A note from Jeri

[Guest guest]

I know that some of you will remember Jeri-- Gregg's widow. She has moved on to wonderful things-- although is again taking care of a sick husband-- so please, keep her in your hearts.

Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

Sweetie, you are special to me too - I've always felt a close kinship with you. Ravenbear is 3/4 Cherokee. He has a goatee and is balding and he blames his ONE WHITE GENE for causing both those - the one good and the one bad (though, of course, he is beautiful to me no matter anything physical)! Ravenbear is his Tribal name and my family knows him that way. Though he was born in OK on the Rez, he was given up for adoption as a young child and brought to the east coast. He was horribly abused by his adoptive parents, who, then, divorced and both remarried nice people. He says, if he could have gotten his step-parents together, things would have improved drastically. He continued to be abused by his adoptive parents even though his step-parents were good. At last, his step-mom (the woman he credits with saving his life and sanity - whom he calls Mother today) fought for custody of him and won. All his parents except her are now dead. She lives in Athens - about an hour and 15 minutes away. His Mom knows him as Lee Nash, and my folks didn't feel comfortable with Ravenbear, and asked if they could just call him Ray LOL. He said Ed would be fine, and - being family - they could get away with Eddy, though not many could.

It breaks my Heart that we've had these difficulties. The financial stuff is hard, but (for me) not as hard as the emotional and physical deprivation. At least Gregg & I had 2 good years and one that wasn't so bad before it got really rough. No matter what else was going on, we had each other and our Love and we clung to each other like lost children and found solice that way. This time, we didn't even have time to get to know each other well. In 8 months of marriage, we've made Love 15 times and not at all in the last 5 months. Celebacy has never been something I sought or wanted or was good at, especially not within the context of a marriage with a man with whom I'm deeply in Love. The situation is made at least twice as difficult for me by that lack.

was the man who was there for me immediately after Gregg's death. I'm very thankful for that - though it didn't turn out like I wanted at the time, I know it was for the best, anyway. Then there was Mark - out in Idaho (whose picture made him look, nearly, like Gregg's twin). I went to visit him for 6 days in June 2005 (Gregg died in January 2005). Though that relationship also didn't turn out as I expected, that 6-day trip to Idaho was the very best thing for me! Shortly before I went, I realized I was adrenaline addicted and was continuing to create chaos in my life in order to keep it going. That 6 days did more than anything toward helping me begin to break that addiction, and I made a close female friend at the same time - Cami, whom Mark also duped. I can't feel anything but gratitude for that whole series of events too - I can see God's (Spirit's; The Universe's; my Higher Self's) hand in all of it and how I was directed towards healing through it all. Shortly after that it was Bruce. When we met he was a National Guardsman on active duty and stationed at Fort near Savannah, GA. Again, we felt an immediate strong bond, though I also felt a very serious hesitation which I didn't understand. I thought long and hard on it, but couldn't come up with any logical reason for it, nor did I understand it on a metaphysical level even though it was very unmistakable. I decided to move forward anyway, as much because of my curiosity as anything - I really wanted to know WHY the feeling of hesitation. I stayed with Bruce (or, he with me) for a year and 7 months in all. It turns out he's seriously mentally ill. Ultimately I needed to have him arrested and got a protective order. This has been a bit difficult, since the man really has a good Heart and means well, and he can't help how he acts. This caused me a LOT of Heartache over ending it, but I had no choice. He spent a month as an inpatient in the Psyche Unit at the VA Hospital, and is living in one of their substance abuse programs now. Interestingly, he does NOT have a substance abuse problem, but that's where they have to put him. He does have free rent and subsidized food for up to 2 years where he is, and I've spoken with all three of his care-team members. They are aware that substance abuse isn't his problem and Mental Illness IS. They have stated that his substance abuse problem is in remission, but that he's menally ill and are treating him - they say, to good effect. I still talk with Bruce and try to help him with stuff on occasion, as long as he doesn't get too bitchy or demanding towards me. We even let him live here for a couple of months when he was evicted from his last living situation (with Peachford - another mental health agency). I'm confident that this care team is a good one and they seem to be able to deal with him and help him. I'm happy.

Overlapping my relationship with Bruce, I finally was able to access my grief for Gregg. It took a long time, and I'm convinced it was because I needed to heal from the extreme exhaustion before I could survive it. In February of 2006, I shaved my head. I'd wanted to for 22 years (someday), and I used my child's case of head-lice as an excuse, but I believe it had more to do with grief than anything. Many Native American tribes only cut their hair if they're grieving, and then the hair growing back reminds them of their healing and life going on. When I learned that, I came to understand that everytime I've cut my hair in this lifetime (2-3 times only) I could have been considered to have been grieving over something! If I hadn't ever shaved my head, I would never have know that I have a beautiful head! Imagine that! I'll send you a picture as soon as I can when I'm at work. The computer, which had pictures on it, at home died, and I'm using Ravenbear's laptop at the moment while he plays World of Warcraft on his desktop. In October 2006, a very dear friend of mine paid for me to go on a 5 day solitary retreat (specifically for the purpose of grieving - she had lost her Grandmother after a long illness within 6 months of Gregg's death, and she had experienced the same kind of delayed grieving I did - she knew what I needed. I chose to go to Murrell's Inlet, SC - the place Gregg & I went on our only vacation together. Interestingly, I even ended up in the same room. For 5 whole days, I did absolutely NOTHING except take care of myself. I stretched every day and exercised. I soaked in the tub. I ate only what my body wanted when it wanted it. I slept when I was tired (no matter when it was) and got up when I felt like it. Ian (my older biological son) helped me make a CD with nothing but music that I associated with Gregg, and I listened to it over and over. I had printed out all my pictures of Gregg, and I made 2 collages with them. I initally thought to make only one, but I found I couldn't put the ones of him sick with the ones of him when he was well. I went to Medieval Times (which was one of Gregg's favorite things to do), but found I didn't enjoy doing it alone. I ate ONE nice meal out and I went Horseback riding for the first time in 20 years (spent about 2 hours walking trails with a 15 or 16 year old kid - we had some nice conversation and saw some nice wildlife). I also got a superb massage from an excellent, intuitive practitioner which did me wonders! I cried BUCKETS and got back in touch with how much I Loved Gregg and how severely I miss his presence - and his body. It was extrememly painful as well as equally cathartic. I realized the metaphore of needing to let someone heal before you cut them open if they aren't strong enough to survive the surgery as a parallel to my delayed grieving. My renewed feeling for Gregg didn't make things easier with Bruce either, I admit. Bruce is a VERY needy human being and I just didn't have anything to give him.

Ravenbear & I met (online again, of course) in April 2007. Our connection was immediate, and even stronger than Gregg's and mine had been. It felt so right that the first night we spent together, we were thoroughly committed to each other. It was solidly mutual. His Mom, who is very Christian, wouldn't want him "living in sin", and since it would just a confirmation of our feeling that we'd been given to each other, we got married to keep her comfortable. As soon as we made an official committment, however, the fears kicked in. His were worse than mine, and there were a huge number of issues and stresses connected with the changes that happened as a result of our union (moving him here from Athens, problems with his Mom and his sons ( - 20, and lives with Ravenbear's Mom in Athens; and Adam - now 10, who lives with his very neglectful mother in SC), with his job and getting paid for it and problems with his health. Before we married, he made more money than I do driving a truck. He worked for a subcontractor to FedEx, driving doubles from Athens to Charlotte, NC and back every night. It was a good job. When he moved up here, within a week, he got a job with Central Transportation - in South Atlanta. The commute was 1.5 hours each way fighting rush-hour traffic, and the company turned out to be incredibly abusive. They made him work up to his 14 hour limit EVERY day he worked and they sent him out in defective, unsafe, illegal equipment! He hates to change jobs and it took him a long time and getting sick (for 2 weeks) from the stress and lack of sleep to get him to consider leaving them, but he finally did. Less than a week later, he had a job at Rock Tenn Recycling, less than a mile from home. The down-side was having to drive around Atlanta all day in the traffic and the frustration of dealing with people all day instead of just peacefully driving. On the other hand, it seemed to be a good company and good people. Alas, illness struck again - he had kidney stones that kept him out for a few days and then a resurgence of gastro-intestinal symptoms and extreme fatigue that kept him out for another 2 weeks. When he returned to work, even though we had all requested documentation, they fired him. 24 hours later, he had his present job at Kennesaw Transport. He'd worked for them before and they welcomed him back. I was initially unhappy with him going OTR (over the road - meaning he'd be gone for a week or so at a time), but he was so much happier, that made me feel better about it. Shortly, he started having problems at work that cost us money and it turned out it was because of his symptoms. His fatigue and lack of energy, his gastro-intestinal symptoms (which would slow ANYONE down...) and the mishaps that take place when you can't concentrate. Depression also plays a part. We scraped up 750.00 to pay a law firm to write up paperwork to file for custody of Adam, but we haven't got the money to file. It just eats him up from the inside to see his son suffering the same neglect (if not the degree of abuse) he suffered and not be able to DO ANYTHING! As a correlary to the other symptoms, His Doc in Athens had discovered that his testosterone level was very low for his age. The doc decided it was early male menopause and put him on a suppliment. Well, the Doc here took him OFF of it to get it out of his system so he could test him HIMSELF. You know how Docs are... sigh. So all the symptoms that took him to the Doc in Athens came back and contributed to everything. Finally, we have agreement (months later) from Doc Stuart, that his testosterone level is abnormally LOW (what a surprise). But instead of simply putting him on a supplement, they are doing diagnostics to find out what is causing this (I do approve of that). Meanwhile, the Gastro folks just want to call what he has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and try different drugs - each for a month or two - to see if it helps. This, without even analyzing a stool sample to try and eliminate any other cause. I do NOT understand this reasoning. Especially, since, when he can't work our income goes down to less than half. To make matters worse, we gave his old 83 Ranger to Adam's mom and bought a new (used, but from a dealer) 2005 Ranger, and I had replaced my 93 Taurus with a 2005 one about a year before when Bruce and I were both working and had the money to do it - that adds to our expenses which I now can't meet alone... The low testosterone level is the cause of no libido and exhaustion all the time, and until we find out what is causing it, I guess it won't be treated. He's scheduled for an MRI on January 29th to check for a Pituitary tumor. If that's not present, we'll move on to the next thing (you know how that goes...). I am getting to the point of having a serious word with the Gastro Department about their handling of THOSE symptoms. Doc Stuart says he is NOT safe to drive, and will need to change jobs. You can imagine how his effects his frame of mind... in addition to the nausea, diarrhea, constipation, cramping and exhaustion. So, here I am in a VERY stressful situation without even a LOVER to ease my own stress!! Ironic.

At latest count, I'm getting $200.00 from one church tomorrow and $100.00 from another before Friday. I'll be getting the ONLY 200.00 I can get from my retirement fund in about 10 days. That makes a small dent in January's rent, and February's is almost due. I've been making call after call to appeal for assistance - I know you know the score on that!

Nothing of this changes my Love for him nor my committment to him, but sometimes I do wonder about the cosmic implications of this... I'm not at all tempted to abandon him, but I AM most severely tempted to take a Lover to help me survive... Not really what I want, but I'm searching for coping stragegies!

Hope this at least serves as a diversion for you!! It's long enough. Oh, I almost forgot - Gregg (the younger, who is 19, now) is living with me again. He is now a National Guardsman (I'm SO PROUD OF HIM), but since graduation from Basic, he's not been able to find sufficient work to support him. Since he's the only son of an only son, they are less likely to send him to a combat zone, so he's trying to switch over to active Army. They aren't making anything easy for him. I'll save telling you about my other kids for another email! I have lots of pictures to send.

If anyone else on the group remembers me and is interested, feel free to share all this.

Again - thanks for listening! If I had the ability, I'd come visit you!

Much Love,

Jeri

"Aspire to Inspire before you Expire!"

YOU

Jeri,

I am so glad that you've remarried. Congratulations. As for him being ill-- my heart goes out to you. What a challenge. I know that sometimes it sure feels like we should be screaming at god about the unfairness of his choice in the path we find ourself on.

I love your husbands name-- Ravenbear. I take it he is Native American? Is this the one that you met right after Gregg passed away?

CPHT-- what is this? What are you doing work wise?

I will put you on my list so that you aren't blocked in the future. Every time I go down my list of special people I send all the "stuff" too-- my heart smiles when I enter your address. You are one special lady.

Love to you,

Tracie

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