Body acceptance (was Re: Robynn--French guys II)

[Guest guest]

I'm also enjoying the romance novel Francisco is writing, but I want

to respond to something Robynn wrote about body acceptance. I'm

snipping heavily to keep from reposting everything - but here's the

part I'm talking about:

> The best thing that French men offer the world, in my opinion, is

>unconditional acceptance and admiration. Attraction to the whole of

>you, not just the pretty parts. You need not fit into the Ken doll

>mode...that is not interesting. You are obviously attractive, from

>a completely objective perspective...but more than that, to this

>man, you are attractive on a much deeper level...because he's

>attracted to YOU...and unlike most American men, he is probably not

>comparing you to some " ideal " that fits the American (limited)

>perspective of what is attractive. (You know: tall, blonde, blue

>eyes, perfectly chiseled...whatever...or " tall dark and handsome " ).

>

> I've found that American men articulate what they prefer in women

>quite easily: blonde, big boobs, long legs, tall, blue eyes, thin.

>I've asked them, and they come out with that. I've asked French

>men, and I get, " Brunette, blonde, redhead, shaved...brown, blue or

>green eyes...tall or short...thin or pleasantly plump...petite or

>tall...it depends upon the woman, and how she carries herself. Some

>women are their best with very short, chic hair. Others look better

>with long, flowing locks. It's like clothes...every woman has their

>own style, their own unique element that makes them attractive. "

I'm willing to believe that it's more common for French men to have

that attitude than American men - but before the singles on this list

start to despair, I want to emphasize that it DOES exist here as

well. There are actually many men (and women) who care much less

about a perfect body than about the personality and soul of the

person they date.

Unfortunately, it can be hard to find these people. If they're

extraverted, sociable, and willing to put themselves " out there " ,

then sometimes you'll find them. I think those folks tend to be

easier to find in social settings like parties, clubs, and the like.

But many people are not so outgoing - they're introverted, or shy, or

like many of us they've been hurt just enough that they're cautious

about baring their souls to others. And when you combine their

difficulty in opening up to us, with OUR inability to believe that we

could be lovable and/or desirable to others in spite of all our

imperfections, then you have the potential for a lot of

misunderstandings and loneliness.

I've given this a lot of thought over the years. I've been married

for more than 23 years to a guy who truly loves me for the person I

am, not the shape of my body. I was thinner then but I've never been

slender. I was well over 220 when we met, and I definitely had body

image issues. I'd also taken a lot of hits to my self-esteem during

adolescence. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends, I didn't think I was

particularly pretty, and although I was gregarious I was fairly shy

around guys.

However, along the way I'd also gotten active with a historical re-

creation group where people were encouraged to develop a

historical " persona " , or character they might have been if they had

lived in the Middle Ages. I developed some unusual hobbies, such as

designing and making historical costumes. And I discovered that many

of those in this group took a different view of appearance - if you

presented yourself as an interesting and attractive person, you were

treated as an interesting and attractive person. Flirtation was

rampant. And when I had interesting and attractive people who acted

as if I was interesting and attractive too, I began to realize that

there really are people who look further than the surface.

I think many of us with poor body images have so much trouble

accepting compliments that we literally don't hear them - our minds

simply ignore the words as polite fictions that don't have any real

meaning, rather than accepting that someone could actually find

something about us attractive. If you can't accept a compliment as a

sincere expression of someone's thoughts and feelings, then you'll

have a lot of trouble accepting that they really could find you

attractive. (Flirting is a lot more difficult if you don't even

recognize that someone is trying to compliment you!)

Anyway, by the time I met my husband, I had learned to relax about my

appearance somewhat. I'd also learned to " hear " compliments sometimes

without brushing them off. But if I hadn't, I might have totally

missed this sweet, cute, but kind of nerdy guy's opening comments to

me or misinterpreted his attempts at flirting as simply a corny kind

of humor.

Which brings me back to my main point. . . I suspect that there are

really a lot of people out there who actually are capable of looking

past our exteriors to see the people we really are. Part of the

problem we have is recognizing them. Part of the problem is letting

ourselves believe them.

Cathy