Re: Are we alike?-

[Guest guest]

Hi my name is and my little Nikki has complex one def. she is four and my

only child. I am a single mom and I ask myself that everyday. I have to

believe in my heart of hearts that my daughter as well as yours are both here

for reasons. I try so hard not to think like how you are thinking I mean

sometimes I just cry and fall a sleep next to her cause I just dont get it

myself. I dont know I mean sometimes I feel like I am being punished for

cheating on my first boyfreind when I was younger. I know silly thing to think

of but how else can I make heads or tails of it. My little girl also looks

like any other four year old she is behind but has come so far and she acutally

seems to be doing so well. She has a feeding tube and also tires and

dehydrates. I try not to think to much into the future. Live everyday like it

is my last day. The neuro I went to see told me she wasnt going to live past her

seond b-day. It was at that very second that I realized I wasnt about to let

her leave me. I mean I grew up at that very moment not that I wasnt a grown up

at the age of 29 but that very moment my whole world changed and I wasnt about

to let a doctor bring me down. SO I read a whole lot spoke to a lot of doctors

finally found an awesome peds doctor. And we monitor everything we have to see

about 7 doctors every year for check ups some more than others.She will not be

going to school anytime soon so she is schooled at home.

I take her on as many trips as I can afford and make a wish sent us to florida

last year. My escape is seeing her beautiful smile as she laughs while playing

in the sand at a beach or riding on a amusement park ride. SHe rememebers it

too. I wish I could give you more advise tell you where to escape to or how to

handle this but I dont really think any of us know I think we just all do

it...that is it. I do know that makes me stronger everyday. She just

got over having pnemonia and if I tell you she was still telling me what to do.

She is such a strong little girl and I give her so much credit for that. But I

have been depressed and I have let myself go so know I am going to Curves (only

30 min) after work eating right again and getting a manicure every now and then.

She needs me to be healthy and after my little spot on the chest scare I refuse

to be weak for her. I dont know if anything I said makes any sense to you I am

sending you a hug from and I so we can give you some strength because it

seems like yesterday I was saying the same thing to myself.

Please take care of yourself...try not to think of the future(easier sad than

done) and just be thankful that your family is doing well today...then sleep and

wake for the next day being thankful. It took me a while to get to that point

but I am there and I really think Niki is a little stronger cuase I wont let her

see me sad. ANd you wont even believe that even when she is sick she says to me

not to worry that is okay. We have to treasure what we have cry every now and

then and keep going cause we can do it and we are all here for each other. If

you need to email me you can deedee2n@... at work. I read those emials

more than I can get to my aol account.

Please take care of yourself I know what your feeling and I hope you have

someone close to you that you can just break down to you will feel better when

you do. WEll not better but you get what I mean.

Be well

mother to KElli