Does anyone else have a difficult time during the holidays?

December 1, 2004

My son is 5 1/2 now so you would think I'd handle the holidays

better. But every year around this time I seem to get depressed. My

is severely delayed and I guess buying Xmas presents reminds me

that he hasn't really improved in 5 years. In fact each year he

seems to develop more issues. He was born in September so that first

Xmas we were blissfully unaware of any problems. I also have an

older son who may be autistic and/or bipolar(mito related?) He is

becoming more of a behavioral problem lately.

I normally am very grateful that my is in better health than

some. I can't even imagine those who have lost their angels and what

they go through. But I am usually very aware of how fortunate we

are. But this time of year is just really difficult for me. My

husband is having a hard time being patient with me. He's such a

wonderful husband & father and very calm and rational. But when my

mood is a little dark it seems to affect him as well.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not lying in bed all day. I get up each

morning and do my routine, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner & I helped

decorate for Xmas already. But inside I'm just so sad. I call it

being functionally depressed-LOL

I've told my husband that my heart just aches for both my sons. Any

parent wants the best for their kids and it kills me that they have

so many issues. I mourn a little for the " normal " kids that they

should have been. I also carry the guilt that their issues are my

fault. I didn't do anything wrong but since I carried them I feel

that I'm to blame. I don't say that so someone can absolve my

guilt. I tell my husband that I will always feel a little

responsible no matter what the docs say.

I'm sorry if I made anyone else sad. I'm sure you all have bad

days/weeks. I guess it helps to get it out. Thanks for listening:)

Blessings,

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