Re: spouses and the DS

July 24, 2001

Hi , I can relate to what you are going through. My husband and I have

a dear friend that went through WLS a couple of years ago, and she had very

serious complications. At that point I decided that WLS was NOT for me, and

my husband was very glad. She is very lucky to be alive now, even though she

has permanent brain damage. I was appauled when her sister, my Best friend in

the whole world decided to go ahead with her surgery when her big sister was

still in the hospital! I couldn't believe she would do this to her and her

family. I watched both sisters heal together, they both lost weight, and even

the one with brain damage said she would do it over again in a heart beat. My

best friend is now at her goal, and doing very well. When I told my hubby I

was considering surgery again, he was very upset about it. I made a list of

things for my surgeon to help with my approval, and let him read it. It was

the first time I ever told him how much I weighed. I started at 463/bmi 69. I

am 5'9 " . These are some of the things I wrote:

Things I would like to be able to do:

Ride in an airplane without buying 2 seats

Not worry about having a heart-attack eveytime I feel a 'pain' in my chest

Sit in a booth in a restaurant

ride a bike with my daughter

go on rides at an amusement park

walk without running out of breath

sit in my chair at work without feeling like I would outgrow it any day

volunteer at my daughter's school without embarassing her

get up off the floor

go to the bathroom without feeling like a contortionist

try on clothes that fit

These are just a few of the things I had written. When my hubby read them he

understood alot better the reasons I wanted WLS. I have always been a very

confident person, but my weight was really becoming a health issue, and a

burden to my family. I was unwilling/unable to go on many outings because of

my weight. I felt that not getting the weight off was a slow torturous death.

I can't tell you how many times I wavered back and forth. I feared most of

all my daughter being left without a mother, and my hubby being left alone.

At the rate I was going I was almost garaunteed to die by the time I reached

40, probably even sooner. At last I made the best decision I have ever made.

I prayed all the time and would ask for signs that this was the right thing

for me, and every sign I got was positive. My family was a little freaked

out, but were there for me in the end. Now my family tells everyone about my

surgery, and I have strangers calling me to find out more about it.

I hope everything works out for you. Having surgery was one of the most

difficult decisions I've ever had, but remember, you must do what is right

for you. I'm sure if you tell your hubby how you feel, he may come around

eventually, and once he see's your success, maybe he will decide to do it

too. I wish you the best of luck!

Kim

Dr. Anthone USC

DGB/DS open 4/18/01

-74 lbs as of 2 weeks ago (in 11 1/2 weeks)

<< Hi All,

I wanted to address a question that has been concerning me for a long while.

I was introduced to the bpd/ds by a friend back in march, and at that time

I told her I would check out the lists and websites to see what she was

going to do, but no way would I put myself through all that pain and trauma.

Needless to say, after reading the lists for a couple of months and some

serious thinking about my quality of life, health, and living conditions, I

decided that the bpd/ds was for me. I set up a consultation with dr gagner.

Now here is where I run into problems. Both my husband and myself are very

obese. I am @ 430lbs at 5'10 " while my husband is 6'5 " and must be more

than me, but hasn't weighed in a long time. The last time either of us lost

weight was on phen-phen/redux (we both lost @100lbs before they were taken

off the market). At that time my husband " crashed " like you wouldn't

believe...he felt horrible for months after and says to this day he is not

the same. He developed type-2 diabetes which he completely ignores and

feels he can't handle a diet or weight management plan at this point in his

life. Enter, the bpd/ds.

I am totally convinced that this is the way I want to go. When I told my

husband of my decision, he was appalled. He can't understand why I would

put myself through all the physical trauma of surgery. According to him, he

would rather live a shorter life and be able to eat what he wants, when he

wants, than to go through all the horrific tortures of surgery.

It has come down to the point of no return. My sugery is scheduled for

September 10th with dr gagner at mt. sinai. My husband is freaking out. He

thinks that something bad will happen to me, and, ultimately, he may lose

me. I have tried to reassure him in as many ways as possible...I tell him

of all the success stories on the list, and to be fair, I do tell him

sometimes of the complications that could arise, because I feel that it is

better to be informed. I asked him to read the posts on some of the lists,

and he said he tried, but he just got more freaked out.

Does anyone have such a situation in thier life?? Is there anyone who has a

spouse/close relative who wants to be supportive, but doesn't know how to

handle the situation?? Any advice or ideas would be appreciated. My sugery

is coming up soon, and I an starting to get a bit nervous...having my

husband freak and not being able to share with him isn't helping.

Thanks in advance for your input,

worried,

denise in ny

bmi 63

dr gagner

september 10 >>

July 24, 2001

-

go to this link, print it out, and let him read it.. I hope this

helps, hun.. I know you're having a tough time.

http://www.wlscenter.com/Significant_Others.htm

Hugs,

Liane

> Hi All,

> I wanted to address a question that has been concerning me for a

long while.

> I was introduced to the bpd/ds by a friend back in march, and at

that time

> I told her I would check out the lists and websites to see what she

was

> going to do, but no way would I put myself through all that pain and

trauma.

>

> Needless to say, after reading the lists for a couple of months and

some

> serious thinking about my quality of life, health, and living

conditions, I

> decided that the bpd/ds was for me. I set up a consultation with dr

gagner.

>

> Now here is where I run into problems. Both my husband and myself

are very

> obese. I am @ 430lbs at 5'10 " while my husband is 6'5 " and must be

more

> than me, but hasn't weighed in a long time. The last time either of

us lost

> weight was on phen-phen/redux (we both lost @100lbs before they were

taken

> off the market). At that time my husband " crashed " like you

wouldn't

> believe...he felt horrible for months after and says to this day he

is not

> the same. He developed type-2 diabetes which he completely ignores

and

> feels he can't handle a diet or weight management plan at this point

in his

> life. Enter, the bpd/ds.

>

> I am totally convinced that this is the way I want to go. When I

told my

> husband of my decision, he was appalled. He can't understand why I

would

> put myself through all the physical trauma of surgery. According to

him, he

> would rather live a shorter life and be able to eat what he wants,

when he

> wants, than to go through all the horrific tortures of surgery.

>

> It has come down to the point of no return. My sugery is scheduled

for

> September 10th with dr gagner at mt. sinai. My husband is freaking

out. He

> thinks that something bad will happen to me, and, ultimately, he may

lose

> me. I have tried to reassure him in as many ways as possible...I

tell him

> of all the success stories on the list, and to be fair, I do tell

him

> sometimes of the complications that could arise, because I feel that

it is

> better to be informed. I asked him to read the posts on some of the

lists,

> and he said he tried, but he just got more freaked out.

>

> Does anyone have such a situation in thier life?? Is there anyone

who has a

> spouse/close relative who wants to be supportive, but doesn't know

how to

> handle the situation?? Any advice or ideas would be appreciated.

My sugery

> is coming up soon, and I an starting to get a bit nervous...having

my

> husband freak and not being able to share with him isn't helping.

>

> Thanks in advance for your input,

>

> worried,

> denise in ny

> bmi 63

> dr gagner

> september 10

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp

July 24, 2001

**.... I had the 2 biggest adversaries in my life concerning my surgery... my mother and my daughter. They thought I was nuts for wanting to do this. They were scared. They tried really hard to talk me out of it. I did it anyway...for me. They saw my progress, they saw how well I ate, they read the reports and they both were switched. If you feel this is the right thing for you, then do it. Life happens and once your spouse sees how positive this is for you, he may do a complete 180 as well. If you need to talk, let me know. Love, Kris Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 00:32:48 Subject: spouses and the dsHi All,I wanted to address a question that has been concerning me for a long while. I was introduced to the bpd/ds by a friend back in march, and at that time I told her I would check out the lists and websites to see what she was going to do, but no way would I put myself through all that pain and trauma.Needless to say, after reading the lists for a couple of months and some serious thinking about my quality of life, health, and living conditions, I decided that the bpd/ds was for me. I set up a consultation with dr gagner.Now here is where I run into problems. Both my husband and myself are very obese. I am @ 430lbs at 5'10" while my husband is 6'5" and must be more than me, but hasn't weighed in a long time. The last time either of us lost weight was on phen-phen/redux (we both lost @100lbs before they were taken off the market). At that time my husband "crashed" like you wouldn't believe...he felt horrible for months after and says to this day he is not the same. He developed type-2 diabetes which he completely ignores and feels he can't handle a diet or weight management plan at this point in his life. Enter, the bpd/ds.I am totally convinced that this is the way I want to go. When I told my husband of my decision, he was appalled. He can't understand why I would put myself through all the physical trauma of surgery. According to him, he would rather live a shorter life and be able to eat what he wants, when he wants, than to go through all the horrific tortures of surgery.It has come down to the point of no return. My sugery is scheduled for September 10th with dr gagner at mt. sinai. My husband is freaking out. He thinks that something bad will happen to me, and, ultimately, he may lose me. I have tried to reassure him in as many ways as possible...I tell him of all the success stories on the list, and to be fair, I do tell him sometimes of the complications that could arise, because I feel that it is better to be informed. I asked him to read the posts on some of the lists, and he said he tried, but he just got more freaked out.Does anyone have such a situation in thier life?? Is there anyone who has a spouse/close relative who wants to be supportive, but doesn't know how to handle the situation?? Any advice or ideas would be appreciated. My sugery is coming up soon, and I an starting to get a bit nervous...having my husband freak and not being able to share with him isn't helping.Thanks in advance for your input,worried,denise in nybmi 63dr gagnerseptember 10

July 24, 2001

Tina said:

2. Do hire a companion for your stay in the hospital it will be the

best money you ever spent.

Hi Tina,

Thank you for your informative note, you make a lot of great points. I'm now

in the process of arranging for tests locally for the surgery with Dr Gagner.

I have heard others say it's good to hire a companion too. I will be going

alone for the surgery from Michigan. Could you tell me how and when the

companions are hired, and what kind of things they do to help you? Is it best

to hire an RN or a companion?

Thank you,

Sheryl

July 24, 2001

Tina said:

2. Do hire a companion for your stay in the hospital it will be the

best money you ever spent.

Hi Tina,

Thank you for your informative note, you make a lot of great points. I'm now

in the process of arranging for tests locally for the surgery with Dr Gagner.

I have heard others say it's good to hire a companion too. I will be going

alone for the surgery from Michigan. Could you tell me how and when the

companions are hired, and what kind of things they do to help you? Is it best

to hire an RN or a companion?

Thank you,

Sheryl

July 24, 2001

Hi Betsy

Unfortunately I don't get on to this list much as I would like but your story sounds like mine and I just wanted to say that if we don't do this for ourselves....considering all that MO brings....we won't be around to do anything for anybody. I'm getting itchy now that I will be seeing the doctor for my consul in about 3 weeks....it used to seem so long ago that I made the appointment and now it is almost here...The funny thing is that I'm not as scared of the surgery as I am in being rejected by my insurance company....In any case, I wish you well on this journey and there are some real troopers here to help you along....I'm very active for my size too....but that will only last so long before I can't do what I do anymore....age and MO are not good companions....the decision is really yours to make but it is always harder when you have to convince others. Personally, I know it is right for me but I agree that husbands are not necessarily the best to have around after something big like this...I think I will have to hire a nurse or companion myself, at least for the first day or two...Stay well

Cindy

July 24, 2001

Kris,

I played chicken right until the end I didn`t tell my loved ones

until a week before the surgery and then I was so busy with pre-op

preparations that I didn`t have time to worry about their comments.

I was lucky because when I told my fiance about the surgery he

was not exactly supportive but he didn`t have enough time to formulate

a good argument. I was also lucky that he watched a news prgram on wls

a week earlier so he knew the benefits. I would suggest that you try

to locate some television programs on wls. You can also get your

hubby reading, find all of the links and start printing them out so

that he can see that people live through this surgery and are

healthier and better for it. Everyday even as a post-op I still give

my fiance a piece of info on wls. I need him to be as knowledgeable

about wls as I am so that he can be suportive and assist me in this

phase of recovery.

The best thing you can do for your hubby is to have the surgery and

let him see the results. Results speak louder than words. If you do

not have a lot of co-morbites the risks of surgery are a lot less for

you. Also since you have not yet developed Diabetes you will find

that one of the benefits of bp/ds is that you do not crave chocalate

anymore which will help cut down on the sweets and carbs you injest

and almost eliminate the odds of your developing Diabetes.

In the meantime hold on tight. Don't let his fears sway you

instead use them as motivation to learn all that you can about the

surgery.

Make sure that he knows that you have the best surgeon in the

world. Gagner could do this surgery with his eyes closed. He will do

everything in his power to make sure that you come through this

surgery as healthy as possible.

MO is a killer and most people do not understand how quickly it can

kill. Your hubby is living in a dreamland he may be able to eat what

he wants and live a few more years but with diabetes thrown into the

mix he is asking for trouble. I know a lot of people who are now

amputees because they did not alter their diet and lifestyles after

becoming diabetics. Ignoring Diabetes is a deadly thing to do and your

husband can be sure that he will not eat whatever he wants when he is

hospitalized for diabetes complications. And if he cotinues to ignore

diabetes he will wind up with long hospitalization.

P.S. on another note from someone who learned the hard way

1. Try to get your hubby to go the hospital with you.

2. Do hire a companion for your stay in the hospital it will be the

best money you ever spent.

3. Make sure that there is a recliner at home before you are

discharged from the hospital.

4. Take your hubby's PJ's to the hospital with you. They maintain your

privacy and comfort as rounds of interns and dr's and nurses gawk at

your incisions.(The only thing that I did do right)

5. Make sure that you buy your Adeks, Calcium supplemens and chewable

multivitamin before the surgery.

6. Pills can be easily crushed between two tablespoons.

7. Bring a battery powered clock or watch so that you will be able to

monitor ten minute intervals when you can hit the pain pump.

Good Luck! I can't wait to see you on the other side!!

Tina

> **.... I had the 2 biggest adversaries in my life concerning

my surgery... my mother and my daughter. They thought I was nuts for

wanting to do this. They were scared. They tried really hard to talk

me out of it. I did it anyway...for me. They saw my progress, they

saw how well I ate, they read the reports and they both were switched.

If you feel this is the right thing for you, then do it. Life

happens and once your spouse sees how positive this is for you, he may

do a complete 180 as well.

>

> If you need to talk, let me know.

> Love, Kris

> Date: Tue, 24 Jul 2001 00:32:48

> From: " denise hughes " <slantdiva@h...>

> Subject: spouses and the ds

>

> Hi All,

> I wanted to address a question that has been concerning me for a

long while.

> I was introduced to the bpd/ds by a friend back in march, and at

that time

> I told her I would check out the lists and websites to see what she

was

> going to do, but no way would I put myself through all that pain and

trauma.

>

> Needless to say, after reading the lists for a couple of months and

some

> serious thinking about my quality of life, health, and living

conditions, I

> decided that the bpd/ds was for me. I set up a consultation with dr

gagner.

>

> Now here is where I run into problems. Both my husband and myself

are very

> obese. I am @ 430lbs at 5'10 " while my husband is 6'5 " and must be

more

> than me, but hasn't weighed in a long time. The last time either of

us lost

> weight was on phen-phen/redux (we both lost @100lbs before they were

taken

> off the market). At that time my husband " crashed " like you

wouldn't

> believe...he felt horrible for months after and says to this day he

is not

> the same. He developed type-2 diabetes which he completely ignores

and

> feels he can't handle a diet or weight management plan at this point

in his

> life. Enter, the bpd/ds.

>

> I am totally convinced that this is the way I want to go. When I

told my

> husband of my decision, he was appalled. He can't understand why I

would

> put myself through all the physical trauma of surgery. According to

him, he

> would rather live a shorter life and be able to eat what he wants,

when he

> wants, than to go through all the horrific tortures of surgery.

>

> It has come down to the point of no return. My sugery is scheduled

for

> September 10th with dr gagner at mt. sinai. My husband is freaking

out. He

> thinks that something bad will happen to me, and, ultimately, he may

lose

> me. I have tried to reassure him in as many ways as possible...I

tell him

> of all the success stories on the list, and to be fair, I do tell

him

> sometimes of the complications that could arise, because I feel that

it is

> better to be informed. I asked him to read the posts on some of the

lists,

> and he said he tried, but he just got more freaked out.

>

> Does anyone have such a situation in thier life?? Is there anyone

who has a

> spouse/close relative who wants to be supportive, but doesn't know

how to

> handle the situation?? Any advice or ideas would be appreciated.

My sugery

> is coming up soon, and I an starting to get a bit nervous...having

my

> husband freak and not being able to share with him isn't helping.

>

> Thanks in advance for your input,

>

> worried,

> denise in ny

> bmi 63

> dr gagner

> september 10

July 24, 2001

- Thanks for sharing that even after you made

your decision - you had moments of doubt.

My journey is taking a while - my doctor requires a

lot of pre-testing and the waiting is tortorous...

(sp??)

My husband is trying his best to be supportive, but is

scared.

Sometimes little doubts creep in my head - I have lost

75 pounds myself before surgery - and that little

voice says - why do you need surgery? You're doing it

on your own??? WELL I answer that little devil that I

have a disease called morbid obesity and that I have

lost hundreds of pounds in my lifetime and gained them

all back and more. And the odds are WAY against me

being able to lose all 300 pounds that I needed to

lose on my own. At this point, I'm trying to lose as

much weight before surgery as possible - knowing that

each pound I get off is safer for me. Like a running

head start.....

For the most part I am calm and sure about my

decision. Then I hear of a bad complication from

someone else's surgery and the fear creeps in. I am

glad to hear this is normal.

I too made a list of pros and cons. My pros list is 3

pages and still growing. I'm not saying I don't

understand the big risk involved in the surgery. I

DO! I also know that I am headed for terrible

comorbidities if I don't get the weight off. I have

an active life for someone my size - but there are

parts of life I cannot participate in right now

because of my size and I am tired of sitting on the

sidelines.

Sorry for the long message gang - just wanted to share

a little bit of my personal journey to date.

Betsy

--- susan4541@... wrote:

> Hi , I can relate to what you are going

> through. My husband and I have

> a dear friend that went through WLS a couple of

> years ago, and she had very

> serious complications. At that point I decided that

> WLS was NOT for me, and

> my husband was very glad. She is very lucky to be

> alive now, even though she

> has permanent brain damage. I was appauled when her

> sister, my Best friend in

> the whole world decided to go ahead with her surgery

> when her big sister was

> still in the hospital! I couldn't believe she would

send a blank email

> to:

> duodenalswitch-unsubscribe

>

July 24, 2001

- Thanks for sharing that even after you made

your decision - you had moments of doubt.

My journey is taking a while - my doctor requires a

lot of pre-testing and the waiting is tortorous...

(sp??)

My husband is trying his best to be supportive, but is

scared.

Sometimes little doubts creep in my head - I have lost

75 pounds myself before surgery - and that little

voice says - why do you need surgery? You're doing it

on your own??? WELL I answer that little devil that I

have a disease called morbid obesity and that I have

lost hundreds of pounds in my lifetime and gained them

all back and more. And the odds are WAY against me

being able to lose all 300 pounds that I needed to

lose on my own. At this point, I'm trying to lose as

much weight before surgery as possible - knowing that

each pound I get off is safer for me. Like a running

head start.....

For the most part I am calm and sure about my

decision. Then I hear of a bad complication from

someone else's surgery and the fear creeps in. I am

glad to hear this is normal.

I too made a list of pros and cons. My pros list is 3

pages and still growing. I'm not saying I don't

understand the big risk involved in the surgery. I

DO! I also know that I am headed for terrible

comorbidities if I don't get the weight off. I have

an active life for someone my size - but there are

parts of life I cannot participate in right now

because of my size and I am tired of sitting on the

sidelines.

Sorry for the long message gang - just wanted to share

a little bit of my personal journey to date.

Betsy

--- susan4541@... wrote:

> Hi , I can relate to what you are going

> through. My husband and I have

> a dear friend that went through WLS a couple of

> years ago, and she had very

> serious complications. At that point I decided that

> WLS was NOT for me, and

> my husband was very glad. She is very lucky to be

> alive now, even though she

> has permanent brain damage. I was appauled when her

> sister, my Best friend in

> the whole world decided to go ahead with her surgery

> when her big sister was

> still in the hospital! I couldn't believe she would

send a blank email

> to:

> duodenalswitch-unsubscribe

>

July 24, 2001

Also since you have not yet developed Diabetes you will find

that one of the benefits of bp/ds is that you do not crave chocalate

anymore which will help cut down on the sweets >>>>>

Are you saying that those who crave sweets and choc are diabetics? I craved

them pre opt but wasnt diabetic....

Judie

July 24, 2001

--- SKeib13337@... wrote:

> Tina said:

> 2. Do hire a companion for your stay in the hospital it will be the

> best money you ever spent.

>

> Could you tell me how and when the companions are hired?

>

Please post the answer to the group. I am also trying to arrange my

surgery from a distance.

Thank You,

Peg ~goatpal~

BMI 55 age 41

Upstate New York

__________________________________________________

July 24, 2001

Dear

I and my husband are both obese, him more than me I think.. I am 5, 4 " and

at 280 lbs, he is at about 5' 6 " and at 300 lbs. At first he was leary of

me having a surgery, I know he once said that it just isn't natural, but I

came back with the same thing, he has had multiple surgeries for his knees,

and headed for his second cornia transplant, so what is natural about that,

not to mention that he once had liposuction, which didn't work.

He wasn't really appauled at the idea, but just leary. He now believes that

he would also be interested in such a surgery, but I told him that I am

first! LOL

I believe that by your husbands statement about living a shorter life and

eatting what he wants and when he wants is what is consuming him, so maybe

if you would gather some info. for him and explain to him that that is why

sooooooooo many of us choose the DS above the RNY or VBG! I am sure that he

is uncomfortable with life, not fitting in places and being miserable and

non-active as most of us are. Even though food is a huge part of our lives

we have to look at the much larger picture here, having this surgery and

losing weight is going to make life so much more enjoyable and healthier. I

think what helped me here to win my hubby over, was that we know two people

who have had wls, one had rny, and one had vbg, the vbg although she lost

weight, she doesn't look healthy, and now as it is nearing three years she

is beginning to put it back on, and she can't eat the way she would like,

and the rny is just a year out and she is doing wonderful, I can't lie, but

she doesn't eat much, well in my book I have to say that. I don't feel that

she eats like a normal sized stomache should be able to, and that is because

it isn't, it is a small pouch, which in and of itself just doesn't sound

like something I want, I am not a kangaroo......LOL

Anyway, keep informing him......he is just scared for you and himself, and

possibly with him being so afraid, that could be why he is hiding behind his

disagreement of the surgery, he might be afraid that you will succeed, as

silly as that sounds, but maybe he isn't afraid at all, maybe he does back

your feelings, but in the end, maybe it is jealousy that you will be thin

and healthy and he will not.

Just keep up the informing and talking and that is the best you can do.

July 24, 2001