THANKS!

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much to each and every one of you that responded to my

cry for help. Ironically, I called my counselor today b/c I thought

that I had an appointment. No I missed it, it was on Tuesday..darn.

But she is sqeezing me in tom at 5pm (thank God). I told her a little

bit about what was going on. She asked me what was keeping me there.

I told her that the rational side of my brain says " Leave, go now not

later, you deserve so much more than this, you know he is never going

to change and he is still LYING to you. " But then the emotional side

starts whining saying things like " you love him, you are going to be

having his baby, how will you deal with him being with someone else,

maybe he will change, give him more time. "

She suggested that I write letters from both parts and then read them

over and over. She said that my answers will come from that and that

then I will gain the strenght to do what I must.

I really could connect with the saying that one of you shared that

said, " I loved him but couldnt do it anymore " because I am right

there. I know that it is impacting me more than I am leading on. Why?

Because I dont even really want him to touch me anymore, I dont kiss

him hello or goodbye. I always give him my check instead and then he

gets upset. I am just sick of it all. I even realized today that I

dont even call him during the day or at night unless I want to know

what time he is going to be home etc.

I was telling my mom that he has been extra sweet lately and she said

that was because he knows he is on thin ice. He is liking that I have

been taking care of him and when I leave he wont have that anymore so

he is doing all he can (without really doing what I need) to keep me

there. Sad thing is I already knew this.

So now that I know I need to leave at least for the time being (if he

changes and can prove it then maybe we can work things out) I went

over my finances to see where I stand. Well because I used up

everything to pay the rent and back rent owed I will have to wait til

the first of November to get my own place. (I still have to pay for

my furniture too and that will take up alot of my money for the next

2 paychecks) So do I just act like things are fine until then and

then tell him that I am not happy and that there are issues that he

is aware of so I have to leave? or do I tell him now what my plans

are and let him know that the reason I am not leaving now is because

of the money issues? I am not sure how to handle it.

Furthermore, how do I deal with all of this emotionally? I am already

a wreck. I tried to imagine being by myself last night (he was doing

laundry and I was at home alone) but I dont think my mind actually

grasped the full meaning of being alone.

I guess I am rambling. Thanks again and hugs to all.

~Shalonda~