Robynn... yes, it is THAT

[Guest guest]

Robynn:

Yes, it is THAT . And I know, I know... But 's had a

rough couple of months. He went home for the holidays and his father

died unexpectedly the night of his arrival, on Christmas Eve. He had

to arrange his father's funeral for December 31st. Then right before

he left his mother fell sick and had to be hospitalized with

pneumonia. Life has dealt him some pretty big blows recently. I

think he's reevaluating his priorities.

For now, I'm happy to offer him supportive friendship. And heck,

he's so fun to look at, being the handsome stud he is. Anyway...

When Steve comes back, I'm going to have a talk with him. Your

suggestions are right on, as usual. Open communication is the best.

So how are you adjusting to life with Monsieur ?

Thanks for your wisdom. I certainly appreciate it.

Francisco

> >

> > Dear Francisco,

> >

> > I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a week

or

> > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you

fascinating

> > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I can

> > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-

mindedness

> > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat

cancer.

> >

> > Randy

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Robynn:

Yes, it is THAT . And I know, I know... But 's had a

rough couple of months. He went home for the holidays and his father

died unexpectedly the night of his arrival, on Christmas Eve. He had

to arrange his father's funeral for December 31st. Then right before

he left his mother fell sick and had to be hospitalized with

pneumonia. Life has dealt him some pretty big blows recently. I

think he's reevaluating his priorities.

For now, I'm happy to offer him supportive friendship. And heck,

he's so fun to look at, being the handsome stud he is. Anyway...

When Steve comes back, I'm going to have a talk with him. Your

suggestions are right on, as usual. Open communication is the best.

So how are you adjusting to life with Monsieur ?

Thanks for your wisdom. I certainly appreciate it.

Francisco

> >

> > Dear Francisco,

> >

> > I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a week

or

> > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you

fascinating

> > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I can

> > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-

mindedness

> > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat

cancer.

> >

> > Randy

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Francisco, I got this from a friend yesterday and I thought of you. Ramona > >PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASONPeople come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When youKnow which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. WhenSomeone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you Have expressed.They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you withGuidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reasonYou need them to be.Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and Force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been Met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has Been answered and now it is time to move on.Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come To share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you Laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give You an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a Season.LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must buildUpon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to acceptThe lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in allOther relationships and areas of your life. >

[Guest guest]

Hi Francisco, I got this from a friend yesterday and I thought of you. Ramona > >PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASONPeople come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When youKnow which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. WhenSomeone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you Have expressed.They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you withGuidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reasonYou need them to be.Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and Force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been Met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has Been answered and now it is time to move on.Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come To share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you Laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give You an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a Season.LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must buildUpon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to acceptThe lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in allOther relationships and areas of your life. >

[Guest guest]

Francisco... Life-changing events, like the death of a parent, can certainly cause somebody to do some soul-searching. Leopards, sometimes, chard their spots. Just go in carefully, one toe at a time, ok? You have a tendency to leap in without checking to see how deep the water is, and one of these days you may break your neck. I love that about you, the faith, the hope, the romantic in you that has you plunge in, no holds barred. But, at the same time, you need to love yourself enough to realize that you would probably be better served if you checked the temperature of the water, and if you threw in a couple of stones to check the depth before doing the full, hands-free, head first, dive. The cool thing is that once you do a little due-diligence, you can still experience the joy of the free-fall...and there will still be some of the thrill of the unknown...but at the same time, you

are far less likely to wind up in a full-body cast! Things with are going swimmingly (thought I'd continue on the theme, hee hee). He's a genuinely sweet person, very comfortable to be around, and he's adorable. I'm very happy with him. However, my relationship with him has been a bit difficult for a few reasons: 1. I just finished the final paperwork for the divorce from Steve. Steve has been pushing me to get it done. he wants to be able to tell any future prospect, "Look, everything is done, we are just waiting for the court declaration" before he starts to date. so, I've tried to honor his request. But, I am sad almost all of the time. Although I've been separated from Steve for more than 2 years...we continued to have a rich friendship during the separation. He called nearly every day, and we frequently did thins together over the weekend. He

was there by my side at the surgery, as protective as a Mama bear (Tim can attest to that.) He's hurt now, and so, I haven't seen him since October 4th. I don't know if I'll ever see him again. Part of him has an impulse to be friends with me, still...but another part of him doesn't want to settle for a shell of what we had...and also, he doesn't think it would be fair to someone he is dating to have them be comfortable with the fact that he's hanging out with his wife/ex-wife. This was conveyed through an e-mail.) He also said that in essence, the Robynn he loved no longer exists. It's as if I died...because THAT Robynn loved him. Divorce is unbearably heartbreaking. And even though is extremely understanding and sweet and supportive...and I can cry and he is not threatened by it (I had a melt-down when I was re-arranging all of my jewelry, and I couldn't find my wedding ring and engagement ring. It just was so symbolic of

how careless I am with things of value, like diamonds and marriages...) Also, for the first time, really...I have stripped away all of my self-justifications and rationalizations...and I'm fully facing up to the fact that I am a cheater. During the marriage, i cheated with Olivier...and while the physical was extremely limited (no sex), the emotional was not. And then, I slept with ...and yes, I was separated...but the bottom line is that I KNEW Steve wanted to be with me, still...and I was hedging my bets. I was somewhat honest with him, and partly I was trying to protect him from pain until I was sure about ...but to be perfectly frank...I was being selfish. I wanted to be sure of before I let go of Steve. And that is horrible. Steve didn't deserve to be treated with such disregard. I need to own up to that and face that tendency in myself...the tendency to hold on to everyone that I've ever loved...because I need this

security blanket around me. You know? 2. Olivier. Let's not fool ourselves here, I still have strong feelings for Olivier. We talk on the phone, and it's poignant. Olivier is trying to be somewhat respectful of the relationship I have with (the two met over dinner in Paris. that is part II of the story.) But, when Olivier and I saw each other alone in Paris ( knew), he said all of the things I've always wanted to hear from him. There is a big part of me that thinks he would probably run the other direction if I actually accepted his proposal and dumped . I told him as much. There is another part of him that is sure this relationship will run its course, and we will wind up together. He gave me a diamond necklace, where the diamond is the hole of the number 6...signifying the beginning of our 6th year. Olivier complicates things. I love him very much,

I care about him a bunch. But, he's hurt me. He's let me down. Frequently. He carries so much baggage from all of the tragedies in his life. He told me again that he wasn't good enough for me, and that deep down, I knew that. I mean, how do you deal with that? But, I must admit, that his presence in my life, in my heart (five years of believing that he was THE ONE is a hard thing to let go of) casts a shadow on my relationship with . 3. My own space. I have been in back to back relationships for the past 20 years. Non-stop. From one to the next. I had a one-year break back when I was 28...but I was still in contact with my ex, and I was really hoping we'd work it out. In my younger years, I was constantly in transition. I lived out of a suitcase, on a student budget. When I started as a lawyer, I met Steve within 2 days. I lived in a furnished apartment,

and had not started buying my own stuff...because I was supposed to be in Princeton for a temporary period of time, and then I was going to be moving to Philadelphia. So, rather than buy furniture, etc. that I would just have to pay to move later...I rented a place with someone else's stuff. And then I moved in with Steve, with his stuff. We ultimately bought a house together back there...and in some ways, that was the happiest time in my life. Yes, we still had all of his furniture, and we didn't really wind up buying any other stuff...since his was relatively new. But, I was able to make that house my own: painting, wallpapering, gardening, buying feminine touches and decorative items. In the end, it really reflected me (and Steve.) It was our nest, and I entertained there, and my garden was famous...people from all of the different towns around would come to see it in the springtime. When

we moved back to California (I'm a native SFer), we found a craftsman in Berkeley to rent. We were there for 6 years. It was a wonderful neighborhood (Elmwood/Rockridge). But, it was the home of a grandmother...and she was in an assisted living facility...and this was the family house that had never been rented before. So, I didn't feel right about tearing down wallpaper, painting, taking up the wall to wall carpeting. And then, on top of it, all of the furniture was Steve's...now 10 years old. And our life in California, because of the weather, was so much more active...that really, we were never at home on weekends. So, the place was usually messy (Steve was ridiculously stubborn about getting a housekeeper, even though we were both attorneys. His mother was a stay at homer, and I think he believed I should do it all.), and I just felt it wasn't me. It didn't reflect me. In fact, he was so opinionated about things, that

sometimes, if I put something on the wall, and he didn't like it...he'd take it down. He didn't compromise much in that area, and I didn't fight him enough. This took a toll on me, you know? Because even though I'm Miss Attorney, active as heck, etc...there is still a very large Martha lurking on the inside. And that inability to have a beautiful, peaceful home really robbed something from me. Fast forward to my apartment. I left all of the furniture with Steve, and so, everything in this apartment I bought and picked out (save the gifts). This place reflects me, and it's beautiful. I get great joy out of being here. It is organized and clean and neat. I have a housekeeper, and I pick up after myself. It gives me a feeling of peace and well-being. It's not a small apartment. It has two large bedrooms, and plenty of closet space.

Great views and light and I love it here. And now, I have someone (other than my very clean and polite kitty cat) sharing my space. And while he's french and an artist...he's a GUY. You know, he walks in and items just spring from him and wind up on every surface. He's not a neat person. At all. In fact, I think he likes clutter. Enough so that he thinks my place is a museum...which, it really isn't. It's warm and not one of those completely pristine places. Plus, my taste is more romantic than modern and linear. This has been very very difficult. Olivier, while I've never lived with him, has stayed with me for several weeks at a time. He's even more neat than I am, and fully appreciates the notion of Feng Shui. Everything has it's place, and it should be there, unless you are using it at the same instant. Also, Olivier is more like a cat...quiet, calm, you barely know he's there

in some ways. He'd make me a perfect latte every a.m., and bring it to me in bed...and by the time I got up, I could eat off the floors the place was so clean. , after much coaxing, brings me a cup of coffee...but you can bet there will be grounds on the counter and the floor as a result. HE's not as elegant. And he's an artist, so there's always supplies all over. Literally, in the beginning, my guitar (which he plays) was lying in the middle of the floor in the living room for three days..and then it was (of all places) on the kitchen table!! This may not sound like much...but after years of frustration and feeling like I had no place to reflect me...I am having a very hard time adusting. And I don't think I should have to compromise on this. I think he's like a frat boy, and he needs to grow up and treat my things with respect. This is a big issue between us, perhaps the

only one...and people think I'm being ridiculous. And yet, this is very very important to me. I have a job where I am constantly bombarded with paper. My office looks like a bomb exploded in it (Pam can attest), and there is no way that I can stay on top of the paperwork. And so, for me...clutter equals stress. I have pretty serious ADD, and so I need to find a peaceful place where my mind can relax and be tranquil. And if my home is cluttered...it's like I never rest. You know? I've explained this to , and he's trying in some ways...but it just isn't a big deal for him, and so what he thinks is clean..well...um, NOPE. Olivier's ex-wife was a slob, so I asked him how he handled it. he said, "It wasn't a problem, I just cleaned up after her all the time. The difference between you and me is that you like things to be clean, but you don't like to clean up. I

like to clean...so it's no problem for me." And he's right. I don't like cleaning up after people. Especially because I work hard all day...and takes an English class for a few hours everyday. I don't think I should have to be a slave when I get home. I already am always the one who cooks. (he makes a mean ratatouille...but other than that, he really doesn't cook.) So, these are normal adjustments that everyone goes through...but I find myself wondering if I even want to compromise anymore, you know? I mean, i kind of like being alone. But, on the other hand, I don't want to die alone in my apartment, and have my body found four days later after the cat has started eating my fingers out of necessity. (Sex in the City reference.) And the sex is wonderful. And he makes me laugh. And he's very sweet, and very committed. And I enjoy his

company. He is calming, in many respects. So, that is the very long answer to your very simple question. Ai. Robynn manisodream wrote: Robynn:Yes, it is THAT . And I know, I know... But 's had a rough couple of months. He went home for the holidays and his father died unexpectedly the night of his arrival, on Christmas Eve. He had to arrange his father's funeral for December 31st. Then right before he left his mother fell sick and had to be hospitalized with pneumonia. Life has dealt him some pretty big blows recently. I think he's reevaluating his priorities.For now, I'm happy to offer him supportive

friendship. And heck, he's so fun to look at, being the handsome stud he is. Anyway...When Steve comes back, I'm going to have a talk with him. Your suggestions are right on, as usual. Open communication is the best.So how are you adjusting to life with Monsieur ?Thanks for your wisdom. I certainly appreciate it.Francisco> >> > Dear Francisco,> > > > I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a week or > > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you fascinating > > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I can > > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-mindedness > > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat cancer.> > > > Randy> > > >> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

Francisco... Life-changing events, like the death of a parent, can certainly cause somebody to do some soul-searching. Leopards, sometimes, chard their spots. Just go in carefully, one toe at a time, ok? You have a tendency to leap in without checking to see how deep the water is, and one of these days you may break your neck. I love that about you, the faith, the hope, the romantic in you that has you plunge in, no holds barred. But, at the same time, you need to love yourself enough to realize that you would probably be better served if you checked the temperature of the water, and if you threw in a couple of stones to check the depth before doing the full, hands-free, head first, dive. The cool thing is that once you do a little due-diligence, you can still experience the joy of the free-fall...and there will still be some of the thrill of the unknown...but at the same time, you

are far less likely to wind up in a full-body cast! Things with are going swimmingly (thought I'd continue on the theme, hee hee). He's a genuinely sweet person, very comfortable to be around, and he's adorable. I'm very happy with him. However, my relationship with him has been a bit difficult for a few reasons: 1. I just finished the final paperwork for the divorce from Steve. Steve has been pushing me to get it done. he wants to be able to tell any future prospect, "Look, everything is done, we are just waiting for the court declaration" before he starts to date. so, I've tried to honor his request. But, I am sad almost all of the time. Although I've been separated from Steve for more than 2 years...we continued to have a rich friendship during the separation. He called nearly every day, and we frequently did thins together over the weekend. He

was there by my side at the surgery, as protective as a Mama bear (Tim can attest to that.) He's hurt now, and so, I haven't seen him since October 4th. I don't know if I'll ever see him again. Part of him has an impulse to be friends with me, still...but another part of him doesn't want to settle for a shell of what we had...and also, he doesn't think it would be fair to someone he is dating to have them be comfortable with the fact that he's hanging out with his wife/ex-wife. This was conveyed through an e-mail.) He also said that in essence, the Robynn he loved no longer exists. It's as if I died...because THAT Robynn loved him. Divorce is unbearably heartbreaking. And even though is extremely understanding and sweet and supportive...and I can cry and he is not threatened by it (I had a melt-down when I was re-arranging all of my jewelry, and I couldn't find my wedding ring and engagement ring. It just was so symbolic of

how careless I am with things of value, like diamonds and marriages...) Also, for the first time, really...I have stripped away all of my self-justifications and rationalizations...and I'm fully facing up to the fact that I am a cheater. During the marriage, i cheated with Olivier...and while the physical was extremely limited (no sex), the emotional was not. And then, I slept with ...and yes, I was separated...but the bottom line is that I KNEW Steve wanted to be with me, still...and I was hedging my bets. I was somewhat honest with him, and partly I was trying to protect him from pain until I was sure about ...but to be perfectly frank...I was being selfish. I wanted to be sure of before I let go of Steve. And that is horrible. Steve didn't deserve to be treated with such disregard. I need to own up to that and face that tendency in myself...the tendency to hold on to everyone that I've ever loved...because I need this

security blanket around me. You know? 2. Olivier. Let's not fool ourselves here, I still have strong feelings for Olivier. We talk on the phone, and it's poignant. Olivier is trying to be somewhat respectful of the relationship I have with (the two met over dinner in Paris. that is part II of the story.) But, when Olivier and I saw each other alone in Paris ( knew), he said all of the things I've always wanted to hear from him. There is a big part of me that thinks he would probably run the other direction if I actually accepted his proposal and dumped . I told him as much. There is another part of him that is sure this relationship will run its course, and we will wind up together. He gave me a diamond necklace, where the diamond is the hole of the number 6...signifying the beginning of our 6th year. Olivier complicates things. I love him very much,

I care about him a bunch. But, he's hurt me. He's let me down. Frequently. He carries so much baggage from all of the tragedies in his life. He told me again that he wasn't good enough for me, and that deep down, I knew that. I mean, how do you deal with that? But, I must admit, that his presence in my life, in my heart (five years of believing that he was THE ONE is a hard thing to let go of) casts a shadow on my relationship with . 3. My own space. I have been in back to back relationships for the past 20 years. Non-stop. From one to the next. I had a one-year break back when I was 28...but I was still in contact with my ex, and I was really hoping we'd work it out. In my younger years, I was constantly in transition. I lived out of a suitcase, on a student budget. When I started as a lawyer, I met Steve within 2 days. I lived in a furnished apartment,

and had not started buying my own stuff...because I was supposed to be in Princeton for a temporary period of time, and then I was going to be moving to Philadelphia. So, rather than buy furniture, etc. that I would just have to pay to move later...I rented a place with someone else's stuff. And then I moved in with Steve, with his stuff. We ultimately bought a house together back there...and in some ways, that was the happiest time in my life. Yes, we still had all of his furniture, and we didn't really wind up buying any other stuff...since his was relatively new. But, I was able to make that house my own: painting, wallpapering, gardening, buying feminine touches and decorative items. In the end, it really reflected me (and Steve.) It was our nest, and I entertained there, and my garden was famous...people from all of the different towns around would come to see it in the springtime. When

we moved back to California (I'm a native SFer), we found a craftsman in Berkeley to rent. We were there for 6 years. It was a wonderful neighborhood (Elmwood/Rockridge). But, it was the home of a grandmother...and she was in an assisted living facility...and this was the family house that had never been rented before. So, I didn't feel right about tearing down wallpaper, painting, taking up the wall to wall carpeting. And then, on top of it, all of the furniture was Steve's...now 10 years old. And our life in California, because of the weather, was so much more active...that really, we were never at home on weekends. So, the place was usually messy (Steve was ridiculously stubborn about getting a housekeeper, even though we were both attorneys. His mother was a stay at homer, and I think he believed I should do it all.), and I just felt it wasn't me. It didn't reflect me. In fact, he was so opinionated about things, that

sometimes, if I put something on the wall, and he didn't like it...he'd take it down. He didn't compromise much in that area, and I didn't fight him enough. This took a toll on me, you know? Because even though I'm Miss Attorney, active as heck, etc...there is still a very large Martha lurking on the inside. And that inability to have a beautiful, peaceful home really robbed something from me. Fast forward to my apartment. I left all of the furniture with Steve, and so, everything in this apartment I bought and picked out (save the gifts). This place reflects me, and it's beautiful. I get great joy out of being here. It is organized and clean and neat. I have a housekeeper, and I pick up after myself. It gives me a feeling of peace and well-being. It's not a small apartment. It has two large bedrooms, and plenty of closet space.

Great views and light and I love it here. And now, I have someone (other than my very clean and polite kitty cat) sharing my space. And while he's french and an artist...he's a GUY. You know, he walks in and items just spring from him and wind up on every surface. He's not a neat person. At all. In fact, I think he likes clutter. Enough so that he thinks my place is a museum...which, it really isn't. It's warm and not one of those completely pristine places. Plus, my taste is more romantic than modern and linear. This has been very very difficult. Olivier, while I've never lived with him, has stayed with me for several weeks at a time. He's even more neat than I am, and fully appreciates the notion of Feng Shui. Everything has it's place, and it should be there, unless you are using it at the same instant. Also, Olivier is more like a cat...quiet, calm, you barely know he's there

in some ways. He'd make me a perfect latte every a.m., and bring it to me in bed...and by the time I got up, I could eat off the floors the place was so clean. , after much coaxing, brings me a cup of coffee...but you can bet there will be grounds on the counter and the floor as a result. HE's not as elegant. And he's an artist, so there's always supplies all over. Literally, in the beginning, my guitar (which he plays) was lying in the middle of the floor in the living room for three days..and then it was (of all places) on the kitchen table!! This may not sound like much...but after years of frustration and feeling like I had no place to reflect me...I am having a very hard time adusting. And I don't think I should have to compromise on this. I think he's like a frat boy, and he needs to grow up and treat my things with respect. This is a big issue between us, perhaps the

only one...and people think I'm being ridiculous. And yet, this is very very important to me. I have a job where I am constantly bombarded with paper. My office looks like a bomb exploded in it (Pam can attest), and there is no way that I can stay on top of the paperwork. And so, for me...clutter equals stress. I have pretty serious ADD, and so I need to find a peaceful place where my mind can relax and be tranquil. And if my home is cluttered...it's like I never rest. You know? I've explained this to , and he's trying in some ways...but it just isn't a big deal for him, and so what he thinks is clean..well...um, NOPE. Olivier's ex-wife was a slob, so I asked him how he handled it. he said, "It wasn't a problem, I just cleaned up after her all the time. The difference between you and me is that you like things to be clean, but you don't like to clean up. I

like to clean...so it's no problem for me." And he's right. I don't like cleaning up after people. Especially because I work hard all day...and takes an English class for a few hours everyday. I don't think I should have to be a slave when I get home. I already am always the one who cooks. (he makes a mean ratatouille...but other than that, he really doesn't cook.) So, these are normal adjustments that everyone goes through...but I find myself wondering if I even want to compromise anymore, you know? I mean, i kind of like being alone. But, on the other hand, I don't want to die alone in my apartment, and have my body found four days later after the cat has started eating my fingers out of necessity. (Sex in the City reference.) And the sex is wonderful. And he makes me laugh. And he's very sweet, and very committed. And I enjoy his

company. He is calming, in many respects. So, that is the very long answer to your very simple question. Ai. Robynn manisodream wrote: Robynn:Yes, it is THAT . And I know, I know... But 's had a rough couple of months. He went home for the holidays and his father died unexpectedly the night of his arrival, on Christmas Eve. He had to arrange his father's funeral for December 31st. Then right before he left his mother fell sick and had to be hospitalized with pneumonia. Life has dealt him some pretty big blows recently. I think he's reevaluating his priorities.For now, I'm happy to offer him supportive

friendship. And heck, he's so fun to look at, being the handsome stud he is. Anyway...When Steve comes back, I'm going to have a talk with him. Your suggestions are right on, as usual. Open communication is the best.So how are you adjusting to life with Monsieur ?Thanks for your wisdom. I certainly appreciate it.Francisco> >> > Dear Francisco,> > > > I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a week or > > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you fascinating > > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I can > > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-mindedness > > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat cancer.> > > > Randy> > > >> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

Robynn, I am so admiring of your honesty here on this board. I enjoy

your writing and I love your soul. Thanks so much for sharing such

deep thoughts.

I have some thoughts about your " messy " guy. I am like him and

it has been a lot to handle for my neater husband who comes from a

mother who was in the camps and is very very clean today. We have

been married 35 years and somehow he has been able to put up with me

all these years. But it has not been easy. I leave drawers open,

food around, books piled up, papers amiss. I am sure I would drive

you crazy. And I have lived with neat people many times and they all

went crazy. I have to admit that I just don't think about it. When I

do think about it, I tell myself I will pick it up in a minute.

Meanwhile I forget. I can tell when my husband is in a stressed mood

because he makes comments about the state of the house. We have a

cleaning lady who comes twice a week. (It's a big house). Thank God

for her. She keeps the house tolerable. I have tried to remember to

close doors, do the dishes, straighten the pillows, and I think I

succeed about 50% of the time. It's never enough. Meanwhile, my

husband has become sloppier and his office, here in the house, is

not properly organized. This makes it hard for him to get mad at me.

I think we have both realized that as hard as I try, I can not

change my character in this regard. It's deep. So now what. I used

to beat myself up mentally for being a " sloth " but now I just see

this as something in my character that can not be enitirely changed.

On the other hand, we have fun together, love to exchange ideas,

start busineses together, laugh and travel and share our concern

about our children. We have had the happiest of lives together and I

am so relieved that he did not kick me out for this flaw. He forgave

me because he is from Czechoslovakia and he just chalked up this

flaw to " being American " and " Americans were not taught how to sew,

cook, clean. " And he loves America. The truth is that I was a very

angry teenager and I rebelled against my mother and all those

womanly things we are supposed to learn from our mothers. And I

still feel that cleaning is HARD. I wish I could change because I

love him so much but so far, I'm not doing well. Maybe you could

keep a few areas of the house " yours " and he is not to go in. Then

you would only have to worry about the kitchen and the livingroom

and the bedroom. He could be in charge of the bedroom and the living

room and you the kitchen or vice versa. If you keep pushing, he will

improve but he may never be like you. Love, Lilka

> > >

> > > Dear Francisco,

> > >

> > > I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a

week

> or

> > > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you

> fascinating

> > > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I

can

> > > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-

> mindedness

> > > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat

> cancer.

> > >

> > > Randy

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Robynn, I am so admiring of your honesty here on this board. I enjoy

your writing and I love your soul. Thanks so much for sharing such

deep thoughts.

I have some thoughts about your " messy " guy. I am like him and

it has been a lot to handle for my neater husband who comes from a

mother who was in the camps and is very very clean today. We have

been married 35 years and somehow he has been able to put up with me

all these years. But it has not been easy. I leave drawers open,

food around, books piled up, papers amiss. I am sure I would drive

you crazy. And I have lived with neat people many times and they all

went crazy. I have to admit that I just don't think about it. When I

do think about it, I tell myself I will pick it up in a minute.

Meanwhile I forget. I can tell when my husband is in a stressed mood

because he makes comments about the state of the house. We have a

cleaning lady who comes twice a week. (It's a big house). Thank God

for her. She keeps the house tolerable. I have tried to remember to

close doors, do the dishes, straighten the pillows, and I think I

succeed about 50% of the time. It's never enough. Meanwhile, my

husband has become sloppier and his office, here in the house, is

not properly organized. This makes it hard for him to get mad at me.

I think we have both realized that as hard as I try, I can not

change my character in this regard. It's deep. So now what. I used

to beat myself up mentally for being a " sloth " but now I just see

this as something in my character that can not be enitirely changed.

On the other hand, we have fun together, love to exchange ideas,

start busineses together, laugh and travel and share our concern

about our children. We have had the happiest of lives together and I

am so relieved that he did not kick me out for this flaw. He forgave

me because he is from Czechoslovakia and he just chalked up this

flaw to " being American " and " Americans were not taught how to sew,

cook, clean. " And he loves America. The truth is that I was a very

angry teenager and I rebelled against my mother and all those

womanly things we are supposed to learn from our mothers. And I

still feel that cleaning is HARD. I wish I could change because I

love him so much but so far, I'm not doing well. Maybe you could

keep a few areas of the house " yours " and he is not to go in. Then

you would only have to worry about the kitchen and the livingroom

and the bedroom. He could be in charge of the bedroom and the living

room and you the kitchen or vice versa. If you keep pushing, he will

improve but he may never be like you. Love, Lilka

> > >

> > > Dear Francisco,

> > >

> > > I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a

week

> or

> > > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you

> fascinating

> > > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I

can

> > > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-

> mindedness

> > > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat

> cancer.

> > >

> > > Randy

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Donna. I agree that being honest and establishing boundaries (right from the beginning) is essential. There were too many times that in the interest of accomodation and people-pleasing, I just sucked it up and smiled. And then I wound up being filled with resentment towards my husband...which really wasn't fair. I'm learning to compromise a bit, because in the beginning, I was sort of in that "pendulum has swung too far" mode. You know, nothing could get by without me having a hissy. But, is trying more now, and I'm relaxing a bit at the same time. His standards are not the same as mine. On the other hand, my standards may not be entirely realistic when you have two people and a cat in an apartment. That being said, I am not caving on the fact that there are certain things that are simply not ok with me...and I won't tolerate living in squalor. So, we're getting

there...and fortunately, I think he realizes that he needs to try harder. I can train him to do certain things...I know that, because I am not a naturally neat and organized person. It requires work, thought and conscious behaviour on my part. ly, I turned myself around a couple of years ago...and so I know it is not impossible to implement new habits. Yes, from time to time, my apartment gets trashed when I'm too busy and tired to be vigilent. But, after a few days like that, I roll up my sleeves and re-implement my new found tools. It's like this weightloss journey. You may slip back into your old habits from time to time, but as long as you don't let it get out of hand for more than a few days, you can get back on track. Thanks for your insight... RobynnDonna Jordon wrote: Robynn I know this message was for Francisco, but I just have to say you shouldn't have to clean after someone all the time to feel comfortable in your own place. I did the same thing for my husband for 24 years and if he didn't like something even if I did I to took it down, pretty soon you aren't there except for being the maid, cook, cleaner, even when sex is good your not a whole person, then they start telling you they don't want you going here or there, whatever. This is when you are co-dependent of that person because we are not whole but am trying to do anything to please that person to make them feel good, keep the relationship because we're in love, have good sex, or have been married a long time, have had children. When I saw the psychologist about me and my husband he said no matter what you do, you can't change who a person is, things need to be talked about and they need to

change if they can or will, and in my husbands case can not due to mental illness. So the psychologist asked me when I was going to be a person and have a life? Also how I planned to make this happen? Would it happen if me and my husband stayed together? It took and a lot of searching to find the answer and what would work for everyone involved my husband, me and the boys. As sad as it is for our split, ALL of us seem so much happier. Of course there are sad times, and times we miss each other and times when the love still comes out. It's also like weight is lifted from all of us. Working through life isn't easy, and only we can do it. Just be true to thyn oun self, and don't be co-dependent, when something bothers you, say it. That's the only way to know if a relationship is really what it should be. Take Care. Sorry if I butted in, just so many of these things hit home. DonnaRobynn

VanPatten wrote: Francisco... Life-changing events, like the death of a parent, can certainly cause somebody to do some soul-searching. Leopards, sometimes, chard their spots. Just go in carefully, one toe at a time, ok? You have a tendency to leap in without checking to see how deep the water is, and one of these days you may break your neck. I love that about you, the faith, the hope, the romantic in you that has you plunge in, no holds barred. But, at the same time, you need to love yourself enough to realize that you would probably be better served if you checked the temperature of the water, and if you threw in a couple of stones to check the depth before doing the full, hands-free, head first, dive. The cool thing is that once

you do a little due-diligence, you can still experience the joy of the free-fall...and there will still be some of the thrill of the unknown...but at the same time, you are far less likely to wind up in a full-body cast! Things with are going swimmingly (thought I'd continue on the theme, hee hee). He's a genuinely sweet person, very comfortable to be around, and he's adorable. I'm very happy with him. However, my relationship with him has been a bit difficult for a few reasons: 1. I just finished the final paperwork for the divorce from Steve. Steve has been pushing me to get it done. he wants to be able to tell any future prospect, "Look, everything is done, we are just waiting for the court declaration" before he starts to date. so, I've tried to honor his request. But, I am sad almost all of the time. Although I've been separated from Steve for more than

2 years...we continued to have a rich friendship during the separation. He called nearly every day, and we frequently did thins together over the weekend. He was there by my side at the surgery, as protective as a Mama bear (Tim can attest to that.) He's hurt now, and so, I haven't seen him since October 4th. I don't know if I'll ever see him again. Part of him has an impulse to be friends with me, still...but another part of him doesn't want to settle for a shell of what we had...and also, he doesn't think it would be fair to someone he is dating to have them be comfortable with the fact that he's hanging out with his wife/ex-wife. This was conveyed through an e-mail.) He also said that in essence, the Robynn he loved no longer exists. It's as if I died...because THAT Robynn loved him. Divorce is unbearably heartbreaking. And even though is extremely understanding and sweet and supportive...and I can cry and he is not

threatened by it (I had a melt-down when I was re-arranging all of my jewelry, and I couldn't find my wedding ring and engagement ring. It just was so symbolic of how careless I am with things of value, like diamonds and marriages...) Also, for the first time, really...I have stripped away all of my self-justifications and rationalizations...and I'm fully facing up to the fact that I am a cheater. During the marriage, i cheated with Olivier...and while the physical was extremely limited (no sex), the emotional was not. And then, I slept with ...and yes, I was separated...but the bottom line is that I KNEW Steve wanted to be with me, still...and I was hedging my bets. I was somewhat honest with him, and partly I was trying to protect him from pain until I was sure about ...but to be perfectly frank...I was being selfish. I wanted to be sure of before I let go of Steve. And that is horrible. Steve didn't deserve to be

treated with such disregard. I need to own up to that and face that tendency in myself...the tendency to hold on to everyone that I've ever loved...because I need this security blanket around me. You know? 2. Olivier. Let's not fool ourselves here, I still have strong feelings for Olivier. We talk on the phone, and it's poignant. Olivier is trying to be somewhat respectful of the relationship I have with (the two met over dinner in Paris. that is part II of the story.) But, when Olivier and I saw each other alone in Paris ( knew), he said all of the things I've always wanted to hear from him. There is a big part of me that thinks he would probably run the other direction if I actually accepted his proposal and dumped . I told him as much. There is another part of him that is sure this relationship will run its course, and we will wind up together. He gave

me a diamond necklace, where the diamond is the hole of the number 6...signifying the beginning of our 6th year. Olivier complicates things. I love him very much, I care about him a bunch. But, he's hurt me. He's let me down. Frequently. He carries so much baggage from all of the tragedies in his life. He told me again that he wasn't good enough for me, and that deep down, I knew that. I mean, how do you deal with that? But, I must admit, that his presence in my life, in my heart (five years of believing that he was THE ONE is a hard thing to let go of) casts a shadow on my relationship with . 3. My own space. I have been in back to back relationships for the past 20 years. Non-stop. From one to the next. I had a one-year break back when I was 28...but I was still in contact with my ex, and I was really hoping we'd work it out. In my younger years, I was

constantly in transition. I lived out of a suitcase, on a student budget. When I started as a lawyer, I met Steve within 2 days. I lived in a furnished apartment, and had not started buying my own stuff...because I was supposed to be in Princeton for a temporary period of time, and then I was going to be moving to Philadelphia. So, rather than buy furniture, etc. that I would just have to pay to move later...I rented a place with someone else's stuff. And then I moved in with Steve, with his stuff. We ultimately bought a house together back there...and in some ways, that was the happiest time in my life. Yes, we still had all of his furniture, and we didn't really wind up buying any other stuff...since his was relatively new. But, I was able to make that house my own: painting, wallpapering, gardening, buying feminine touches and decorative items. In the end, it really reflected me (and Steve.) It was our nest,

and I entertained there, and my garden was famous...people from all of the different towns around would come to see it in the springtime. When we moved back to California (I'm a native SFer), we found a craftsman in Berkeley to rent. We were there for 6 years. It was a wonderful neighborhood (Elmwood/Rockridge). But, it was the home of a grandmother...and she was in an assisted living facility...and this was the family house that had never been rented before. So, I didn't feel right about tearing down wallpaper, painting, taking up the wall to wall carpeting. And then, on top of it, all of the furniture was Steve's...now 10 years old. And our life in California, because of the weather, was so much more active...that really, we were never at home on weekends. So, the place was usually messy (Steve was ridiculously stubborn about getting a housekeeper, even though we were both attorneys. His mother

was a stay at homer, and I think he believed I should do it all.), and I just felt it wasn't me. It didn't reflect me. In fact, he was so opinionated about things, that sometimes, if I put something on the wall, and he didn't like it...he'd take it down. He didn't compromise much in that area, and I didn't fight him enough. This took a toll on me, you know? Because even though I'm Miss Attorney, active as heck, etc...there is still a very large Martha lurking on the inside. And that inability to have a beautiful, peaceful home really robbed something from me. Fast forward to my apartment. I left all of the furniture with Steve, and so, everything in this apartment I bought and picked out (save the gifts). This place reflects me, and it's beautiful. I get great joy out of being here. It is organized and clean and neat. I have a housekeeper, and I pick up after

myself. It gives me a feeling of peace and well-being. It's not a small apartment. It has two large bedrooms, and plenty of closet space. Great views and light and I love it here. And now, I have someone (other than my very clean and polite kitty cat) sharing my space. And while he's french and an artist...he's a GUY. You know, he walks in and items just spring from him and wind up on every surface. He's not a neat person. At all. In fact, I think he likes clutter. Enough so that he thinks my place is a museum...which, it really isn't. It's warm and not one of those completely pristine places. Plus, my taste is more romantic than modern and linear. This has been very very difficult. Olivier, while I've never lived with him, has stayed with me for several weeks at a time. He's even more neat than I am, and fully appreciates the notion of Feng

Shui. Everything has it's place, and it should be there, unless you are using it at the same instant. Also, Olivier is more like a cat...quiet, calm, you barely know he's there in some ways. He'd make me a perfect latte every a.m., and bring it to me in bed...and by the time I got up, I could eat off the floors the place was so clean. , after much coaxing, brings me a cup of coffee...but you can bet there will be grounds on the counter and the floor as a result. HE's not as elegant. And he's an artist, so there's always supplies all over. Literally, in the beginning, my guitar (which he plays) was lying in the middle of the floor in the living room for three days..and then it was (of all places) on the kitchen table!! This may not sound like much...but after years of frustration and feeling like I had no place to reflect me...I am having a very hard time adusting. And I don't

think I should have to compromise on this. I think he's like a frat boy, and he needs to grow up and treat my things with respect. This is a big issue between us, perhaps the only one...and people think I'm being ridiculous. And yet, this is very very important to me. I have a job where I am constantly bombarded with paper. My office looks like a bomb exploded in it (Pam can attest), and there is no way that I can stay on top of the paperwork. And so, for me...clutter equals stress. I have pretty serious ADD, and so I need to find a peaceful place where my mind can relax and be tranquil. And if my home is cluttered...it's like I never rest. You know? I've explained this to , and he's trying in some ways...but it just isn't a big deal for him, and so what he thinks is clean..well...um, NOPE. Olivier's ex-wife was a slob, so I asked him how he handled it. he

said, "It wasn't a problem, I just cleaned up after her all the time. The difference between you and me is that you like things to be clean, but you don't like to clean up. I like to clean...so it's no problem for me." And he's right. I don't like cleaning up after people. Especially because I work hard all day...and takes an English class for a few hours everyday. I don't think I should have to be a slave when I get home. I already am always the one who cooks. (he makes a mean ratatouille...but other than that, he really doesn't cook.) So, these are normal adjustments that everyone goes through...but I find myself wondering if I even want to compromise anymore, you know? I mean, i kind of like being alone. But, on the other hand, I don't want to die alone in my apartment, and have my body found four days later after the cat has started eating my fingers out of necessity. (Sex in

the City reference.) And the sex is wonderful. And he makes me laugh. And he's very sweet, and very committed. And I enjoy his company. He is calming, in many respects. So, that is the very long answer to your very simple question. Ai. Robynn manisodream wrote: Robynn:Yes, it is THAT . And I know, I know... But 's had a rough couple of months. He went home for the holidays and his father died unexpectedly the night of his arrival, on Christmas Eve. He had to arrange his father's funeral for December 31st. Then right before he left his mother fell sick and had to be hospitalized

with pneumonia. Life has dealt him some pretty big blows recently. I think he's reevaluating his priorities.For now, I'm happy to offer him supportive friendship. And heck, he's so fun to look at, being the handsome stud he is. Anyway...When Steve comes back, I'm going to have a talk with him. Your suggestions are right on, as usual. Open communication is the best.So how are you adjusting to life with Monsieur ?Thanks for your wisdom. I certainly appreciate it.Francisco> >> > Dear Francisco,> > > > I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a week or > > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you fascinating > > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I can > > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-mindedness > > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat cancer.> > > > Randy> > >

>> > > > > >

[Guest guest]

Robynn Glad to hear your working on things with and I hope they get better, and you two are very happy together. You really understand so much and have so much insight on things, just remember to use the insight for the things you need also. Take care. DonnaRobynn VanPatten wrote: Thanks, Donna. I agree that being honest and establishing boundaries (right from the beginning) is essential. There were too many times that in the interest of accomodation and people-pleasing, I just sucked it up and smiled. And then I wound up being filled with resentment towards my husband...which really wasn't fair. I'm learning to compromise a bit, because in the beginning, I was sort of in that "pendulum has swung too far" mode. You know, nothing

could get by without me having a hissy. But, is trying more now, and I'm relaxing a bit at the same time. His standards are not the same as mine. On the other hand, my standards may not be entirely realistic when you have two people and a cat in an apartment. That being said, I am not caving on the fact that there are certain things that are simply not ok with me...and I won't tolerate living in squalor. So, we're getting there...and fortunately, I think he realizes that he needs to try harder. I can train him to do certain things...I know that, because I am not a naturally neat and organized person. It requires work, thought and conscious behaviour on my part. ly, I turned myself around a couple of years ago...and so I know it is not impossible to implement new habits. Yes, from time to time, my apartment gets trashed when I'm too busy and tired to be vigilent. But, after a few days like that,

I roll up my sleeves and re-implement my new found tools. It's like this weightloss journey. You may slip back into your old habits from time to time, but as long as you don't let it get out of hand for more than a few days, you can get back on track. Thanks for your insight... RobynnDonna Jordon wrote: Robynn I know this message was for Francisco, but I just have to say you shouldn't have to clean after someone all the time to feel comfortable in your own place. I did the same thing for my husband for 24 years and if he didn't like something even if I did I to took it down, pretty soon you aren't there except for being the maid, cook, cleaner, even when sex is good your not a whole person, then they start telling you they don't

want you going here or there, whatever. This is when you are co-dependent of that person because we are not whole but am trying to do anything to please that person to make them feel good, keep the relationship because we're in love, have good sex, or have been married a long time, have had children. When I saw the psychologist about me and my husband he said no matter what you do, you can't change who a person is, things need to be talked about and they need to change if they can or will, and in my husbands case can not due to mental illness. So the psychologist asked me when I was going to be a person and have a life? Also how I planned to make this happen? Would it happen if me and my husband stayed together? It took and a lot of searching to find the answer and what would work for everyone involved my husband, me and the boys. As sad as it is for our split, ALL of us seem so much happier. Of course there are sad times, and times we

miss each other and times when the love still comes out. It's also like weight is lifted from all of us. Working through life isn't easy, and only we can do it. Just be true to thyn oun self, and don't be co-dependent, when something bothers you, say it. That's the only way to know if a relationship is really what it should be. Take Care. Sorry if I butted in, just so many of these things hit home. DonnaRobynn VanPatten wrote: Francisco... Life-changing events, like the death of a parent, can certainly cause somebody to do some soul-searching. Leopards, sometimes, chard their spots. Just go in carefully, one toe at a time, ok? You have a tendency to leap in without checking to see how deep the water is, and one of these days you

may break your neck. I love that about you, the faith, the hope, the romantic in you that has you plunge in, no holds barred. But, at the same time, you need to love yourself enough to realize that you would probably be better served if you checked the temperature of the water, and if you threw in a couple of stones to check the depth before doing the full, hands-free, head first, dive. The cool thing is that once you do a little due-diligence, you can still experience the joy of the free-fall...and there will still be some of the thrill of the unknown...but at the same time, you are far less likely to wind up in a full-body cast! Things with are going swimmingly (thought I'd continue on the theme, hee hee). He's a genuinely sweet person, very comfortable to be around, and he's adorable. I'm very happy with him. However, my relationship with him has been a bit difficult for a

few reasons: 1. I just finished the final paperwork for the divorce from Steve. Steve has been pushing me to get it done. he wants to be able to tell any future prospect, "Look, everything is done, we are just waiting for the court declaration" before he starts to date. so, I've tried to honor his request. But, I am sad almost all of the time. Although I've been separated from Steve for more than 2 years...we continued to have a rich friendship during the separation. He called nearly every day, and we frequently did thins together over the weekend. He was there by my side at the surgery, as protective as a Mama bear (Tim can attest to that.) He's hurt now, and so, I haven't seen him since October 4th. I don't know if I'll ever see him again. Part of him has an impulse to be friends with me, still...but another part of him doesn't want to settle for a shell of what we had...and also, he

doesn't think it would be fair to someone he is dating to have them be comfortable with the fact that he's hanging out with his wife/ex-wife. This was conveyed through an e-mail.) He also said that in essence, the Robynn he loved no longer exists. It's as if I died...because THAT Robynn loved him. Divorce is unbearably heartbreaking. And even though is extremely understanding and sweet and supportive...and I can cry and he is not threatened by it (I had a melt-down when I was re-arranging all of my jewelry, and I couldn't find my wedding ring and engagement ring. It just was so symbolic of how careless I am with things of value, like diamonds and marriages...) Also, for the first time, really...I have stripped away all of my self-justifications and rationalizations...and I'm fully facing up to the fact that I am a cheater. During the marriage, i cheated with Olivier...and while the physical was extremely limited (no sex), the

emotional was not. And then, I slept with ...and yes, I was separated...but the bottom line is that I KNEW Steve wanted to be with me, still...and I was hedging my bets. I was somewhat honest with him, and partly I was trying to protect him from pain until I was sure about ...but to be perfectly frank...I was being selfish. I wanted to be sure of before I let go of Steve. And that is horrible. Steve didn't deserve to be treated with such disregard. I need to own up to that and face that tendency in myself...the tendency to hold on to everyone that I've ever loved...because I need this security blanket around me. You know? 2. Olivier. Let's not fool ourselves here, I still have strong feelings for Olivier. We talk on the phone, and it's poignant. Olivier is trying to be somewhat respectful of the relationship I have with (the two met over dinner in Paris.

that is part II of the story.) But, when Olivier and I saw each other alone in Paris ( knew), he said all of the things I've always wanted to hear from him. There is a big part of me that thinks he would probably run the other direction if I actually accepted his proposal and dumped . I told him as much. There is another part of him that is sure this relationship will run its course, and we will wind up together. He gave me a diamond necklace, where the diamond is the hole of the number 6...signifying the beginning of our 6th year. Olivier complicates things. I love him very much, I care about him a bunch. But, he's hurt me. He's let me down. Frequently. He carries so much baggage from all of the tragedies in his life. He told me again that he wasn't good enough for me, and that deep down, I knew that. I mean, how do you deal with that? But, I must admit, that his presence in my life,

in my heart (five years of believing that he was THE ONE is a hard thing to let go of) casts a shadow on my relationship with . 3. My own space. I have been in back to back relationships for the past 20 years. Non-stop. From one to the next. I had a one-year break back when I was 28...but I was still in contact with my ex, and I was really hoping we'd work it out. In my younger years, I was constantly in transition. I lived out of a suitcase, on a student budget. When I started as a lawyer, I met Steve within 2 days. I lived in a furnished apartment, and had not started buying my own stuff...because I was supposed to be in Princeton for a temporary period of time, and then I was going to be moving to Philadelphia. So, rather than buy furniture, etc. that I would just have to pay to move later...I rented a place with someone else's stuff. And then I moved in with Steve, with his

stuff. We ultimately bought a house together back there...and in some ways, that was the happiest time in my life. Yes, we still had all of his furniture, and we didn't really wind up buying any other stuff...since his was relatively new. But, I was able to make that house my own: painting, wallpapering, gardening, buying feminine touches and decorative items. In the end, it really reflected me (and Steve.) It was our nest, and I entertained there, and my garden was famous...people from all of the different towns around would come to see it in the springtime. When we moved back to California (I'm a native SFer), we found a craftsman in Berkeley to rent. We were there for 6 years. It was a wonderful neighborhood (Elmwood/Rockridge). But, it was the home of a grandmother...and she was in an assisted living facility...and this was the family house that had never been rented before. So, I

didn't feel right about tearing down wallpaper, painting, taking up the wall to wall carpeting. And then, on top of it, all of the furniture was Steve's...now 10 years old. And our life in California, because of the weather, was so much more active...that really, we were never at home on weekends. So, the place was usually messy (Steve was ridiculously stubborn about getting a housekeeper, even though we were both attorneys. His mother was a stay at homer, and I think he believed I should do it all.), and I just felt it wasn't me. It didn't reflect me. In fact, he was so opinionated about things, that sometimes, if I put something on the wall, and he didn't like it...he'd take it down. He didn't compromise much in that area, and I didn't fight him enough. This took a toll on me, you know? Because even though I'm Miss Attorney, active as heck, etc...there is still a very large Martha lurking on the

inside. And that inability to have a beautiful, peaceful home really robbed something from me. Fast forward to my apartment. I left all of the furniture with Steve, and so, everything in this apartment I bought and picked out (save the gifts). This place reflects me, and it's beautiful. I get great joy out of being here. It is organized and clean and neat. I have a housekeeper, and I pick up after myself. It gives me a feeling of peace and well-being. It's not a small apartment. It has two large bedrooms, and plenty of closet space. Great views and light and I love it here. And now, I have someone (other than my very clean and polite kitty cat) sharing my space. And while he's french and an artist...he's a GUY. You know, he walks in and items just spring from him and wind up on every surface. He's not a neat person. At all. In fact, I think he likes

clutter. Enough so that he thinks my place is a museum...which, it really isn't. It's warm and not one of those completely pristine places. Plus, my taste is more romantic than modern and linear. This has been very very difficult. Olivier, while I've never lived with him, has stayed with me for several weeks at a time. He's even more neat than I am, and fully appreciates the notion of Feng Shui. Everything has it's place, and it should be there, unless you are using it at the same instant. Also, Olivier is more like a cat...quiet, calm, you barely know he's there in some ways. He'd make me a perfect latte every a.m., and bring it to me in bed...and by the time I got up, I could eat off the floors the place was so clean. , after much coaxing, brings me a cup of coffee...but you can bet there will be grounds on the counter and the floor as a result. HE's not as

elegant. And he's an artist, so there's always supplies all over. Literally, in the beginning, my guitar (which he plays) was lying in the middle of the floor in the living room for three days..and then it was (of all places) on the kitchen table!! This may not sound like much...but after years of frustration and feeling like I had no place to reflect me...I am having a very hard time adusting. And I don't think I should have to compromise on this. I think he's like a frat boy, and he needs to grow up and treat my things with respect. This is a big issue between us, perhaps the only one...and people think I'm being ridiculous. And yet, this is very very important to me. I have a job where I am constantly bombarded with paper. My office looks like a bomb exploded in it (Pam can attest), and there is no way that I can stay on top of the paperwork. And so, for me...clutter

equals stress. I have pretty serious ADD, and so I need to find a peaceful place where my mind can relax and be tranquil. And if my home is cluttered...it's like I never rest. You know? I've explained this to , and he's trying in some ways...but it just isn't a big deal for him, and so what he thinks is clean..well...um, NOPE. Olivier's ex-wife was a slob, so I asked him how he handled it. he said, "It wasn't a problem, I just cleaned up after her all the time. The difference between you and me is that you like things to be clean, but you don't like to clean up. I like to clean...so it's no problem for me." And he's right. I don't like cleaning up after people. Especially because I work hard all day...and takes an English class for a few hours everyday. I don't think I should have to be a slave when I get home. I already am always the one who cooks. (he makes a mean

ratatouille...but other than that, he really doesn't cook.) So, these are normal adjustments that everyone goes through...but I find myself wondering if I even want to compromise anymore, you know? I mean, i kind of like being alone. But, on the other hand, I don't want to die alone in my apartment, and have my body found four days later after the cat has started eating my fingers out of necessity. (Sex in the City reference.) And the sex is wonderful. And he makes me laugh. And he's very sweet, and very committed. And I enjoy his company. He is calming, in many respects. So, that is the very long answer to your very simple question. Ai. Robynn manisodream wrote: Robynn:Yes, it is THAT . And I know, I know... But 's had a rough couple of months. He went home for the holidays and his father died unexpectedly the night of his arrival, on Christmas Eve. He had to arrange his father's funeral for December 31st. Then right before he left his mother fell sick and had to be hospitalized with pneumonia. Life has dealt him some pretty big blows recently. I think he's reevaluating his priorities.For now, I'm happy to offer him supportive friendship. And heck, he's so fun to look at, being the handsome stud he is. Anyway...When Steve comes back, I'm going to have a talk with him. Your suggestions are right on, as usual. Open communication is the best.So how are you adjusting to life with Monsieur ?Thanks for your

wisdom. I certainly appreciate it.Francisco> >> > Dear Francisco,> > >

> I have never met you. I have only been in this group for a week or > > two. And already, with no doubts whatsoever, I find you fascinating > > and inspiring and a marvelous role model in many ways. If I can > > approach my upcoming treatment with your humor and tough-mindedness > > and dedication and open-hearted hope and emotion, I can beat cancer.> > > > Randy> > > >> > > > > >