Teasing

[Guest guest]

Hi, I've generally been a lurker here for the last year. My son Conor who

will be 9 in October was diagnosed with RSS about 15 months ago and started GH a

year ago. He was born 16 weeks prematurely and has/had a number of

medical/developmental problems due to that as well. Conor has ADHD and is on

medication and is doing well with that. He also has mild Cerebral Palsey from 2

brain

hemorrages he had at birth -- he can run just not fast and not well.

Anyway, Conor's had a tough summer and I've been wanting to write here to see

if I can get some advice. I had to pull Conor out of his camp this summer

due to teasing and bullying. He was in an expensive/highly respected camp that

I chose because it focused on art and academics and there would be kids with

similar interests to his. Obviously he's small for his grade (he's going into

3rd grade -- we held him back a year before Kindy) and his social and physical

skills are not great. After a week at the camp Conor finally broke down one

night and told us he didn't want to go back. Apparently a group of boys his

age were teasing him and told him he looked like a freak and was weird -- then

they would shove him in a locker and lock him in there every single day. I

was devastated. Conor is doing okay now, but he's terrified to go back to

school in two weeks. (He also has anxiety issues).

He's been teased since he was 5 years old for his size, looks and social

skill problems. His " different " head has become more prominent as he gets

older.

He has a very small mouth and large front teeth, big ears and a triangular

shaped head. He's been teased alot about this and I just don't know how to help

him with the teasing. Conor tends to be lured into his teasing as he can

never just let something go -- he always goes back for more. I've tried to

teach

him to walk away/ignore the teasing and to always build his confidence at

home, but its not helping. He so desperately wants EVERYONE to like him.

What do you tell your children? Do they know they look different because of

RSS? I've never told Conor that -- I don't want him to become more self

conscious. Do your kids experience teasing. Any tricks for that? Any advice

would be appreciated.

[Guest guest]

-

Oh how my heart aches for Conor (and you too.) Doesn't it just makes you want

to go up to the bully and put him in a headlock and torture him a little?

) I guess I don't have any brilliant ideas and am amazed at Conors strength

of character to try and befriend the bully. What an amazing little guy with a

huge heart! I think if it were me in the same situation I would work really

hard on trying to help him develop a few solid friends with similar interests.

I would probably focus on arranging some fun casual get togethers where

another child can get to know Conor better. I think that I would also call a

therapist (we have two that work with the foster children that we care for).

They

always seem to have some really good practical ideas and sometimes can be very

creative with their solutions. I will pray that God gives you wisdom and

strength on how to best handle this situation! Blessings (Hannah's Mom 3

yo)

[Guest guest]

I have no advice for you on this one. We too are going through some of the

same issues. Thankfully there seems to be small reprieves during this past

school year. One thing I could never understand was Adam seeking out one of

the worst bullies to be his friend. I guess it's a coping

mechanism......some days he'd come home and tell me all about the funny

things this kid had done (all inappropriate, within a

classroom........calling out and such) and how much Adam had laughed in

class over this idiot. But then this nut could just as easily decide to spit

in Adam's snack container as he walked by (had to re stock his stash twice

this year for that stupid trick).

Anyway, my heart just melts for you, as another mom sitting here dreading

the return to school.........sigh.........I so understand how much you hurt

too!

I hope someone has some good answers. The only one I tried that had any hope

of success was therapy. Of course Adam refused to speak during it (well he'd

talk about things on this lady's wall or her carpet or her computer but not

the bullying) that she finally told us not to come back.

Ugh!

Debby

Re: Teasing

> Hi, I've generally been a lurker here for the last year. My son Conor who

> will be 9 in October was diagnosed with RSS about 15 months ago and

started GH a

> year ago. He was born 16 weeks prematurely and has/had a number of

> medical/developmental problems due to that as well. Conor has ADHD and is

on

> medication and is doing well with that. He also has mild Cerebral Palsey

from 2 brain

> hemorrages he had at birth -- he can run just not fast and not well.

>

> Anyway, Conor's had a tough summer and I've been wanting to write here to

see

> if I can get some advice. I had to pull Conor out of his camp this summer

> due to teasing and bullying. He was in an expensive/highly respected camp

that

> I chose because it focused on art and academics and there would be kids

with

> similar interests to his. Obviously he's small for his grade (he's going

into

> 3rd grade -- we held him back a year before Kindy) and his social and

physical

> skills are not great. After a week at the camp Conor finally broke down

one

> night and told us he didn't want to go back. Apparently a group of boys

his

> age were teasing him and told him he looked like a freak and was weird --

then

> they would shove him in a locker and lock him in there every single day.

I

> was devastated. Conor is doing okay now, but he's terrified to go back to

> school in two weeks. (He also has anxiety issues).

>

> He's been teased since he was 5 years old for his size, looks and social

> skill problems. His " different " head has become more prominent as he gets

older.

> He has a very small mouth and large front teeth, big ears and a triangular

> shaped head. He's been teased alot about this and I just don't know how

to help

> him with the teasing. Conor tends to be lured into his teasing as he can

> never just let something go -- he always goes back for more. I've tried

to teach

> him to walk away/ignore the teasing and to always build his confidence at

> home, but its not helping. He so desperately wants EVERYONE to like him.

>

> What do you tell your children? Do they know they look different because

of

> RSS? I've never told Conor that -- I don't want him to become more self

> conscious. Do your kids experience teasing. Any tricks for that? Any

advice

> would be appreciated.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm so sorry this is happening to your son! First, I want to say that

kids DO know they are different. I was aware of the fact that I

wasn't physically homogenous with my peers far, far before the age of

9 (I think I was three or four when I first had the realization that I

didn't look like everyone else). I think sometimes kids pick up on a

lot more than adults sometimes give them credit for (and I'm just as

guilty of this as everyone else now that I'm an adult). I, too, would

suggest therapy. I saw a psychologist on and off through my middle

and high school years. This REALLY helped me out a lot with some of

the issues I had about not physically fitting in. In fact, I know

high school would have been a lot harder for me if I hadn't had a

" safe " place to go outside of my house and school to discuss whatever

was bothering me. Also, I would suggest finding an activity that he

is good at and really likes and encouraging him to pursue that. I did

a lot of things growing up (I was a serial " joiner " for quite some

time ), but the activities that I was good at really helped bolster

my confidence. In addition to that, doing those activities also

helped my social skills because it gave me a refrence point to use

when bonding with other kids. All that said, I do think that it is

harder for boys at that age than it is girls. I'm also sorry that I

only have my experience to offer and not a magic wand. But, here's to

hoping that things get better for you son and every other kid on the

list who is being picked on!!!

~Hillary

22, RSS

[Guest guest]

I'm a lurker most of the time too. My daughter has also experienced some

teasing for her size.She is 5 and very aware of Silver and her

differences. I have four kids (well, two of them are grown) four grandkids and

have worked with preschool and schoolage kids most of my adult life. What I have

to say may not be very PC, but it's what I have observed. Kids DO NOT get teased

because they are outwardly different. That is only what the teaser focuses on,

the hot button issue if you will. Kids get teased because they do not know how

to interact well with their peers according to the kid social rules.While

ignoring and walking away are good techniques they only work if you can carry

them off with an air of bored unconcern. When I taught my daughter that she

could say " Whatever " or " yeah, right " in a

voice dripping with sarcasm, the teasing came quickly to a near standstill. We

practiced, complete with body posture and the proper rolling of the eyes.

Social skills can be taught, the earlier the better. How to enter a game already

being played by a group of children, how to negotiate for roles and rules, etc.

Children have their own social subgroup with it's own unique culture. As much as

we want children to behave nicely and as much as we want to intervene when our

children are treated badly by their peers sometimes our rescuing (going to the

teacher etc) can make the situation worse. Of course if our child is in actual

danger or severly frightened or becoming seriously depressed it is what we must

do.

I believe it is our job to teach our children respect care and concern for

others, unfortunatly we live in a world where intentionally or neglectfully

fewer and fewer children are being taught the values of brotherhood or are held

accountable for their actions. I think our children need to know how to handle

ugly social situations on their own in a way that is effective in the social

world they must perforce move in. I think when they can manage for themselves

they are empowered. I try as much as possible to be a coach rather than a

gaurdian angel.

Just my two cents.

Re: Teasing

Hi, I've generally been a lurker here for the last year. My son Conor who

will be 9 in October was diagnosed with RSS about 15 months ago and started GH

a

year ago. He was born 16 weeks prematurely and has/had a number of

medical/developmental problems due to that as well. Conor has ADHD and is on

medication and is doing well with that. He also has mild Cerebral Palsey from

2 brain

hemorrages he had at birth -- he can run just not fast and not well.

Anyway, Conor's had a tough summer and I've been wanting to write here to see

if I can get some advice. I had to pull Conor out of his camp this summer

due to teasing and bullying. He was in an expensive/highly respected camp

that

I chose because it focused on art and academics and there would be kids with

similar interests to his. Obviously he's small for his grade (he's going into

3rd grade -- we held him back a year before Kindy) and his social and physical

skills are not great. After a week at the camp Conor finally broke down one

night and told us he didn't want to go back. Apparently a group of boys his

age were teasing him and told him he looked like a freak and was weird -- then

they would shove him in a locker and lock him in there every single day. I

was devastated. Conor is doing okay now, but he's terrified to go back to

school in two weeks. (He also has anxiety issues).

He's been teased since he was 5 years old for his size, looks and social

skill problems. His " different " head has become more prominent as he gets

older.

He has a very small mouth and large front teeth, big ears and a triangular

shaped head. He's been teased alot about this and I just don't know how to

help

him with the teasing. Conor tends to be lured into his teasing as he can

never just let something go -- he always goes back for more. I've tried to

teach

him to walk away/ignore the teasing and to always build his confidence at

home, but its not helping. He so desperately wants EVERYONE to like him.

What do you tell your children? Do they know they look different because of

RSS? I've never told Conor that -- I don't want him to become more self

conscious. Do your kids experience teasing. Any tricks for that? Any

advice

would be appreciated.

[Guest guest]

Thanks to everyone for their outpouring of support about Conor's teasing. It

really helps.

Conor was actually declassified this year since they said he was well above

or at grade level in academics. His social skills group leader also released

him since he said Conor always seemed to have great answers for his own

problems -- the problem is he can't translate them into the real world. We

sent him

to a private social skills group as well and found that he had a hard time

translating what he'd learned there too. We continue to work with him on

this.

As soon as the camp incident occurred I went straight to the school district

and they agreed immediately to continue his social work services. Instead of

group he's going to have one-on-one consultation with the social worker to

talk about any bullying issues.

I'm the Vice President of his school's PTA this year, so I'll have good

contact with the teacher and administration. I'll definately be keeping my

eye on

things.

Conor's been participating in drama and cartooning classes -- which really

gives him an outlet for his creativity and interests, but still no friends

from

there yet. He made some good friends in school this year, but one of them

turned on him and started to get the whole class and his group of friends to

tease him -- which mostly occurred on the playground. This kid was basically

very

jealous that Conor had made other friends. The teacher was very instrumental

in helping out with this. Despite that, Conor still seeks this kid out on a

regular basis. Another blow -- his best friend got left back last year, so

they won't even be in the same school next year, let alone the same class. I

do

try to arrange play dates for him as much as possible.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll have some good classmates this year.

Thanks again

[Guest guest]

,

I couldn't believe the similarities in our kids when I read your post, except

for one thing -

my son doesn't get teased or bullied. My son will be 11 in October, was 12

weeks

premature (with a number of medical problems), was just diagnosed with RSS 13

months

ago, has been on GH for 3 years, has ADHD, a lot of anxiety, on medication, &

can not run as fast as kids his age. also has the same features you

described

about Conor that make him get teased.

You said Conor was small for his grade, but you didn't say how small.

is in 5th

grade (school started 2 weeks ago here in Florida) and is 50.25 " and 48 lbs. He

has always

been the smallest kid in his class. In school when his class plays a sport in

which teams

need to be picked, he is often picked last because he is not a fast runner.

This doesn't

seem to bother him too much though. also has difficulties with social

skills at

times, but he seems to be better with them in certain situations.

Although is immature for his age, after reading your post, I called him

over to the

computer & asked him if he was ever teased or bullied. He said no at first, but

then after I

told him about your son, he said he had a boy at Cub Scout Camp this summer

tease him.

I asked him what he did & he said he ignored him. Then I asked him if he had

any advice

for Conor, and he absolutely shocked me with his adult response! He asked if

Conor had a

guidance counselor at his school. He said he should go talk to the counselor,

because he/

she could help him with his anxiety & maybe stop the teasing. Then he said, " Or

he

should talk to a therapist. " This was without seeing the responses that other

people have

made to you. Almost made me cry, because I realize my little kid is growing up!

knows he looks different and has more medical problems due to his

preamturity

& RSS, and although he sometimes asks why he has to be so different, I think he

is

generally ok with it. I forgot to mention that for the past month, he has also

been wearing

a back brace for kyphosis/scoliosis (something you think he would be teased for

& not

want to wear). He is a trooper with this. He hasn't once said anything about

feeling self-

conscous about wearing it (much better than I would handle this if I had to wear

one).

I think it is important for Conor to learn coping skills when he is teased &

bullied

(ignoring, maybe having a few comeback comments ready, etc.) Obviously a

therapist/

counselor could help with this, but so could you. Practice role playing

teasing/bullying

situations, buy a book that you can sit down & read to him, etc.

I wish you & Conor luck for the coming school year. If you'd like to email me

privately,

feel free to do so at capuano_k@.... Maybe your son would like to

email my

son as kind of a penpal.

Kim C.

> Hi, I've generally been a lurker here for the last year. My son Conor who

> will be 9 in October was diagnosed with RSS about 15 months ago and started GH

a

> year ago. He was born 16 weeks prematurely and has/had a number of

> medical/developmental problems due to that as well. Conor has ADHD and is on

> medication and is doing well with that. He also has mild Cerebral Palsey from

2 brain

> hemorrages he had at birth -- he can run just not fast and not well.

>

> Anyway, Conor's had a tough summer and I've been wanting to write here to see

> if I can get some advice. I had to pull Conor out of his camp this summer

> due to teasing and bullying. He was in an expensive/highly respected camp

that

> I chose because it focused on art and academics and there would be kids with

> similar interests to his. Obviously he's small for his grade (he's going into

> 3rd grade -- we held him back a year before Kindy) and his social and physical

> skills are not great. After a week at the camp Conor finally broke down one

> night and told us he didn't want to go back. Apparently a group of boys his

> age were teasing him and told him he looked like a freak and was weird -- then

> they would shove him in a locker and lock him in there every single day. I

> was devastated. Conor is doing okay now, but he's terrified to go back to

> school in two weeks. (He also has anxiety issues).

>

> He's been teased since he was 5 years old for his size, looks and social

> skill problems. His " different " head has become more prominent as he gets

older.

> He has a very small mouth and large front teeth, big ears and a triangular

> shaped head. He's been teased alot about this and I just don't know how to

help

> him with the teasing. Conor tends to be lured into his teasing as he can

> never just let something go -- he always goes back for more. I've tried to

teach

> him to walk away/ignore the teasing and to always build his confidence at

> home, but its not helping. He so desperately wants EVERYONE to like him.

>

> What do you tell your children? Do they know they look different because of

> RSS? I've never told Conor that -- I don't want him to become more self

> conscious. Do your kids experience teasing. Any tricks for that? Any

advice

> would be appreciated.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I just wanted to suggest a book for parents of girls. It is called Odd Girl

Out by . I really feel for Connor as my son will be three in

October and I worry a lot. If anyone knows of a similar book relating to

boys I would love to know about it.

, Jonah's mom

Re: Teasing

> Hi ,

> I'm so sorry this is happening to your son! First, I want to say that

> kids DO know they are different. I was aware of the fact that I

> wasn't physically homogenous with my peers far, far before the age of

> 9 (I think I was three or four when I first had the realization that I

> didn't look like everyone else). I think sometimes kids pick up on a

> lot more than adults sometimes give them credit for (and I'm just as

> guilty of this as everyone else now that I'm an adult). I, too, would

> suggest therapy. I saw a psychologist on and off through my middle

> and high school years. This REALLY helped me out a lot with some of

> the issues I had about not physically fitting in. In fact, I know

> high school would have been a lot harder for me if I hadn't had a

> " safe " place to go outside of my house and school to discuss whatever

> was bothering me. Also, I would suggest finding an activity that he

> is good at and really likes and encouraging him to pursue that. I did

> a lot of things growing up (I was a serial " joiner " for quite some

> time ), but the activities that I was good at really helped bolster

> my confidence. In addition to that, doing those activities also

> helped my social skills because it gave me a refrence point to use

> when bonding with other kids. All that said, I do think that it is

> harder for boys at that age than it is girls. I'm also sorry that I

> only have my experience to offer and not a magic wand. But, here's to

> hoping that things get better for you son and every other kid on the

> list who is being picked on!!!

>

> ~Hillary

> 22, RSS

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have used that approach of talking to the bully myself as well. It has

worked to a degree -- with the kids I know. If the parents of the bully won't

step up, then you need to do it yourself sometimes.

I have a funny story about one bully in our neighborhood who is much older

than Conor. This kid is 4 years older than him and also has ADD. He's been

bullied a lot himself and now bullies all the little kids in the neighborhood.

However I noticed a big change in the kid's approach to Conor when he was in

1st grade. The bully was in 4th grade and he saw that Conor had lost a tooth --

then Conor told him he'd already lost 8. Suddenly this kid's eyes grew wide

with amazement -- apparently he hadn't lost any yet. All taunts of " baby " and

" twerp " from him stopped after that. It never ceases to surprise me the

things that kids hold in high esteem -- like loosing teeth!