Guest guest Posted June 11, 2001 Report Share Posted June 11, 2001 This is just a funny that someone sent to me--in light of the battle that we're waging, I felt it appropriate to share... Bread 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death. 5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative: a. 99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread. b. 100 percent of all soldiers have eaten bread. c. 96.9 percent of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread. d. 99.7 percent of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident. e. 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently. 6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100 percent mortality rate. 7. Bread is made from a substance called " dough. " It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day! 8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 10. Bread is often a " gateway " food item, leading the user to " harder " items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 12. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide " Just Say No To Toast " campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of " bread-free " zones around schools. (I like the bread free zones at school idea!) Ha! ===== Visit www.open-invitation.net/andrea to shop the newest product line from House of Lloyd! __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 11, 2001 Report Share Posted June 11, 2001 I love it! ...especially since what we eat can't possibly be classified as bread. :-) Bread Joke OT > This is just a funny that someone sent to me--in light > of the battle that we're waging, I felt it appropriate > to share... > > Bread > > 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread > users. > > 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in > bread-consuming households > score below average on standardized tests. > > 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was > baked in the home, the > average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant > mortality rates were > unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and > diseases such as > typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole > nations. > > 4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to > death. > > 5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of > the body. > For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. > The effects are > obviously cumulative: > > a. 99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer > have eaten bread. > b. 100 percent of all soldiers have eaten bread. > c. 96.9 percent of all Communist sympathizers have > eaten bread. > d. 99.7 percent of the people involved in air and > auto accidents ate bread > within 6 months preceding the accident. > e. 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents came from > homes where bread is > served frequently. > > 6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread > eating: of all the > people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there > has been a 100 percent > mortality rate. > > 7. Bread is made from a substance called " dough. " It > has been proven that as > little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate > a lab rat. The > average American eats more bread than that in one day! > > > 8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread > exhibit a low incidence of > cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and > osteoporosis. > > 9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects > deprived of bread and > given only water to eat begged for bread after as > little as two days. > > 10. Bread is often a " gateway " food item, leading the > user to " harder " > items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even > cold cuts. > > 11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the > human body is more > than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread > could lead to your body > being taken over by this absorptive food product, > turning you into a soggy, > gooey bread-pudding person. > > 12. Newborn babies can choke on bread. > > 13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 > degrees Fahrenheit! > That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one > minute. > > 14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to > distinguish between significant > scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. > > In light of these frightening statistics, we propose > the following bread > restrictions: > 1. No sale of bread to minors. > 2. A nationwide " Just Say No To Toast " campaign, > complete with celebrity TV > spots and bumper stickers. > 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for > all the societal ills > we might associate with bread. > 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors > (which may appeal to > children) may be used to promote bread usage. > 5. The establishment of " bread-free " zones around > schools. > > > (I like the bread free zones at school idea!) Ha! > > ===== > Visit www.open-invitation.net/andrea to shop the newest product line from House of Lloyd! > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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