Re: Boys and mothers(Sorry- Long!)

[Guest guest]

Ken:

I was just reading your post and thought to myself... Hmm, this problem is

probably very familiar to us. Our family has experienced this. My family

consists of 3 boys(4 Autism,ADHD,Asthma, 7,11) and our only little girl

Hannah(3)SGA and two therapeutic foster sons (10 and 15). Two of our boys are

my step

children. They do not live with us full time but are with us a lot (but, they

are with their mother more). When they come they instinctively tend to be

drawn to me and grandma (vs the opposite roles of father and grandpa-... My

in-laws live two doors down) As a wife and step mother I instinctively want them

to

love my husband Chad equally if not more simply because my husband is their

primary male role model. We have always had to try to purposely balance our

childrens affections (whether it was our biological children, step children or

foster children). What we do is we send the kid on outing with myself or with

my husband. They are not expensive outings just purposely creative. We do

things that they enjoy like ... go to the park, go fishing, bike riding, hiking,

swimming, go to grandmas and ride in the boat or even go down the street and

help mow an elderly women's yard, go to the shelter and help out or go to the

mall and walk around. We always send a sack lunch (even if it just some pbj

sandwiches and chips) and then we stop at the convenience store and get 49 cent

fountain sodas. Sometimes, we ask the kids to teach us something they know how

to do or you teach them something new. It is a great way to get them to open

up and whatever it is should probably take half the day so that the kid

really knows that the day was spent get to know them. They totally love it and

it

really makes them feel special. The regular hugs and affectionate words

really encourage the kids as well as special nicknames. Last week my husband

and

the boys went and picked wildflowers and drew me pictures (they sent me to run

an errand while they were surprising me). This way they learn to show

affection even if it is not natural. This has really helped unite our family as

a

team and the kids know that Chad and I are united as a one so they do not try to

play us against each other. If I notice that one child is always asking me

for permission or trying to show me my response is... " I don't know, why don't

you go ask Dad " If it is one of the kids that he is not as close to he tries to

say " yes " (if it doesn't hurt anyone or anything) or he tries to say " yes,

after you clean your room, etc... " Sorry to bombard you with so much at a time

but I have learned so much from the training that I have received from our

church and also from our therapeutic foster care training (Usually very angry,

detached, often severely abused children) and it really has helped to heal our

family not only relationally but internally. It has been amazing and we have

had some great results with the kids that have come through..totally by the

grace of God and some practical things too. Kids can be such a challenge

(whether it is one or more because they are all individual people).

Blessings!!!