Two victories and other stuff. Don't read if offended

[Guest guest]

Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you had the

surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual, was

that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing you

can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said this

before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you are

doing it. Love, Lilka

[Guest guest]

Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you had the

surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual, was

that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing you

can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said this

before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you are

doing it. Love, Lilka

[Guest guest]

I think it was because of my own rejection and my husband has never

been the initiator and I took that as rejection too. Now having talked

about it, he thought I wasnt interested in HIM..go figure!

>

> Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you had

the

> surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual, was

> that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

> dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing you

> can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said this

> before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you are

> doing it. Love, Lilka

>

[Guest guest]

I think it was because of my own rejection and my husband has never

been the initiator and I took that as rejection too. Now having talked

about it, he thought I wasnt interested in HIM..go figure!

>

> Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you had

the

> surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual, was

> that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

> dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing you

> can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said this

> before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you are

> doing it. Love, Lilka

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you

had

> the

> > surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual,

was

> > that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

> > dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing

you

> > can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said

this

> > before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you

are

> > doing it. Love, Lilka

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you

had

> the

> > surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual,

was

> > that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

> > dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing

you

> > can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said

this

> > before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you

are

> > doing it. Love, Lilka

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It is a very good thing to do, . I'm proud of you. For me, I failed to talk to Steve about it...or when I did talk to him, he was very uncomfortable and tended to just blame me. He never admitted that my weight was an issue until after we had been separated for a long time (and after I was losing weight and had my solution to my weight problem-- in the surgery-- in hand. He knew how hard it had been for me to lose weight, and he was always supportive, regardless of my weight.) For him, he said that it wasn't that he wasn't attracted to me, he always found me beautiful, but that he felt I quit trying. I never wore (in his mind) sexy lingerie, etc. The problem is that I couldn't find any that fit me. Most lingerie for larger sized people assume you have enormous breasts and booty, neither which was the case for me. Also, I have a longish torso, so frequently things just "cut me up the middle" if you know what I

mean. Things didn't fit. So, it's true...I didn't feel particularly sexy, which was exacerbated by my perception that he wasn't interested in me sexually. He was always very faithful...but I never got the sense that he was a highly sexual person. He adored me, and he always told me I was beautiful. he frequently touched me...but never seemed to want to have sex. And even when I initiated, he sometimes would beg off...which was very hard on my sense of self. Also, the sex itself wasn't that satisfying...in part because I didn't feel any heat coming from him. That's what made me vulnerable to the attentions/affections of two other men. While I didn't actually commit adultery in the technical sense, I did transfer my passions to both of them..and that was a form of infidelity. I tried talking to him, but it was a hard topic, and when he wasn't

very open, I felt rejected or like it wasn't important to him...and I felt humiliated. So, the bottom line? I am now a couple of months away from the finalization of a divorce from somebody that I loved very very much...and I am now applying the "lessons learned" from that failure to a new relationship. That makes me very sad, sometimes. Because we had 12 years invested, and there were so many things that were very positive in that relationship...and now, all is lost. He found out about (we had been separated for more than a year before I met , and more than 20 months before we ever took our relationship to a physical level.) He felt very betrayed, even though I thought I had been clear that we could date during our separation. So, for him...it's over. The door is shut...and now he'll be dating, and probably being more cognizant of the bad habits we got into...making sure that he and his new person don't

get caught up in the little silent wars that tear apart a sexual relationship. With , on the sexual front, it's much easier. Partly because I feel more attractive, I am more attractive now. He is very attracted to me, and is a very sexual being. We have little issues of adjustment (his idea of a tidy home is my idea of a junkyard), and so I've had to have a couple of serious talks with him about those things. You know, I'm like a nag now. It's hard after living alone for a couple of years, and having a peaceful tidy home that is just "so". Olivier (the brat) found out that this was a point of contention for me, and so he's making a ponit of reminding me how neat he is... Anyway...the point of all of this is that a marriage is worth the struggle...it's worth the uncomfortable discussions. My big regret is that by the time I owned up to how

important the lack of sex issue was in our marriage...I was already emotionally involved with somebody else...and so I wasn't able to give our marriage 100% at the point where I finally started getting his attention as to the fact that the lack of sex was a BIG problem for me. This will be a regret I carry for the rest of my life. So, ...talk talk talk. Be honest. Force him to talk. Do whatever it takes. In the end, if it doesn't work out, you will be sad and lost. It's normal. But at least you wont be plagued with the regrets that I carry with me. Good luck, Robynn Diane Duenas wrote: I think it was because of my own rejection and my husband has never been the initiator and I

took that as rejection too. Now having talked about it, he thought I wasnt interested in HIM..go figure!>> Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you had the > surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual, was > that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my > dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing you > can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said this > before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you are > doing it. Love, Lilka>

[Guest guest]

It is a very good thing to do, . I'm proud of you. For me, I failed to talk to Steve about it...or when I did talk to him, he was very uncomfortable and tended to just blame me. He never admitted that my weight was an issue until after we had been separated for a long time (and after I was losing weight and had my solution to my weight problem-- in the surgery-- in hand. He knew how hard it had been for me to lose weight, and he was always supportive, regardless of my weight.) For him, he said that it wasn't that he wasn't attracted to me, he always found me beautiful, but that he felt I quit trying. I never wore (in his mind) sexy lingerie, etc. The problem is that I couldn't find any that fit me. Most lingerie for larger sized people assume you have enormous breasts and booty, neither which was the case for me. Also, I have a longish torso, so frequently things just "cut me up the middle" if you know what I

mean. Things didn't fit. So, it's true...I didn't feel particularly sexy, which was exacerbated by my perception that he wasn't interested in me sexually. He was always very faithful...but I never got the sense that he was a highly sexual person. He adored me, and he always told me I was beautiful. he frequently touched me...but never seemed to want to have sex. And even when I initiated, he sometimes would beg off...which was very hard on my sense of self. Also, the sex itself wasn't that satisfying...in part because I didn't feel any heat coming from him. That's what made me vulnerable to the attentions/affections of two other men. While I didn't actually commit adultery in the technical sense, I did transfer my passions to both of them..and that was a form of infidelity. I tried talking to him, but it was a hard topic, and when he wasn't

very open, I felt rejected or like it wasn't important to him...and I felt humiliated. So, the bottom line? I am now a couple of months away from the finalization of a divorce from somebody that I loved very very much...and I am now applying the "lessons learned" from that failure to a new relationship. That makes me very sad, sometimes. Because we had 12 years invested, and there were so many things that were very positive in that relationship...and now, all is lost. He found out about (we had been separated for more than a year before I met , and more than 20 months before we ever took our relationship to a physical level.) He felt very betrayed, even though I thought I had been clear that we could date during our separation. So, for him...it's over. The door is shut...and now he'll be dating, and probably being more cognizant of the bad habits we got into...making sure that he and his new person don't

get caught up in the little silent wars that tear apart a sexual relationship. With , on the sexual front, it's much easier. Partly because I feel more attractive, I am more attractive now. He is very attracted to me, and is a very sexual being. We have little issues of adjustment (his idea of a tidy home is my idea of a junkyard), and so I've had to have a couple of serious talks with him about those things. You know, I'm like a nag now. It's hard after living alone for a couple of years, and having a peaceful tidy home that is just "so". Olivier (the brat) found out that this was a point of contention for me, and so he's making a ponit of reminding me how neat he is... Anyway...the point of all of this is that a marriage is worth the struggle...it's worth the uncomfortable discussions. My big regret is that by the time I owned up to how

important the lack of sex issue was in our marriage...I was already emotionally involved with somebody else...and so I wasn't able to give our marriage 100% at the point where I finally started getting his attention as to the fact that the lack of sex was a BIG problem for me. This will be a regret I carry for the rest of my life. So, ...talk talk talk. Be honest. Force him to talk. Do whatever it takes. In the end, if it doesn't work out, you will be sad and lost. It's normal. But at least you wont be plagued with the regrets that I carry with me. Good luck, Robynn Diane Duenas wrote: I think it was because of my own rejection and my husband has never been the initiator and I

took that as rejection too. Now having talked about it, he thought I wasnt interested in HIM..go figure!>> Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you had the > surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual, was > that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my > dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing you > can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said this > before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you are > doing it. Love, Lilka>

[Guest guest]

Very well put Robynn and I can relate so much into what you have

written. I took realized I wasnt putting enough attention on him and

my marriage. Im doing that now and am so happy. Things are really

good.

> >

> > Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you

had

> the

> > surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual,

was

> > that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

> > dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing

you

> > can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said

this

> > before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you

are

> > doing it. Love, Lilka

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Very well put Robynn and I can relate so much into what you have

written. I took realized I wasnt putting enough attention on him and

my marriage. Im doing that now and am so happy. Things are really

good.

> >

> > Hi . When you talked about your relationship before you

had

> the

> > surgery, and you indicated that it was you who was not sexual,

was

> > that due to your own rejection of yourself or due to pain? In my

> > dissertation, I found that communication is the very best thing

you

> > can do to repair or to have a good sex life. I may have said

this

> > before but it is so important. I am very happy for you that you

are

> > doing it. Love, Lilka

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>