Guest guest Posted March 15, 2006 Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 Lilka My dear I agree with you so much. All through the years dealing with my husbands mental illness and not doing for myself and not understanding the harm I was doing with all the weight gain. So as I listened and learned while taking off the 10% and going to support meetings. When the mental illness became worse after my surgery and my husband going to IOP and much more, I listened and learned from all his information. I knew I was vulnerable to going to food, but I was determined not to I WANTED this to keep working for me, so I went with my brain to the Psychologist to help me so I wouldn't mess up my tool. The lessons I learned through all this were not easy and very hard decision to make, but for the first time in so many years the right decisions were made for me also. I did think of everyone else also, but I didn't leave what I needed out this time and I did not have to turn to food even through all of this. I WILL NOT LET HARD TIMES MESS WITH MY WLS (TOOL). I WANT to maintain a healthy weight and I WILL. I could not of done this without seeing the Psychologist! We all have to WANT this to work and if it takes reaching out here, getting help, whatever, you must know yourself like Lilka says, and you must WANT this to work. Take care. Donna J.Lilka wrote: Before the surgery, I found out from my post op friends that we will still be vulnerable in a few years just as we were before the surgery. I pondered this very deeply. I recall crying because I felt I could not really trust myself any more after the surgery, which is why I got so big in the first place. The truth is, we have trouble staying with the program (Rules of the Pouch) because we have a long history of using food to block any pain in our lives. In the past, we have rushed to diets, protein drinks, extreme exercise programs to reverse the agony of the realization that we are using food to block our feelings. Maybe some of us had the surgery thinking that somehow with the help of our tool, we would no longer use food to support us through the hard times. Now we see our old habits, mental put downs, and mind f-----g go right on. For myself, I could always torture myself by telling myself I ate too much, ate at the wrong times, and ate the wrong thing. These thoughts go on and on. Even now, when I am following all the rules, I see them (these thoughts) raising their ugly heads. Perhaps, instead of panicking, and racing on to some new diet, we could "make friends with those thoughts, as Gity says, and bring some love and compassion to them. Those thoughts are helping us in some way because we are not being kind enough to the feelings they are blocking. And this is old stuff. They seem to come up automatically. I found myself in the kitchen the other night eating a slice of cheese. Instead of reminding myself that it was the wrong time to be eating, I asked myself, lovingly, what was up that I was doing this. I remembered that I'm lonely because my husband is in Europe right now and I don't have him to "fill me up" and play with me. This compassion was most helpful for the next night when I thought about going in again. I did not. I took out some water colors, painted my empty hole that that wants food, and filled myself up in a different way. This work is so delicate and we need so much love and understanding of ourselves to really look inside. For myself, I still don't trust that I will be kind when I discover myself blocking pain. I feel very vulnerable about this behavior, and even to say it to all of you. But I really don't want to live with this mean voice any more. I have my precious tool but even more, I have my compassion and a loving heart. If I am a kind person, as Gity says, then let me use it with myself. Love to all, LilkaPS Gity is a bariatric therapist for SSF who is helping us to look with compassion into ourselves for real answers.Donna JordonDSJordon@... Yahoo! Travel Find great deals to the top 10 hottest destinations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2006 Report Share Posted March 16, 2006 Lilka, you hit it on the head. I don't want to live my life on this constant roller coaster of self-rebuke and self-hatred. I don't want my emotions to be up or down depending upon the scale. I also don't want to be so regimented that I have no joy in my life, or no opportunity to occasionally self-medicate or occasionally "celebrate" with food. But, the difference between that approach and the prior approach is that I was always "all" or "nothing". If I screwed up, I went on a downward spiral, a vicious death spiral that was all about punishing myself for human mistakes. I'm not doing that anymore. Period. If I occasionally slip, you are right...I think about why, and I try to feed to need in some other way. Your watercolor solution is brilliant. Once is gone, and I can't just go over and get a hug when the voices start...finding a creative outlet is the way. Or a warm bath...or journaling. Just being kind to myself, understanding...gently nudging myself back onto the right path again. Good for you, Lilka. And good advice from Gity. RobynnLilka wrote: Before the surgery, I found out from my post op friends that we will still be vulnerable in a few years just as we were before the surgery. I pondered this very deeply. I recall crying because I felt I could not really trust myself any more after the surgery, which is why I got so big in the first place. The truth is, we have trouble staying with the program (Rules of the Pouch) because we have a long history of using food to block any pain in our lives. In the past, we have rushed to diets, protein drinks, extreme exercise programs to reverse the agony of the realization that we are using food to block our feelings. Maybe some of us had the surgery thinking that somehow with the help of our tool, we would no longer use food to support us through the hard times. Now we see our old habits, mental put downs, and mind f-----g go right on. For myself, I could always torture myself by telling myself I ate too much, ate at the wrong times, and ate the wrong thing. These thoughts go on and on. Even now, when I am following all the rules, I see them (these thoughts) raising their ugly heads. Perhaps, instead of panicking, and racing on to some new diet, we could "make friends with those thoughts, as Gity says, and bring some love and compassion to them. Those thoughts are helping us in some way because we are not being kind enough to the feelings they are blocking. And this is old stuff. They seem to come up automatically. I found myself in the kitchen the other night eating a slice of cheese. Instead of reminding myself that it was the wrong time to be eating, I asked myself, lovingly, what was up that I was doing this. I remembered that I'm lonely because my husband is in Europe right now and I don't have him to "fill me up" and play with me. This compassion was most helpful for the next night when I thought about going in again. I did not. I took out some water colors, painted my empty hole that that wants food, and filled myself up in a different way. This work is so delicate and we need so much love and understanding of ourselves to really look inside. For myself, I still don't trust that I will be kind when I discover myself blocking pain. I feel very vulnerable about this behavior, and even to say it to all of you. But I really don't want to live with this mean voice any more. I have my precious tool but even more, I have my compassion and a loving heart. If I am a kind person, as Gity says, then let me use it with myself. Love to all, LilkaPS Gity is a bariatric therapist for SSF who is helping us to look with compassion into ourselves for real answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2006 Report Share Posted March 16, 2006 Boy did I need to read this today. You guys are so motivational and real. I can so relate to all of you. It is amazing how many times a day I feel slightly lost or anxious........and not sure how to ease that, cause it was always food. I feel like a child learning to crawl at times emotionally Thanks for your sharing Cecilia --- Robynn VanPatten wrote: > Lilka, you hit it on the head. I don't want to live > my life on this constant roller coaster of > self-rebuke and self-hatred. I don't want my > emotions to be up or down depending upon the scale. > I also don't want to be so regimented that I have no > joy in my life, or no opportunity to occasionally > self-medicate or occasionally " celebrate " with food. > > But, the difference between that approach and the > prior approach is that I was always " all " or > " nothing " . If I screwed up, I went on a downward > spiral, a vicious death spiral that was all about > punishing myself for human mistakes. > > I'm not doing that anymore. Period. If I > occasionally slip, you are right...I think about > why, and I try to feed to need in some other way. > Your watercolor solution is brilliant. Once is > gone, and I can't just go over and get a hug when > the voices start...finding a creative outlet is the > way. Or a warm bath...or journaling. Just being > kind to myself, understanding...gently nudging > myself back onto the right path again. > > Good for you, Lilka. And good advice from Gity. > > Robynn > > Lilka wrote: > Before the surgery, I found out from my post op > friends that we will > still be vulnerable in a few years just as we were > before the > surgery. I pondered this very deeply. I recall > crying because I felt > I could not really trust myself any more after the > surgery, which is > why I got so big in the first place. The truth is, > we have trouble > staying with the program (Rules of the Pouch) > because we have a long > history of using food to block any pain in our > lives. In the past, > we have rushed to diets, protein drinks, extreme > exercise programs > to reverse the agony of the realization that we are > using food to > block our feelings. Maybe some of us had the surgery > thinking that > somehow with the help of our tool, we would no > longer use food to > support us through the hard times. Now we see our > old habits, mental > put downs, and mind f-----g go right on. For myself, > I could always > torture myself by telling myself I ate too much, ate > at the wrong > times, and ate the wrong thing. These thoughts go on > and on. Even > now, when I am following all the rules, I see them > (these thoughts) > raising their ugly heads. Perhaps, instead of > panicking, and racing > on to some new diet, we could " make friends with > those thoughts, as > Gity says, and bring some love and compassion to > them. Those > thoughts are helping us in some way because we are > not being kind > enough to the feelings they are blocking. And this > is old stuff. > They seem to come up automatically. I found myself > in the kitchen > the other night eating a slice of cheese. Instead of > reminding > myself that it was the wrong time to be eating, I > asked myself, > lovingly, what was up that I was doing this. I > remembered that I'm > lonely because my husband is in Europe right now and > I don't have > him to " fill me up " and play with me. This > compassion was most > helpful for the next night when I thought about > going in again. I > did not. I took out some water colors, painted my > empty hole that > that wants food, and filled myself up in a different > way. This work > is so delicate and we need so much love and > understanding of > ourselves to really look inside. For myself, I still > don't trust > that I will be kind when I discover myself blocking > pain. I feel > very vulnerable about this behavior, and even to say > it to all of > you. But I really don't want to live with this mean > voice any more. > I have my precious tool but even more, I have my > compassion and a > loving heart. If I am a kind person, as Gity says, > then let me use > it with myself. Love to all, Lilka > PS Gity is a bariatric therapist for SSF who is > helping us to look > with compassion into ourselves for real answers. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2006 Report Share Posted March 16, 2006 We're all here for each other, that's why it's good just to put it out there even if something being repeated. We all need help at times and there's always new people learning and old people needing a kick, this is no exception to me either. Sometimes just reading keeps me going. Take care and have a nice day. Donna J.snickers_95203@... wrote: Boy did I need to read this today. You guys are somotivational and real. I can so relate to all of you.It is amazing how many times a day I feel slightlylost or anxious........and not sure how to ease that,cause it was always food. I feel like a child learningto crawl at times emotionallyThanks for your sharingCecilia--- Robynn VanPatten wrote:> Lilka, you hit it on the head. I don't want to live> my life on this constant roller coaster of> self-rebuke and self-hatred. I don't want my> emotions to be up or down depending upon the scale. > I also don't want to be so regimented that I have no> joy in my life, or no opportunity to occasionally> self-medicate or occasionally "celebrate" with food.> > But, the difference between that approach and the> prior approach is that I was always "all" or> "nothing". If I screwed up, I went on a downward> spiral, a vicious death spiral that was all about> punishing myself for human mistakes.> > I'm not doing that anymore. Period. If I> occasionally slip, you are right...I think about> why, and I try to feed to need in some other way. > Your watercolor solution is brilliant. Once is> gone, and I can't just go over and get a hug when> the voices start...finding a creative outlet is the> way. Or a warm bath...or journaling. Just being> kind to myself, understanding...gently nudging> myself back onto the right path again.> > Good for you, Lilka. And good advice from Gity. > > Robynn> > Lilka wrote:> Before the surgery, I found out from my post op> friends that we will > still be vulnerable in a few years just as we were> before the > surgery. I pondered this very deeply. I recall> crying because I felt > I could not really trust myself any more after the> surgery, which is > why I got so big in the first place. The truth is,> we have trouble > staying with the program (Rules of the Pouch)> because we have a long > history of using food to block any pain in our> lives. In the past, > we have rushed to diets, protein drinks, extreme> exercise programs > to reverse the agony of the realization that we are> using food to > block our feelings. Maybe some of us had the surgery> thinking that > somehow with the help of our tool, we would no> longer use food to > support us through the hard times. Now we see our> old habits, mental > put downs, and mind f-----g go right on. For myself,> I could always > torture myself by telling myself I ate too much, ate> at the wrong > times, and ate the wrong thing. These thoughts go on> and on. Even > now, when I am following all the rules, I see them> (these thoughts) > raising their ugly heads. Perhaps, instead of> panicking, and racing > on to some new diet, we could "make friends with> those thoughts, as > Gity says, and bring some love and compassion to> them. Those > thoughts are helping us in some way because we are> not being kind > enough to the feelings they are blocking. And this> is old stuff. > They seem to come up automatically. I found myself> in the kitchen > the other night eating a slice of cheese. Instead of> reminding > myself that it was the wrong time to be eating, I> asked myself, > lovingly, what was up that I was doing this. I> remembered that I'm > lonely because my husband is in Europe right now and> I don't have > him to "fill me up" and play with me. This> compassion was most > helpful for the next night when I thought about> going in again. I > did not. I took out some water colors, painted my> empty hole that > that wants food, and filled myself up in a different> way. This work > is so delicate and we need so much love and> understanding of > ourselves to really look inside. For myself, I still> don't trust > that I will be kind when I discover myself blocking> pain. I feel > very vulnerable about this behavior, and even to say> it to all of > you. But I really don't want to live with this mean> voice any more. > I have my precious tool but even more, I have my> compassion and a > loving heart. If I am a kind person, as Gity says,> then let me use > it with myself. Love to all, Lilka> PS Gity is a bariatric therapist for SSF who is> helping us to look > with compassion into ourselves for real answers.> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2006 Report Share Posted March 16, 2006 Yeah, the anxiety thing is weird, isn't it? That nervous energy thing...that leads you to eat. Honestly, that instinct to eat when I feel that way has really seriously diminished already...I think I GET that it's "Not what I'm eating...but what is eating ME." Robynnsnickers_95203@... wrote: Boy did I need to read this today. You guys are somotivational and real. I can so relate to all of you.It is amazing how many times a day I feel slightlylost or anxious........and not sure how to ease that,cause it was always food. I feel like a child learningto crawl at times emotionallyThanks for your sharingCecilia--- Robynn VanPatten wrote:> Lilka, you hit it on the head. I don't want to live> my life on this constant roller coaster of> self-rebuke and self-hatred. I don't want my> emotions to be up or down depending upon the scale. > I also don't want to be so regimented that I have no> joy in my life, or no opportunity to occasionally> self-medicate or occasionally "celebrate" with food.> > But, the difference between that approach and the> prior approach is that I was always "all" or> "nothing". If I screwed up, I went on a downward> spiral, a vicious death spiral that was all about> punishing myself for human mistakes.> > I'm not doing that anymore. Period. If I> occasionally slip, you are right...I think about> why, and I try to feed to need in some other way. > Your watercolor solution is brilliant. Once is> gone, and I can't just go over and get a hug when> the voices start...finding a creative outlet is the> way. Or a warm bath...or journaling. Just being> kind to myself, understanding...gently nudging> myself back onto the right path again.> > Good for you, Lilka. And good advice from Gity. > > Robynn> > Lilka wrote:> Before the surgery, I found out from my post op> friends that we will > still be vulnerable in a few years just as we were> before the > surgery. I pondered this very deeply. I recall> crying because I felt > I could not really trust myself any more after the> surgery, which is > why I got so big in the first place. The truth is,> we have trouble > staying with the program (Rules of the Pouch)> because we have a long > history of using food to block any pain in our> lives. In the past, > we have rushed to diets, protein drinks, extreme> exercise programs > to reverse the agony of the realization that we are> using food to > block our feelings. Maybe some of us had the surgery> thinking that > somehow with the help of our tool, we would no> longer use food to > support us through the hard times. Now we see our> old habits, mental > put downs, and mind f-----g go right on. For myself,> I could always > torture myself by telling myself I ate too much, ate> at the wrong > times, and ate the wrong thing. These thoughts go on> and on. Even > now, when I am following all the rules, I see them> (these thoughts) > raising their ugly heads. Perhaps, instead of> panicking, and racing > on to some new diet, we could "make friends with> those thoughts, as > Gity says, and bring some love and compassion to> them. Those > thoughts are helping us in some way because we are> not being kind > enough to the feelings they are blocking. And this> is old stuff. > They seem to come up automatically. I found myself> in the kitchen > the other night eating a slice of cheese. Instead of> reminding > myself that it was the wrong time to be eating, I> asked myself, > lovingly, what was up that I was doing this. I> remembered that I'm > lonely because my husband is in Europe right now and> I don't have > him to "fill me up" and play with me. This> compassion was most > helpful for the next night when I thought about> going in again. I > did not. I took out some water colors, painted my> empty hole that > that wants food, and filled myself up in a different> way. This work > is so delicate and we need so much love and> understanding of > ourselves to really look inside. For myself, I still> don't trust > that I will be kind when I discover myself blocking> pain. I feel > very vulnerable about this behavior, and even to say> it to all of > you. But I really don't want to live with this mean> voice any more. > I have my precious tool but even more, I have my> compassion and a > loving heart. If I am a kind person, as Gity says,> then let me use > it with myself. Love to all, Lilka> PS Gity is a bariatric therapist for SSF who is> helping us to look > with compassion into ourselves for real answers.> > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 16, 2006 Report Share Posted March 16, 2006 AMEN! cecilia --- Robynn VanPatten wrote: > Yeah, the anxiety thing is weird, isn't it? That > nervous energy thing...that leads you to eat. > Honestly, that instinct to eat when I feel that way > has really seriously diminished already...I think I > GET that it's " Not what I'm eating...but what is > eating ME. " > > Robynn > > snickers_95203@... wrote: > Boy did I need to read this today. You guys are so > motivational and real. I can so relate to all of > you. > It is amazing how many times a day I feel slightly > lost or anxious........and not sure how to ease > that, > cause it was always food. I feel like a child > learning > to crawl at times emotionally > Thanks for your sharing > Cecilia > > --- Robynn VanPatten wrote: > > > Lilka, you hit it on the head. I don't want to > live > > my life on this constant roller coaster of > > self-rebuke and self-hatred. I don't want my > > emotions to be up or down depending upon the > scale. > > I also don't want to be so regimented that I have > no > > joy in my life, or no opportunity to occasionally > > self-medicate or occasionally " celebrate " with > food. > > > > But, the difference between that approach and > the > > prior approach is that I was always " all " or > > " nothing " . If I screwed up, I went on a downward > > spiral, a vicious death spiral that was all about > > punishing myself for human mistakes. > > > > I'm not doing that anymore. Period. If I > > occasionally slip, you are right...I think about > > why, and I try to feed to need in some other way. > > Your watercolor solution is brilliant. Once > is > > gone, and I can't just go over and get a hug when > > the voices start...finding a creative outlet is > the > > way. Or a warm bath...or journaling. Just being > > kind to myself, understanding...gently nudging > > myself back onto the right path again. > > > > Good for you, Lilka. And good advice from Gity. > > > > > Robynn > > > > Lilka wrote: > > Before the surgery, I found out from my post op > > friends that we will > > still be vulnerable in a few years just as we were > > before the > > surgery. I pondered this very deeply. I recall > > crying because I felt > > I could not really trust myself any more after the > > surgery, which is > > why I got so big in the first place. The truth is, > > we have trouble > > staying with the program (Rules of the Pouch) > > because we have a long > > history of using food to block any pain in our > > lives. In the past, > > we have rushed to diets, protein drinks, extreme > > exercise programs > > to reverse the agony of the realization that we > are > > using food to > > block our feelings. Maybe some of us had the > surgery > > thinking that > > somehow with the help of our tool, we would no > > longer use food to > > support us through the hard times. Now we see our > > old habits, mental > > put downs, and mind f-----g go right on. For > myself, > > I could always > > torture myself by telling myself I ate too much, > ate > > at the wrong > > times, and ate the wrong thing. These thoughts go > on > > and on. Even > > now, when I am following all the rules, I see them > > (these thoughts) > > raising their ugly heads. Perhaps, instead of > > panicking, and racing > > on to some new diet, we could " make friends with > > those thoughts, as > > Gity says, and bring some love and compassion to > > them. Those > > thoughts are helping us in some way because we are > > not being kind > > enough to the feelings they are blocking. And this > > is old stuff. > > They seem to come up automatically. I found myself > > in the kitchen > > the other night eating a slice of cheese. Instead > of > > reminding > > myself that it was the wrong time to be eating, I > > asked myself, > > lovingly, what was up that I was doing this. I > > remembered that I'm > > lonely because my husband is in Europe right now > and > > I don't have > > him to " fill me up " and play with me. This > > compassion was most > > helpful for the next night when I thought about > > going in again. I > > did not. I took out some water colors, painted my > > empty hole that > > that wants food, and filled myself up in a > different > > way. This work > > is so delicate and we need so much love and > > understanding of > > ourselves to really look inside. For myself, I > still > > don't trust > > that I will be kind when I discover myself > blocking > > pain. I feel > > very vulnerable about this behavior, and even to > say > > it to all of > > you. But I really don't want to live with this > mean > > voice any more. > > I have my precious tool but even more, I have my > > compassion and a > > loving heart. If I am a kind person, as Gity says, > > then let me use > > it with myself. Love to all, Lilka > > PS Gity is a bariatric therapist for SSF who is > > helping us to look > > with compassion into ourselves for real answers. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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