Body image--response to Donna

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Warning. If you are offended by a frank discussion of intimate,

sexual relationships, plese delete this message and read no further.

Thanks.

Wow, Donna…

You point out something that I struggle with. Body image.

I've been at goal weight for over a year, and I've been single for

nearly nine months. In that time, I've dated, and on some of those

dates, I've ended up in more intimate circumstances.

I have never been comfortable being naked in front of a stranger, let

alone someone I'm attracted to. Yes, after 11 years, when my ex saw

me naked, that was no big deal. But someone new always seems like a

mine field to me.

Jim was a man who I met while square dancing. He is so cute, so

athletic, so out of my league (or so I thought). He's got a shaved

head and to small hoop earrings like Mr. Clean. He's got an olive

complexion and a flirtatious way about him. I could tell he was

interested. I think the way he pinched my butt and held on while we

hugged (hugging is the way you thank your square in gay and lesbian

square dancing) clued me in to his interest.

We went out to dinner one Wednesday before square dancing class, and

well, we never made to the class. In the parking garage, at my car,

he surprised me with a passionate, deep kiss, and practically

plastered me to my car door. The intensity and power of his

movements were intoxicating, yet he was gentle.

Jim took me to his place where we could enjoy the hot tub. His

clothes were off in an instant, but I was disrobing more slowly. He

approached me, totally naked (wow, I thought that kind of body only

existed in underwear catalogs) and began undressing me.

" You know, I have some scars… " I demurred. He said, " I figured you

would. But you don't realize how sexy you are. " And as he removed

my shirt, he felt my chest scars and said, " You should be proud of

what achievement these represent. " He then kissed my scars, moving

from my chest to my stomach (I had open RNY). " Your stomach is

amazingly tight. I thought it would feel somehow, I don't know,

looser. " The abdominoplasty and thousands of sit ups had made the

difference.

And now we come to Philippe. Oh, this man has me wondering how

things will play out between us. I revealed to my dear friend Norah,

how much Philippe is getting close to my heart. There is definite

infatuation on both our parts. I told Norah, " Philippe looks like a

husband. " And just as all long-term friends understand each other's

language, she knew exactly what I meant. He's not a pretty boy.

He's just an average, masculine guy. The kind of guy you see on the

street with a husband (or wife) and maybe a kid in tow. And you say

to yourself, " How did he (she) get so lucky? " He just has this solid

look that speaks to my being at a deep level.

Philippe and I have not had sex, and we are taking things slowly

because we both see that as something important, a milestone in the

development of a relationship. But last night, as we spoke about

everything and nothing, he revealed something that hit a raw nerve.

He said, " I fantasize about you all the time, and it scares me… I'm

usually attracted to a different type of guy. But last Thursday…

getting your emails and hearing your voice. I was in a constant

state of arousal at my desk at work. You're driving me crazy. " My

heart sank, and I fell silent.

He continued saying, " I love your nose. I want to bite you. Is it

OK to bite you? " And I didn't answer. He said, " What's wrong? Did

I go too far? Did I offend you? "

" No, um…. "

" Just say it, Francisco. Tell me. "

" You… well, I… well, you know I have body image issues, right? "

" Yes, we've talked about that. And I don't know what's happening to

me. The guys I've been with before… well, let me just say, my ex was

6'4 " and 230 lbs of muscle. "

" OK, now I feel better, " I said with ironic sarcasm.

" Let me just say Francisco, I am scared by how much I want you. I

want sex between us to be wonderful, but I'm scared by the fantasy of

having you. "

The fantasy of me? Me? How can this be? Philippe and I went on to

discuss that the physical is only the window dressing and that it's

the person who matters. There's obvious chemistry between us, but

we'll have to see how that plays out in the bedroom, when the time is

right, if it is ever right.

Then I inadvertently touched on his insecurities. He said, " So…

Francisco, tell me. What do you think of me? I mean, you know that

I am at the mercy of my company and the INS. If I get fired (he's a

biochemist), I could end up in Canada in a year. What do you feel

about that? "

I said, " Well, um… " struggling with my words, " I think that well, as

you know, I've dated a lot since I broke up with my ex. "

" Yes, I know. You've told me… "

" I haven't found the one, and well, I'm wanting to slow down and take

a break from it all. Take a break for dating so many guys… and… "

" Francisco, if I am annoying you, just tell me, and I'll stop

bothering you… "

" Oh my God, no, Philippe, no. What I'm struggling to tell you is

that… What I'm afraid to tell you is the exact opposite. I only want

to date you. I don't want anyone else. I want to explore where

things will go with us… OK? "

" Why would you be afraid to tell me that? I thought you were dumping

me. Here I am falling for this great guy I just met, and I

think, `he's dumping me'. "

Falling for me. Those words stuck in my head. I like the way they

sound. Maybe I've found someone who's on the same page as me.

Maybe.

The tone in his voice changed from hurt and confusion to

reassurance. He's been really hurt by his ex who cheated on him left

and right. That's why he left everything behind and came to San

Francisco to start out anew. So, Philippe, like all of us, has his

deep insecurities too. And I think that's part of his attraction to

me. I think he likes that fact that I'm a simple, church-going,

regular Joe. Maybe he thinks I'm husband material too. If he does

think that, he's right.

As the conversation came to a close, he said, " Can I ask you a favor? "

" Sure… "

" Will you pray for me in church tomorrow? " he asked. That touched me

deeper than he knows.

" You've already been in my prayers, " I replied.

" What did you ask for? "

" I asked that your transition from Montreal to San Francisco be as

pain free and smooth as possible, that you find connections that

having meaning for you, and that you be happy. "

" That is sweet. Will you light a candle for me too? "

" Yes, of course, " I said. We said our good-byes, and soon I fell

into a contented sleep in which there were many undefined, random

dreams about him. Wouldn't it be wonderful if those dreams came to

life?

So… here I am again. My internal tapes want to tell me that I'm not

good enough. My insecurities are telling me that I will be hurt once

again. But one thing I've learning through all this is that I have

to walk through my fear. I have to be OK with it and face it with

courageous optimism. Sure, I may get hurt again, but I'll be OK.

And amazingly, all these heart matters have not caused me to stray

from taking care of myself. My eating and exercise regime are intact

because I'm feeding myself what I need. I'm nourishing my soul with

love from me, and I'm allowing the love from God to penetrate into my

soul, my core, and I'm holding it there.

I never let anyone, not even God into that space where unconditional

love resides. Now I feel that presence, and it's made all the

difference in the world.

Francisco

n gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients , Donna

Jordon <dsjordon@y...> wrote:

>

> Francisco

> Reconstructive surgery helps make the person more sexy, or you

have to keep the saggy skin. I just think all people don't

understand, if they see you in clothes and you look sexy they don't

understand the need for reconstructive surgery which causes pain and

leaves scares. Then for WLS people it makes them feel even better

about the surgery they had, which is a hard thing for many to

understand in the first place. We need to feel beautiful and good

about our self. There is nothing wrong with this,but not every in our

lives will understand this and we have to except this. LOL Donna

>