Lilka--wls and sex, a response to your question

[Guest guest]

Lilka:

I pondered a lot about how to respond to your question about how this

operation, this process affects large people sexually. I didn't

mention sex in my list of desires because sex to me is an extension

of my heart. They are linked one to another. Sex to me is

incredibly unfulfilling without some emotion attached to, without a

connection, however brief, to another's soul. Some people have this

stereotype of gay men being wanton sexual predators unable to control

their impulses. I'm not that way, nor are the men I've dated. I'm

not saying that there are not gay men (and straight men) like that,

but it's just not me (no judgment implied).

I know one of my big fears about losing weight was becoming more

attractive, and hence, more available in a sexual way. As this

journey has unfolded, my fears did not come to pass. True, I've

dated many men since the break up of my 11-year long-term

relationship. (Let me state for the record, " date " does not

necessarily imply " sexual liaison " … I'm talking meeting for coffee at

Starbucks (decaf, non-fat, no foam latte), a walk along the Marina

Harbor, or dinner and a movie… perhaps some hand holding, a little

kissing and a hug or two. But I digress…)

I was terrified that I would become uncontrollable in the same way

that I was out of control with food. And then it hit me. I have the

ability to say, " No. " No is a difficult word for many of us who are

used to being such people pleasers. And as I worked on building

boundaries around food, abound the treatment I expect from others,

around every aspect of my new life, I knew that I could also build

boundaries around sexual behavior. I do not mean to imply that this

was an easy process. Indeed, it was quite difficult as I am a

survivor of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by a female neighbor.

(No one should assume that this is what turned me " gay. " I knew I

was gay before this happened, which only made it more horrific to

me. But again, I digress…)

The thing is, as I learned that food could not and would never fill

the void in my heart, I also saw a parallel with sex. Just as there

are many tasty morsels that are not good food choices for me, there

are also many tempting men in San Francisco—equally inappropriate

choices for me.

As I got closer and closer to my goal weight, the way I was treated

took a huge paradigm shift. As a morbidly obese gay man, I was

invisible in the Castro. A few times, I even got disparaging remarks

said to me as I passed someone on the sidewalk, or I could hear

snickering behind my back. Now I blend in, and sometimes, I've even

been the object of flirtatious behavior.

Even now, when a man is attracted to me, it doesn't register as

true. I'm working on taking it in a just enjoying it, but for my

whole life, my self-esteem (the little that existed) was based

entirely on personality characteristics, not physical ones. I valued

myself as a caring, thoughtful, intelligent, introspective,

empathetic man. I was so happy when my ex (Zach) fell in love with

that part of me. But when someone now tells me, " You're hot, " I'm

still a little taken aback by it. I'm hot? Me? Has he seen me?

Does he know the real me? And I immediately start to discount this

comment as untrue. How can anyone see me that way? If a man cruises

me (cruises = gay talk for making prolonged and potentially

flirtatious eye contact that is meant to convey sexual interest), I

think that he's looking at someone behind me.

So, I guess what I'm saying to answer your question is that yes, this

process affects sexuality, at least it did in my case. You know, as

morbidly obese people, we often dream of having someone notice us for

how handsome or beautiful we are, or at least we wonder what it would

be like to be desired in that way. Being desired has caused me to be

shaken at my core with fear, but as with all this process, walking

through that fear, and just enjoying it as a gift of passion from God—

with no need to act on it at all—is the key.

I didn't become a wanton slut. But I've been given entrée into a

life I've never known: the dating life that others go through in high

school and college. And it's been such a wondrous experience. Yes,

there have been disappointments, and I haven't yet found Mr. Right,

but somehow, I've drawn so many dates that my friends call me " Date-o-

matic. " For example, in the last three weeks I've been on nine dates

with eight different guys. The last few days have been kind of crazy—

two dates on Sunday, one yesterday, and another tonight. And one of

them (whom I've dated and known for a while) wrote me a card that

said, " Francisco, It seems insufficient to write it… but you've

become a light in my life. Hugs and kisses, Joe. " (This will be the

subject of another post…)

Yikes, this is going on forever, but I'll end with this. I think

I've drawn men to me because somehow they sense that my deep desire

to be loved has been fulfilled. I desire their companionship not to

fill a void in my heart, but rather to shave a love that dwells

within me. The more you feed that love, the more it grows. Many of

us post-opers have been called radiant. I believe that's where that

radiance comes from—the gift of love we give ourselves.

Francisco