Empty hole in heart

[Guest guest]

Dear Francisco, How can I thank you enough for your long and

thoughtful and loveful letter? This is, indeed, a great Christmas

gift. Maybe one of the best I will receive this year. I am

continuing to lose weight so this has nothing to do with that. I

think my fears are that I have been disappointed so often in years

past by diets and " Last chance " programs. With the greatest of

powers, the deepest of searching, O A, therapies, friends, self

acceptance, writing a whole dissertation of the sexuality of large

women, etc, I have not been able to fill up the hole in my heart and

I have resorted to food each time. I see how we lose weight on this

program but I do not see how we keep it off any better than we have

before. This frightens me. This frightens me a lot. My own daughter

who has had a weight problem since she was a baby (always wanted

more), has been in OA for years and she has recently started a web

site called GoWithLove.com. She has said essentially what you said

to me. In all that you think, in all that you feel, in all that you

do, go with love. It has worked for her and now she is sharing this

great idea with others in the hope of helping others improve their

self esteem. I have not been able to internalize it enough yet. I

don't know if I can. I have made progress but I can't say " I got

it " . I know I will have a tool to work with I never had before. I

know that the tool will keep me away from sugar and fats for a

while. Have I looked at my hole in my heart? Yes, but I think it has

been there since I was six and I think its consequences have

permeated into many other aspects of my life. Today, in my support

group, we talked about befriending it, looking at it and talking

with it. I usually just go unconscious when it is around. Since I

have been trying to lose the 10%, I just go to bed when it is

around. Your ideas were so helpful in reminding me to play, to look

for all the best in life. I know what you mean by that lamp in

Oakland. I have a similar love of life and the world around me as

you do. I have undermined myself too much and brought myself to this

day when I weigh so much I can hardly function. I will look at my

skepticism and cynicism, and my disappointment and I will once again

tell myself that I have matured now and will learn to function

within the rules of the pouch. Thanks so much. Lilka

[Guest guest]

Dear Francisco, How can I thank you enough for your long and

thoughtful and loveful letter? This is, indeed, a great Christmas

gift. Maybe one of the best I will receive this year. I am

continuing to lose weight so this has nothing to do with that. I

think my fears are that I have been disappointed so often in years

past by diets and " Last chance " programs. With the greatest of

powers, the deepest of searching, O A, therapies, friends, self

acceptance, writing a whole dissertation of the sexuality of large

women, etc, I have not been able to fill up the hole in my heart and

I have resorted to food each time. I see how we lose weight on this

program but I do not see how we keep it off any better than we have

before. This frightens me. This frightens me a lot. My own daughter

who has had a weight problem since she was a baby (always wanted

more), has been in OA for years and she has recently started a web

site called GoWithLove.com. She has said essentially what you said

to me. In all that you think, in all that you feel, in all that you

do, go with love. It has worked for her and now she is sharing this

great idea with others in the hope of helping others improve their

self esteem. I have not been able to internalize it enough yet. I

don't know if I can. I have made progress but I can't say " I got

it " . I know I will have a tool to work with I never had before. I

know that the tool will keep me away from sugar and fats for a

while. Have I looked at my hole in my heart? Yes, but I think it has

been there since I was six and I think its consequences have

permeated into many other aspects of my life. Today, in my support

group, we talked about befriending it, looking at it and talking

with it. I usually just go unconscious when it is around. Since I

have been trying to lose the 10%, I just go to bed when it is

around. Your ideas were so helpful in reminding me to play, to look

for all the best in life. I know what you mean by that lamp in

Oakland. I have a similar love of life and the world around me as

you do. I have undermined myself too much and brought myself to this

day when I weigh so much I can hardly function. I will look at my

skepticism and cynicism, and my disappointment and I will once again

tell myself that I have matured now and will learn to function

within the rules of the pouch. Thanks so much. Lilka

[Guest guest]

Lilka We'll all be here for you. I know it's a hard decision, but we are here. DonnaLilka wrote: Dear Francisco, How can I thank you enough for your long and thoughtful and loveful letter? This is, indeed, a great Christmas gift. Maybe one of the best I will receive this year. I am continuing to lose weight so this has nothing to do with that. I think my fears are that I have been disappointed so often in years past by diets and "Last chance" programs. With the greatest of powers, the deepest of searching, O A, therapies, friends, self acceptance, writing a whole dissertation of the sexuality of large women, etc, I have not been able to fill up the hole in my heart and I have resorted to food each time. I see how we lose weight on this

program but I do not see how we keep it off any better than we have before. This frightens me. This frightens me a lot. My own daughter who has had a weight problem since she was a baby (always wanted more), has been in OA for years and she has recently started a web site called GoWithLove.com. She has said essentially what you said to me. In all that you think, in all that you feel, in all that you do, go with love. It has worked for her and now she is sharing this great idea with others in the hope of helping others improve their self esteem. I have not been able to internalize it enough yet. I don't know if I can. I have made progress but I can't say "I got it". I know I will have a tool to work with I never had before. I know that the tool will keep me away from sugar and fats for a while. Have I looked at my hole in my heart? Yes, but I think it has been there since I was six and I think its consequences

have permeated into many other aspects of my life. Today, in my support group, we talked about befriending it, looking at it and talking with it. I usually just go unconscious when it is around. Since I have been trying to lose the 10%, I just go to bed when it is around. Your ideas were so helpful in reminding me to play, to look for all the best in life. I know what you mean by that lamp in Oakland. I have a similar love of life and the world around me as you do. I have undermined myself too much and brought myself to this day when I weigh so much I can hardly function. I will look at my skepticism and cynicism, and my disappointment and I will once again tell myself that I have matured now and will learn to function within the rules of the pouch. Thanks so much. Lilka Donna JordonDSJordon@...__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Lilka:

You're welcome. Remember, this all takes practice. I didn't wake up

one morning and suddenly love myself, but with practice it really

works. Changing those negative internal tapes is such an effort; I

really wasn't aware of what I was saying to myself until Gity (KSSF

psychologist) encouraged us to listen to the interior voice of what

we say to ourselves.

To this day, I still have to work at it. I know that auto-pilot

doesn't work for me, so I have to remain mindful, about what I eat,

how I exercise, and what I say to myself.

But the rewards are so great. The freedom I feel now is something I

don't ever want to take for granted. If you can believe it, when I

start my running in the mornings (I run 3 times a week), I begin to

smile because I'm still so happy I can move in ways I never could

before.

It's like I feel I've been given wings that I'm finally using, and at

last, at long last, I have achieved flight. Speaking of wings, I

remember something I heard a very smart woman say:

" Each of us is born with two wings. One is the wing of grace and one

is the wing of will. The wing of grace is a gift from God that will

flap for you forever. The other wing represents all of our best

intentions and efforts--the " will " we put into our lives. When we

make the wing of will flap as hard and as strong as the wing of

grace, that's when we begin to soar. "

I really believe, like your daughter, that what fuels that wing of

will is love.

You're already beginning to achieve flight. Enjoy as much of it as

you can because the views for up here are breathtaking. And sadly,

there are relatively few people who are lucky enough to see such

wonders.

Francisco

>

> Dear Francisco, How can I thank you enough for your long and

> thoughtful and loveful letter? This is, indeed, a great Christmas

> gift. Maybe one of the best I will receive this year. I am

> continuing to lose weight so this has nothing to do with that. I

> think my fears are that I have been disappointed so often in years

> past by diets and " Last chance " programs. With the greatest of

> powers, the deepest of searching, O A, therapies, friends, self

> acceptance, writing a whole dissertation of the sexuality of large

> women, etc, I have not been able to fill up the hole in my heart

and

> I have resorted to food each time. I see how we lose weight on this

> program but I do not see how we keep it off any better than we have

> before. This frightens me. This frightens me a lot. My own daughter

> who has had a weight problem since she was a baby (always wanted

> more), has been in OA for years and she has recently started a web

> site called GoWithLove.com. She has said essentially what you said

> to me. In all that you think, in all that you feel, in all that you

> do, go with love. It has worked for her and now she is sharing this

> great idea with others in the hope of helping others improve their

> self esteem. I have not been able to internalize it enough yet. I

> don't know if I can. I have made progress but I can't say " I got

> it " . I know I will have a tool to work with I never had before. I

> know that the tool will keep me away from sugar and fats for a

> while. Have I looked at my hole in my heart? Yes, but I think it

has

> been there since I was six and I think its consequences have

> permeated into many other aspects of my life. Today, in my support

> group, we talked about befriending it, looking at it and talking

> with it. I usually just go unconscious when it is around. Since I

> have been trying to lose the 10%, I just go to bed when it is

> around. Your ideas were so helpful in reminding me to play, to look

> for all the best in life. I know what you mean by that lamp in

> Oakland. I have a similar love of life and the world around me as

> you do. I have undermined myself too much and brought myself to

this

> day when I weigh so much I can hardly function. I will look at my

> skepticism and cynicism, and my disappointment and I will once

again

> tell myself that I have matured now and will learn to function

> within the rules of the pouch. Thanks so much. Lilka

>