Dating gets more complicated--boundaries again

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone:

Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my life.

I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When deciding on whether

I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some friends, one of whom

is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that might not make him

an ideal match.

The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV watching, slight

weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit smoking. He works

from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager so that means

working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times I'm off of work.

I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity. Living alone, I

can control what food comes into my house. The prospect of

eventually living with someone is another story.

Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he encouraged me to have a

beer, which of course I didn't because I don't drink. There was an

ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, " Hey, you gotta let go

and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That mindset does not work

for me. I don't want to have to fight against someone who could turn

into an enabler.

Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass), on the other

hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and active. It's a

normal way of being for him, and that just fits in better with my now

active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate together, he didn't

even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the fries, the bun or the

cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and make a big deal

out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training for a marathon,

and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.

I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my recovery from morbid

obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He asked, " Would you date

someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said, " There's your answer.

Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a focus, not THE

focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down just for a man.

You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept you morbidly

obese. "

So... that's something I never thought would be an issue with

finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated, but I'm determined

that my recovery will never be negotiable.

My needs for my recovery must always remain a priority in my life.

That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.

Francisco

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone:

Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my life.

I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When deciding on whether

I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some friends, one of whom

is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that might not make him

an ideal match.

The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV watching, slight

weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit smoking. He works

from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager so that means

working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times I'm off of work.

I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity. Living alone, I

can control what food comes into my house. The prospect of

eventually living with someone is another story.

Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he encouraged me to have a

beer, which of course I didn't because I don't drink. There was an

ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, " Hey, you gotta let go

and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That mindset does not work

for me. I don't want to have to fight against someone who could turn

into an enabler.

Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass), on the other

hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and active. It's a

normal way of being for him, and that just fits in better with my now

active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate together, he didn't

even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the fries, the bun or the

cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and make a big deal

out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training for a marathon,

and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.

I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my recovery from morbid

obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He asked, " Would you date

someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said, " There's your answer.

Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a focus, not THE

focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down just for a man.

You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept you morbidly

obese. "

So... that's something I never thought would be an issue with

finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated, but I'm determined

that my recovery will never be negotiable.

My needs for my recovery must always remain a priority in my life.

That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.

Francisco

[Guest guest]

Francisco, I know that you are going to make the

correct decision for you. Also, maybe you could teach

Steve something about eating healthy and maybe get him

out of the house. I know you don't want to babysit

any one or have to drag someone along but it was just

a thought that you could possible change someone esles

thought process about food and a healthy lifestyle as

you have done so successfully for yourself. Be

encouraged because you will find the correct person to

be in your life and thats for sure.

Pam Marsh

--- manisodream wrote:

> Hello everyone:

>

> Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my

> life.

>

> I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When

> deciding on whether

> I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some

> friends, one of whom

> is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that

> might not make him

> an ideal match.

>

> The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV

> watching, slight

> weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit

> smoking. He works

> from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager

> so that means

> working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times

> I'm off of work.

>

> I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity.

> Living alone, I

> can control what food comes into my house. The

> prospect of

> eventually living with someone is another story.

>

> Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he

> encouraged me to have a

> beer, which of course I didn't because I don't

> drink. There was an

> ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, " Hey,

> you gotta let go

> and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That

> mindset does not work

> for me. I don't want to have to fight against

> someone who could turn

> into an enabler.

>

> Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass),

> on the other

> hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and

> active. It's a

> normal way of being for him, and that just fits in

> better with my now

> active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate

> together, he didn't

> even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the

> fries, the bun or the

> cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and

> make a big deal

> out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training

> for a marathon,

> and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.

>

> I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my

> recovery from morbid

> obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He asked,

> " Would you date

> someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said,

> " There's your answer.

> Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a

> focus, not THE

> focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down

> just for a man.

> You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept

> you morbidly

> obese. "

>

> So... that's something I never thought would be an

> issue with

> finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated,

> but I'm determined

> that my recovery will never be negotiable.

>

> My needs for my recovery must always remain a

> priority in my life.

> That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.

>

> Francisco

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Francisco, I know that you are going to make the

correct decision for you. Also, maybe you could teach

Steve something about eating healthy and maybe get him

out of the house. I know you don't want to babysit

any one or have to drag someone along but it was just

a thought that you could possible change someone esles

thought process about food and a healthy lifestyle as

you have done so successfully for yourself. Be

encouraged because you will find the correct person to

be in your life and thats for sure.

Pam Marsh

--- manisodream wrote:

> Hello everyone:

>

> Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my

> life.

>

> I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When

> deciding on whether

> I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some

> friends, one of whom

> is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that

> might not make him

> an ideal match.

>

> The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV

> watching, slight

> weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit

> smoking. He works

> from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager

> so that means

> working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times

> I'm off of work.

>

> I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity.

> Living alone, I

> can control what food comes into my house. The

> prospect of

> eventually living with someone is another story.

>

> Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he

> encouraged me to have a

> beer, which of course I didn't because I don't

> drink. There was an

> ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, " Hey,

> you gotta let go

> and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That

> mindset does not work

> for me. I don't want to have to fight against

> someone who could turn

> into an enabler.

>

> Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass),

> on the other

> hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and

> active. It's a

> normal way of being for him, and that just fits in

> better with my now

> active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate

> together, he didn't

> even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the

> fries, the bun or the

> cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and

> make a big deal

> out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training

> for a marathon,

> and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.

>

> I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my

> recovery from morbid

> obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He asked,

> " Would you date

> someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said,

> " There's your answer.

> Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a

> focus, not THE

> focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down

> just for a man.

> You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept

> you morbidly

> obese. "

>

> So... that's something I never thought would be an

> issue with

> finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated,

> but I'm determined

> that my recovery will never be negotiable.

>

> My needs for my recovery must always remain a

> priority in my life.

> That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.

>

> Francisco

>

>

>

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Pam:

That's a different perspective I never even considered. Thanks for

helping me see it from a different point of view.

There are a couple of other issues that I didn't mention: Chip is

open to (and has attended) a sister church to my own. It would be a

dream come true to be able to share church with someone I loved.

Some people may find that a strange dream coming from a gay person,

but people don't know the pain that is associated with being rejected

and excluded from other churches. Chip has a real spiritual

component to his personality which draws me to him and him to me.

Steve was very cynical about church. So that would be another thing

I would have to " convince " him to change.

I have such a big job taking care of my changes that I'm not sure I

want to take on someone else's stuff in regards to healthy living and

spirituality.

And my goodness, this is going to sound really snobbish, but Chip

is better educated, more refined, and better off financially. I've

become rather selective in the men I date. Before, I wouldn't have

thought I was good enough. Now for some reason, most of the guys

I've dated are doctors, lawyers, research biologists, architects, and

business owners. Interestingly, these guys have just as many issues

as anyone. That's been a real education.

My needs weren't met in my last relationship, and I won't settle this

time. I guess I now know that I deserve the dream.

I know no one is perfect, let alone me (my goodness I am IMPERFECTION

embodied--perfectly flawed, imperfectly flawless, thoroughly

lovable), but all those factors play a role in attraction, especially

since I'm not just looking for a boyfriend, but a potential life-

partner.

So I'm looking for the whole package--enough of the good stuff to

keep me interested, and sufficiently light carry-on baggage so that

I'm not overwhelmed.

I wonder if that makes sense. Maybe what I'm doing is trying to make

sure that my needs are met, and that's a new thing. Before, I let

everyone else's needs come before mine. Now I know that it's OK for

my needs to be met too.

Francisco

>

> > Hello everyone:

> >

> > Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my

> > life.

> >

> > I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When

> > deciding on whether

> > I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some

> > friends, one of whom

> > is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that

> > might not make him

> > an ideal match.

> >

> > The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV

> > watching, slight

> > weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit

> > smoking. He works

> > from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager

> > so that means

> > working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times

> > I'm off of work.

> >

> > I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity.

> > Living alone, I

> > can control what food comes into my house. The

> > prospect of

> > eventually living with someone is another story.

> >

> > Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he

> > encouraged me to have a

> > beer, which of course I didn't because I don't

> > drink. There was an

> > ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, " Hey,

> > you gotta let go

> > and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That

> > mindset does not work

> > for me. I don't want to have to fight against

> > someone who could turn

> > into an enabler.

> >

> > Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass),

> > on the other

> > hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and

> > active. It's a

> > normal way of being for him, and that just fits in

> > better with my now

> > active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate

> > together, he didn't

> > even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the

> > fries, the bun or the

> > cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and

> > make a big deal

> > out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training

> > for a marathon,

> > and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.

> >

> > I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my

> > recovery from morbid

> > obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He asked,

> > " Would you date

> > someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said,

> > " There's your answer.

> > Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a

> > focus, not THE

> > focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down

> > just for a man.

> > You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept

> > you morbidly

> > obese. "

> >

> > So... that's something I never thought would be an

> > issue with

> > finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated,

> > but I'm determined

> > that my recovery will never be negotiable.

> >

> > My needs for my recovery must always remain a

> > priority in my life.

> > That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.

> >

> > Francisco

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Pam:

That's a different perspective I never even considered. Thanks for

helping me see it from a different point of view.

There are a couple of other issues that I didn't mention: Chip is

open to (and has attended) a sister church to my own. It would be a

dream come true to be able to share church with someone I loved.

Some people may find that a strange dream coming from a gay person,

but people don't know the pain that is associated with being rejected

and excluded from other churches. Chip has a real spiritual

component to his personality which draws me to him and him to me.

Steve was very cynical about church. So that would be another thing

I would have to " convince " him to change.

I have such a big job taking care of my changes that I'm not sure I

want to take on someone else's stuff in regards to healthy living and

spirituality.

And my goodness, this is going to sound really snobbish, but Chip

is better educated, more refined, and better off financially. I've

become rather selective in the men I date. Before, I wouldn't have

thought I was good enough. Now for some reason, most of the guys

I've dated are doctors, lawyers, research biologists, architects, and

business owners. Interestingly, these guys have just as many issues

as anyone. That's been a real education.

My needs weren't met in my last relationship, and I won't settle this

time. I guess I now know that I deserve the dream.

I know no one is perfect, let alone me (my goodness I am IMPERFECTION

embodied--perfectly flawed, imperfectly flawless, thoroughly

lovable), but all those factors play a role in attraction, especially

since I'm not just looking for a boyfriend, but a potential life-

partner.

So I'm looking for the whole package--enough of the good stuff to

keep me interested, and sufficiently light carry-on baggage so that

I'm not overwhelmed.

I wonder if that makes sense. Maybe what I'm doing is trying to make

sure that my needs are met, and that's a new thing. Before, I let

everyone else's needs come before mine. Now I know that it's OK for

my needs to be met too.

Francisco

>

> > Hello everyone:

> >

> > Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my

> > life.

> >

> > I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When

> > deciding on whether

> > I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some

> > friends, one of whom

> > is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that

> > might not make him

> > an ideal match.

> >

> > The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV

> > watching, slight

> > weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit

> > smoking. He works

> > from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager

> > so that means

> > working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times

> > I'm off of work.

> >

> > I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity.

> > Living alone, I

> > can control what food comes into my house. The

> > prospect of

> > eventually living with someone is another story.

> >

> > Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he

> > encouraged me to have a

> > beer, which of course I didn't because I don't

> > drink. There was an

> > ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, " Hey,

> > you gotta let go

> > and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That

> > mindset does not work

> > for me. I don't want to have to fight against

> > someone who could turn

> > into an enabler.

> >

> > Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass),

> > on the other

> > hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and

> > active. It's a

> > normal way of being for him, and that just fits in

> > better with my now

> > active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate

> > together, he didn't

> > even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the

> > fries, the bun or the

> > cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and

> > make a big deal

> > out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training

> > for a marathon,

> > and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.

> >

> > I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my

> > recovery from morbid

> > obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He asked,

> > " Would you date

> > someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said,

> > " There's your answer.

> > Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a

> > focus, not THE

> > focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down

> > just for a man.

> > You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept

> > you morbidly

> > obese. "

> >

> > So... that's something I never thought would be an

> > issue with

> > finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated,

> > but I'm determined

> > that my recovery will never be negotiable.

> >

> > My needs for my recovery must always remain a

> > priority in my life.

> > That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.

> >

> > Francisco

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

> __________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

That is perfectly understandable Francisco and

certainly is fine. You have to put your needs first.

I think that sooner rather than later I will get out

of the taking care of others mode. You know old

habits die hard. I respect you for your decisions and

I don't think it is snobbish at all. Why is it not

okay to say that you won't stand for certain things

but it is okay for others to come first? That was not

really a question but rather a thought that I just had

to type here. You know a minister said it best when

he said " If you don't stand for something you will

fall for anything " and we are tired of falling even

though when we fall we get back up. Its time to stand

and stay standing. Take care of you Francisco and

always make sure your needs are met because you don't

have to settle. Take care!

Pam Marsh

--- manisodream wrote:

> Pam:

>

> That's a different perspective I never even

> considered. Thanks for

> helping me see it from a different point of view.

>

> There are a couple of other issues that I didn't

> mention: Chip is

> open to (and has attended) a sister church to my

> own. It would be a

> dream come true to be able to share church with

> someone I loved.

> Some people may find that a strange dream coming

> from a gay person,

> but people don't know the pain that is associated

> with being rejected

> and excluded from other churches. Chip has a real

> spiritual

> component to his personality which draws me to him

> and him to me.

>

> Steve was very cynical about church. So that would

> be another thing

> I would have to " convince " him to change.

>

> I have such a big job taking care of my changes that

> I'm not sure I

> want to take on someone else's stuff in regards to

> healthy living and

> spirituality.

>

> And my goodness, this is going to sound really

> snobbish, but Chip

> is better educated, more refined, and better off

> financially. I've

> become rather selective in the men I date. Before,

> I wouldn't have

> thought I was good enough. Now for some reason,

> most of the guys

> I've dated are doctors, lawyers, research

> biologists, architects, and

> business owners. Interestingly, these guys have

> just as many issues

> as anyone. That's been a real education.

>

> My needs weren't met in my last relationship, and I

> won't settle this

> time. I guess I now know that I deserve the dream.

>

> I know no one is perfect, let alone me (my goodness

> I am IMPERFECTION

> embodied--perfectly flawed, imperfectly flawless,

> thoroughly

> lovable), but all those factors play a role in

> attraction, especially

> since I'm not just looking for a boyfriend, but a

> potential life-

> partner.

>

> So I'm looking for the whole package--enough of the

> good stuff to

> keep me interested, and sufficiently light carry-on

> baggage so that

> I'm not overwhelmed.

>

> I wonder if that makes sense. Maybe what I'm doing

> is trying to make

> sure that my needs are met, and that's a new thing.

> Before, I let

> everyone else's needs come before mine. Now I know

> that it's OK for

> my needs to be met too.

>

> Francisco

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> > > Hello everyone:

> > >

> > > Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my

> > > life.

> > >

> > > I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip.

> When

> > > deciding on whether

> > > I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some

> > > friends, one of whom

> > > is a therapist. There are issues with Steve

> that

> > > might not make him

> > > an ideal match.

> > >

> > > The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of

> TV

> > > watching, slight

> > > weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit

> > > smoking. He works

> > > from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar

> manager

> > > so that means

> > > working nights, weekends and holidays--all the

> times

> > > I'm off of work.

> > >

> > > I have to think of my recovery from morbid

> obesity.

> > > Living alone, I

> > > can control what food comes into my house. The

> > > prospect of

> > > eventually living with someone is another story.

> > >

> > > Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he

> > > encouraged me to have a

> > > beer, which of course I didn't because I don't

> > > drink. There was an

> > > ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that,

> " Hey,

> > > you gotta let go

> > > and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That

> > > mindset does not work

> > > for me. I don't want to have to fight against

> > > someone who could turn

> > > into an enabler.

> > >

> > > Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric

> bypass),

> > > on the other

> > > hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and

> > > active. It's a

> > > normal way of being for him, and that just fits

> in

> > > better with my now

> > > active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate

> > > together, he didn't

> > > even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the

> > > fries, the bun or the

> > > cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask

> and

> > > make a big deal

> > > out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in

> training

> > > for a marathon,

> > > and as such, I need to fuel my body the right

> way.

> > >

> > > I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my

> > > recovery from morbid

> > > obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He

> asked,

> > > " Would you date

> > > someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said,

> > > " There's your answer.

> > > Your recovery must remain a focus of your

> life--a

> > > focus, not THE

> > > focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries

> down

> > > just for a man.

> > > You don't want to go back to the old ways that

> kept

> > > you morbidly

> > > obese. "

> > >

> > > So... that's something I never thought would be

> an

> > > issue with

> > > finding a man. Dating just gets more

> complicated,

> > > but I'm determined

>

=== message truncated ===

__________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Pam:

I so appreciate your point of view. I know exactly what you are

talking about.

It's really hard, really, really hard to get out of taking care of

everyone else first.

I remember the first time Gity (at Kaiser SSF) told us in a support

group, " It's OK for your needs to come first sometimes. " That was a

wake up call to me. I've been a care-taker, people pleaser my whole

life. I still work at it.

Thanks for your support.

Francisco

> > >

> > > > Hello everyone:

> > > >

> > > > Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my

> > > > life.

> > > >

> > > > I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip.

> > When

> > > > deciding on whether

> > > > I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some

> > > > friends, one of whom

> > > > is a therapist. There are issues with Steve

> > that

> > > > might not make him

> > > > an ideal match.

> > > >

> > > > The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of

> > TV

> > > > watching, slight

> > > > weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit

> > > > smoking. He works

> > > > from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar

> > manager

> > > > so that means

> > > > working nights, weekends and holidays--all the

> > times

> > > > I'm off of work.

> > > >

> > > > I have to think of my recovery from morbid

> > obesity.

> > > > Living alone, I

> > > > can control what food comes into my house. The

> > > > prospect of

> > > > eventually living with someone is another story.

> > > >

> > > > Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he

> > > > encouraged me to have a

> > > > beer, which of course I didn't because I don't

> > > > drink. There was an

> > > > ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that,

> > " Hey,

> > > > you gotta let go

> > > > and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That

> > > > mindset does not work

> > > > for me. I don't want to have to fight against

> > > > someone who could turn

> > > > into an enabler.

> > > >

> > > > Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric

> > bypass),

> > > > on the other

> > > > hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and

> > > > active. It's a

> > > > normal way of being for him, and that just fits

> > in

> > > > better with my now

> > > > active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate

> > > > together, he didn't

> > > > even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the

> > > > fries, the bun or the

> > > > cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask

> > and

> > > > make a big deal

> > > > out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in

> > training

> > > > for a marathon,

> > > > and as such, I need to fuel my body the right

> > way.

> > > >

> > > > I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my

> > > > recovery from morbid

> > > > obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He

> > asked,

> > > > " Would you date

> > > > someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said,

> > > > " There's your answer.

> > > > Your recovery must remain a focus of your

> > life--a

> > > > focus, not THE

> > > > focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries

> > down

> > > > just for a man.

> > > > You don't want to go back to the old ways that

> > kept

> > > > you morbidly

> > > > obese. "

> > > >

> > > > So... that's something I never thought would be

> > an

> > > > issue with

> > > > finding a man. Dating just gets more

> > complicated,

> > > > but I'm determined

> >

> === message truncated ===

>

>

>

>

> __________________________________________

> Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

> Just $16.99/mo. or less.

> dsl.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Anytime hon and I do wish you well. By the way, I

never said it to you before but I sure am glad that

you are back on here :>)

Pam Marsh

--- manisodream wrote:

> Pam:

>

> I so appreciate your point of view. I know exactly

> what you are

> talking about.

>

> It's really hard, really, really hard to get out of

> taking care of

> everyone else first.

>

> I remember the first time Gity (at Kaiser SSF) told

> us in a support

> group, " It's OK for your needs to come first

> sometimes. " That was a

> wake up call to me. I've been a care-taker, people

> pleaser my whole

> life. I still work at it.

>

> Thanks for your support.

>

> Francisco

>

>

> > > >

> > > > > Hello everyone:

> > > > >

> > > > > Here's the boundary issue coming up again in

> my

> > > > > life.

> > > > >

>

=== message truncated ===

__________________________________________

Yahoo! DSL – Something to write home about.

Just $16.99/mo. or less.

dsl.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Francisco Keeping your boundaries of who you are and what you need to keep this life long journey going right and to be happy is complicated. You must do it and in the end you then will find some one who respects what you need and want and you both will be much happier. I wish you luck. Take care. Donnamanisodream wrote: Hello everyone:Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my life.I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When deciding on whether I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some friends, one of whom is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that might not make him an ideal match.The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV watching, slight weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just

quit smoking. He works from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager so that means working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times I'm off of work.I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity. Living alone, I can control what food comes into my house. The prospect of eventually living with someone is another story.Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he encouraged me to have a beer, which of course I didn't because I don't drink. There was an ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, "Hey, you gotta let go and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink." That mindset does not work for me. I don't want to have to fight against someone who could turn into an enabler.Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass), on the other hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and active. It's a normal way of being for him, and that just fits in better with my now

active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate together, he didn't even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the fries, the bun or the cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and make a big deal out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training for a marathon, and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.I asked my therapist friend, "How much should my recovery from morbid obesity influence whom I chose to date?" He asked, "Would you date someone who smokes?" I said, "No." He said, "There's your answer. Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a focus, not THE focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down just for a man. You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept you morbidly obese."So... that's something I never thought would be an issue with finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated, but I'm determined that

my recovery will never be negotiable.My needs for my recovery must always remain a priority in my life. That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.Francisco Donna JordonDSJordon@...

Yahoo! Photos Ring in the New Year with Photo Calendars. Add photos, events, holidays, whatever.

[Guest guest]

Francisco Keeping your boundaries of who you are and what you need to keep this life long journey going right and to be happy is complicated. You must do it and in the end you then will find some one who respects what you need and want and you both will be much happier. I wish you luck. Take care. Donnamanisodream wrote: Hello everyone:Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my life.I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When deciding on whether I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some friends, one of whom is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that might not make him an ideal match.The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV watching, slight weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just

quit smoking. He works from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager so that means working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times I'm off of work.I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity. Living alone, I can control what food comes into my house. The prospect of eventually living with someone is another story.Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he encouraged me to have a beer, which of course I didn't because I don't drink. There was an ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, "Hey, you gotta let go and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink." That mindset does not work for me. I don't want to have to fight against someone who could turn into an enabler.Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass), on the other hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and active. It's a normal way of being for him, and that just fits in better with my now

active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate together, he didn't even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the fries, the bun or the cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and make a big deal out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training for a marathon, and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.I asked my therapist friend, "How much should my recovery from morbid obesity influence whom I chose to date?" He asked, "Would you date someone who smokes?" I said, "No." He said, "There's your answer. Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a focus, not THE focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down just for a man. You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept you morbidly obese."So... that's something I never thought would be an issue with finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated, but I'm determined that

my recovery will never be negotiable.My needs for my recovery must always remain a priority in my life. That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.Francisco Donna JordonDSJordon@...

Yahoo! Photos Ring in the New Year with Photo Calendars. Add photos, events, holidays, whatever.

[Guest guest]

Francisco - sounds like your have already made up your mind. You

have worked hard and deserve to not " just settle " . I would give Chip

3 extra points just for the church issue. Life is hard enough (as we

all know) not to have a partner with the same belief, wants and

feelings as we have. I just from your notes I can tell what a great

guy you must be (wish I wasn't marries and you weren't guy). You have

waited a long time, wait just a little long and make a wise choice.

Like I said, you deserve it. Good Luck.

p.s. when was your surgery?

> >

> > > Hello everyone:

> > >

> > > Here's the boundary issue coming up again in my

> > > life.

> > >

> > > I've been dating two guys: Steve and Chip. When

> > > deciding on whether

> > > I should continue to see Steve I spoke to some

> > > friends, one of whom

> > > is a therapist. There are issues with Steve that

> > > might not make him

> > > an ideal match.

> > >

> > > The biggest issue is his life-style. Lot's of TV

> > > watching, slight

> > > weight problem. Lots of junk food. Just quit

> > > smoking. He works

> > > from 3 PM - 11PM, and he's a restaurant/bar manager

> > > so that means

> > > working nights, weekends and holidays--all the times

> > > I'm off of work.

> > >

> > > I have to think of my recovery from morbid obesity.

> > > Living alone, I

> > > can control what food comes into my house. The

> > > prospect of

> > > eventually living with someone is another story.

> > >

> > > Steve knows about my gastric bypass, yet he

> > > encouraged me to have a

> > > beer, which of course I didn't because I don't

> > > drink. There was an

> > > ever-so-slight yet detectable feeling that, " Hey,

> > > you gotta let go

> > > and enjoy... so let's eat up and drink. " That

> > > mindset does not work

> > > for me. I don't want to have to fight against

> > > someone who could turn

> > > into an enabler.

> > >

> > > Chip (who doesn't yet know about my gastric bypass),

> > > on the other

> > > hand, eats very healthfully, and he's sporty and

> > > active. It's a

> > > normal way of being for him, and that just fits in

> > > better with my now

> > > active, non-TV-watching-life-style. When we ate

> > > together, he didn't

> > > even notice how I was eating (didn't touch the

> > > fries, the bun or the

> > > cole slaw). Or if he did notice, he didn't ask and

> > > make a big deal

> > > out of it. He knows, however, that I'm in training

> > > for a marathon,

> > > and as such, I need to fuel my body the right way.

> > >

> > > I asked my therapist friend, " How much should my

> > > recovery from morbid

> > > obesity influence whom I chose to date? " He asked,

> > > " Would you date

> > > someone who smokes? " I said, " No. " He said,

> > > " There's your answer.

> > > Your recovery must remain a focus of your life--a

> > > focus, not THE

> > > focus. You can't let your recovery boundaries down

> > > just for a man.

> > > You don't want to go back to the old ways that kept

> > > you morbidly

> > > obese. "

> > >

> > > So... that's something I never thought would be an

> > > issue with

> > > finding a man. Dating just gets more complicated,

> > > but I'm determined

> > > that my recovery will never be negotiable.

> > >

> > > My needs for my recovery must always remain a

> > > priority in my life.

> > > That's the price I have to pay for my freedom.

> > >

> > > Francisco

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> > __________________________________________________

> >