Let's face this

[Guest guest]

Before the surgery, I found out from my post op friends that we will

still be vulnerable in a few years just as we were before the

surgery. I pondered this very deeply. I recall crying because I felt

I could not really trust myself any more after the surgery, which is

why I got so big in the first place. The truth is, we have trouble

staying with the program (Rules of the Pouch) because we have a long

history of using food to block any pain in our lives. In the past,

we have rushed to diets, protein drinks, extreme exercise programs

to reverse the agony of the realization that we are using food to

block our feelings. Maybe some of us had the surgery thinking that

somehow with the help of our tool, we would no longer use food to

support us through the hard times. Now we see our old habits, mental

put downs, and mind f-----g go right on. For myself, I could always

torture myself by telling myself I ate too much, ate at the wrong

times, and ate the wrong thing. These thoughts go on and on. Even

now, when I am following all the rules, I see them (these thoughts)

raising their ugly heads. Perhaps, instead of panicking, and racing

on to some new diet, we could " make friends with those thoughts, as

Gity says, and bring some love and compassion to them. Those

thoughts are helping us in some way because we are not being kind

enough to the feelings they are blocking. And this is old stuff.

They seem to come up automatically. I found myself in the kitchen

the other night eating a slice of cheese. Instead of reminding

myself that it was the wrong time to be eating, I asked myself,

lovingly, what was up that I was doing this. I remembered that I'm

lonely because my husband is in Europe right now and I don't have

him to " fill me up " and play with me. This compassion was most

helpful for the next night when I thought about going in again. I

did not. I took out some water colors, painted my empty hole that

that wants food, and filled myself up in a different way. This work

is so delicate and we need so much love and understanding of

ourselves to really look inside. For myself, I still don't trust

that I will be kind when I discover myself blocking pain. I feel

very vulnerable about this behavior, and even to say it to all of

you. But I really don't want to live with this mean voice any more.

I have my precious tool but even more, I have my compassion and a

loving heart. If I am a kind person, as Gity says, then let me use

it with myself. Love to all, Lilka

PS Gity is a bariatric therapist for SSF who is helping us to look

with compassion into ourselves for real answers.