Depression

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone!

Read mails on depression, every word is like taken out of my own life. I

have seen a psychotherapist, 12 times helped to talk but then I took over,

she had never been ill, except a flu and toothache.How on earth could she

understand, (someone treating us should have own experience of severe

illness!) telling me about healing from within, thanks ! when you get sick

you havent asked for it, just like cancer or CP but of course not better

with a deep depression which naturally follows in the footsteps beeing a

consequence of the illness.

I got over breastcancer, took me some years, accepted MS, but not another

additional desease, CP on top.I am so hurt, not beeing believed, idiophatic

(thats the word?) all the symptoms and Creon F+++ this is a reminder of what

happened to me before in life, during 6 years complaining about my right leg

and hip, getting worse and worse. 2001 I screamed mostly at night and limped

and the MS neurologist gave me Neurontin, Triptyzol said it was my MS

without further investigation....got 2nd opinion and half a year later a 1.5

pound heavy lipoma (benign cancer) was removed from my pelvis without having

been seen on the outside, crushing my nerves from my ichias to my anus.

I feel I am in the same situation now. But my fightingspriti has left me,

have no more strenght or willpower left. I am very much aware of myself and

my innerself, like I feel most of you are too. Have tried seratoninpreps,

get sick have to give them up in 2 days, kicks me out, become like a

drunkard and dizzy, spasms. I am now on Xanax on and off, dont think it

helps more than cutting the suicidelevel at the moment, what I feel is grief

over a life that ended so fast, where no cure is to be found, a long hard

way to the end. Hearing and reading your stories on surgery and treatment,

fighting and still there with the pain and nausea, you are heroes!

Were we not told a fairy tail story througout our lifes " a soapopera " ?,

living happily ever after... I dont fear death but pain and an unworthy life

and like some of you said I do start hating other peoples attitude, -you

look good, everything will get better...think positive ...and they can eat

and they can socialize..I have to work when I can to pay my bills

..I feel sorry even more for you with families and kids even if I miss the

company, only have my cat. No one comes and visits anylonger, once a month

my sister and in touch with 2 friends over the phone.I am not the fungirl

that I used to be with ideas and arrangements going on including everyone

and an open house. Just dont feel I have anything to say to them myself

either. But I dont have to take responsability like those of you with kids,

I understand your tears from deep deep down your hearts, unfair to them and

you! I do have the benefit of a very outgoing job which I do well and try to

keep up to the bitter end, freelancer though earning too little as only

parttime workability.

I am in a bad state at the moment, dont know how to live through to the next

day and therefore my dear friends when reading your mails, hearing, knowing

that I am not alone in my despair, and that it can be worse....you give me

strenght. Thank you for sharing your depressive mood and feelings with me

just adding up to it..would have loved to say somehting more positive but I

am looking at the world from outside, I am not with it anylonger. So glad I

found you all out there where ever you are

with Love Sonja

[Guest guest]

Dear Sonja,

I am not sure what to say that may help you other than to offer

you my heartfelt understanding of how much you are hurting. It

would be too easy for me to say I know what you are going

through as even though we have similar diseases, we each

experience them in our own way. I wish there was more to offer

you but please find something that you can feel positive about. I

know that my cats are my life-line and I have said many times to

myself that I have to keep going until they don't need me

anymore. And if that is my motivation to keep dealing with this,

then I guess I will keep adopting kitties so I will not give into my

wish to have this over with. The thing is, even with disease that

progresses, you can never know what will happen in the future. It

is easy to see the negativity and the inevitable decline in our

health as the CP progresses....but there is always a chance that

something unexpected in the good way may happen. You have

overcome so much...I can't even begin to imagine what strength

it took - both physically and mentally. You have much to offer the

world, by your contact with us here and with your friends in the

real world, I am sure of that. If you have a belief in God, use your

quiet time to communicate with him. I know that when I am

hurting beyond endurance, I pray and pray and pray (I know I

should do it more even when I am not hurting). You mention

heros for those that have undergone surgery and other

procedures but I want to suggest that you too, have that spirit

inside - with all that you have endured.

I also have some of the issues that you mentioned concerning

the neglect in care that you received. I had that happen to me five

years ago and the result of this quack doctor is me being in the

state I am today - suffering from chronic pancreatitis. If the doctor

wouldn't have abandoned me when I was critically ill, telling me

to go home to die...she has made me extremely fearful of being

in that position again. So much so, that my good surgeon

believes that I have a death wish too. I think that it is not so

much a death wish as a way to establish control over a situation

that is became so out of my control. To be at the mercy of a

health care system that can easily dismiss life threatening

conditions based on one doctor's incompetence is scary, and

depresses me no end whenever I dwell on it. To this day, I have

not resolved these issues and am as sensitive as you to

feelings of abandonment and helplessness. Is there a way that

you can give yourself a sense of control over your situation?

Maybe that can help reduce some of the depression that is

resulting from that experience of not being believed. I have

played mind games and developed a plan A, plan B, etc that I

vow to implement when the going gets rougher than I can

endure. Maybe this approach can help you too.

Thank goodness that you are able to talk to us here!

Laurie

[Guest guest]

Dear Sonja,

I am so sorry you are so unhappy at the moment and I hope most

positively and sincerely that this will change for you.

I had no idea that you had gone through quite so much illness in

your life and I can well imagine that one more things seems too much

to take.

I don't really know what to say other than that I'm sorry and

sending some positive thoughts your way. I hope you may find

something in your life which can help you focus your mind away from

the disease...but I'm not trivialising the disease, of course. I

also hope you find good doctors who may be more understanding, in

every sense of the word, of what is going on in your life now.

Please don't lose that strength and let us know how you are getting

on.

With warm wishes,

Fliss