RE: Getting my son into college

[Guest guest]

Now, Mom, calm down! And make sure that his tetanus shot is current before you use that rusty tool!

Maybe he's just not ready to go to college. I was a straight A student in high school, with a fairly high IQ (not genius, mind you), but I didn't go to college until two years after I graduated h.s. Part of it was that I had no idea what I wanted to study, and part of it was that I was sick of school! I also had to do it all myself. When the time was right, I got the financial aid, and off I went to nursing school. I've known lots of people over the years (including my son) who started college right out of high school, only to drop out in the first year or so. Have you asked him if there is a reason he's holding back? Or if he doesn't want to talk to you about it, maybe another adult, like a teacher or counselor, maybe youth pastor, can get him to open up about it.

Another thought I have is, does he have a history of this kind of behavior, or is it just the college issue? I didn't find out until years later that my son Brad has ADD; I just thought he was lazy, disorganized & a procrastinator!

Hope this helps. Another mom/grandma who understands, Rose

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

A merry heart is good medicine. Proverbs 17:22Can you find the hidden words?  Take a break and play Seekadoo! Play now!

[Guest guest]

Now, Mom, calm down! And make sure that his tetanus shot is current before you use that rusty tool!

Maybe he's just not ready to go to college. I was a straight A student in high school, with a fairly high IQ (not genius, mind you), but I didn't go to college until two years after I graduated h.s. Part of it was that I had no idea what I wanted to study, and part of it was that I was sick of school! I also had to do it all myself. When the time was right, I got the financial aid, and off I went to nursing school. I've known lots of people over the years (including my son) who started college right out of high school, only to drop out in the first year or so. Have you asked him if there is a reason he's holding back? Or if he doesn't want to talk to you about it, maybe another adult, like a teacher or counselor, maybe youth pastor, can get him to open up about it.

Another thought I have is, does he have a history of this kind of behavior, or is it just the college issue? I didn't find out until years later that my son Brad has ADD; I just thought he was lazy, disorganized & a procrastinator!

Hope this helps. Another mom/grandma who understands, Rose

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

A merry heart is good medicine. Proverbs 17:22Can you find the hidden words?  Take a break and play Seekadoo! Play now!

[Guest guest]

-I dont know if you enabling him or not, weve heard both sides of the

story but we did the same thing with ours and now that hes in his

sixth and last year of construction management and vying between 6ht

and 7th in his class at wsu we had to fight for his funding so that he

could get a better deal because of my illness, ($85,000 in doc bills

does make a diff if you have the proff and are willing to fight), he

however was willing to sit on his butt while we did the fighting, he

ended up owing nothing or next to it for this years schooling that

brings his total bill owing after six years of school to about $30,000

instead of the $120,000 he had expected, I guess thats not a bad trade

off for my health?????????????????????? Well Im not so sure about

that one, but anyway youll have to decide ours was that getting him

through school so that he would have the life we wanted for him was

more important than worrying about when he was going to grow up enough

to get off his duff and do things for himself.

-- In Neurosarcoidosis , " Naa Koshie O. Mills "

wrote:

>

> Hello All,

>

> This is so off topic from what is being discussed in group, but I

wanted to find out if anyone else has gone through or is currently

going through this. My son is a senior in high school. This kid is

BRILLIANT but besides getting good grades, he is not doing anything to

actually get into college. To get him to simply give me his choices of

schools, was like an act of Congress. I give him tasks to complete

with deadlines and he doesn't follow through. Now, I know teenagers

can be flaky, so I don't give him too much instruction at once. But

GOOD GRIEF this kid hasn't completed anything I have asked him to do.

I'm not exaggerating, nothing! I am allowing this kid to seriously

stress me out.

>

> When I graduated from high school, I got myself into college and

found my own apartment off campus and got myself a job to pay for it

all. I didn't depend on my parents to get anything done for me. Well,

as the oldest of five children, my mother had already told me that if

I wanted to get into school, I better do it by myself cuz they had no

money for me for school and she had to deal with the rest of my

siblings (one of whom was in drug rehab at the time).

>

> Anywhoooo...

>

> I'm just so angry right now because he missed a deadline to schedule

all the prospective college's open house dates and put them on the

calendar, so I went and did it. Am I enabling him by doing all the leg

work when he doesn't? I don't know. He says he wants to go to college,

but Geez...

>

> If I don't get a response about this, I'm thankful that I at least

was able to vent my frustration. Cuz seriously, if I have to deal with

his attitude for another millisecond, Imma have to pick up something

blunt and rusty and do some damage.

>

> Naa Koshie

>

>

> " How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,

compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and

tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will

have been all of these. "

>

> ~ Washington Carver

>

[Guest guest]

-I dont know if you enabling him or not, weve heard both sides of the

story but we did the same thing with ours and now that hes in his

sixth and last year of construction management and vying between 6ht

and 7th in his class at wsu we had to fight for his funding so that he

could get a better deal because of my illness, ($85,000 in doc bills

does make a diff if you have the proff and are willing to fight), he

however was willing to sit on his butt while we did the fighting, he

ended up owing nothing or next to it for this years schooling that

brings his total bill owing after six years of school to about $30,000

instead of the $120,000 he had expected, I guess thats not a bad trade

off for my health?????????????????????? Well Im not so sure about

that one, but anyway youll have to decide ours was that getting him

through school so that he would have the life we wanted for him was

more important than worrying about when he was going to grow up enough

to get off his duff and do things for himself.

-- In Neurosarcoidosis , " Naa Koshie O. Mills "

wrote:

>

> Hello All,

>

> This is so off topic from what is being discussed in group, but I

wanted to find out if anyone else has gone through or is currently

going through this. My son is a senior in high school. This kid is

BRILLIANT but besides getting good grades, he is not doing anything to

actually get into college. To get him to simply give me his choices of

schools, was like an act of Congress. I give him tasks to complete

with deadlines and he doesn't follow through. Now, I know teenagers

can be flaky, so I don't give him too much instruction at once. But

GOOD GRIEF this kid hasn't completed anything I have asked him to do.

I'm not exaggerating, nothing! I am allowing this kid to seriously

stress me out.

>

> When I graduated from high school, I got myself into college and

found my own apartment off campus and got myself a job to pay for it

all. I didn't depend on my parents to get anything done for me. Well,

as the oldest of five children, my mother had already told me that if

I wanted to get into school, I better do it by myself cuz they had no

money for me for school and she had to deal with the rest of my

siblings (one of whom was in drug rehab at the time).

>

> Anywhoooo...

>

> I'm just so angry right now because he missed a deadline to schedule

all the prospective college's open house dates and put them on the

calendar, so I went and did it. Am I enabling him by doing all the leg

work when he doesn't? I don't know. He says he wants to go to college,

but Geez...

>

> If I don't get a response about this, I'm thankful that I at least

was able to vent my frustration. Cuz seriously, if I have to deal with

his attitude for another millisecond, Imma have to pick up something

blunt and rusty and do some damage.

>

> Naa Koshie

>

>

> " How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,

compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and

tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will

have been all of these. "

>

> ~ Washington Carver

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, Dude! It's good to see you posting. Re: getting kids into college. I didn't feel like I forced my son into starting college the fall after high school, but he told me later that he felt like he should go. Both of my daughters had dropped out of school, later getting GED's, so Brad was the first to actually graduate. He felt like I would be disappointed if he didn't go to college right away, plus most of his friends were going. He just didn't like it; couldn't decide what to study, and dropped out in the second semester. He never has gone back to college (dropped out 12 years ago), but he has done well professionally, even being a manager of a paint store & then the paint zone manager at Lowe's by the time he was 26. He doesn't do well in a traditional classroom setting, but learns quickly on the job & at seminars. He's got great people skills.

I think you just have to know your child, make the best decision you can, and then wait to see if you were right! My younger daughter, Ginny, is very bright, but needed constant prodding to get through school. Then after dropping out, getting pregnant & getting married, she got her GED, then put herself through a very challenging medical assistant program, along with separate classes for additional skills. She paid for all of it herself, and made A's, with no one but herself prodding her. She had started EMT classes last year, just before the pancreatitis started in again, planning eventually to become a paramedic. I hope she'll be able to return to school someday.

Boy, I wish there was truly a magic ball to help make these decisions.

Ramblin' Rose

Moderator

A merry heart is good medicine. Proverbs 17:22Kick back and relax with hot games and cool activities at the Messenger Café. Play now!

[Guest guest]

NaaKoshie,

I can so relate. Torey went so far as to blow off all the SAT testing, so he doesn't have that to fall back on. He was a 3.5 gpa all the way thru, and even with 2 yrs of Jr. college, still doesn't have his AA.

He realized it wasn't for him. He's been building custom homes for the last 6 yrs he's been outta school, and he makes decent money. But he thinks he wants to go to WA to a Heavy Equip Operators School, and move on from there. We'll see.

I know that it's hard, as he is living here at home, and pays for each semester registration fees, puts his books on his credit card, then pays them off while he works full time one semester, part time with full time classes the next, and back and forth.

I think it is just overwhelming to them. They can't say that to us, it would be 'unmanly" but it is what is happening.

Sit down, talk to him. Tell him you imagine that he is feeling overwhelmed, and that you understand. Shoot, it's overwhelming for you. That and he may not be ready to leave home yet.

This one calls for patience-- not to be mistaken for patients-- one we know all to well.

Love to you,

TracieSee what's new at AOL.com and Make AOL Your Homepage.

[Guest guest]

>

> Hello All,

>

> This is so off topic from what is being discussed in group, but I wanted to

find out if

anyone else has gone through or is currently going through this. My son is a

senior in high

school. This kid is BRILLIANT but besides getting good grades, he is not doing

anything to

actually get into college. To get him to simply give me his choices of schools,

was like an

act of Congress. I give him tasks to complete with deadlines and he doesn't

follow

through. Now, I know teenagers can be flaky, so I don't give him too much

instruction at

once. But GOOD GRIEF this kid hasn't completed anything I have asked him to do.

I'm not

exaggerating, nothing! I am allowing this kid to seriously stress me out.

>

> When I graduated from high school, I got myself into college and found my own

apartment off campus and got myself a job to pay for it all. I didn't depend on

my parents

to get anything done for me. Well, as the oldest of five children, my mother had

already

told me that if I wanted to get into school, I better do it by myself cuz they

had no money

for me for school and she had to deal with the rest of my siblings (one of whom

was in

drug rehab at the time).

>

> Anywhoooo...

>

> I'm just so angry right now because he missed a deadline to schedule all the

prospective

college's open house dates and put them on the calendar, so I went and did it.

Am I

enabling him by doing all the leg work when he doesn't? I don't know. He says he

wants to

go to college, but Geez...

>

> If I don't get a response about this, I'm thankful that I at least was able to

vent my

frustration. Cuz seriously, if I have to deal with his attitude for another

millisecond, Imma

have to pick up something blunt and rusty and do some damage.

>

> Naa Koshie

>

>

> " How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,

compassionate

with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the

strong.

Because someday in life you will have been all of these. "

>

> ~ Washington Carver

>

Dear Naa,

Your son sounds like my older brother-He was out of high school for more than

three

years before he decided to go to colledge. It took him more than four months to

decide on

a colledge (He choose one close to home) And than when he got in, He flunked out

in the

first semester. Mabe some people are just chronic underachievers. I hope this

is not true

of your son and that he will wake up and understand that this could effect the

rest of his

life. We're Praying for you and for him, Good Luck.

[Guest guest]

This is

just my 2 cents, I have a son who just finished high school in May, well when

he was in 9th, 10th, and so on, I kept telling him he

needed to keep his grades up to get into college, he is a smart kid but got

lazy one year, maybe 10th, anyway he missed getting into college

here local by 1 point, now he is doing his first year at Jr. College and has to

keep his grades up and be full time then he can transfer into College at

semester or next year, I think that now he wishes he would of listen, although

he is saving a ton of money by taking these classes at a Jr. College instead of

university.

I guess

my point is that we some times need to let them deal with their actions or lack

of.

My older

son is still home and not doing much, he has some mental health issues but I’ve

been told I am an enabler, and need to back out of the role, so guess I wasn’t

with the 2nd one and he is figuring it out for himself, does this

make any sense. I guess don’t make yourself crazy over it, if he

wants to go he will make it happen, myself like you was on my own for college

too, being one of 6, my parents were just happy when we graduated from high

school, college was up to me. I too was moved out living on my own

working full time going to night school. So sometimes I think we make

life too easy for them J I hope that helps?? Marla

From:

Neurosarcoidosis [mailto:Neurosarcoidosis ] On Behalf Of kathy_ceamoore

Sent: Friday, September 28, 2007

3:13 PM

To:

Neurosarcoidosis

Subject: Re: Getting

my son into college

>

> Hello All,

>

> This is so off topic from what is being discussed in group, but I wanted

to find out if

anyone else has gone through or is currently going through this. My son is a

senior in high

school. This kid is BRILLIANT but besides getting good grades, he is not doing

anything to

actually get into college. To get him to simply give me his choices of schools,

was like an

act of Congress. I give him tasks to complete with deadlines and he doesn't

follow

through. Now, I know teenagers can be flaky, so I don't give him too much

instruction at

once. But GOOD GRIEF this kid hasn't completed anything I have asked him to do.

I'm not

exaggerating, nothing! I am allowing this kid to seriously stress me out.

>

> When I graduated from high school, I got myself into college and found my

own

apartment off campus and got myself a job to pay for it all. I didn't depend on

my parents

to get anything done for me. Well, as the oldest of five children, my mother

had already

told me that if I wanted to get into school, I better do it by myself cuz they

had no money

for me for school and she had to deal with the rest of my siblings (one of whom

was in

drug rehab at the time).

>

> Anywhoooo...

>

> I'm just so angry right now because he missed a deadline to schedule all

the prospective

college's open house dates and put them on the calendar, so I went and did it.

Am I

enabling him by doing all the leg work when he doesn't? I don't know. He says

he wants to

go to college, but Geez...

>

> If I don't get a response about this, I'm thankful that I at least was

able to vent my

frustration. Cuz seriously, if I have to deal with his attitude for another

millisecond, Imma

have to pick up something blunt and rusty and do some damage.

>

> Naa Koshie

>

>

> " How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young,

compassionate

with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the

strong.

Because someday in life you will have been all of these. "

>

> ~ Washington Carver

>

Dear Naa,

Your son sounds like my older brother-He was out of high school for more than

three

years before he decided to go to colledge. It took him more than four months to

decide on

a colledge (He choose one close to home) And than when he got in, He flunked

out in the

first semester. Mabe some people are just chronic underachievers. I hope this

is not true

of your son and that he will wake up and understand that this could effect the

rest of his

life. We're Praying for you and for him, Good Luck.

[Guest guest]

Rose, I keep holding to the thought you told me last year, is that an alien has over taken his body and will bring him home around 26 or so.. I sure hope so, I miss him.. really bad..We had an awesome relationship, and as things go right now, I doubt that I'll see him after he turns 18, I found him looking emancipation last year.. of course he said he was just mad and had no intentions of doing that.. He turns 18 in January and I fully expect him to leave..even if he hasn't graduated... his friends of course has his head full of.. you can stay with me.. hmmm He thinks that all parents just lets their kids do what they want when they want, and that by me trying to keep a tab on him, even though he's driving my car is invading his privacy..I smell cigarette smoke in there.. and he's been known to do a litle drinking then driving home..not a good idea...

Anyway..for those of you that don't know.. My son is adopted.. I was a foster parent before sickness and took him in, loved him, and let my guard down and let him in my heart.. Its now broken..

Thanks all for listening..

RE: Re: Getting my son into college

This is just my 2 cents, I have a son who just finished high school in May, well when he was in 9th, 10th, and so on, I kept telling him he needed to keep his grades up to get into college, he is a smart kid but got lazy one year, maybe 10th, anyway he missed getting into college here local by 1 point, now he is doing his first year at Jr. College and has to keep his grades up and be full time then he can transfer into College at semester or next year, I think that now he wishes he would of listen, although he is saving a ton of money by taking these classes at a Jr. College instead of university.

I guess my point is that we some times need to let them deal with their actions or lack of.

My older son is still home and not doing much, he has some mental health issues but I’ve been told I am an enabler, and need to back out of the role, so guess I wasn’t with the 2nd one and he is figuring it out for himself, does this make any sense. I guess don’t make yourself crazy over it, if he wants to go he will make it happen, myself like you was on my own for college too, being one of 6, my parents were just happy when we graduated from high school, college was up to me. I too was moved out living on my own working full time going to night school. So sometimes I think we make life too easy for them J I hope that helps?? Marla

From: Neurosarcoidosis [mailto:Neurosarcoidosis ] On Behalf Of kathy_ceamooreSent: Friday, September 28, 2007 3:13 PMTo: Neurosarcoidosis Subject: Re: Getting my son into college

>> Hello All,> > This is so off topic from what is being discussed in group, but I wanted to find out if anyone else has gone through or is currently going through this. My son is a senior in high school. This kid is BRILLIANT but besides getting good grades, he is not doing anything to actually get into college. To get him to simply give me his choices of schools, was like an act of Congress. I give him tasks to complete with deadlines and he doesn't follow through. Now, I know teenagers can be flaky, so I don't give him too much instruction at once. But GOOD GRIEF this kid hasn't completed anything I have asked him to do. I'm not exaggerating, nothing! I am allowing this kid to seriously stress me out. > > When I graduated from high school, I got myself into college and found my own apartment off campus and got myself a job to pay for it all. I didn't depend on my parents to get anything done for me. Well, as the oldest of five children, my mother had already told me that if I wanted to get into school, I better do it by myself cuz they had no money for me for school and she had to deal with the rest of my siblings (one of whom was in drug rehab at the time).> > Anywhoooo...> > I'm just so angry right now because he missed a deadline to schedule all the prospective college's open house dates and put them on the calendar, so I went and did it. Am I enabling him by doing all the leg work when he doesn't? I don't know. He says he wants to go to college, but Geez...> > If I don't get a response about this, I'm thankful that I at least was able to vent my frustration. Cuz seriously, if I have to deal with his attitude for another millisecond, Imma have to pick up something blunt and rusty and do some damage.> > Naa Koshie> > > "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." > > ~ Washington Carver>Dear Naa,Your son sounds like my older brother-He was out of high school for more than three years before he decided to go to colledge. It took him more than four months to decide on a colledge (He choose one close to home) And than when he got in, He flunked out in the first semester. Mabe some people are just chronic underachievers. I hope this is not true of your son and that he will wake up and understand that this could effect the rest of his life. We're Praying for you and for him, Good Luck.

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[Guest guest]

Thanks Tracie, I know you guys are right.. and he has come back to his senses a little bit since Saturday.. it just stays in the back of my mind.. as I keep thinking, what did I do to cause him to be this way? You know I could almost take everything but the lying.. I've taught him that we can fix anything if he tells me the truth. Thanks for the encouragement.. to all of you thank you..

I don't get any help from anyone, that is an issue.. I'm not gonna get any help from anyone, don't know what to do about that, and it scares me.. Damian will at least go to the grocery store and occasionally mow the grass.. I know his senior year is a scary time...its scary for me too.. as he plans to go to college somewhere, next fall.. how? I have no clue.. we shall see I guess..

Thanks again,

Re: Getting my son into college

,

I can't help but respond to your pain about Damian. Over the years, I know you have had to climb some mountains-- just to be able to love him.

We take so personnally the rejections-- their drinking, their smoking, their lying, their sneaking out-- and lady-- IT'S NOT PERSONAL!!

He is trying to find "his" way-- and he hasn't a clue. What all the other friends he's hanging with are telling him-- is their concept of the "grass is greener."

We know the story, and we know that giving up the love and support he has isn't going to be replaced by anything functional elsewhere. The blind leading the blind is a good way to find yourself falling over the cliff.

Yet, sometimes it's that fall that makes them realize what they have. I know you need his help. I know that you don't get help from him or your parents. But lady, you cannot take his stuff as a personal failure. This happens even in "normal" homes.

It may take awhile, but Damian will realize how lucky and blessed he is-- it may be when he's holding his own child in his arms-- and the challenges of parenting come up.

Hold on to the thought-- the promise that he will find his way. You've put the foundation down-- and it sure hasn't been in quicksand.

Know you are loved, by him and by us,

Tracie

See what's new at AOL.com and Make AOL Your Homepage.

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[Guest guest]

Marla, I didn't get your post so I must appologize for not respondind.. Your post makes a lot of sense, I know he's stretching his wings, and believe me that's the last thing I want to be is a mother that leads her son around by the ear for his entire life.. I want him to be independant and have a full and wonderful life, I just don't think its quite time... Plus, adding fuel to our fire is my mother, which when we argue she comes down here, three doors away and agrees with him, that he should have his freedom.. My dearest mother was physically abusive to me and my brothers our entire lives..which I find odd that she is so understanding and caring with Damian.. I would have found myself getting up our of a floor somewhere, if I talked back or pulled this stunt..She needs to BUTT out! that's my thought..

Anyway, I really appreciate the fact that you guys have shared your experiences with me.. it makes me think that maybe its not competely me.. that maybe I haven't failed competely.. and I sure hope that when time comes I do let go.. I just don't think its right now..

Hugs,

..

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[Guest guest]

,

Me too, I

hope I know when the time is right too, I have noticed that my son is taking

his medicine without me asking every night, one step forward, on Thursdays he

is to collect and put out the trash and recycle, well he was up early and on

his computer, but after reminding him more then I care too, he finally got the

trash out just before they came around 1pm, but missed the recycling, two steps

back. So where does one go from here. I just keep on keeping on,

(remember that from the 70s)

Yesterday

I spent half the day doing those stupid neuropsych testing, it went better then

I thought, the last time was at National Jewish and very in personal, and all

day. This time half a day and one on one with a very nice man, who I could

joke with too, however he asked me history questions I told him I didn’t

know before I had NS how in the heck am I suppose to know them now, he laughed

and said do your best, I couldn’t’ even guess, just said “no

clue”. Of course came home and asked my 19 yo history lover who

knew all the answers and couldn’t believe I didn’t, however he did

not know that Cleopatra was (not the right answer) but I

asked if I got points for at least knowing that, he said “no”.

However when

he was done I could have hugged him, as I asked him if I was crazy or not, and

he said no it looks like you know what you want to say, but just can’t

get it from your brain to your mouth, that is right on! So now I am

scheduled to have a speech eval next week. You know if the Insurance

company would just pay for the medication, they wouldn’t have to pay for

this testing, I don’t think they realize just how stupid they are? Anyway

thanks for listening, love ya all, Marla

From: Neurosarcoidosis [mailto:Neurosarcoidosis ] On Behalf Of topdat@...

Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007

8:45 AM

To: Neurosarcoidosis

Subject: Re:

Re: Getting my son into college

Marla, I didn't get your post so I must appologize for not

respondind.. Your post makes a lot of sense, I know he's stretching his wings,

and believe me that's the last thing I want to be is a mother that leads her

son around by the ear for his entire life.. I want him to be independant and

have a full and wonderful life, I just don't think its quite time... Plus,

adding fuel to our fire is my mother, which when we argue she comes down here,

three doors away and agrees with him, that he should have his freedom.. My

dearest mother was physically abusive to me and my brothers our entire

lives..which I find odd that she is so understanding and caring with Damian.. I

would have found myself getting up our of a floor somewhere, if I talked back

or pulled this stunt..She needs to BUTT out! that's my thought..

Anyway, I really appreciate the fact that you guys have

shared your experiences with me.. it makes me think that maybe its not

competely me.. that maybe I haven't failed competely.. and I sure hope that

when time comes I do let go.. I just don't think its right now..

Hugs,

..

No virus found in this incoming message.

Checked by AVG Free Edition.

Version: 7.5.488 / Virus Database: 269.14.0/1048 - Release Date: 10/3/2007 8:22

PM