dumping my thoughts, hoping for help...

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I have not gotten very many posts the past two days from this list, so I just

went to the website and found out I have been bouncing e-mails and my account

was deactivated. If I didn't respond to someone I most likely didn't get your

post. Anyway, I am about to burst with thoughts/feelings/questions about the

possibility of having the DS. . .

I have been doing some serious soul searching in regards to this surgery and

really need to spill my guts and get some feedback. I apologize for the

length, but do hope a few of you actually make it through this and reply to me.

The closer that I get to the possibility of surgery the more scared I get. And

all I've done so far is talk to my PCP about it and decide on a surgeon I'd like

to possibly make a consultation appointment with! The thought of complications

during and after the procedure scares me to death, so I haven't made a consult

appt. yet. I'm also afraid I'll have to be off from work for more days than I

have for sick leave. I don't know how to handle that. I know some of you have

suggested that I look into disability, so I did, but learned that I don't have

short-term coverage. I can't afford to take leave without pay. Also, I work

for a church and we are terribly understaffed, and just last week my senior

co-worker put in her two week notice. So there is no way I can take a full

month any time this year. But maybe by next year the new person will be broken

in well enough for me to be off for a while. But how would I live without my

paychecks?! Would my job even hold my job for me for a month? Or let me take

leave without pay? Questions, questions.

Also, I have been scared to talk about it with my friends and family for fear of

their reaction, but part of me has been bursting at the seams to talk about it

with someone. So finally today I told a co-worker and my mom. The co-worker

was very supportive. My mom was understandably a bit more scared about the

prospect, but she did say she would support me if I decide to have the surgery.

I told her how much I currently weigh and she was shocked to know it was that

high, but she is scared for me to have " major surgery. "

I'm also wrestling with whether I truly need to have this surgery. I'm feeling

a lot of guilt about my relationship with food... am thinking

thoughts like " I am a fat lazy cow, it's all my fault that I'm so big, b/c I

never exercise and I overeat, etc. " I could really use some help to

sort this out. So here's the deal...

I have a BMI of 40 (a few short weeks ago it was a 38 or 39 and now I am already

up to 40 - gaining weight like there is no tomorrow), and that is

right on the border of qualifying for the surgery, and I'm still fairly young -

32 years old. But I have insulin resistance (aka " borderline

diabetes " ), hypothyroidism, chronic back pain, chronic fatigue, PCOS &

infertility, GERD, depression, water retention, shortness of breath, am waiting

for the test results to see if I have sleep apnea (we know for sure that I

snore), and I feel like %$#@* & !! all the time - does that count as a

co-morbidity?! LOL. But seriously, I truly do feel horrible all the time. It

gets old.

It looks like a " no-brainer " when I list all the co-morbids, but that voice

keeps saying to me " It's your fault, you eat too much, you shouldn't have to

resort to surgery, if you had more will power you wouldn't be this fat, you

could go on a diet and exercise and you'd loose weight the 'regular' way. " And

then I wonder, " couldn't I just 'buckle up' and do the 'diet thing' again? Do I

really have to resort to permanently changing my digestive system and putting

myself at risk for complications? " The thing is if I don't do something I can

totally see myself just continuing to gain weight and eventually have a much,

much higher BMI with a lot more health problems, and so far I haven't been

successful with dieting and exercise.

And lastly, I am wondering... right now, pre-op, I have *terrible* sugar and

other carb cravings and can't resist eating them even though I know I shouldn't.

So why will that be any different after the surgery? I mean, what if I get the

surgery and continue to scarf down sugar? Will it do any good? Or will I still

be in the same boat? How do I know that my only problem isn't that I have a

huge eating disorder and no matter what I do to my guts I will still want to

pack away sugar laden food?

I am just in plain old torment over this. Please help me sort this out. I'm

hearing so many thoughts in my head I can't keep them straight! It's

like there is a committee in there having a conference. Thank you for reading

if you got this far.