RE: Body acceptance--Cathy

[Guest guest]

Cathy:

You are so on target about this! Last Friday night, I was at a

church party and a really cute guy made a point to come over and talk

to me. I was being such an awkward wall flower. In party

situations, I'm shy to an almost crippling extent. Earlier in the

evening, I almost bolted from the party. It was really sweet of him

to come over and talk.

He started asking questions about me, and then we found out that

we've both run the National AIDS Marathon, me in San Francisco, him

in Honolulu. I told him that I was still running, and he started

making comments about how he should get back into running.

There was the perfect opening to invite him to run with me, but did

I? NO! I didn't even realize that he was flirting with me and

expressing interest until after I left the party, thought about it,

and talked to another friend about it. But then again, he could have

asked for my number, but maybe my devastating looks intimidated him

(yeah right!)

I'm just so un-used to someone taking interest in me that way that it

just doesn't register. I'm getting better at it, but 40 years of

negative tapes are hard to erase in only 2 years of this process.

I think I'll struggle with Philippe's attraction to me for awhile.

But what a sweet struggle it is. Some friends have seen Philippe's

pics (I'd post them here, but I don't want to do that without

Philippe's permission), and they understand why I feel the stakes are

high with him. His look is the type I'd want to be around for a

long, long time. And the personality, wow… (And don't get me

started on the biceps…)

Francisco

>

> I'm also enjoying the romance novel Francisco is writing, but I

want

> to respond to something Robynn wrote about body acceptance. I'm

> snipping heavily to keep from reposting everything - but here's the

> part I'm talking about:

>

> > The best thing that French men offer the world, in my opinion,

is

> >unconditional acceptance and admiration. Attraction to the whole

of

> >you, not just the pretty parts. You need not fit into the Ken

doll

> >mode...that is not interesting. You are obviously attractive,

from

> >a completely objective perspective...but more than that, to this

> >man, you are attractive on a much deeper level...because he's

> >attracted to YOU...and unlike most American men, he is probably

not

> >comparing you to some " ideal " that fits the American (limited)

> >perspective of what is attractive. (You know: tall, blonde, blue

> >eyes, perfectly chiseled...whatever...or " tall dark and

handsome " ).

> >

> > I've found that American men articulate what they prefer in

women

> >quite easily: blonde, big boobs, long legs, tall, blue eyes,

thin.

> >I've asked them, and they come out with that. I've asked French

> >men, and I get, " Brunette, blonde, redhead, shaved...brown, blue

or

> >green eyes...tall or short...thin or pleasantly plump...petite or

> >tall...it depends upon the woman, and how she carries herself.

Some

> >women are their best with very short, chic hair. Others look

better

> >with long, flowing locks. It's like clothes...every woman has

their

> >own style, their own unique element that makes them attractive. "

>

> I'm willing to believe that it's more common for French men to have

> that attitude than American men - but before the singles on this

list

> start to despair, I want to emphasize that it DOES exist here as

> well. There are actually many men (and women) who care much less

> about a perfect body than about the personality and soul of the

> person they date.

>

> Unfortunately, it can be hard to find these people. If they're

> extraverted, sociable, and willing to put themselves " out there " ,

> then sometimes you'll find them. I think those folks tend to be

> easier to find in social settings like parties, clubs, and the

like.

> But many people are not so outgoing - they're introverted, or shy,

or

> like many of us they've been hurt just enough that they're cautious

> about baring their souls to others. And when you combine their

> difficulty in opening up to us, with OUR inability to believe that

we

> could be lovable and/or desirable to others in spite of all our

> imperfections, then you have the potential for a lot of

> misunderstandings and loneliness.

>

> I've given this a lot of thought over the years. I've been married

> for more than 23 years to a guy who truly loves me for the person I

> am, not the shape of my body. I was thinner then but I've never

been

> slender. I was well over 220 when we met, and I definitely had body

> image issues. I'd also taken a lot of hits to my self-esteem during

> adolescence. I didn't have a lot of boyfriends, I didn't think I

was

> particularly pretty, and although I was gregarious I was fairly shy

> around guys.

>

> However, along the way I'd also gotten active with a historical re-

> creation group where people were encouraged to develop a

> historical " persona " , or character they might have been if they had

> lived in the Middle Ages. I developed some unusual hobbies, such as

> designing and making historical costumes. And I discovered that

many

> of those in this group took a different view of appearance - if you

> presented yourself as an interesting and attractive person, you

were

> treated as an interesting and attractive person. Flirtation was

> rampant. And when I had interesting and attractive people who acted

> as if I was interesting and attractive too, I began to realize that

> there really are people who look further than the surface.

>

> I think many of us with poor body images have so much trouble

> accepting compliments that we literally don't hear them - our minds

> simply ignore the words as polite fictions that don't have any real

> meaning, rather than accepting that someone could actually find

> something about us attractive. If you can't accept a compliment as

a

> sincere expression of someone's thoughts and feelings, then you'll

> have a lot of trouble accepting that they really could find you

> attractive. (Flirting is a lot more difficult if you don't even

> recognize that someone is trying to compliment you!)

>

> Anyway, by the time I met my husband, I had learned to relax about

my

> appearance somewhat. I'd also learned to " hear " compliments

sometimes

> without brushing them off. But if I hadn't, I might have totally

> missed this sweet, cute, but kind of nerdy guy's opening comments

to

> me or misinterpreted his attempts at flirting as simply a corny

kind

> of humor.

>

> Which brings me back to my main point. . . I suspect that there are

> really a lot of people out there who actually are capable of

looking

> past our exteriors to see the people we really are. Part of the

> problem we have is recognizing them. Part of the problem is letting

> ourselves believe them.

>

> Cathy

>