talking to family

[Guest guest]

This is obviously a major challenge for me, the issue of explaining to the family what is going on so that they can choose to be part of my healing team- or not. Last week my husband and I spent a wonderful week at the coast. For the first time in months, I got up at the same time he did, and I went to sleep at the same time he did. My "normal" pattern has been to stay up a couple of hours after he's gone to bed so that I can turn my brain off so that I can sleep.

Since we've been home, every night is - as usual- a time for Dave and our son to do their workouts. We have a full Nautilus weight system, a treadmill and exercise bike. My son's best friend, a wonderful kid that has been a part of our life and family for the last 15 yrs, also comes over to work out.

The challenge is that likes to have dinner, then work out. The boys want to work out, then eat. And no one starts at the same time-- it's a 3 to 4 hour process. Someone will be on the weights, someone on the treadmill or bike, and lots--LOTS of testosterone.

My son also purchased a new Play station with an electric guitar, and part of the "fun" is to hook it up to the tv in the living room-- and while waiting for the equipment to come available they all try to learn to play the guitar.

The other component is that the exercise equipment is in the laundry room, which serves as my office also--so my computer is in there-- and unaccessible while they work out.

So-- I am run out of my living room, my office, and end up in my bedroom. Because of the neuropathy, reading a book lying down is hell on the hands and arms.

Now-- and I had a talk tonight over dinner-- and he asked what was up-- while gone, I could operate on the same schedule he's on. So I explained that with all the energy, the noise of weights being lifted and slammed back down on the bars, the guitar, the challenges of who's going to lift more, or do more crunches on the exercise ball (which is also in the living room, since the laundry room is not that big) and the raw energy of 24 yo boys, and one man that wants to be in full energy match with them-- I'm finding that I go into sensation overload.

It makes it so that I let them go to bed, and I sit here and play Scrabble or Mahjong or read-- in the quiet of the night.

Hubby stated that he would ask "what can we do to help" but that "he wasn't going to change what he's doing, or ask the boys to change so what good is it to discuss this..."

I gotta tell ya, I'm on overload. I've had a nasty sinus infection this last week, I've had to have an echocardiogram, and an ekg, and last week was Remicade, tonight is Methotrexate, and I'm a basketcase.

Why is it that he can't understand that even if they all worked out starting at the same time-- and just a hour or two was spent in that energy- (I did mention this) that it would help me cope with all the energy they bring in.

I also explained that I totally understand that both boys will be leaving home for their careers in just a couple of months time- and that I understand how important this time is for him, as well as for me. I love the guys exuberance. I wish I had a small amount of it. I know that my heart is really going to miss it when they are gone. I know is going to be very lonely-- not only is his son moving on-- but once again, the reality of what his wife can't do is going to be in our faces-- again.

This morning I honestly felt like and thought- consciously thought, if I could let myself pass away- it'd be ok.

I know it's the meds- and part of my experience lately has been waking up to the thought of screaming out loud-- feeling like my body has been invaded by who knows what. It is so very scary-- it's like a full blown panic attack- while I'm asleep. Is it what the sarc is doing to my brain, is it the side effect of the medications? Is it that my subconscious (sp) really wants me to stop putting these meds in my body, or have I been abducted.

I know that in a Dream Analysis that this is that place of feeling so out of control, and so I want to hide.

Tonight I don't have the answers, and that too is hard.

Thanks for letting me vent,

love to all,

Tracie

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