure you are) and enjoy every day with her. It is

still also very early for you. 10 months is not a long time at all and you

have a right to hurt. This past Saturday, me and my husband went on a " date "

together for the first time in almost a year without Leanna. We had a

beautiful time, and yet as much as I tried to relax, I kept feeling like I

was living a lie by eating a nice lunch, having ice cream and walking around

with the love of my life like the old days when we had no care in the world,

so young, so innocent with so much hopes and dream. I felt really weird like

why am I doing this when I have a DEAD daughter and a sick one. I also know

that my relationship with him still matters and needs investment because I

love him so much. When we have gone through so much, our relationships

suffer because they become less important an yet they need nurturing.

We had a good time but it was not like when we were young for sure and was

in some ways painful to be around people with so much life, laughing ets.

As for having another baby, that is such a personal decision and only you

and your husband know what is right for you. I have no desire but I have a

different situation than you and my risk is too high. I pray that you find

peace and don't be so hard on yourself. I do not believ God is punishing us

at all. That is not how he works. If it was, I know people that deserve a

lot more punishment that are terrible parents and yet they have healthy kids

and I know awesome parents that have lost children. Nothing in this world is

ever fair, that is for sure or just. God's will is something we can never

understand or know until we face him one day and he will explain it all to

us.

Try to find a way to relax and take it easy but don't ever feel you were a

bad mother. You probably did your best, but we can't win against God's will.

May God bless you,

 

 

Suhad Haddad  --  Mom to Samya (Died 12-10-02 of Leigh's Synd.) & Leanna

with same disease.

Samya's Memorial Site: www.samyahaddad.com/.org/.net

Email: Suhad1970@...

Alt Email: Suhad@...

AiM Chat: Suhad1970

please help me with my dreams ......loss of my baby

hi all

its been almost 10 months since my girl departed with mito. its been

hard but lately i have a problem which is bothering me alot. i have

flash back. its like i am talking to someone and for a micro second

i would see a scene out of somewhere when she was there . sometimes

nice memories but mostly when she was in pain or ...

what is happeneing to me ?? is it normal. i mean for that second i

have this feeling as i am a thrid person and i am watching the whole

thing like a camera . i mean like i tell you ..... i saw this

morning that i am running on the heatherow airport with her on the

crib and getting people to help me with laguge and she is gasping

for air. this really happened when i took her to uk for diagnosis.

we were stuck in london airport for hours and was loosing everything

as i was told she wouldnt bee able to live without oxygen for more

than 16 hours and i had to come back home somehow . its a long sad

story. anyway tell me what to do how to cope????is it normla or am i

loosing my mind.

i also feel i didnt take a good care of her at all. do u think i am

mad now??? why is this happenening to me???do u think i am being

punished ???i have loss of memory ow , sometimes i cant remember

things.what is going on.i am thinking of having another child,

sometimes i fear that this comming baby will be a mito too .

sometimes i have this feeling that everything will go ok. i dont kno

wmy life has become soooooo uncertain.

my other daughter is now 10 , i fear for her . i sometimes day dream

that she is also mito. why am i like this.????? is anyone else like

this.

please reply thankssss

ayesha

Please contact mito-owner with any problems or questions.